DD not invited to friend's birthday party - Page 6

[2lilsweetfoxes]

And the irony of this whole issue/conversation is that if the birthday girl's mom had said "What?  Your DD did not get her invitation?  I mailed it out last week!" everyone here would have been saying "Good thing you called or your daughter would have missed the party." 

But, then, you might have wondered if it was really a case of a mis-directed or late invite or whether the mom was so put-on-the-spot that she issued the invitation just then (and hoping you'd decline it because she wasn't *really* invited).

[mamatoablessing]

Originally Posted by beenmum 

I honestly have to say that I resposnded to what you said:



Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now. It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently). Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids. My DD didn't make the cut. It sucks and I'm bitter. I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive. I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt. But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything.



And I did NOT make assumptions.



You NOW say that your group is open and it wasnt a big deal to call. But your above post says that it was uncomfy. What other conclusion was I to draw? You used to words uncomfy and confront.





If you did NOT mean that you think the mother should have shelled out the extra money fo ryour chid so her feelings werent hurt...then what did you mean by the bolded line above?

Please stop telling me that I said things I did not. Both my posts make reference to the fact that the call was uncomfortable (please see most recent). Do you only have easy conversations with friends or do you occassionally talk about something deeper? I did not say the call wasn't a big deal. It was...that is why I posted here in the first place. But I do think that real friends can and should be able to speak candidly and frankly with each other. I'm not saying that is an easy thing though.



As for the last quote you bolded above about paying the extra money...I was simply stating what I would do...me, personally. Not what I thought the other mom should do.



And the difference between bitter and angry?



Bitter leaves a bad taste in my mouth that will go away eventually. Anger is a stronger emotion which might require more time to get over or perhaps even apology.

[Viola]

Originally Posted by EFmom 

When you call the other mother to interrogate her about why your kid wasn't invited, you've crossed the line into entitlement.

I don't see what she was doing as interrogation.  I think it's the flip side of a coin.  If I do something that might be potentially upsetting to someone, I might have someone say something to me, or question me.  I might not like it, but there are always two sides to every issue.  Of course no child is entitled to go to a party just because she has gone to them previously, but the idea that we are entitled to being protected from someone asking us, because it's some etiquette line that just cannot be breached is just as ludicrous to me.  It honestly could have been a situation where the invitation was lost or whatever.  I feel like we're never supposed to have open conversation, we're just supposed to pretend everything is fine.  But it doesn't work because we are humans with feelings, and I think a little communication can honestly help.  

Now I don't think I would have asked, but I would have just assumed that the child didn't want mine there.  For me, knowing it was something like a manicure party that cost $25 a head would make it easier to understand, so I'd be happy to have that information.

When I was in the 10th grade, I wanted to be a candy striper.  I wasn't aware that anyone ever got turned down for this, but I filled out the application, dressed up and went to my interview.  I didn't get accepted.  I was like the only one from my school who applied who didn't get accepted.  My mom thought they were discriminating against me for my weight, but I told her that the woman who interviewed me was just as fat.  So I ended up calling and talking to the woman in charge about why I didn't make it in.  The woman didn't seem to understand what I was asking, she just kept questioning why I was questioning her, so I let her talk to my mom.  She was taken aback that I called to ask why I didn't make it and said, "No one has ever called to ask that" as if I had crossed some etiquette line.  But it was important to me to know for future interviews, I just can't imagine why I was the only one who didn't get chosen, and I thought having a reason would make it easier to accept, and show I had a persistent attitude or something.  She wouldn't give a reason until my mom asked, "Is it because she's only 15 and most of the other 10th graders are already 16?"  The woman agreed that was it.  Then I found out a 14 year old friend in the 9th grade got accepted.  I think my weight probably was a factor.

So here I am, 30 years later and just as socially inept, I guess, but I just don't see that asking is that big a deal.

Of course, when I was at my dad's viewing a day after he died and confronted by my cousin's wife who told me the story off all these relatives who asked to be invited to their daughter's wedding and how obnoxious it was, I commiserated with her.  And then she point blank said, "My daughters will be expecting an invitation to your wedding" in a tone that would brook no disagreement, I said, "Oh sure" and sent both her kids an invitation.  Now that, I thought, was pretty rude.  But I figured why hurt feelings for $70 a plate.  

[limabean]

Originally Posted by mamatoablessing 

And the difference between bitter and angry?

Bitter leaves a bad taste in my mouth that will go away eventually. Anger is a stronger emotion which might require more time to get over or perhaps even apology.

Thanks for clarifying how you were using the word. I've mostly heard people use "bitter" to describe feelings that they have a hard time getting over, or hold on to for a long time, so it's good to have more clarity on how you use the word, since I also perceived it as a quite strong word to use for this scenario. 

[chel]

Originally Posted by Viola 

I don't see what she was doing as interrogation.  I think it's the flip side of a coin.  If I do something that might be potentially upsetting to someone, I might have someone say something to me, or question me.  I might not like it, but there are always two sides to every issue.  Of course no child is entitled to go to a party just because she has gone to them previously, but the idea that we are entitled to being protected from someone asking us, because it's some etiquette line that just cannot be breached is just as ludicrous to me.  It honestly could have been a situation where the invitation was lost or whatever.  I feel like we're never supposed to have open conversation, we're just supposed to pretend everything is fine.  But it doesn't work because we are humans with feelings, and I think a little communication can honestly help.  

Now I don't think I would have asked, but I would have just assumed that the child didn't want mine there.  For me, knowing it was something like a manicure party that cost $25 a head would make it easier to understand, so I'd be happy to have that information.

When I was in the 10th grade, I wanted to be a candy striper.  I wasn't aware that anyone ever got turned down for this, but I filled out the application, dressed up and went to my interview.  I didn't get accepted.  I was like the only one from my school who applied who didn't get accepted.  My mom thought they were discriminating against me for my weight, but I told her that the woman who interviewed me was just as fat.  So I ended up calling and talking to the woman in charge about why I didn't make it in.  The woman didn't seem to understand what I was asking, she just kept questioning why I was questioning her, so I let her talk to my mom.  She was taken aback that I called to ask why I didn't make it and said, "No one has ever called to ask that" as if I had crossed some etiquette line.  But it was important to me to know for future interviews, I just can't imagine why I was the only one who didn't get chosen, and I thought having a reason would make it easier to accept, and show I had a persistent attitude or something.  She wouldn't give a reason until my mom asked, "Is it because she's only 15 and most of the other 10th graders are already 16?"  The woman agreed that was it.  Then I found out a 14 year old friend in the 9th grade got accepted.  I think my weight probably was a factor.

So here I am, 30 years later and just as socially inept, I guess, but I just don't see that asking is that big a deal.

Of course, when I was at my dad's viewing a day after he died and confronted by my cousin's wife who told me the story off all these relatives who asked to be invited to their daughter's wedding and how obnoxious it was, I commiserated with her.  And then she point blank said, "My daughters will be expecting an invitation to your wedding" in a tone that would brook no disagreement, I said, "Oh sure" and sent both her kids an invitation.  Now that, I thought, was pretty rude.  But I figured why hurt feelings for $70 a plate.  

That's the thing with asking. You can't make someone tell you the truth.

[Mamabliss1]

I so agree.  The difference here is that they were friends beyond school AND were in the same neighborhood.  The birthday girls' mother should

have had the tact to call and explain this or find a way to include.  "Desperate" is really not part of this at all.  This was not handled well and 

calling the mother to give her a chance to explain takes a bit of courage.   She did it gently, showing empathy with the difficulty of the situation,

and it took grace to do that.