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DD not invited to friend's birthday party - Page 3

post #41 of 106

 

Quote:
At my son's school, the policy is ... If you intend to pass out invitations at school, you have to invite the whole class or all just boys or all just girls. If you send out invites through the mail, hand deliver, whatever, you can invite who you want. I think it is reasonable.

Yeah, I don't have as much of a problem with that... but I still wonder how they'd enforce it. Do you know if it's ever come up?

post #42 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by chel View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by DariusMom View Post

I'm sorry, OP. My DS has had his feelings hurt because he hasn't been invited to birthday parties. It sucks and really hurt me, too.

I would personally rather have a cheaper, simpler birthday (cake and games at home) than exclude kids who are good friends of my DS. That being said, maybe this is really what the girl wanted and she was willing to exclude her other friends. That's sad, but there's nothing you can do about it.

I know it's always hard (for adults and children!) when we realize that people we really like don't like us quite as much as we like them. I've been on both sides of that equation, as haz my DS. You just have to learn to navigate it as best you can, and help your DC navigate it too. Plus, friendships are pretty fluid in the elementary school years. They could be best friends again next month.




Even simple at home parties usually have limits. No reason to think that if the host family would have been more frugal things would have been different.

I've done large and small parties with dd1 and she has been to both types. She enjoys smaller parties so much more. With large parties there is very little interactions between the birthday child and the guest.
 


Sure. I don't want 30 kids in my (small) backyard!smile.gif

 

My comment was based on the assumption, as reported by the OP, that her daughter wasn't invited because this birthday party was pricey (around $25 per child) and had it not been so expensive, daughter would have been invited. Now . .. who knows? I mean, that could have been the other mom's excuse (though I don't think it's very comforting to hear, "Your kid isn't worth the $." ) and the OP's daughter wouldn't have been invited no matter what.

 

However, if my DS had to chose between an expensive birthday party which meant having to strike off 3 or 4 good friends from the list, or a less expensive party which meant being able to include them, I'd encourage him to go for the less expensive birthday. It should be about celebrating with friends, not about young children having an "event".

 

All this is predicated, of course, on how long the girl's invitation list would have been and we just can't know that. So I don't see any point in going back and forth about it. The OP's daughter wasn't invited, that sucks, and I hope she can get over it and move on.

post #43 of 106
I've actually come to the conclusion that we're less likely to have kids feel left out the smaller the party. My dd can either invite her 4 absolute closest friends, or she'd have to invite like 40 kids to be inclusive. So I'm all about having fewer kids and being willing to spend more on each one. The fewer kids invited, the less potential for chatter, too. The key is that inviting more kids doesn't solve this problem. There will always be kids who feel left out when there is a birthday party. This is just a fact of life, and it's something kids have to learn to navigate. I think we need to help our kids understand this rather than get the birthday kids' parents involved.
post #44 of 106


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by syn_ack89 View Post

At my son's school, the policy is ... If you intend to pass out invitations at school, you have to invite the whole class or all just boys or all just girls. If you send out invites through the mail, hand deliver, whatever, you can invite who you want. I think it is reasonable.


At the public school my kids attended last year, the teachers would put sealed invitations into kids' mailboxes with their papers to go home, so you could invite just who you wanted to without it being obvious. If you wanted to invite kids from other rooms, you could give the invites to the school secretary, who would give them to the teacher, who put them in the child's mail box. The school was super nice about it.

 

Children were not allowed to pass out invitations at school. Being nasty about party invitations was considered a form of bullying. The school did a nice job of it -- making it easy to be subtle.

 

Today I have to check on the policy at our new school. DD's party is right around the corner, and there is a girl she really doesn't want to invite (because she is unpleasant and bossy) and she really doesn't want to hurt her feelings either.

post #45 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobandjess99 View Post



 

I assume your child does not go to a public school?  Because no public school could possibly enforce such a thing, and the fact that one might have even tried to MAKE such a rule in  the first place makes me furious.  

 


I should clarify my first post where I say that my DD's school has a policy regarding invites to all in the class or none at all.  Like another PP mentioned above, I can't pass out invites (at school) and let me repeat (at school) to only certain kids at school.  You can mail them or whatever or keep mum about how you invite (like talk to parents individually), you just can't bring in invites for certain kids and have the teacher pass them out to only a few. No boogey man is going to come after us if we send invites privately.  My DD goes to a small private school and has been with the same kids for three years.  Kids talk so they are going to find about "private" invites anyway, but the school doesn't want to put itself in the position of handing out invites only to certain kids.  I can understand that.  Our problem is that DD goes to a school in a different neighborhood and while I know parents by first name and all, I don't have personal relationships with some of the parents of DD's school friends.  Often the best and most efficient way to do invites is to have them passed out at school. 

 

Well, another lesson learned about carefully phrasing what I say here. 
 

 

post #46 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smokering View Post

 

Yeah, I don't have as much of a problem with that... but I still wonder how they'd enforce it. Do you know if it's ever come up?


I don't know how they would enforce it with the older kids (sneaking invites to certain classmates) but all stuff coming into the school for the preschoolers and kindergarteners and lower classes have to go through the teacher.  I personally don't know of any kids in DD's preschool/kindergarten class who would try to work the system, per se, in order to get around the policy.  In addition, parents choose to send their kids there, and get the policies at the beginning of the year.  As far as the idea of "enforcement" of certain policies, the school isn't looking to punish anyone if someone happens to forget about the policy or attempt to work around it.  It's just not that kind of place.  They hope that their system of doing things would be honoured and I think most of the parents will do their best to recognize same.  It's a Montessori school and I've never gotten the vibe that things are "enforced" or that there's all kind of rule breaking going on.  Parents are generally pretty good about sticking with the program. 
 

 

post #47 of 106
My dd1 just received a birthday invite in school. I'm sure the school has the same type of rule. Dd laughed about how quiet the other child was, whispering the entire time. At this age kids can be fairly tact full. So following the spirit of the law.
post #48 of 106

The policy at my kids school is to not pass out invitations at school but a parent puts together a school directory at the beginning of the year with addresses and phone numbers (of those who choose to be included). I think that is a good way to do it. No matter how cheap a birthday party is there is no way I could invite and supervise a whole class and if my kids couldn't invite classmates they would have no one to invite.

As for the OP although I would not have the guts to do it I don't see anything wrong with calling and asking a good friend..especially since we did have a situation where my child was invited but never received the invitation. If I would have called she wouldn't have missed the party.
 

 

post #49 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post




 But she already knew the reason -- her neighbor's DD wanted other kids at the party more than she wanted the OP's DD at the party. Disappointing, yes, I can understand that. But the answer to, "Why didn't you invite me?" is always going to be a really awkward and trying-to-be-nice version of, "Umm, because we didn't want to..." so, IMO, it only makes things really uncomfortable for both people and isn't very useful. 


I haven't read all the replies yet but I just wanted to say, this just isn't true. There was a very good chance that the invite could have been lost. This actually happened to a friend of mine with regards to my dh's 30th b-day bash. Luckily she asked about it, so I was able to correct the situation, otherwise she might have been hurt and I'd have never known. Plus I do think it helps other times to know the reason. I made a point of letting my close friends know that we were having a very small "girly" dress-up party and so were only inviting girls to the party (to cut down the guest list and focus only on the kids who would enjoy the theme the most)  and that's why I hadn't invited them. I obviously didn't say anything in front of the kids, but I wanted the mamas to know, so they weren't wondering if I was angry with them or didn't want their child at the party.

 

Frankly, I think its unkind to exclude a close friend especially when all the the other members of the same social circle are included. If you can't afford the money for everyone in the group to have a manicure and pedicure, there are tons of other options that are less hurtful. The birthday girl could have all the neighbor girls over for cake and ice cream and presents and then on another day, she could go with one friend to get a manicure and pedicure. Or the mom's could all give mani/pedis to the girl themselves (I helped my neighbor out at party like this for her daughter and the girls all had fun). Or perhaps the kids could get pedicures only so it would be less expensive. As an adult I would never choose to hurt a friend's feelings over $25. If I can't afford to spend the extra money for one more person I would find a way to throw a cheaper party. I think we set a bad example for our children when we let them put their desire for the "perfect" party above being a good friend. Now I'm honestly not suggesting that you have to invite everyone you know, nor should a child have to invite someone they honestly don't like. But I think when inviting members of the same social circle, it should be pointed out to the birthday child that if she leaves out only one child from a particular group, while all the others are invited, the person left out, is going to be left with hurt feelings. I'm really sorry that happened to your dd, OP.

 

post #50 of 106



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by junipermuse View Post

 

Frankly, I think its unkind to exclude a close friend especially when all the the other members of the same social circle are included. If you can't afford the money for everyone in the group to have a manicure and pedicure, there are tons of other options that are less hurtful.

Totally agree with this.

post #51 of 106
Quote:

Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post

 

As far as the idea of "enforcement" of certain policies, the school isn't looking to punish anyone if someone happens to forget about the policy or attempt to work around it.  It's just not that kind of place.  They hope that their system of doing things would be honoured and I think most of the parents will do their best to recognize same.

 


That's similar to the private school my kids attend, which runs through high school. Parents choose and pay for the school, and the kids feel lucky to be there. It's not like everyone is trying to work around the system -- they are there partly because it's a sane environment!

 

The public middle school my kids was at last year really worked on the birthday invite issue too, because  it is an issue and kids' feelings do get hurt. The school helped with the subtle distribution of invites, but couldn't give out contact information.

 

This year our new private school is also sensitive about the issue, but handles it the other way around. They give out contact information, but won't touch the invites. Both schools see the need to keep things sensitive.

 

In neither school could kids openly invite some students but not others.

post #52 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post



 

Totally agree with this.



I disagree. WHy do I have to work around eveyrone elses children? Thats not fair to my child at all. IF my child wants a party at a salon, why do I have to tell her "Sorry honey, but some kids at school may be upset that they cant go, so you need to do something you dont really want to do to spare your entire classes feelings"

 

I think we are raising kids to have a sense of entitlement that will make life alot more difficult for them in the long run.

 

Not every child is entitled to come to a birthday party. Thats not cruel, that how life works. You are not always going to be able to do things you want, go places you want and be included all the time. Why teach our kids that they will be?

 

If I cant afford to invite the neighbourhood, but can afford to invite the friends she chooses.......why should I have to tell my child she cant have the party she wants?

 

 

I would never hand out invites infront of other kids. I would call their parents. But I have a severe issue with this sense of entitlement our kids are displaying.

post #53 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by beenmum View Post

I disagree. WHy do I have to work around eveyrone elses children? Thats not fair to my child at all. IF my child wants a party at a salon, why do I have to tell her "Sorry honey, but some kids at school may be upset that they cant go, so you need to do something you dont really want to do to spare your entire classes feelings"

 

She didn't say "entire class." She said "close friend especially when all the the other members of the same social circle are included." 

 

I agree that there's no need to invite the entire class or everyone you know, but I think that if you can't invite your close friends who are all friends with each other, a different party plan makes sense. We just went through this. My DD's first idea for a B-day party was to all go see a movie that is opening that weekend, then all go to a resturant, and then all come back to the house. She wanted to invite 12 kids, plus her and sister makes 14. It just wouldn't work -- not logistically and not financially. We explained that she had to choose between her guest list or her plan, and that if she wanted to invite that many people, it needed to be a party that is all in one place and less money per person. We figured out how many kids she could invite for her party plan.

 

She decided the friends were more important than the movie and running around all over town so we are having a game night at the house.

 

To not have conversations like this with our children does them a disservice. It's rude to hurt your friends feelings. If you have 6 friends and invite 5 of them over, the left out one is going to feel crappy. Even a 5 year old can understand that.

post #54 of 106
Quote
Originally Posted by beenmum View Post
. But I have a severe issue with this sense of entitlement our kids are displaying.


 

I agree but the sense of entitlement goes both ways. Why can't there be a middle-ground? I'm not a big fan of "the b-day girl/boy gets to be queen or king for the day" thinking when it comes at the expense of friends feelings. 

post #55 of 106

At this point, I think some of these replies are becoming redundant..but I haven't seen anyone bring this up...why didn't the other mother talk to OP about it when she found out her dd wasn't planning on inviting OP's dd? OP said they were close friends so, to me, that seems the right thing to do.  Maybe some feelings could have been spared that way because it would demonstrate that the other mom really does care about OP and her daughter, but was simply choosing to honor her daughter's chosen guestlist.  I mean, we expect kids to be flaky with friendships, it's totally normal and not a big deal, but not so much with adults. Maybe this all happened in the course of a few hours and the mom didn't have a chance to bring it up with OP?  I'm not sure, as ds is only 6 months, but I think I would be offended, even if only mildly, if this happened to ds...and to me, since if I were friends with this lady, I would hope that she would be open and upfront with me about things that could possibly be hurtful. Maybe I'm making too much of this, but I would feel rejected for ds AND for me since she (the mom, MY friend) didn't feel in any way obligated to bring this up with me before I heard about it from someone else.  I'd like to think that my friends would do that for me. I would definitely have handled it that way if it were my ds choosing to exclude a close family friend.  I wouldn't do that for acquantance, but for the kind of friendship that OP described, I would.

post #56 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by beenmum View Post





I disagree. WHy do I have to work around eveyrone elses children? Thats not fair to my child at all. IF my child wants a party at a salon, why do I have to tell her "Sorry honey, but some kids at school may be upset that they cant go, so you need to do something you dont really want to do to spare your entire classes feelings"

 

I think we are raising kids to have a sense of entitlement that will make life alot more difficult for them in the long run.

 

Not every child is entitled to come to a birthday party. Thats not cruel, that how life works. You are not always going to be able to do things you want, go places you want and be included all the time. Why teach our kids that they will be?

 

If I cant afford to invite the neighbourhood, but can afford to invite the friends she chooses.......why should I have to tell my child she cant have the party she wants?

 

 

I would never hand out invites infront of other kids. I would call their parents. But I have a severe issue with this sense of entitlement our kids are displaying.


To me, entitlement is "Sure honey.  You can exclude this one particular kid because it is *your* special day! Your birthday!"  Entitlement is not teaching kids to have some concern for another child's feelings.  We're not talking about inviting the entire neighborhood.  We're talking about one kid being excluded and the parents not even being considerate enough to coach the kids attending the party to keep it quiet. 

 

Not to mention, OP posted this without her daughter even being aware of the party so it is pretty unfair to categorize that as a "sense of entitlement our kids are displaying".  OP, myself, and others are not expressing that anyone's kid is entitled to go to any party they want.  We're saying it would be nice for parents to show some consideration of the feelings of little kids who have to process the emotions of being left out--unnecessarily.  We need to teach our kids to be kind.  We need to teach them to have empathy when they are considering leaving out one particular kid who is normally part of the group. 

 

post #57 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post



 

She didn't say "entire class." She said "close friend especially when all the the other members of the same social circle are included." 

 

I agree that there's no need to invite the entire class or everyone you know, but I think that if you can't invite your close friends who are all friends with each other, a different party plan makes sense. We just went through this. My DD's first idea for a B-day party was to all go see a movie that is opening that weekend, then all go to a resturant, and then all come back to the house. She wanted to invite 12 kids, plus her and sister makes 14. It just wouldn't work -- not logistically and not financially. We explained that she had to choose between her guest list or her plan, and that if she wanted to invite that many people, it needed to be a party that is all in one place and less money per person. We figured out how many kids she could invite for her party plan.

 

She decided the friends were more important than the movie and running around all over town so we are having a game night at the house.

 

To not have conversations like this with our children does them a disservice. It's rude to hurt your friends feelings. If you have 6 friends and invite 5 of them over, the left out one is going to feel crappy. Even a 5 year old can understand that.



 



Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post




To me, entitlement is "Sure honey.  You can exclude this one particular kid because it is *your* special day! Your birthday!"  Entitlement is not teaching kids to have some concern for another child's feelings.  We're not talking about inviting the entire neighborhood.  We're talking about one kid being excluded and the parents not even being considerate enough to coach the kids attending the party to keep it quiet. 

 

Not to mention, OP posted this without her daughter even being aware of the party so it is pretty unfair to categorize that as a "sense of entitlement our kids are displaying".  OP, myself, and others are not expressing that anyone's kid is entitled to go to any party they want.  We're saying it would be nice for parents to show some consideration of the feelings of little kids who have to process the emotions of being left out--unnecessarily.  We need to teach our kids to be kind.  We need to teach them to have empathy when they are considering leaving out one particular kid who is normally part of the group. 

 




What both of these posts say!

post #58 of 106

I'm not sure i would have called in that situation, but I would have been hurt, and I'm sorry that happened to your dd.  I agree, that it is rude to invite 5 people from the same social circle and exclude the 6th.  I realize everyone makes different decisions, but we would opt for a less expensive party so we could include more children.    Especially children that my chilld plays with frequently.

 

We've definitely been in situations where we were hemming and hawing over who to invite to parties, but I did try to always give careful thought to make sure that no one would feel left-out or that we never did something like invite everyone from 1 social circle except the 6th.

post #59 of 106

Unfortunately, there is entitlement being displayed on both sides.  The birthday girl shouldn't have to invite everyone.   She should be considerate, though.  The child not being invited shouldn't feel like they ought to be invited.  It would be nice to be included, though.

 

I think there is a lesson to be learned from both sides.  Nobody is "wrong" in this situation, IMO.

post #60 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post

Unfortunately, there is entitlement being displayed on both sides.  The birthday girl shouldn't have to invite everyone.   She should be considerate, though.  The child not being invited shouldn't feel like they ought to be invited.  It would be nice to be included, though.

 

I think there is a lesson to be learned from both sides.  Nobody is "wrong" in this situation, IMO.



The child isn't claiming she's entitled to go to the party.  Mom is just feeling disappointed that her daughter will feel sad and left out since she wasn't invited. 

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