Am I under-reacting? Hitting at daycare

[konayossie]

When I picked ds (25 mos) up from daycare today, the afternoon teacher made a super huge deal of telling me how the morning teacher had had terrible problems with ds and wanted to be sure I knew. So the terrible thing he did was hit her in the face--twice. And he laughed about it. And the morning teacher just "didn't know what to with him." Ok, so definitely hitting is not ok, and ds should be disciplined (at the time of infraction) for that, but I just thought the two teachers were really weird about what a huge deal they were making of what is certainly undesirable but I thot pretty normal toddler behavior. And to say they didn't know how to handle it?? The morning teacher is brand new and pretty young so maybe she's genuinely unsure what to do? Does it seem like a strange reaction to anyone else? It was as if the afternoon teacher wanted to hear that I was going to punish ds for it when we got home. At 2--I'm pretty sure he would have no idea of what he was in trouble ....

[madskye]

I would talk to the morning teacher about it in person tomorrow.  And talk to DS about gentle touching and not hitting. I'd address it but not make a huge deal of it.

Do you think he could have an ear infection?  When DD was in daycare almost all her bad days coincided with an ear infection about to happen.

I don't think it's a big deal unless it turns into an every day occurence.  And if it's not, the teacher might really have wanted to tell you because it's not his usual norm.  (And then maybe he is getting sick or something and you should just keep an eye on him for symptoms)

[Agatha_Ann]

I think the bigger deal is that he hit an adult, and where he hit her. It is very very normal for a child his age to express himself to other children by hitting, but the fact that it was a teacher is different. I know a lot of centers and home providers have a zero tolerance policy for aggression from child to caregiver. I would definitely talk to the morning teacher and find out the circumstances surrounding the incidents and work together to come up with a plan together.

FWIW, I have spent 50+ hours a week with ~10 children under 3 for over 10 years, and I have had one ever react violently towards me.

[Lisa1970]

From my experience working in daycare, anyone can get a job there. It does not require expertise in child development, or even a high school diploma or GED. 

I would recommend explaining to her exactly how to deal with it next time. If you do not, she will find her own way and you might really not like her way. Don't just leave things up to her own judgement. I have seen daycare workers get pretty harsh with children in the years I worked in daycare.

Good luck.

[waiting2bemommy]

At 2 if my ds had hit a daycare teacher in the face I would have wanted to know exactly what was going on, what was said by the teacher first, whether he was provoked in any way, etc. Assuming that the teacher didn't do anything insanely out of line (and even if she did, that's not appropriate, but 2 year olds are pretty reactionary) then I would have the child apologize to the teacher in the morning, and explain to him that if he did it again the teaher would write me a note about it and there would be a consequence at home.

The note thing worked really well for my ds at just under 2. He never hit the teacher, but we did have occasional issues with him and she would always immediately write a note and show it to him and put it in his backpack. Then when we got home I would ask him about it and to tell me what happened. He was definitely able to make the connection (this was right around his 2nd birthday)

It helped though that the other teacher and I had a good relationship...we both worked at the center, and my ds was in her class, and her dd was in mine. We both did the note thing with each other's kids, with good success.

So yes, I think it should be addressed (and he should apologize tomorrow), but you don't have to make a big deal about it unless it happens again. Everyone has an off day!

[konayossie]

Well, I just dropped DS off and talked to the morning teacher--the one he actually hit. She made MUCH LESS of it than the afternoon teacher did (so maybe that lady was just trying to create drama, idk). A.m. teacher said ds was laughing and playing around both times it happened (2nd time was when he was on the changing table), so she didn't think he was trying to hurt her intentionally/lashing out. She said she ended up making him stand in the corner because he didn't like that (as opposed to the time-out carpet square). She said she just wanted to be sure we knew it had happened, especially as we are expecting #2 in a few months. I was very sorry, but that I wasn't surprised, as ds has hit/slapped dh & me before, and I told her she should definitely deal with it in whatever (non-violent) fashion seemed to get through to him that it's unacceptable.

madskye--ds is actually just finishing up a round of antibiotics for an ear/chest infection he's been battling for a couple of weeks. I actually thought he was just starting to feel better yesterday (he was perfectly happy and in a good mood when he was home). I think he might have been "feeling his oats" which led him to be overly rough and wild...

agatha_ann--I guess I'm just really surprised to hear that it's very unusual for a dc providers to get hit. I had just seen ds get hits lots (and do his own share of it) with every toddler group he's been in, and he will occasionally try it at home on me and dh, so I thought it was pretty typical. I haven't had the exposure to lots of kids that you have, so I'll take your word for it...

Ds is not very verbal yet, so I can't tell that he even understood what we were talking about when we discussed not hitting after arriving at home. I really don't think he's to the point where an apology would mean anything to him a day later, so I just apologized to the teacher myself.

[Alyantavid]

I can't imagine that talking to a 2 year old hours after the incident would be all that effective.  Talk to him but don't expect much, including an apology.

I think you handled it perfectly and I'm sure the daycare has a standard policy of how to deal with hitting. 

[Agatha_Ann]

Originally Posted by konayossie 

Well, I just dropped DS off and talked to the morning teacher--the one he actually hit. She made MUCH LESS of it than the afternoon teacher did (so maybe that lady was just trying to create drama, idk). A.m. teacher said ds was laughing and playing around both times it happened (2nd time was when he was on the changing table), so she didn't think he was trying to hurt her intentionally/lashing out. She said she ended up making him stand in the corner because he didn't like that (as opposed to the time-out carpet square). She said she just wanted to be sure we knew it had happened, especially as we are expecting #2 in a few months. I was very sorry, but that I wasn't surprised, as ds has hit/slapped dh & me before, and I told her she should definitely deal with it in whatever (non-violent) fashion seemed to get through to him that it's unacceptable.

madskye--ds is actually just finishing up a round of antibiotics for an ear/chest infection he's been battling for a couple of weeks. I actually thought he was just starting to feel better yesterday (he was perfectly happy and in a good mood when he was home). I think he might have been "feeling his oats" which led him to be overly rough and wild...

agatha_ann--I guess I'm just really surprised to hear that it's very unusual for a dc providers to get hit. I had just seen ds get hits lots (and do his own share of it) with every toddler group he's been in, and he will occasionally try it at home on me and dh, so I thought it was pretty typical. I haven't had the exposure to lots of kids that you have, so I'll take your word for it...

Ds is not very verbal yet, so I can't tell that he even understood what we were talking about when we discussed not hitting after arriving at home. I really don't think he's to the point where an apology would mean anything to him a day later, so I just apologized to the teacher myself.

I think you handled it very well! It also sounds like he was hitting out of excitement, not aggression, which I think is a huge difference. It seems like there was a miscommunication between the teachers, I'm happy you spoke to the morning teacher directly. It is so important to have good communication between parents and providers!

I'll clarify my statement that it is unusual for providers to get hit...As I said, it is very rare for a provider to be the one getting the aggression. Totally normal for children to do it to each other and their parents. It is the way they communicate feelings with one another, and parents are a "safe" outlet for them to test things. It rarely comes back at the teachers. Sounds like your DS is right on track  

[waiting2bemommy]

I'm glad you were able to clarify! Getting overexcited makes perfect sense and it sounds like she handled it well. Youcould also suggest (or try at home) giving him a big bear hug when he gets really wound up an starts hitting excitedly.

And yeah, no need to make him apologize in that case! glad it worked out.

[Greenlea]

I don't see why it would be unusual for a DC to hit an adult or caregiver.  At 2, my son is in a hitting stage, which includes me.  As of I know he hasn't hit his daycare teacher yet though, at least she hasn't mentioned it to me.  And yes, he hits me in the face - usually when he's frustrated.  I actually tend to ignore it and he has been doing it less and less.  I rarely punish him for it.  But that's what works for us.

[konayossie]

Glad to know it's normal, and I don't have a budding psychopath on my hands! I can see where the DC provider would be upset. Like I said, he hits DH & I fairly often (I'd say weekly...), but he hit me in the face the other day, and it really is upsetting, even if it doesn't actually hurt--I guess just b/c of the derogatory implications that a slap in the face carries with it. We're actually almost done with DC till next school year, and hopefully he'll be through his hitting stage when it's time to go back....
 

Originally Posted by Agatha_Ann 

I'll clarify my statement that it is unusual for providers to get hit...As I said, it is very rare for a provider to be the one getting the aggression. Totally normal for children to do it to each other and their parents. It is the way they communicate feelings with one another, and parents are a "safe" outlet for them to test things. It rarely comes back at the teachers. Sounds like your DS is right on track  

Originally Posted by Greenlea 

I don't see why it would be unusual for a DC to hit an adult or caregiver.  At 2, my son is in a hitting stage, which includes me.  As of I know he hasn't hit his daycare teacher yet though, at least she hasn't mentioned it to me.  And yes, he hits me in the face - usually when he's frustrated.  I actually tend to ignore it and he has been doing it less and less.  I rarely punish him for it.  But that's what works for us.