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DD not invited to friend's birthday party - Page 4

post #61 of 106
I hope this doesn't offend anyone but this is the reason we don't do birthday parties. We have 4 kids so we really can't afford it. We usually just do cake and ice cream for our family of 6. Besides $ it's just to big of a stress planning and worrying about who will and won't get their feelings hurt.
post #62 of 106


Good point, and noting it for future use!  If the bday girl wants her mani/pedi party with the 6 girls from her class, the bday girl's mom could have also sent an invite to the neighbor girl for an at home ice cream and tea party or something very low cost but still acknowledging that friendship, even if separately from the mani/pedi party.  Since the first post, the OP has now said that the bday girl's mother has told her that the friendship is not that important to her dd, so it's probably more uncomfortable than it could have been, by keeping the neighbor girl as a friend and not having to put a hierarchy on friendships.  I think the bday girl's mom could have been more creative, her dd DOES hang out with the neighbor girl.  And if it's true that the friendship isn't very important to her, then she should be taught that using people to hang out with when there are no other options isn't very nice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lkvosu View Post

At this point, I think some of these replies are becoming redundant..but I haven't seen anyone bring this up...why didn't the other mother talk to OP about it when she found out her dd wasn't planning on inviting OP's dd? OP said they were close friends so, to me, that seems the right thing to do.  Maybe some feelings could have been spared that way because it would demonstrate that the other mom really does care about OP and her daughter, but was simply choosing to honor her daughter's chosen guestlist.  I mean, we expect kids to be flaky with friendships, it's totally normal and not a big deal, but not so much with adults. Maybe this all happened in the course of a few hours and the mom didn't have a chance to bring it up with OP?  I'm not sure, as ds is only 6 months, but I think I would be offended, even if only mildly, if this happened to ds...and to me, since if I were friends with this lady, I would hope that she would be open and upfront with me about things that could possibly be hurtful. Maybe I'm making too much of this, but I would feel rejected for ds AND for me since she (the mom, MY friend) didn't feel in any way obligated to bring this up with me before I heard about it from someone else.  I'd like to think that my friends would do that for me. I would definitely have handled it that way if it were my ds choosing to exclude a close family friend.  I wouldn't do that for acquantance, but for the kind of friendship that OP described, I would.



 

post #63 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by number572 View Post


Since the first post, the OP has now said that the bday girl's mother has told her that the friendship is not that important to her dd, so it's probably more uncomfortable than it could have been, by keeping the neighbor girl as a friend and not having to put a hierarchy on friendships.  I think the bday girl's mom could have been more creative, her dd DOES hang out with the neighbor girl.  And if it's true that the friendship isn't very important to her, then she should be taught that using people to hang out with when there are no other options isn't very nice.



 


I personnally wouldn't plan something seperate for the girl that was excluded. But the part I quoted is an excellent point!

The whole situation is just plain ackward. I do understand the hurt feelings.
post #64 of 106

 

Quote:
And if it's true that the friendship isn't very important to her, then she should be taught that using people to hang out with when there are no other options isn't very nice.

I dunno... I think that's just how it is with a lot of kid friendships. Most of the girls I played with at school weren't exactly my soulmates... we just happened to be stuck in the same classroom together. A few of those friendships have survived (in fits and starts) since school, but most of them fizzled out as soon as we weren't thrust into the same environment all day every day.

 

Same with neighbors; the neighbor girl I mentioned upthread played with me (and vice versa) simply because kids tend to prefer playing with someone than playing alone, regardless of personality (well, within limits, obviously!). Same with my "best friend" for many years at our small church - there were no other kids our age to hang out with after church, so we hung out together and went to each other's houses, despite not having much in common when you got right down to it.

 

I agree that the neighbors in the OP didn't handle things very well, but I think kid friendships happen on all sorts of levels and circumstances, and it can be handled sensitively.

post #65 of 106

I don't know. Is it possible the invitation got lost? My son was not invited by his best friend last year to that boy's birthday. But I am suspecting I never saw the invitation.

post #66 of 106

I will say that once kids are in school, kids who are not in the same grade usually are not seen as real friends. 1st graders don't want to be friends with kinders, 3rd with 2nds, and so on. So this might just be an age issue and she sees your daughter as younger.

post #67 of 106
I think kids' social circles are more complicated than "neighbor friends" when they are school age. Some of my daughter's friends in our neighborhood are also in her class, some are not in her class but in her school, some go to other schools. Some are in girl scouts with her. Soe go to our church, some don't. And she has other friends who are in hr class, school, girl scout troop, church, etc., who are not in our neighborhood. It's just too complicated to assume your kid should be invited to any given party, and it isn't worth the grief. Party invitation lists are given way more importance than they're worth. It's best IMO to downplay it and use it as a teachable moment that we aren't going to be invited to everything, and our self esteem shouldn't hang on party invitations. This isnt going to get easier for her as she gets older if she takes from this experience that there is a "should" involved in invitation lists.
post #68 of 106

I don't think you are right to be bitter.  If she is included most time this time the family had to make choices.  

 

It isn't always because she wanted the other girls more.  Maybe there is an age range.  Maybe the other girl sees your daughter all the time she she like to see these girls.  Maybe your dd is good, however as much as they like her they wonder if she could behave well enough or maybe they thought she wouldn't enjoy it. Or have you thought that even though your dd consider this girl her BF it isn't mutual?  That doesn't mean your child is bad, or not a friend, just not her best friend.  My dd once invited a girl because she knows this girl comes from a poor family and would never get to do the activity we were doing.  

 

I don't always expect an invite, neither should you or your child.  I think you should help your dd get a thicker skin.  This is part of growing up.  Yes, it hurts to be left out but it isn't a big deal in this situation (if it was all the time then I would feel different) There will be other parties.  My dh and I invited a set of friends to share our anniversary over the other and we couldn't tell you why.  We just thought this time this situation would be more fun.  Next time the combination will be different.  This couple didn't invite us out to a restaurant because they knew my dh wouldn't enjoy were they were going.  

 

Your job as a parent isn't always to protect your child from hurt but guide them through it.  There will be more disappointments.  This is one of the times you help guide your child to resilients and learn to "shake off" the bumps. 

 

I also think you need to remember these girls are still children.  Even if they have been reminded they will talk about a party.  I feel it would have been more appropraite to say something to the other mom reminding them it isn't polite to talk about a party like that.  

post #69 of 106

People keep saying, "She invited all but 1 from their social group," but who knows if that's even true, or if that's the way the birthday girl's family perceives it. As people have mentioned, friendships are pretty fluid at this age, and often are based on simple geographic convenience, so it's hard to say whether this group of 6 girls is seen as "the whole group" by all sides. Maybe the birthday girl invited a few kids from her class, a few kids from her neighborhood, and a few kids from church, and thought she was doing a good job of inviting a mix of kids from each area. Or maybe if she had invited the OP's DD, then another girl in the neighborhood would have felt excluded and her mom would be thinking, "Geez, couldn't they have invited just one more?"

 

Unless you're going to place an ad in the newspaper inviting anyone and everyone to come celebrate, the line has to be drawn somewhere, and in our family we choose to not get miffed about where other families choose to draw that line from year to year. We've been invited to some friends' parties one year, but not the next year, and then invited again the year after that -- it just depends on what kind of party they're throwing that year. It's never been an issue, and we generally just wish the birthday kid a happy birthday the next time we see him/her, by going out for ice cream or whatever. Heck, one of DS's close friends (whose mom I'm very good friends with) just had a birthday over the weekend, and he chose to go to the movies with a few friends from his class (DS is a grade younger). It never occurred to me to feel left out, or wonder if we're still friends, or call the mom and ask her why she "excluded" my DS. 

post #70 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by beenmum View Post





I disagree. WHy do I have to work around eveyrone elses children? Thats not fair to my child at all. IF my child wants a party at a salon, why do I have to tell her "Sorry honey, but some kids at school may be upset that they cant go, so you need to do something you dont really want to do to spare your entire classes feelings"

 

I think we are raising kids to have a sense of entitlement that will make life alot more difficult for them in the long run.

 

Not every child is entitled to come to a birthday party. Thats not cruel, that how life works. You are not always going to be able to do things you want, go places you want and be included all the time. Why teach our kids that they will be?

 

If I cant afford to invite the neighbourhood, but can afford to invite the friends she chooses.......why should I have to tell my child she cant have the party she wants?

 

 

I would never hand out invites infront of other kids. I would call their parents. But I have a severe issue with this sense of entitlement our kids are displaying.


I agree! My daughter has not been invited to parties her friends have had and she has had parties where she has had to narrow down the guest list. When she is trying to come up with a guest list she considers whether or not the kids know each other and would be comfortable with each other. She is a very considerate and kind girl that would never hurt anyone's feelings on purpose. She also understands why she is sometimes not invited to parties and is fine with it. I don't think that the birthday girl or boy should have to change the type of party or location of party just so they can invite everyone that may be hurt if they are not invited. It IS their special day! The party should not be discussed among people who are not invited, of course.

 

If you teach your child that they can expect to be invited to every party or event that their friends are participating in, you are setting them up for failure. They are going to have a hard time in the real world when they get older because things do happen and feelings do get hurt. It is better to teach them to deal with this when they are young.

 

post #71 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by pauletoy View Post

I hope this doesn't offend anyone but this is the reason we don't do birthday parties. We have 4 kids so we really can't afford it. We usually just do cake and ice cream for our family of 6. Besides $ it's just to big of a stress planning and worrying about who will and won't get their feelings hurt.

Yes, we decided long ago to avoid this minefield. We just have a family birthday partry and outing to an amusement park or other place of interest chosen by the birthday girl, and she gets to choose one friend to bring.

 

 

post #72 of 106


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post

I don't think you are right to be bitter.  If she is included most time this time the family had to make choices.  

 


I didn't really see the OPer as being bitter, just confused. After seeing your post, I went back and read the OP again:

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoablessing View Post

This is a neighbor friend who we are quite close.  Our families hang out often, kids play outside, girls sit next to each other on the bus to school, do weekly family BBQ's and pool parties, etc.  My DD wasn't invited to her birthday party and I can't figure out why.   The other 4 girls on the street were.  The ONLY thing I can come up with is that because my DD is a year younger, she was inviting only kids from her class/grade?  I'm at a loss and feel really bad for my DD when she finds this o

To me, it seems like the girls are quite close, and it seem VERY odd to exclude her.

 

As a person, I'm really good at letting go of slights towards me. Sadly, my family of origin has given me lots of practice.

 

As a MOTHER, it's a different deal when some one I consider a friend slights my CHILD. It's not think I think it's a good idea for one to hold on to bitterness about anything, I can see wanting to understand why a friend did what they did, and then needing to process it and come to a place of accepting it before moving on.
 

 

post #73 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by number572 View Post

 Since the first post, the OP has now said that the bday girl's mother has told her that the friendship is not that important to her dd, so it's probably more uncomfortable than it could have been, by keeping the neighbor girl as a friend and not having to put a hierarchy on friendships.


I've reread the thread and I totally cannot see where the OP says the friendship is not important? I read where she said her DD didn't make the cut for the party, but missed this other bit.
post #74 of 106

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I didn't really see the OPer as being bitter, just confused. 


The OP was the first in the thread to use the word "bitter" -- see bolded below. I can understand using that word in the moment of disappointment, and it doesn't mean she's going to hold on to the bitterness long-term, but when other posters use the word, it's only because they're responding to the OP's own words.   
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoablessing View Post

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.  It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I did it very gently).  Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids.  My DD didn't make the cut.  It sucks and I'm bitter.  I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive.  I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt.  But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything. 

 
post #75 of 106

How do we know it was only ONE kid?

 

This child was a year younger. Nowhere did it say that they were best friends and that every other friend that the b'day girl had was invited.

 

If I am spending $20 to $30  a kid on a birthday party, then of course its going to be about my child on my childs birthday. Why woudlnt it?

 

And if she had invited this child, another child woudlnt have been invited. Where do you draw the line?

 

I'm not talking about buying the kid an entire mall b/c its thier birthday. However I feel that b/c is IS their birthday that get to choose who they spend it with.

 

And I feel that my kid is entitled to make that choice. It is their birthday. If I am comparting the right to invite whom they want to, and the right to be invited to every friends birthday party every year..well...there really is NOT a comparison.

 

My DD gets excluded all the time b/c she is VI and wears leg braces. I know this is why. Am I going to phone every parent and ask why my kid isnt invited? Or am I going to ensure that my kid is loved at home and is included in social gatherings such as dance or swimming with peers?

 

 

 

post #76 of 106

I can't imagine calling up another mother to grill her about why my kid wasn't invited to a party.  Neither can I imagine receiving such a call, and I'd think it was pretty rude of the caller.  The host of the party decides who is invited.  Guests, potential guests and potential guests' mothers do not. 

 

I understand that feelings can be unintentionally hurt.  But I think the most constructive way to deal with this situation is to talk to my child about the situation, because she is going to encounter it again.  Heck, we get all sorts of threads where people get their knickers in a twist about who gets wedding invitations, so it's a lifetime possibility.

 

My kids have had parties where they could not invite every one of their friends because of financial and/or space constraints.  They have also not been invited to some parties.  The thing is, they know kids from different social circles, particularly when they are very young.  They had school friends, neighborhood friends, Y-Guide friends, church group friends, etc., and no way could all these kids be invited.  I've certainly given my kids limits about the number of kids to be invited, and I can't say that I've gone down the list to make sure one kid from any one of these many groups wasn't left off the list.

 

The hosts also get to decide the type of party they wish to have.  If somebody wants to have backyard cake and games for the masses, that's great.  But if they would prefer a smaller gathering at a different venue, that's also up to them.  We've done both, but tend to do the latter, not to exclude anybody, but because it works better for us.

post #77 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by beenmum View Post

 

And I feel that my kid is entitled to make that choice. It is their birthday. If I am comparting the right to invite whom they want to, and the right to be invited to every friends birthday party every year..well...there really is NOT a comparison.

 



Did you not say I think we are raising kids to have a sense of entitlement that will make life alot more difficult for them in the long run. " ?????? -'""""''?//""""

 

post #78 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by lkvosu View Post

At this point, I think some of these replies are becoming redundant..but I haven't seen anyone bring this up...why didn't the other mother talk to OP about it when she found out her dd wasn't planning on inviting OP's dd? OP said they were close friends so, to me, that seems the right thing to do.  Maybe some feelings could have been spared that way because it would demonstrate that the other mom really does care about OP and her daughter, but was simply choosing to honor her daughter's chosen guestlist.  I mean, we expect kids to be flaky with friendships, it's totally normal and not a big deal, but not so much with adults. Maybe this all happened in the course of a few hours and the mom didn't have a chance to bring it up with OP?  I'm not sure, as ds is only 6 months, but I think I would be offended, even if only mildly, if this happened to ds...and to me, since if I were friends with this lady, I would hope that she would be open and upfront with me about things that could possibly be hurtful. Maybe I'm making too much of this, but I would feel rejected for ds AND for me since she (the mom, MY friend) didn't feel in any way obligated to bring this up with me before I heard about it from someone else.  I'd like to think that my friends would do that for me. I would definitely have handled it that way if it were my ds choosing to exclude a close family friend.  I wouldn't do that for acquantance, but for the kind of friendship that OP described, I would.


Exactly what I was thinking! And....when did birthdays stop being fun? The poor woman hosting this party is just wanting to do something fun for her daughter and her friends. 6 kids at $25 each - that's $150 not counting food and who knows if she's doing loot bags? This hits a nerve with me since I was going to do the same thing for DD but it was cost-prohibitive. I told her 3 friends at the salon or 5 and we'd do full makeovers at home, then the girls can keep all their new makeup. She chose home. If anyone is going to be left out, I will definitely be talking to their parents before the invites are sent!
post #79 of 106

Yes We are entitled to make certian CHOICES. Which is what I said, And we are raising kids to feel entitlted to things that they are NOT entitlted to. To be invited to a childs birthday party...not an entitlement. To make a choice about   whom you want to invite to your own birthday party, which your parents are funding.....absoluetely what you are entitled too.

 

We are entitled to choose whom we spend time with in our lives. That isnt the same type of entitlement to be invited into someone else home or party.

 

Are your coworkers entilted to come over to your home on a Sunday night by virtue of the fact that you work with them? Or do you choose the time/place of their visits?

 

There is a massive difference between feeling entitled to something that you are not entitled too, such as being invited to someones birthday party. And making choices of whom to invite to the party you are hosting and paying for.

 

Do you not think that saying you are bitter and angry that your child was excluded b/c you felt they were entitled to be invited is very different from that other child being able to choose whom she invited?

 

 


Edited by beenmum - 5/9/11 at 6:21pm
post #80 of 106

 Let me just explain a bit further. My kids are entitled to a roof over their heads, foods in their tummies and an education (and of course Love). They are entitled to make certian choices in their lives, within reason and entitled to a voice in family issues.

 

They are not entitled to cell phones b/c their friends have them. They are not entitled to my van to drive them all over the town, or to computers in their rooms, TV, phones. None of those things are entitlements b/c they exist. And I see many kids whom feel that they should get these things b/c they exist.

 

We had to earn things as children. It seems like we dont expect much from our kids. At least not as much as was expected of us in general. And it is leading to very complacient kids whom feel that they have rights that extend to include interferring on other peoples rights.

 

Now, I am not implying that anyone here is doing such. Just making general observations from what I have seen in my line of work over th eyears. And it is obvious that we have given our kids a wonderful  voice in this world. However, we may have given them the sense that they are entitled to thigns that later in life have to be worked for.

 

 

 

 

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