Help! I am at the end of my rope and I need advice!

[JamesMarie]

Hi all, I am the mama to three, two boys aged 6 and 2.5 and a baby girl 9 months.

I have always practiced attached parenting, I've worn all three of them, I breastfed/feed them, I have never spanked and I try very hard to never yell. I felt pretty successful with my guys but this new little person is a whole different manner of beast.

She wants to be held literally 24/7 by me alone. She will cry in my husband's arms while I go to the bathroom and then she is wanting me back. I can not put her down for a minute most days. The second she touches the floor she screams bloody murder. On good days she will sit on the floor next to me and play but mostly she would rather be in my lap with no toys than on the floor with lots of interesting things and smelly big brothers who LOVE to play with her.

I don't know what to do. I can't put her in a high chair (she screams) and if she doesn't nap at meal times I do not get to eat unless I am dropping food on her head or balancing her on a knee out of the reach of my food. She will not eat her own food but loves to stick her hands in my meal.

I love her. I know I do, but I feel like my other kids are suffering because I can't give them the attention they deserve. I can't stand to be touched after a full contact day with my little. I don't like bfing anymore I am starting to feel physically nauseous. Right now I am holding her asleep in a sling while I write.

I don't like being a mom anymore. Some days I find myself wishing we had never had her.  I struggle not to scream back in her face.

I feel like a monster.

I know she needs me, I know she will stop needing me someday but I have TWO other kids who need me too and they deserve to be able to get time in my lap without hearing their sister wailing.

She's been to the ped, nothing is wrong with her, he said she was simply "high needs" and then suggested CIO to fix that (???!!!)

I feel like I am losing my mind. What can I do?

[limabean]

First of all,  to MDC! 

Secondly,  that sounds hard. It's so hard to feel guilty about not being able to give your older kids the attention you'd like to because the baby is being so demanding. I wish I had magic advice for you -- hopefully some others will chime in and be more helpful. I just wanted to welcome you and offer a hug. 

About the nausea while nursing -- is it a physical or emotional feeling? Are you hydrated enough? If it feels more emotional, have you ever heard of D-MER? That might not be it, but I thought I'd throw it out there just in case. 

[crunchy_mommy]

She sounds so so much like my DS!!! And I can completely relate to those feelings!!!

I don't have a lot of practical advice... I just did what you're doing, just kept holding him, nursing him, wearing him, etc. and did what I could to keep him happy. It was tough. It is tough. I'm still traumatized by it, and there are many many days where I just don't enjoy parenting at all.

He improved a bit a little after he turned a year but he is now 2.25 and still a 'difficult' kiddo. We are in the process of getting him evaluated by Early Intervention and he may have sensory issues (possibly other issues as well) and will likely be starting therapy & OT... so that's something to consider -- I wish I'd done the evaluation sooner, it's been a very positive experience so far & my state will provide services even in situations like my DS's where there are no true 'delays' but just other issues that could be problematic for him. Obviously I don't know what your DD is like and whether that would even make sense for you, but it's something to keep in mind if it resonates with you!!

I really sympathize & I hope things get easier for you...

[konayossie]

Hugs, mama. I agree you've got yourself a high needs baby. Ds did all the things you're talking about except I'd add he didn't just want to be held but also bf 24/7 and he was a terrible sleeper. He couldn't sleep unless he was being held.... Like crunchy mama said, it can be really traumatizing to the mama. I cant imagine how much more difficult it is when you have 2 older children. My advice:
1. Your feelings are totally justified and normal.
2. Connect with others who have HN children. You need the support from people who know what you're going thru--even if it's just on MDC. You will feel less overwhelmed and alone.
3. Buy or check out dr sears' Fussy Baby Book. He has ideas you can try, but mostly it will help you k ow you're not at fault, crazy, or the only one to experience it.
4. Know that it does get better. Ds started becoming significantly less clingy after he could walk. He still doesn't play for long by himself, but he will let me out of sight occasionally. The bf has slowly abated as well. I still don't get a full night's sleep but it's worlds better than before 18 mos or so.
5. Pay no attention to the timelines for when your dd "should" be sttn, entertaining herself etc. It will just drive you insane(r).
6. Don't CIO. These babies ramp up not down. All the HN babies I know about will cry till they're ill. They won't magically "get over it" bc you refuse to meet their needs.

It sounds like you are doing a fabulous job with her, and soon shes going to be delightful and fun!! Hang in there--I'm guessing the worst is past.

[JamesMarie]

Thank you all so much.  Today has been a much better day for me, I really think just writing it out helped immensely. I think a lot of it has had to do with false expectations. I have to accept that this baby is not like her older brothers were and I can not keep comparing her to them. I think oh I remember at 9 mothers when O would just sit and play happily by my feet while I made dinner and it just makes it worse. I'm working on keeping those thoughts in check and I'm working on myself too. I am so happy to have found this resource and I am going to check out D-MER, because it does seem to be an emotional response rather than a physical one. I think it has to do with feeling like my body isn't really mine anymore.

[Tjej]

I know you said you've checked at the doctors and they haven't found anything wrong with her, but could it be something subtle like a food intolerance?  What you describe sounds a fair bit like my DS before I cut dairy out of his diet.  He wasn't quite that tough, but the way you describe your DD it just sounds like something must be bugging her so much to NEED you that close all the time.

HTH.  And for your other kids - well, at least they are learning a lot about patience and sacrifice! :)

Tjej

[SundayCrepes]

My son may not have been as extreme as your daughter, but very similar. I worked every other weekend and was gone 13 hours each day I worked from 4 months of age to a year. My poor husband!!! He was certain our son didn't like him (son screamed so much while I was gone.) 

Our son turned 5 in December. Recently he started asking to sleep next to Dad every now and then. (Well, twice actually.) For the most part, though, he still prefers me. He once even told me, "I love you more than Dad." Though another time he told me, "I love sister more than I love you."

When he was little, all he wanted was to touch me, then he was happy. Then our daughter came along. There were times she actually wanted me to set her down. It was weird. Though it was a long time before she would sleep without touching me.

By 2 each baby got a bit easier. That's still a long time for you, but at least you can know it will get easier.

In the meantime, have you tried wearing her in an Ergo on your back? You might be able to do more with your sons if you had your hands free. Even if you wear her in the front, I found an ergo much easier than the sling for baby number 2 as it let me have my hands free for my son.

Also, I can't imagine 3 kids. Mine are 5 and 2.5 and my little one's screams of boredom make me crazy. I don't know what I'd do with a third. 

Good luck.

[marinak1977]

I second the suggestion of a back carry. DS is not nearly quite as intense but we go through phases when all he wants to do is be held, and if I need to make dinner and DH is not around to help I put him on my back and he generally lets me get something done.

[beenmum]

First of all honey, take a deep breath.

She will suffer no lasting emotional scars by being sat in her high chair a few times a day so you can eat or go to the washroom.

she needs to know that your needs are important also. That you have the right to go to the washroom by yourself. Establishing that you have basic rights also is perfectly fine.

Iwish someone had told me this with my DD 11 (ASD, Dev Delay). She still comes into the washroom with me. I have no personal space, but I have finally gotten her to knock.

With my next two I really understood that they needed me to put them down for a few moments and let me have a break too. They wont become angry and maladjusted or resentful b/c you have chosen to say "I have the right to have a few moments to myself" . ITs not selfish.

You arent liking being a mum right now. Which is worse then? Taking time for yourself and letting her figure out that you may be gone for a few minutes but always come back..or you continuing to not like being around her?

[rightkindofme]

Hard.  My first child was that way.  I didn't understand that she was high needs.  I thought that was just how babies were.  I was not able to function in any real way for 18 months.  It was really brutal.  To everyone who says "back carry!" I did.  I did until my back hurt so much that walking was an issue.  I literally had reduced physical ability to walk because of the strain of carrying her after a severely debilitating pregnancy.  It was a nightmare.  Thank God she was my first.  I was able to sit in a chair and nurse her for 6 months straight.  My husband brought me food before and after work.  I got up mostly to get food or use the rest room.  

My second child is night and day.  She will entertain herself for an hour or more at a time by playing with toys on the floor while I accomplish a fairly major home remodel all by myself.  She naps by herself on a bed *without me touching her or nursing her the whole time*.  She's only 8 months.  She's been doing this for months.  It feels like a gift from God.

I kind of think it is luck of the draw and you have to wait it out till it changes.  Encourage boundaries for yourself as much as you can in an age appropriate way.  You aren't doing anything wrong.  This kid just literally *needs* more from you.  I talk to my 3 year old about how much I love her, but I need space for my body to be my body without touching her body.  I have these conversations every day.  I bear as much physical contact as I can because she would still prefer to be carried around on my back all day.  She *loves* me.  I'm trying to meet as much of that need as I can because I feel like receiving that intensity of love is a gift.  

btw, I'm not religious at all.  I'm a mostly secular person with some woo woo traits.  :)  I just feel like framing my kids in the best light possible helps me get through the really hard days. ;)

[JamesMarie]

It's so great to read these replies. It helps just knowing there is another end of this tunnel and it will get easier (if never easy). 

We have an ellaroo carrier which I use to front carry her in most of the time, (I also use a ring sling but not as often since it is only one shoulder thus harder on me). I have tried the back carry multiple times, she just shrieks the whole time. Even with swaying, dancing and singing her favorite songs (which almost always work in other contexts. After the last failure a few weeks ago I figured I would give it another month and then try again, hopefully as she grows she will tolerate it.  I back carried her older brothers so often and it was really useful for dinner making, dish washing and other child tending. I hope the little one will accept it eventually.

beenmum, I completely agree with you. And I do put her down to try and teach her that I need some personal space. What happens generally is that she just sits on the floor wailing at full volume until I pick her up again. Same with the high chair. I'm not extremely sensitive to noise but often I feel like the crying is worse than the holding. It's a necessary evil, if she is awake when I need to be cooking or helping my pre-schooler in the bath, sometimes I just have to listen to her cry from a safe place near me.

We have had another good day today, she is actually crawling around on the floor now, exploring our downstairs. She has even wandered into the playroom with her brothers as I sit in the bedroom typing. It is amazing, especially after the past few weeks we've had (which was the worst in recent memory). I'm really hoping that this is a sign that we're coming out of the hardest period. We've only had a little crying today when she was tired and needed a nap.

I think my attitude has helped. After writing out what was going on here on mothering and how I felt, some of my resentment seemed to go away. I've been taking time for family yoga with my boys while she naps everyday and I feel okay leaving the dishes for later in order to make that connection with them. I have given up on the ideal life with clean kitchen and laundry folded and put away and I'm starting to embrace a messier but more relaxed life.

[mom2lucy]

Glad to hear you're having a better day!  i just wanted to chime in to say that I totally understand how you feel.  DD2 is not quite as intense as yours, but still fits with a lot of those traits.  DD1, by comparison, was a dream baby and I'm also having a hard time trying not to compare them.  I've found that the days that go the best are when *I* decide to make them go well.  Days when I accept that I'm not responsible for how the girls feel and how they respond to my actions (but always making sure that I'm calm, patient, loving and compassionate).  I've found that it's a lot easier for me to display those qualities when I let go of expecting a certain reaction from them.

Even if their behavior is "terrible" if I can stay present and connected to them without trying to change it I feel much better.  I know it's SOOOO hard to have a needy baby when there's older kids that you feel like you're neglecting.  As mentioned earlier, your older ones are learning a lot of lessons through this process-how to be patient, how to share, and what unconditional love looks like.  They watch you deal with your DD and even if they don't show it now, they're seeing what it looks like to love someone unconditionally.  They're seeing what it looks like to be a good parent and embedding that image in their minds.  Hopefully when they're grown they'll attract someone just like you to mother their children.

When I hear DD1 talk to her dolls and say the same things I say to DD2, it just melts my heart.  I know she's absorbing everything that goes on and that makes me really slow down and pay attention to how I react.  If I'm always flustered and overwhelmed and running around the chicken with it's head cut off, she's going to embody those traits too.

From other friends of mine who've had HN kids, they all said that it's much easier once they're walking and talking.  Once she can communicate her needs with you it will be so much better.  Hang in there mama, you've got a ton on your plate and it sounds like you're doing a great job!  She's so close to those milestones (walking and talking), know that it will only get better. 

I did want to add that I have a niece that sounds similar to yours (the constant screaming) and she turned out to have an allergy to whey.  Have you looked into food allergies/sensitivities?

Good luck and be easy on yourself!