UP/UC and Panicing Mothers in Law

[Azadehhast]

Hi, everyone! I've been reading this forum for ages, and I've gotten so much great information, so thank you!

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with our first baby, and I decided before I conceived that I wanted to UP/UC. I had an obstetric exam and had my IUD removed, then conceived two days later! I am 26 and very healthy, and I've been reading midwifery texts for years and years. I trust my body, and I know that pregnancy is not a disease. When not pregnant, I know if something is wrong in my body simply because I AM in my body, and know to seek care when necessary--so I trust that the same will be true for my pregnant self. I'm confident in birth, and I'm planning to have my mother, who is an EMP and had wonderful births herself, present at mine. I feel great about my choices! So does my husband.

Here's the problem: I didn't want to tell my MIL about the UP/UC plans at all, or at least not so soon, but she's been bugging me to see a doctor since we told her I was pregnant. "For confirmation and prenatals" she says. What??? Like two tests and my own feelings aren't confirmation enough? Like you can't get prenatals at a drug store? But she's a woman who trusts deeply in regular medicine, and believes in the necessity of medicalized pregnancy and birth. She's not even comfortable with the idea of a midwife instead of an MD. Anyway, with all the nudging at both me and DH, DH finally told her, no, I haven't been to a doctor, and I'm not planning to do so unless something is wrong.

Ensue panic.

God, I really don't want her to meddle in what is an easy, joyful process! I especially didn't think I'd have to be so defensive this early.

So, now she's off panicing, and we told her DH and I will talk tonight (to have a joint message and confidence), and then talk to her again. She hung up on me.

How to handle these sorts of things? Our mind has been made up, and won't change unless something high-risk comes up, but I don't want her to live in panic for the next 7 months, and I don't want her to spend that time trying to scare us about our "bad choices", and really, I want to maintain a good happy spirit around the life of our child. No panic necessary!

Anyway, recommendations please?

[Caitlin0919]

We're not planning to UP, but we're planning to UC and we're just not going to tell any family members at all. MIL is like yours, not even comfortable with a midwife over an MD and my parents would just tell me they thought I was stupid, which I don't need to hear. My siblings would definitely tell my parents and so would DH's. It's too bad your MIL pushed DH into telling her. Honestly, I would probably set up one appointment and maybe see if you can record the heartbeat on a cell phone or something(?) and then just pretend that you're going to regular appointments after that. Most pre-natal appointments don't have much to them anyway. Pee in a cup, check your blood pressure, measure, any questions? I'd go in just to get one piece of evidence to show her and prove that you're seeing someone and then just lie the rest of the time and say, "Oh yeah, the doctor says everything is fine. Right on schedule." I'm sorry if you're not comfortable with lying, but if I were in your situation I would just to keep MIL happy and keep my life stress-free.

[sunshinemoma]

hmm...this is tough.  I'm glad you and DH are confident in your plans.  I think if you kindly stand firm that this is the best route for your family.. she may get more insistant and meddlesome, but, on the otherhand who knows, she just might sense your and *her son's* confidence and just relax a bit.  I love the point that you make, that if something IS wrong you will get proper medical help at that point- hopefully that reasoning will be comforting to extended family as well, right?  I mean you are right, It's not a far stretch to believe that one can sense if something is wrong when not pregnant so why can't people trust that a woman is able sense a problem when pregnant??  

Anyways GOODLUCK.  I hope you and DH stay confident and happy about everything!

oh and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

[catholic74]

It's hard. There's no way around it.  Things I do that feel perfectly natural/normal to me are so unfathomable to others and I understand that.  I really do.  There was a time I would have been shocked if someone had said they were planning to birth alone or that they breastfed for over 2 years (OMG!!!!!).   These are two things I have done and they feel perfectly normal to me.   All you can do is try to stay calm and answer questions when they come up as long as the person you're dealing with is reasonable and respectful.  I did have an issue with my stepdad, who was outraged that I refused to circumcize my son and would not stop hounding me and it was obvious he had no interest in hearing me out, so I had to try a different stategy to deal with him.  I simply became firm about the subject and certainly never agreed to talk about it.  He soon got the message that the subject was off limits. We get along just fine and enjoy family get togethers now. We just don't talk about circumcision and never will.   So some folks will come around and get curious and ask questions and this is good. Others will never get it and it's best to politely but firmly refuse to engage in any conversation.  I don't care who it is. I'm telling you, you must keep your own sense of peace and protect yourself from stress.   Also, I've experienced that most issue are intense for a while, but over time, they cool down and people just accept things, even if they still always think you're a little strange!    Just hang in there, do what you feel is best for you and know that the intensity of the bad feelings will likely dissipate over time.

[ElizabethE]

I agree- the intensity of the feelings will dissipate. If only you hadn't told her, though, huh? I know hindsight is 20/20 but telling people always seems like a bit of a roll of the dice to me. Especially after reading stories of people whose loved ones have attempted to interfere with their plans or reported them to authorities.

I know this isn't for everyone, but personally if it were me in your shoes, I would minimize contact. This is good because it a) reduces the negativity you are subjected to and b) reduces the chance for her to keep working herself up, getting upset, and "meddling" in any additional or unforeseen ways.

For me UC has been all about doing what I needed to do for me and the baby. Period. Anybody who tries to interfere with that is in for a world of hurt. I say set yourself up with the best possible outcome so that your birth can be exactly what it needs to be for you. You and the baby come first so do whatever it takes, even if it means temporarily losing touch with someone you care about. Her attitude cannot entirely be helped, and if you've already attempted to be rational and reason with her and that didn't work, you just have no choice but to move on without her, right? Her panic is hers, not yours.  She'll settle down. "Out of sight, out of mind"? I mean, maybe just a little bit. This topic needs to disappear with her.

And of course, congratulations!

[vanessalucas@comca]

First- Congrats!!!  I can relate. My MIL is very conservative when it comes to medicine. Both mom's were in the (hosp) room when I birthed dd1. She was freaked out when we chose a HB/mw with dd2. I had to have the midwife kick her out of my house b/c she was wringing her hands and had 911 ready to dial, not to mention the bad mojo she was giving off. This go round we aren't telling her much. I won't be calling her until after the baby is born this time. She has (for the most part) kept her opinions to herself this go round. But she doesn't know that we are up/uc'ing this time. She's the kind of person that lives in fear of the what if's in life. She's a good person, and I love her but man...

As for you, I would def hold steady, and kindly explain that if she wants to be a part of this wonderful experience, she needs to back off. It doesn't matter if she agrees with your choices, but she needs to respect it! Many well wishes and fx that she will settle down and embrace the bigger picture- She's going t obe a gma!

[weliveintheforest]

Are you considering seeing a midwife at all?  I used registered midwives for my first baby and they didn't test my urine or anything, they took my word for it that I was pregnant... Maybe you could make an interview appt with some and then you can at least say you saw some midwives and then let her think what she wants about your plans.  Even though she isn't even comfortable with midwives there is plenty of stuff online about BC midwives and what they do and how safe they are, etc, and combined with a firm "our plans are not up for discussion" it might be enough to make her back off.   

[hereyes]

Originally Posted by weliveintheforest 

Are you considering seeing a midwife at all?  I used registered midwives for my first baby and they didn't test my urine or anything, they took my word for it that I was pregnant... Maybe you could make an interview appt with some and then you can at least say you saw some midwives and then let her think what she wants about your plans.  Even though she isn't even comfortable with midwives there is plenty of stuff online about BC midwives and what they do and how safe they are, etc, and combined with a firm "our plans are not up for discussion" it might be enough to make her back off.   

^Agreed. MW dropped me at 37 weeks gestation and I couldn't secure another one, so I prepared for an UC but I kept saying it'd be a HB with MW when people would ask because I was met with hostility when I did mention it. It didn't work out in the end because my husband was never on board with a UC, he blabbed about my totally irrational decision to have my baby my way on facebook, and my MIL called while I was in labor and, of course, he told her what was going on and after 15 minutes of her screaming through the phone he was standing over the birthing tub with a robe telling me to get out and we're going to the hospital.

I'm not sure which is worse, the panicky MIL or the momma's boy that does everything his mother says even if it totally disregards what his wife wants.... nevermind, I know which is worse.... the momma's boy .

As long as your husband supports you and neither of you will be swayed by family interference, don't worry about your MIL...or anyone else for that matter. Once the baby arrives, is happy and healthy, she won't care how your LO got here.

[zoebird]

I also UP/UC'd my first. I highly recommend it.

Both my mother and MIL were against our birthing process, but at a certain point, you just have to say that this is the (unified) decision that you have made for your family. They may freak out in any number of ways, but you simply have to say that this is what you have decided to do.

Both my mother and MIL backed off after we finally just said 'enough.' She doesn't get an opinion. You can be kind, and say things like "I understand your concern, and certainly we hold the same concerns. we just feel that there is a different, and equally appropriate, way of going through this process. At this point, you need to make peace with our decision."

They backed off, then.

[Azadehhast]

Oh, everyone, thank you for such kind, encouraging, comforting words!

It seems that, for now, this MIL storm has passed. She's still very upset, but we've helped her to see that she doesn't get to sway the choices, and that, basically, if she wants a relationship with her son and grandchild, she should keep her thoughts to herself. I hope she does so! We told a little fib and said yes when she asked if we'll have a midwife at the birth, and she seems to have accepted that. Now she's moved on to worrying about pediatritians and vaccines. But at least my happy, supportive husband has seen the light about telling fibs, and we've agreed basically just to tell people what they want to hear when they ask about birth plans. We can tell the truth after our squalling baby has arrived, and no one will mind then! Oh, and we've decided not to tell people when labor has begun, for just the sort of panic you had to deal with, Hereyes (which, btw, that sounds awful!), so hopefully all goes well!

Zoebird I'm so happy to see that you UP/UCd your first, and, contrary to what MILs will say, you've (I assume) got a healthy child!

[Lisa1970]

I would just tell her you have an OB and let her believe that. Give her a due date 2 weeks later than your real one so she is not watching you carefully to go to the hospital when you have the baby. Then, when the baby is born, you can either pretend it was an accident it happened at home, or you can call her when the baby is a day old and claim you just got home from the hospital. It is none of her business how you birth and you do not need her stress nor do you have to put up with it.

[Lisa1970]

Oh, and look up names of OBs first and give her a random name. Even if she tries to call and check to see if you have gone to that OB, they cannot release information. Plus, it will show how much she oversteps her boundaries if she actually tries to call who she thinks is your doctor.

[sharita]

I agree with the just not telling her.  I know you said you already did share your wishes but you could always say your still shopping around for an OB since its early in the pregnancy (most wont see you until after 8 weeks anyway).  Then, just be as vague as possible with info.  from all the stories I have read about family members (even the ones that seemed okay with it at first but started to panic later in the pregnancy) interferring and causing the pregnant mom much uneeded stress, I would just keep it between me and my hubby.  You could always say you guys are doing midwifery care and doing homebirth also but then oops, midwife didn't get there in time.  Either way, it is not against the law to birth however you want but a worried or scared enough family member could cause a lot of stress for ya.  Congrats on being so comfortable and trusting your own body to do what it was designed to do. 

Me, I was seeing a midwife (cnm) for shadow care simply to have the ultrasound and so it would look like an oops if I needed to transport for some reason and I wouldn't have to worry about meeting all the questioning and judging from the hospital knowing I was purposely UC'ing. 

Good luck with you guys!