Protecting the Gift - talking to strangers

[robinia]

I would love some suggestions on a safety issue.  I really agree with the wisdom of "talking to strangers" in Protecting the Gift - that children need the experience of talking to strangers to judge who is safe, and that children need to be able to approach a stranger if they are in trouble.

But how far do I have to take this with DS, who seems to do nothing but talk to strangers?  I do allow him a fair amount of freedom to run around in the park as long as he lets me know if he is going to move from one area to another.  But so often when I check on his location if he's moved out of view, he is earbashing yet another strange adult, rather than playing as I would expect.  He discloses a bunch of personal information in these conversations.  Usually that person is looking mildly bored and annoyed because they have come to the park to play with their own kid, not mine.  He chats away to anyone in shops or cafes about his life history and again this is usually a politeness problem more than anything else. 

On the weekend, however, he tried to make a lifelong buddy of someone who was trying to steal our furniture which we were in the process of moving, and who was lying about the situation in the most obvious way.

Previously I have tried to judge each situation on its merits but he does not get it at all, and I am now enforcing a blanket rule that he is not to talk to strange adults without my permission unless I am right there.  But I feel wrongheaded about it.  Any thoughts please?

[NiteNicole]

Oh, goodness.  Hope you didn't lose your furniture!

My child never meets a stranger so I am just always there.  I don't go to the park and read while she plays and while I do talk to other moms, I have one eye on her at all times.  I sit on a bench or stand back, but I can see her.  I can hear her if she yells.  If she's talking to another adult or kid that makes me nervous, I call out to her or wander over and offer some water or something.  I try very hard to let her just be a kid and play with other kids, I try not to seem like I'm actually hovering but I pay attention.

I am working on her trusting her own judgment but right now she HAS no judgment.  She's FIVE.  Her experience in the world, thank goodness, is that people are kind and nice to children.  That's what her judgment is based on - her own limited life experience.  If someone makes me nervous, I will talk to her about it later.  I try to give her the basics - don't leave with anyone, if you can't find me then find a mom with kids and tell her you need help, etc.  She's FIVE so I can't say it's really sticking so until then, I just try not to take my eyes off of her.

I know there will be tons of posts about how everyone is afraid of everything all the time and people just refuse to live in fear, but I'm going to keep an eye on my kid.

[LynnS6]

There are two issues here: Safety with strangers, and basic manners of not boring people who don't want to talk to you.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about the first for a while, because you're going to be near enough to make sure he's OK. But he's not too young to learn some manners and to learn the basics of when people want to be left alone. You should teach him to ask people if it's OK to talk to them and to end his conversation after a few minutes  unless it's someone he knows well. Those are skills that will stand him in good stead as he gets older.

[One_Girl]

That is the rule I taught my dd.  The park is a little different though because most parents go there to relax on the bench while their kids play.  I redirect her from parents if she is talking to them while they are trying to be left alone.

[whoami]

No thoughts for you but my son is the same way. He talks to everyone, we walk by someone and he says hi. He's very charming and most people humor him and try to carry on a conversation, but it really bothers me so I usually cut the conversation off quickly and redirect him.  He likes to divulge personal stuff too and a couple times has told people where we are going, even going as far as inviting them to join us! We've tried telling him no more talking to anyone but us unless they say hi to him first, but it hasn't workedprobably because developmentally he can't understand the why behind it. I feel like most people are genuine and don't want to put fear in him since he really is just a very extroverted guy but I do worry.

[robinia]

Thanks everyone for understanding what I meant!  Since he does not get the politeness issue at all, and since he does not have the life experience to make a judgement, I am feeling more comfortable with my new rule.  He can come back and ask me first and that will give me the opportunity to say "just a couple of minutes" or "maybe not this person".

The furniture thing was funny.  I wasn't so upset about the prospect of actually losing the furniture, as that when H and the kids came round the corner from the car and saw what was going on, the person then started spinning a tall tale about knowing me, what I looked like (obviously untrue from the description) etc, in quite a creepy way, instead of just leaving - but DS had no sense whatever that this might be an untrustworthy person.