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DD not invited to friend's birthday party - Page 5

post #81 of 106

This has not been my experience at all. Especially in the younger grades.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

I will say that once kids are in school, kids who are not in the same grade usually are not seen as real friends. 1st graders don't want to be friends with kinders, 3rd with 2nds, and so on. So this might just be an age issue and she sees your daughter as younger.



 

post #82 of 106

While I don't have a problem with people who do not feel as I do, I do feel sensitive about inviting all but one or two of the same social circle to an event--that tends to feel exclusionary.  It's a little different when half or less are invited.  OTOH, I have seen difficulties with invitating a couple of kids from every social group (church, school, scouts, other activity) where not everyone knows each other unless they are super gregarious kids.

 

So while I understand feeling really sad and hurt that one's child was the only one excluded from the neighbor friends, I guess I would strongly caution the OP against loading her child up with the OPs own projections/baggage.  I was the unpopular kid for a long time growing up, so I have to work really hard at controlling my claws and fangs when I even think that my DD might have to face something similar.  But she is a different person from me (it doesn't seem to bother her much).  She's in a different environment than I was (we talk things through--when I was upset over not being invited my parents just told me it was because I didn't dress right/wasn't charming/wasn't a good person/didn't know how to be a good friend--which wasn't really true.).

 

While of course it's hurtful to be left out, the OP has a great opportunity to talk thing through with her DD and use it as an opportunity to develop the skills of not taking things personally and how to handle disappointment in a way that's not self-destructive (like bitterness).  It's going to be hard to teach that if the OP isn't able to take a step back and release it herself.  So that's what I'd advise the OP to do.  Don't become so bitter with sour grapes that you become hurtful and snotty to your neighbor;  don't tell your kid that if someone doesn't invite you to their birthday party then that means that they're not worthy of you; acknowledge the hurt, think of ways that it could have been handled better, do something special that day, teach forgiveness and grace.  It feels a lot better than being stompy and pissed off at the other mom, the only time and energy wasted is your own, so why bother.

post #83 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by beenmum View Post

Yes We are entitled to make certian CHOICES. Which is what I said, And we are raising kids to feel entitlted to things that they are NOT entitlted to. To be invited to a childs birthday party...not an entitlement. To make a choice about   whom you want to invite to your own birthday party, which your parents are funding.....absoluetely what you are entitled too.

 

We are entitled to choose whom we spend time with in our lives. That isnt the same type of entitlement to be invited into someone else home or party.

 

Are your coworkers entilted to come over to your home on a Sunday night by virtue of the fact that you work with them? Or do you choose the time/place of their visits?

 

There is a massive difference between feeling entitled to something that you are not entitled too, such as being invited to someones birthday party. And making choices of whom to invite to the party you are hosting and paying for.

 

Do you not think that saying you are bitter and angry that your child was excluded b/c you felt they were entitled to be invited is very different from that other child being able to choose whom she invited?

 

 

 

I don't think kids should be entitled to hurt someone's feelings on their birthday, no.  And I also don't think OP felt entitled to an invite.  I am not OP, but my understanding was that she felt bitter, angry, sad, and disappointed that her child was going to have her feelings hurt.  As a parent, I can completely understand that.  I am really surprised others cannot.  My heart breaks when I see my son feel hurt.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that and I don't think it means anyone feels entitled to anything.  I felt sad just today when he fell off of his swing set.  It didn't mean I thought he was entitled to not fall off of it.  Entitlement had nothing to do with it and doesn't even make sense in that scenario, and I don't think it makes sense in this one either. 

post #84 of 106

 


When you call the other mother to interrogate her about why your kid wasn't invited, you've crossed the line into entitlement.

 

 

Nobody wants to see their child hurt. But I seriously doubt the intent of the birthday child was to hurt anyone's feelings. I cannot, nor should I, shelter my child from every disappointment in life. It's part of the human condition and she needs to learn how to deal with it when it occurs. If she were being bullied, I'd intervene because the intent of the bully is to hurt and it is an ongoing thing. Not getting invited to a birthday party because someone has size/cost limitations is not malicious.



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post



 

I don't think kids should be entitled to hurt someone's feelings on their birthday, no.  And I also don't think OP felt entitled to an invite.  I am not OP, but my understanding was that she felt bitter, angry, sad, and disappointed that her child was going to have her feelings hurt.  As a parent, I can completely understand that.  I am really surprised others cannot.  My heart breaks when I see my son feel hurt.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that and I don't think it means anyone feels entitled to anything.  I felt sad just today when he fell off of his swing set.  It didn't mean I thought he was entitled to not fall off of it.  Entitlement had nothing to do with it and doesn't even make sense in that scenario, and I don't think it makes sense in this one either. 


 


 

post #85 of 106
I can totally understand being upset and confused about not getting an invite. But it's just one of those things that happens. I can't believe the OP called the mom, really. I think that is just so rude and a little bizarre, TBH.
post #86 of 106

Using enttiled is actually perfectly acceptable and does make sense in the context I used it.

 

entitledpast participle, past tense of en·ti·tle (Verb)

1. Give (someone) a legal right or a just claim to receive or do something. 

 

 

 

If that girl had gone up to the OP's child and said "You're not invited to my party." then that would be hurting the childs feelings. And if it were my kid I would cancel any birthday plans.

 

That is actively hurting the kids feelings.

 

To invite 6 kids from the same grade your in....that is not actively hurting the OP's kids feelings.

 

My DD is in school, swimming and in 4 dance classes a week.

 

If I had to invite every single child so I didnt hurt anyones feelings I would be unable to throw a party at all.

 

So allowing her to choose whom she felt would enjoy the party the most is exactly what she is entitled to do.

 

Not every kid in all her classes are entitled to be invited by virtue of spending time with my child.

 

To assume that your child should be invited and then get upset when she is not and confronting the parent about not inviting your child..THAT is entitlement. The notion that your child should have been chosen and not one of the other kids on the list. Or to say that this mum shoudl have just shelled out the extra cash so HER daughters feeling werent hurt..,THAT is entitlement to something you are not entitled to.

 

does it hurt..of course. I have never said otherwise.

 

But I would be humilated if someone called me up and asked why her kid wasnt invited to a party I threw, and then have to confess my finances to her. Then have her post that she felt angry and bitter about it.

 

 

 

 

 

post #87 of 106

So if someone you consider a friend does something that gets under your skin, you should never mention it?

 

These two women are friends who get together every week. The invitation could have gotten lost.

 

 

post #88 of 106

I haven't read all the posts, but I totally and completely do NOT get this entitlement conversation.

 

If you have what you think is a good, close relationship to someone and your kid considers their kid their best friend, why why WHY would it be rude, or over the top, or a show of "entitlement" to ask the mom why your daughter wasn't invited?

 

Your kid is sad, left out, and you both think this girl is her best friend - I totally agree with OP that it's natural to wonder if you did something to offend the family, the kids had a falling out, there was a perceived problem - if you call and ask nicely what the story is, I can't understand how that = entitlement.  It's not like OP called the other mom and said "What's the deal, my kid has a right to be at your party, you're violating her rights, I'm getting a lawyer!"  THAT is entitlement, when you feel like someone has taken something from you that you have a right to.

 

Thinking that based on relationship your kid would be included in a party, knowing your kid is or will be heartbroken to be left out, and wondering if somethign is wrong that you don't know about, that does not = entitlement.  It equals wanting to make sure a friendship is ok and what you thought it was, and in this case, finding out it isn't.  OP did not think her kid had a right to be there, just wanted to understand why what she thought was her best friend would leave her out.  Not the same thing.

 

OP I would have done the same thing you did, and if the roles were reversed and my kid was having a party and not inviting someone she spent a lot of time with, that would be her right (or I guess in this situation I would have made her choose because of cost) and I would be totally willing to entertain questions from parents who my kid spends a lot of time with.  I would have a right not to explain, or to not respond, but that's not me, I'd be honest just like the mom in OPs case and say what the story is.

 

And OP it is a great opportunity to teach your little girl that often relationships aren't seen the exact same way by both people.  It's a painful lesson to learn, but it's got to be learned at some point, and here it is for your daughter. 

 

OP have you thought about doing something special with your daughter on the day of the party, going on a little adventure or doing something that she really likes to do but doesn't get to do often?  That will probably soften the blow a bit so she's got something to think/talk about at the bus stop the next week when the other kids are talking about the party.

post #89 of 106
The OP doesn't say they're best friends, just that they are neighbors and do things together, and almost all the things they do together appear to be due to the parents being friends rather than the kids being friends. At some point kids reach an age where you being close friends with someone's parents doesn't make the kids close friends. The only thing that they do together that isn't about the parents spending time together and the kids being together by default is that they sit on the bus together, which could be just because of when they get on the bus and not because they are really close.

I have neighbor friends I'm close to, and our kids used to play together a lot but really only because we and the neighbors got together a lot. But now that the kids are older, it turns out their personalities clash and they really aren't friends, though they are polite and spend time together when our families get together. But I wouldn't expect my dd to invite their dd to a party, or their dd to invite mine, just because our families get together. When dd was younger, she was always invited to my dd's parties because the two girls spent so much time together, but there was a moment where it became obvious that they only spent time together because we are friends with the other girl's parents, and the girls don't invite each other to parties anymore.

I think this is more about growing up and changes in how friendships are formed and maintained, and not really about entitlement. The OP's dd is younger, so she might not have reached that same stage.
post #90 of 106

OP--I'm sorry, I feel for you!  It is hard when our children are excluded. 

 

As far as the general conversation, and original question of should I call...we had a similar situation with DD and her BF in kindy.  They are BFF's.  The other little girl bought her a BFF heart necklace, they play together not every day but probably once every other week after school and have a blast in school together.  There's a lot of love there.  But when it was time for BFF's birthday, we didn't get an invitation.  DD pestered me to call BFF's mom about it, but I told her that was not appropriate.  That if she was invited, we'd get an invitation.  That if she wasn't invited, it could be any of a million things.  The mom ended up calling me two days before the party.  They could not handle a big party but she had told DD that she could have 3 friends over after school for cupcakes.  BFF has some friends in kindy that she's known since preschool so that's who they invited.  Heck, maybe even the mom made the decision on her own since BFF is kind of quiet little girl.  But I guess some time in the few days before the party, BFF spoke up and asked for one more friend and Mom said ok and happily, DD's got to go.   I was glad I did nothing and that the girls worked it out.  And if the invite hadn't ever come, I'd have been puzzled but ok with it because I figure:

 

People have financial limitations and have to draw the line somewhere--at some point, having everyone over for a less expensive day is going to become more expensive than having 6 kids to do something special.

 

People have space limitations or issues in their homes.  They might not be able to handle 12 kids (My DD's kindy class is 24!) and there might be something going on in their home that's not good for guests.  Renovations, a leak, a new baby...there are so many things that could be going on, and even if they are neighbors it's probably not accurate to ever assume that you really know what someone else is dealing with.

 

That's what I tell myself at least.  It helps when I'm bewildered by other people's behavior.

post #91 of 106


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

The OP doesn't say they're best friends, just that they are neighbors and do things together, and almost all the things they do together appear to be due to the parents being friends rather than the kids being friends. At some point kids reach an age where you being close friends with someone's parents doesn't make the kids close friends. The only thing that they do together that isn't about the parents spending time together and the kids being together by default is that they sit on the bus together, which could be just because of when they get on the bus and not because they are really close.

I have neighbor friends I'm close to, and our kids used to play together a lot but really only because we and the neighbors got together a lot. But now that the kids are older, it turns out their personalities clash and they really aren't friends, though they are polite and spend time together when our families get together. But I wouldn't expect my dd to invite their dd to a party, or their dd to invite mine, just because our families get together. When dd was younger, she was always invited to my dd's parties because the two girls spent so much time together, but there was a moment where it became obvious that they only spent time together because we are friends with the other girl's parents, and the girls don't invite each other to parties anymore.

I think this is more about growing up and changes in how friendships are formed and maintained, and not really about entitlement. The OP's dd is younger, so she might not have reached that same stage.


ITA, it's about growing up and changes in friendships and how those are formed and maintained, not about entitlement. 

 

Where maybe I see it a bit differently than you though (or maybe not?), is that in OPs mind, there was more of a relationship, and her dd thought of the other girl as her best friend.  We may all have different opinions based on OPs specific situation whether that feeling was "reasonable" or not, but that doesn't matter - this is how OP and her dd saw it, and you can only act on what you know/feel/believe. 


But yes, in this case, it turned into a good lesson on changing relationships or disparities in how a relationship is seen.  From the other mom's view it probably made all the sense in the world not to include OPs dd, but that doesn't mean OP - given her perception of the relationships - is wrong to wonder what's going on and why her dd was left out. And to ask about it.

 

No one is "wrong" or "right" in this case, it's about different perceptions of relationships, and it's the way life goes.

 

post #92 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by EFmom View Post

When you call the other mother to interrogate her about why your kid wasn't invited, you've crossed the line into entitlement.


I don't agree.  If you're friends, you should be able to ask.  Maybe the invite had gotten lost, or maybe something had happened to offend OP's neighbor that needed to be addressed.

 

Regardless, we have all made the same points about 100 times regarding our opinion on entitlement so I am going to bow out.  Clearly the group is pretty split, but I don't think any of this is useful to OP anymore. 

post #93 of 106
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EFmom View Post

 


When you call the other mother to interrogate her about why your kid wasn't invited, you've crossed the line into entitlement.

 

 

Nobody wants to see their child hurt. But I seriously doubt the intent of the birthday child was to hurt anyone's feelings. I cannot, nor should I, shelter my child from every disappointment in life. It's part of the human condition and she needs to learn how to deal with it when it occurs. If she were being bullied, I'd intervene because the intent of the bully is to hurt and it is an ongoing thing. Not getting invited to a birthday party because someone has size/cost limitations is not malicious.



 


 


 



 



Quote:
Originally Posted by D_McG View Post

I can totally understand being upset and confused about not getting an invite. But it's just one of those things that happens. I can't believe the OP called the mom, really. I think that is just so rude and a little bizarre, TBH.


 

post #94 of 106
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by beenmum View Post

Using enttiled is actually perfectly acceptable and does make sense in the context I used it.

 

entitledpast participle, past tense of en·ti·tle (Verb)

1. Give (someone) a legal right or a just claim to receive or do something. 

 

 

 

If that girl had gone up to the OP's child and said "You're not invited to my party." then that would be hurting the childs feelings. And if it were my kid I would cancel any birthday plans.

 

That is actively hurting the kids feelings.

 

To invite 6 kids from the same grade your in....that is not actively hurting the OP's kids feelings.

 

My DD is in school, swimming and in 4 dance classes a week.

 

If I had to invite every single child so I didnt hurt anyones feelings I would be unable to throw a party at all.

 

So allowing her to choose whom she felt would enjoy the party the most is exactly what she is entitled to do.

 

Not every kid in all her classes are entitled to be invited by virtue of spending time with my child.

 

To assume that your child should be invited and then get upset when she is not and confronting the parent about not inviting your child..THAT is entitlement. The notion that your child should have been chosen and not one of the other kids on the list. Or to say that this mum shoudl have just shelled out the extra cash so HER daughters feeling werent hurt..,THAT is entitlement to something you are not entitled to.

 

does it hurt..of course. I have never said otherwise.

 

But I would be humilated if someone called me up and asked why her kid wasnt invited to a party I threw, and then have to confess my finances to her. Then have her post that she felt angry and bitter about it.

 

 

 

 

 



 


Edited by mamatoablessing - 5/10/11 at 12:12pm
post #95 of 106
Thread Starter 

Beenmum,

 


Please go back and re-read my initial posts so that you have accurate and factual information. I never once said anything about being angry. I did say I was bitter. I was bitter. I was bitter because I was going to have to deal with DD's hurt and sadness and her feeling left out. How is that entitlement? I also never said that another child should be cut so that mine would be included. Additionally, I never asked or expected the mother to "shell out" the extra cash for my DD. The assumptions you have made in this thread are little offensive actually. Lastly, if you had bothered to read my posts you'd see I did express how this could turn into a learning opportunity for DD; in life there are disappointments and you won't always be invited to everything. That doesn't sound like entitlement to me.

post #96 of 106
Thread Starter 

For whatever reason, I'm having trouble with the quote function...it's not posting my replies, only the quotes.

 

In no way did I call my friend (the mom) and interrogate her, as a poster assumed up-thread.  I called her and we had a conversation.  In my group of friends, we talk, we share, we are honest with each other.  Was it 100% comfortable to do so?  No way.  I even prefaced the conversation by apologzing for the awkwardness.  But I was able to take away an explantion for DD, so that I could have an honest discussion with her about not being invited. 

 

Now, with all the being said, DD never even found out about the party.  The party was a few days ago and so far, even with the girls playing every night for a few hours, it hasn't been brought up by anyone.  And I have talked to my friend several times and we are fine.  There are no hard feelings on either side. 

 

I appreciate everyone who had helpful and gentle advice and comments for me on this thread.

post #97 of 106

a big hug to you  Mamatoablessing! When I was pregnant with my first son I never imagined that there would be this kind of heartbreak being a mom! These types of things hurt the parents as much, if not more than the children. I think you were right to ask the other mother because you do know her. Of course she is not obliged but still things like this hurt. Sorry you all had to experience this!

post #98 of 106

Glad that in the end, so far your daughter is blissfully oblivious. :)  While the "different views on the same relationship" issue is something we all have to wrestle with at some point, it's nice NOT to have to explain to a heartbroken dd for now.  Take care!

post #99 of 106

May I ask what the difference between Bitter and Angry is?

 

post #100 of 106

I honestly have to say that I resposnded to what you said:

 

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.  It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently).  Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids.  My DD didn't make the cut.  It sucks and I'm bitter.  I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive.  I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt.  But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything.  

 

And I did NOT make assumptions.

 

You NOW say that your group is open and it wasnt a big deal to call. But your above post says that it was uncomfy. What other conclusion was I to draw? You used to words uncomfy and confront.

 

 

If you did NOT mean that you think the mother should have shelled out the extra money fo ryour chid so her feelings werent hurt...then what did you mean by the bolded line above?

 

 

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