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DD not invited to friend's birthday party - Page 2

post #21 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

I wouldn't have asked. How awkward!  

 

The girl's invite list was limited to 6 kids,


Which the OP didn't know until...she made the call!!
post #22 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy View Post

Which the OP didn't know until...she made the call!!


True. But she already knew the reason -- her neighbor's DD wanted other kids at the party more than she wanted the OP's DD at the party. Disappointing, yes, I can understand that. But the answer to, "Why didn't you invite me?" is always going to be a really awkward and trying-to-be-nice version of, "Umm, because we didn't want to..." so, IMO, it only makes things really uncomfortable for both people and isn't very useful. 

post #23 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoablessing View Post

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.  It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently).  Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids.  My DD didn't make the cut.  It sucks and I'm bitter.  I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive.  I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt.  But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything. 


I've found that these things usually bother *me* more than they ever did my DD. She's said stuff about not being invited to parties because the kid could only have X number of people and not been upset and one time she was on a "wait list" to go to a slumber party. She could only go if the birthday girl's cousin couldn't come. I was thinking that the kid was really rude for telling DD that! But DD didn't care. Of course, DD is pretty analytical over being emotional (lots of engineer types on both sides of the family) so I think she accepts number limits easily, those things probably would have bothered me even as a child.

 

I can see the 6 kids rule but it does seem kind of harsh that she invited everyone else from the neighborhood but your DD. That would make me more upset than if it had been a couple from the neighborhood and some from church, sports team, etc. It's sort of the equivalent of inviting all the girls from school except 1, you know?

 

post #24 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post




True. But she already knew the reason -- her neighbor's DD wanted other kids at the party more than she wanted the OP's DD at the party. Disappointing, yes, I can understand that. But the answer to, "Why didn't you invite me?" is always going to be a really awkward and trying-to-be-nice version of, "Umm, because we didn't want to..." so, IMO, it only makes things really uncomfortable for both people and isn't very useful. 


Respectfully, but she didn't know why her DD didn't get an invite.  I thought that was the whole reason that she posted here...and inquired as to whether she should ask.  And, I don't think the OP really detailed what she asked exactly.  I think it is perfectly reasonable that if at the bus stop, other children were discussing the party being held by a known "close" friend and the DD wasn't invited, then one could inquire about specifics.  Again, this isn't about casual relationships.  Maybe I just have higher expectations about how friends (the adults) should communicate to each other.  I'm not saying this to be snarky, it is how I really feel, especially if the children are going to be talking about it without regard to the uninvited children.  I would expect more of my own DD, at least that she would keep it under wraps or that there would be an expectation that she would be more empathetic of her uninvited friends.  

 

post #25 of 106
I would not ask, though of course it's too late now. But really there are tons of reasons why other kids might be invited but not your child. This is just part of life, and sometime your child will have to make hard choices about who to invite to a party too. No one is entitled to go to someone's party, and this is something that will come up again, so it's probably best to relax about it and not make a big deal about it in front of your dd, as she'll decide how big a deal it is from your reaction.
post #26 of 106
We were in a similar situation recently. We are new in the country and lived with this family for a month before finding our own place. Their youngest daughter is very spoiled, but since she's the only child my children interacted with on a regular basis, they considered her a good friend. The last time we saw them, on my daughter's birthday when we took over some birthday cake, she was telling them about her upcoming party saying "You guys should come!" From her mother's comments it was clear my children weren't invited. Eventually, the party rolled around and we didn't hear anything, as expected. It didn't stop me from feeling a bit angry towards the mother for not inviting my kids. Later, she posted pics claiming to be of her daughter and her two "best friends". I found that odd, because I'd never even heard these two girls mentioned before. It's fine though. They ruined my daughter's small third birthday celebration by constant fighting and name calling between the older brothers and the youngest girl's loud and constant commentary during the cake cutting and present opening. It was an unpleasant experience heaped on top of many other unpleasant experiences and they will not be invited to any future parties. My kids though, couldn't have cared less. I'm very sorry that your daughter wasn't invited. {{ hugs }}
post #27 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post
Respectfully, but she didn't know why her DD didn't get an invite.  I thought that was the whole reason that she posted here...and inquired as to whether she should ask.  And, I don't think the OP really detailed what she asked exactly.  I think it is perfectly reasonable that if at the bus stop, other children were discussing the party being held by a known "close" friend and the DD wasn't invited, then one could inquire about specifics.  Again, this isn't about casual relationships.  Maybe I just have higher expectations about how friends (the adults) should communicate to each other.  I'm not saying this to be snarky, it is how I really feel, especially if the children are going to be talking about it without regard to the uninvited children.  I would expect more of my own DD, at least that she would keep it under wraps or that there would be an expectation that she would be more empathetic of her uninvited friends.  


Fair enough -- no snark detected. smile.gif

 

I know she didn't know all the ins and outs of why she didn't receive an invitation -- I guess I just meant that ... there's really only one reason, you know? To me it's not necessary, and would actually be more hurtful, to have it spelled out. 

 

I agree that the girls should have been instructed not to talk about the party in front of people who weren't invited. Maybe they were but they forgot because they were excited, who knows. I would expect more of my kids too, but for me there's a large gap of understandable behavior between what I would expect of my kids and what would anger me for other kids to do. 

post #28 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post




Fair enough -- no snark detected. smile.gif

 

I know she didn't know all the ins and outs of why she didn't receive an invitation -- I guess I just meant that ... there's really only one reason, you know? To me it's not necessary, and would actually be more hurtful, to have it spelled out. 

 

I agree that the girls should have been instructed not to talk about the party in front of people who weren't invited. Maybe they were but they forgot because they were excited, who knows. I would expect more of my kids too, but for me there's a large gap of understandable behavior between what I would expect of my kids and what would anger me for other kids to do. 


Thanks Limabean!  I hardly ever multi-post in one thread and don't know why I got so caught up in this one.  OP, I guess you hit a nerve?  innocent.gif

 

post #29 of 106
I'm sorry, OP. My DS has had his feelings hurt because he hasn't been invited to birthday parties. It sucks and really hurt me, too.

I would personally rather have a cheaper, simpler birthday (cake and games at home) than exclude kids who are good friends of my DS. That being said, maybe this is really what the girl wanted and she was willing to exclude her other friends. That's sad, but there's nothing you can do about it.

I know it's always hard (for adults and children!) when we realize that people we really like don't like us quite as much as we like them. I've been on both sides of that equation, as haz my DS. You just have to learn to navigate it as best you can, and help your DC navigate it too. Plus, friendships are pretty fluid in the elementary school years. They could be best friends again next month.
post #30 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
But the answer to, "Why didn't you invite me?" is always going to be a really awkward and trying-to-be-nice version of, "Umm, because we didn't want to..." so, IMO, it only makes things really uncomfortable for both people and isn't very useful. 


I think it is useful to ask, either the child asking the child, which of course will happen with children, or the mother asking the other mother, just to get a heads up on how to handle it with her child.  I mean it could have been an oversight, or a misplaced invitation.  I've had miscommunications with invitations before, or not invited people because I thought they wouldn't come, but if they wanted to come and called me, I'd have certainly invited them.  So you never know.  In this case I probably would have felt it was a little more understandable--it seems kind of like a peer group thing as much as a cost thing--so I'd have said, "Oh sure, that makes sense, thanks for telling me."  And then I'd probably figure that this child had certain ideas in place, and my daughter didn't fit into the plan.  You don't want to read too much into it, but at the same time it's good to know.

 

I know my own daughter would struggle over the guest list for her party, sometimes only wanting to invite people she really liked, but other times trying to get a good mix of people who got along, at the exclusion of another friend, who she'd invite over for another type of celebration since she knew this girl would prefer that.  She just turned 12 yesterday and didn't have a party this year.  She and I went out to dinner alone.

post #31 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post

Also, if the party was going to be limited, the birthday girl should have been instructed that in order to not hurt other kids' feelings, that she shouldn't be discussing the party in front of kids who weren't invited.  As an adult, I would never do that, and kids should be taught the same thing.  It just isn't kind or thoughtful.


Of course, it may not have been the bday girl who brought it up. Little kids talk about things they're excited over. And bday girl's Mom can't control what the other kids talk about.

 

Seriously - this isn't an uncommon life situation. I've been through it with both of mine (as well as myself). It's a good time to teach them that, just because we're friends, we don't always do everything together. Sometimes I want to do something with one friend (or several) that I don't want to do with another. And that's actually okay.

 

I work with a young man who was apparently raised thinking that friends *always* do things together. He frequently gets upset and angry if a friend has plans with someone else on a night he wants to do something. It's not pretty. Nor is it conducive to a friendship.

 

post #32 of 106

Even if the mom did not ask I am guessing the dd would have. I think it is good that the mom knows so she can discuss it with her dd.Her dd might not have gotten the same response/answer from the b-day girl. Hope she handles it well.Atleast it won't be at the house and after a few days there will be little talk of it at school. I would take dd out somewhere to keep her mind off it.My kids are OK with not attending parites,but it does bother them when they hear kids talking about it before/after the event.

post #33 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post

 

I work with a young man who was apparently raised thinking that friends *always* do things together. He frequently gets upset and angry if a friend has plans with someone else on a night he wants to do something. It's not pretty. Nor is it conducive to a friendship.

 


This is OT but my DD has a 7th grade classmate like this. She & my DD aren't really friends but I give her a ride home from school a few times a week. She became good friends with one of the other girls in my carpool. Then she got really mad at her because the other girl didn't invite her to a cupcake decorating class. She was mad for WEEKS and would not even speak to the other girl on the way home. I wonder if she will grow up to be like your coworker.

 

post #34 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post




Of course, it may not have been the bday girl who brought it up. Little kids talk about things they're excited over. And bday girl's Mom can't control what the other kids talk about.

 

Seriously - this isn't an uncommon life situation. I've been through it with both of mine (as well as myself). It's a good time to teach them that, just because we're friends, we don't always do everything together. Sometimes I want to do something with one friend (or several) that I don't want to do with another. And that's actually okay.

 

I work with a young man who was apparently raised thinking that friends *always* do things together. He frequently gets upset and angry if a friend has plans with someone else on a night he wants to do something. It's not pretty. Nor is it conducive to a friendship.

 



All kids should be taught this, birthday kid or not. To me, it is part of teaching your child to be thoughtful and considerate.

 

post #35 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post

All kids should be taught this, birthday kid or not. To me, it is part of teaching your child to be thoughtful and considerate.

 


You mean not to talk about parties in front of people who aren't invited? I don't think you'll find anyone arguing otherwise. I think the poster you quoted was just saying that the birthday kid's mom can't control what the invitees talk about. It would be great if all parents would teach their children that social courtesy, and if all kids would remember, but that's just not realistic, so inevitably these disappointing situations will happen, and kids need to learn how to cope with that disappointment. 

post #36 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by DariusMom View Post

I'm sorry, OP. My DS has had his feelings hurt because he hasn't been invited to birthday parties. It sucks and really hurt me, too.

I would personally rather have a cheaper, simpler birthday (cake and games at home) than exclude kids who are good friends of my DS. That being said, maybe this is really what the girl wanted and she was willing to exclude her other friends. That's sad, but there's nothing you can do about it.

I know it's always hard (for adults and children!) when we realize that people we really like don't like us quite as much as we like them. I've been on both sides of that equation, as haz my DS. You just have to learn to navigate it as best you can, and help your DC navigate it too. Plus, friendships are pretty fluid in the elementary school years. They could be best friends again next month.


Even simple at home parties usually have limits. No reason to think that if the host family would have been more frugal things would have been different.

I've done large and small parties with dd1 and she has been to both types. She enjoys smaller parties so much more. With large parties there is very little interactions between the birthday child and the guest.
post #37 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post




 

 

Seriously - this isn't an uncommon life situation. I've been through it with both of mine (as well as myself). It's a good time to teach them that, just because we're friends, we don't always do everything together. Sometimes I want to do something with one friend (or several) that I don't want to do with another. And that's actually okay.

 

I think that 's a great thing to teach your kids.

 

post #38 of 106

 

Quote:
I know that DD's school has a policy that you have to invite everyone in the class or no one at all.

Slightly OT, but how on earth do they police that?? Would a child actually get... I dunno, put in detention or something... for having a party at her own home, outside school hours, and not inviting the whole class (including, quite possibly, the class bully)? That seems insane to me. How is it the school's business? I can understand, maybe, a "No passing out invitations at school" rule, but it seems pretty fascist to dictate a child's social engagements outside school time. (And no doubt this reflects badly on my childhood self, but I would rather have had no birthday party at all than invite all the boys in my class...)

 

OP: Ah, yes, birthdays. They are a minefield. I remember once not inviting our next-door neighbor girl to a birthday party, simply because, although we played together fairly often out of lack of other options, we didn't actually like each other all that much. :p Unfortunately she turned up in the middle of the party, felt left out among all my friends and went home again, whereupon Mum made me go around and ask her back again... The drama of childhood, huh? And I only had two birthday parties until I was 14. If I'd had one a year I probably wouldn't have a friend left in the world! I remember waiting anxiously for an invitation from a girl I actively disliked, just because I didn't want to be left out. It can be a pretty messed-up system. I'm glad DD's birthdays fall in good weather - so far our parties have all been very casual "invite all the adults and families she and we like for a potluck picnic in the park" dos, and it's AWESOME. But I guess one day life will get more complicated - she's only three!

post #39 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post



Keep us updated.  I know that DD's school has a policy that you have to invite everyone in the class or no one at all.  I understand this and have no problem with it, but at the same time, if you have limited space and/or resources, it sort of narrows the field for inviting non-class friends.  We had DD's last birthday at a puppet theatre with very limited space.  I was wringing my hands the whole time because once I sent the invites to the classmates, I had to really be careful with the other people we would have invited if there had been more space.  It doesn't help either, when parents don't RSVP (either at all or not in a timely fashion).  I know my own DD would have trouble understanding why she wouldn't be invited, especially if it was a common and close relationship.

 

 

 

I assume your child does not go to a public school?  Because no public school could possibly enforce such a thing, and the fact that one might have even tried to MAKE such a rule in  the first place makes me furious.  

 

post #40 of 106
At my son's school, the policy is ... If you intend to pass out invitations at school, you have to invite the whole class or all just boys or all just girls. If you send out invites through the mail, hand deliver, whatever, you can invite who you want. I think it is reasonable.
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