Forgive the inordinate length of this post ... I am so sad about the way things have been going with my DS1, who will be 4 in June. He is, to put it mildly, spirited, and unfortunately I am not a very patient person, so we have a major personality clash. Even my husband, who I consider to be a much more patient person than myself, gets fed up with DS1's behavior pretty much every single day and ends up yelling at him (the only thing that has a prayer of getting his attention). Some days are better than others ... sometimes he is a really sweet boy ... he is very smart and verbal ... but he drives us both up the mother*&$%#@%ing wall on almost a daily basis, and sometimes many times a day. I read somewhere that you need to have 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction to maintain a good relationship with someone. Well, I think we are lucky to keep the ratio at 1 to 1. And the long-term effect of that is that it is changing my global view of him from my little boy who I love to someone who I still love, of course, but who I don't enjoy spending time with. I think of him as difficult, I expect the worst, I look forward to sending him to school so he can be someone else's problem for a while, I worry that no one will like him because he is so difficult. And all of this is a big self-fulfilling prophecy waiting to happen (or already in the process of happening), but I just don't know how to break the cycle.
Here are some examples of things he does that drive us crazy:
- He doesn't listen. We often have to ask him a question, even something very simple like would he like some strawberries for dessert, at least 5 times before we get a response, and generally we have to raise our voices or scold in order to get the response. Bedtime routine with DH is an extended series of battles almost every night, to get him to cooperate with toothbrushing, potty before bed, getting pajamas on, etc. And then after stories are read he finds a dozen ways to stall before letting DH go, which he never does willingly. It's sweet that he loves his Daddy and I know he wishes they had more time together (I am the SAH parent so he gets plenty of time with me) but it is exhausting for DH at the end of each day to have to spend 1.5 hours putting DS1 to bed.
- He will not sit still at the table. He is reluctant to sit down at the table for meals at all, and will often pick that moment to say he has to go to the bathroom and go hide in the bathroom until we hunt him down and make him come back to the table. This is part of a whole other issue which is that he is the pickiest eater the world has ever known, which also drives us batty (well, me in particular) and is rarely very enthusiastic about eating unless it involves pizza or chocolate. We never make him eat anything he doesn't want, but he finds new ways to be contrary about even the food that we give him that we know he likes, even sometimes right after he has asked for that specific thing. Mealtimes are often a battleground, sadly.
- He gets into things he shouldn't all the time. We have practically every cabinet and drawer in our house outfitted with locks, but he still manages to either get into stuff that is not secured that way (I mean, do we have to replace ALL our open shelving with cabinets? Is that a prerequisite for life with this child?) or he will reach his hand into the gap and pull things out. Most often it is stuff that is dangerous -- scissors, razors, etc. Or it is stuff that is ours that he has no business being in, like my jewelry or makeup or toiletries or whatever. I try to keep things out of his reach as much as possible but as he gets older he is both taller and more adept at finding ways to get into things. If he just looked at stuff it wouldn't be so bad, but he invariably either makes a mess or hurts himself and I'm just like, is this not my house? Am I not allowed to have private things? I do not remember ever being this way as a child and I know that other people's children are not like this. I know he is just curious but there have to be boundaries and he is constantly pushing them.
- He is sometimes an angry child. This one, I think, is probably at least partially our fault, because he has just learned what he has seen from us, but it certainly doesn't help to defuse situations. When reprimanded or asked to stop doing something, he will often respond with violent talk ("how about I throw you off the deck?" "I'm going to put you in a trash can" and sometimes much worse, to the point where I worry about him becoming a psychopath) and more recently, namecalling ("stupid idiot" and such). I think this is mostly about pride -- he doesn't like being reprimanded, it makes him feel small, and he lashes out in response. But what happens is that if we do have to correct his behavior when we are having an otherwise nice day, it tends to escalate into something big.
- He is a huge drama queen. Always has been. If he wakes up during the wrong part of the sleep cycle during a nap or even sometimes in the morning, he will sometimes cry inconsolably for half an hour. If something doesn't go his way, depending on his mood he will have a complete meltdown. One example that I will never forget is that one time a few months ago he cried for half an hour because his banana broke in half while he was peeling it. He eventually ate it when I made it clear that he was not getting anything else until he did because I was not going to waste a perfectly good banana over something so ridiculous. Writing about it now I wonder if I should have had more sympathy, but geez, a broken banana? What am I even supposed to do with that? It's so absurd there are no words for how absurd it is.
- He is not gentle enough with his brother, and sometimes he is downright mean (hitting him, knocking him over) for no discernible reason. This puts me over the top on a regular basis. I admit it, I scream at him about it because it makes me so angry. I don't know what an appropriate consequence is that I can enforce consistently (I'm 34 weeks pregnant and very big and unwieldy so it is hard for me to pick him up at this point).
I have always aspired to be the perfect GD parent but I have to admit that GD does not seem to work with this child. Or maybe I just don't have the patience for it, I don't know. I feel defensive about it, like I challenge even the most saintly parent out there to take my place for a week and just see if you can get through it without yelling because I don't see how it is possible. This child could try the patience of a SAINT.
The worst part of all of this is that I would never have known how truly awful he often is if he was an only child or if my second was the same. Instead, my DS2 is a sweet, happy people pleaser, which provides quite a contrast. Even adjusting for differences in their ages, the difference in their personalities is stark. DS2 is, of course, a toddler, and has his moments, but it's just nothing like DS1. DS2 is easier to parent, plain and simple, and more enjoyable to be around. How do I live with this knowledge and not have it be obvious to DS1 and make things worse? (I know it already is obvious to him).
The title of this post refers to the fact that I was the spirited older child and my younger brother was the more subdued people pleaser. My mother very obviously preferred my brother and at some point just basically wrote me off emotionally and it damaged me irreparably for life. I feel like I am starting down the same path and sadly am starting to sympathize with her position despite knowing what it did to me. I don't think I was half as obnoxious as my DS1 is as a child but I know for a fact that I had not a people pleasing bone in my body and I see now why that is hard for a parent to deal with.
I don't know where I'm going with this or what I'm asking for. I definitely don't want a bunch of "have you tried x?" stuff because I read this board all the time and have read a ton of parenting books but none of it has gotten to the root of the problem. I guess I'm just venting and wondering if anyone else has a child as difficult as mine and how you manage to keep it together and keep love in the forefront of the relationship and not show obvious favoritism. I just feel tired, just emotionally exhausted and unable to get a long enough break to recharge. And now I'm about to have another one and I'm so afraid that he will be like DS1 and I just could not handle that. People with easy kids do not understand how hard it is to have a child like this. If I only had a child like DS2 I would read this post and think what a monster, I feel so sorry for that child, but you just don't know how exhausting it is every single day to have a difficult child until you've been there. I have every good intention in the world but I am just having a hard time handling him (and so is DH).
ETA: These are my most horrible thoughts and most negative feelings. It's not like this every day. It's not even like this today -- we're having a pretty good day today actually. But I do have these feelings sometimes and feel terrible about it.
Edited by msmiranda - 5/3/11 at 1:55pm
by Jeffrey Bernstein. This one is about learning to think differently about our children's behaviors (so that we can be more calm and effective, and have a better relationship with our kids), which is something I've found tremendously helpful in parenting my kids. While this book is about working on changing how we parents think, I found it to be positive, realistic and *not* guilt-inducing. 
And congratulations on the new little one about to join you!
