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Circumcision argument with husband! - Page 2

post #21 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by SuzyQ-ME View Post



 

How is is fair for one parent to steamroll the other on something that matters to them - or worse yet, that they may have pre-conceived misunderstandings about? 





This is an issue to steamroll over.

I see you are new here but at MDC we do not endorse the cutting of baby boys.

There are moms here who cut their spouses out of the homebirth decision, the never vaxing decisions and the extended breastfeeding decision. I worked through all those with my husband as a partner should. But I was willing to draw a line in the sand over hurting my beautiful boy. All men are born with a foreskin.. Mother Nature makes them this way


How on earth do you think you are convincing anyone on the fence by advocating cutting her partner out of the conversation?  This boggles my mind.  I think you will be surprised at how many more women (and men!) you would convince of your point of view if you stuck to the facts.


Edited by hck73 - 5/5/11 at 4:19pm
post #22 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by hck73 View Post



Hello, hyperbole!  So glad you could join in the conversation.  It's always lots of fun when things are taken out of context, don't ya think?  Give me a break.  She wasn't advocating circumcising or otherwise but *gasp* behaving like a team w/ one's partner.  Ever heard of catching more flies w/ honey?
 

 


I didn't take her post out of context at all. I don't agree that it is a decision to be made together as that implies there is more than one option. For me, and the philosophy of MDC, cutting is not an option. Thus, there is no decision to be made. Having a discussion to provide information is usually the first step, but if it comes down to the one who wants to cut will not listen or read the information or still wants to cut after hearing/reading the information, steamrolling may be the only solution left. Circumcision IS that serious.
Edited by Tofu the Geek - 5/5/11 at 4:09pm
post #23 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tofu the Geek View Post

It would seem that you haven't heard of catching flies with honey, your post was rude. I was not rude to the poster I replied to, I stated my disagreement and why.

I didn't take her post out of context at all. I don't agree that it is a decision to be made together as that implies there is more than one option. For me, and the philosophy of MDC, cutting is not an option. Thus, there is no decision to be made. Having a discussion to provide information is usually the first step, but if it comes down to the one who wants to cut will not listen or read the information or still wants to cut after hearing/reading the information, steamrolling may be the only solution left. Circumcision IS that serious.


*shrug* If you say so.  It sure read rude to me and your quote sure seemed out of context.  I agree w/ you that the first step is to gather information.  I do not, however, agree that one parent is more in charge.  I've never had this issue w/ my husband, but I can tell you that I would not put up with him treating me as disrespectfully as you are advising the OP to act towards her partner.  It is your *opinion* that there is no decision.  Not everyone feels like that I would be extremely surprised if the OP's partner changed his mind if she took your advice.  IMO, her partner is being childish by not even entertaining the information and that should really be the focus - not to get her to act in the same way. 

 

OP, there is still a long way to go until we give birth so my advice to you is to keep trying to let your partner know how important this is to you and try to find out why he is so adamant.  I know there are a lot of men who grew up being told that any other way than circed is unclean but I think there's a lot of information out there to show that that is simply not true.  Good luck with this.  It's hard when you and your partner aren't on the same page.  I hope you can work it out.

 

post #24 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by hck73 View Post




*shrug* If you say so.  It sure read rude to me and your quote sure seemed out of context.  I agree w/ you that the first step is to gather information.  I do not, however, agree that one parent is more in charge.  I've never had this issue w/ my husband, but I can tell you that I would not put up with him treating me as disrespectfully as you are advising the OP to act towards her partner.  It is your *opinion* that there is no decision.  Not everyone feels like that I would be extremely surprised if the OP's partner changed his mind if she took your advice.  IMO, her partner is being childish by not even entertaining the information and that should really be the focus - not to get her to act in the same way. 

See, I think there was a misunderstanding. I wasn't advocating that she steamroll. I stated that it is fair to stand up for the child's rights and fair to take a strong stance. Nowhere does this say steamroll. That was brought up later by someone else, and I agreed that it might have to be used as a last resort if the other person won't budge. And if it comes to the point where one parent wants to abuse the child and won't listen to reason, then what other options does the non abusing parent have?

The poster I responded to did say that it wasn't fair for a parent to insist that a child to be left intact. Well, it is fair to insist. Fair to the child. It is how you go about insisting it that is the issue. I was not advocating to yell and scream or say you'll divorce if you didn't get your way. I was just trying to say that their is *not* UNfairness in advocating for your child to be intact. I said to not back down, and by that I mean to not give in to a parent that wants to cut the child. My advice was meant to be that it is *okay* to not give in. I took her words at face value, if she didn't mean that being insistent on intactness was unfair, then she'll have to explain what she did mean.

I take MDC's against routine infant circumcision and in that respect, there is only one option. But, it may be one parent's job to do a darn good job of educating so they don't have to get to the point to have to handle it harshly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hck73 View Post

OP, there is still a long way to go until we give birth so my advice to you is to keep trying to let your partner know how important this is to you and try to find out why he is so adamant.  I know there are a lot of men who grew up being told that any other way than circed is unclean but I think there's a lot of information out there to show that that is simply not true.  Good luck with this.  It's hard when you and your partner aren't on the same page.  I hope you can work it out.

 

I completely agree with you here. I got lucky that when I was able to discuss the circumcision issue with my partner before we were married and had kids. If he would not have agreed (either right away or after providing him with information), I would never have married or had children with him. Not everybody has the opportunity to have this discussion beforehand so I feel very fortunate.
post #25 of 56

Philomom...c'mon, that was totally uncalled for. WE do not endorse trashing other moms either. New or not. Suzy Q is isn't endorsing circumcision. In fact she came clean with a subject she knew would insight a riot and that took guts. She has a valid reason for her choices. Many of us here have been in similar situations, however, we choose to have civilized conversations with our spouses rather than attacking on a passionate subject. Like Hck73 says...ya catch more bees with honey. Sheesh. Like I tell my children, its okay to have have your own opinions and feelings, but its not okay to react with hostility. I don't like to see this here. Play nice please.

post #26 of 56


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by hck73 View Post




This was so hard to read because we went through a very similar experience last year when my son was 6.  His issue was a bit different in that it was his frenulum that was too tight.  The options were to circ and be done w/ it or cut the frenulum and have to keep retracting it every day to make sure it didn't grow back (or some such thing - I've kind of blocked it out, it makes me so sad).  We opted for the circ because we thought it would end up being the least amount of pain.  We can never know if it was the right choice or not but it worked out ok.  He's fine.  But I still hate that he had to go through that.  Which, of course, leaves me in a terrible quandary w/ this baby who *is* a boy.  My instinct is to leave him be but I can't find any info on stats of this condition or if it's hereditary or what.  Not looking to be "convinced" by anyone, BTW.  Just wanted to thank you, Dlynn, for sharing because I know how hard that is. 

 

Thanks so much, I was a little concerned that this would open a huge can of worms. However I can see that was already taken care of...eesh. I don't know about you but I didn't come on here to argue, but get the support of other moms. Ive said it before, but Ill say it again, we all live different lives and are faced with different challenges. We can't all make the same decision. The important part is to make informed decisions that work for your family. No one here is badmouthing leaving our children intact, so I think a little respect is due.

post #27 of 56

The rudeness and sarcastic comments must stop. Please post respectfully to exchange opinions and give advice or you will lose your posting privileges. 

 

If you have posted in a rude or negatively sarcastic way please edit your post. If you're not sure about your post but think it might be rude or disrespectful, please edit. 

 

Rainbow.gif

post #28 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tofu the Geek View Post

See, I think there was a misunderstanding.


I take MDC's against routine infant circumcision and in that respect, there is only one option. But, it may be one parent's job to do a darn good job of educating so they don't have to get to the point to have to handle it harshly.


I completely agree with you here. I got lucky that when I was able to discuss the circumcision issue with my partner before we were married and had kids. If he would not have agreed (either right away or after providing him with information), I would never have married or had children with him. Not everybody has the opportunity to have this discussion beforehand so I feel very fortunate.

So we are saying the same thing after all :)  I get it - it's a heated topic.  I just hate when we (women) judge each other instead of banding together.  Things can also sound a lot more curt over the internet. This isn't a hot button issue in my marriage, thankfully, but I'd like to think if it were we'd somehow be able to talk it out and come to a decision.  And I really hope the OP and her partner can, too.  Of course, the ball is really in his court (as far as being open to discussion) so I wish her all the luck.
 

 

post #29 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dlynn918 View Post


 

Thanks so much, I was a little concerned that this would open a huge can of worms. However I can see that was already taken care of...eesh. I don't know about you but I didn't come on here to argue, but get the support of other moms. Ive said it before, but Ill say it again, we all live different lives and are faced with different challenges. We can't all make the same decision. The important part is to make informed decisions that work for your family. No one here is badmouthing leaving our children intact, so I think a little respect is due.


I think it's inevitable on this topic :/  I very nearly didn't say anything because, well, it's my son's body and really his business.  But I really needed to applaud your post.  It's a really difficult decision to have to make :(

 

post #30 of 56
Thread Starter 

Okay, I didn't expect all that!

There is some valuable info to think about however. My dh is known for being very stubborn, but I'm wondering if showing him a video may help. Where may I find one? Also, I'm going to contact our insurance to see if it is a covered surgery. Financial pressure may do the trick where emotional/rational will not.

Of course, if it is a girl, there are no worries! Wish me luck...

post #31 of 56

I don't see anything rude here.  Just because people don't agree and are speaking up doesn't mean it's being rude.

 

As for the DH who had a bad later in life circ, that argument may color ones thoughts but it isn't very scientific IN THAT it can happen with an infant circ too.  So you can cut a boy at 3 days and have major issues or hold off and let nature be.  IF (and that's a BIG IF) there is a problem later, one can address it at that point.  Would you (a general you) preemptively do cardiac surgery because there *might* be an issue or would you hold off till there/if there was one?

post #32 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by scsigrl View Post

I don't see anything rude here.  Just because people don't agree and are speaking up doesn't mean it's being rude.


Posters have edited. winky.gif And I think the points are coming across better now. thumb.gif

 

post #33 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tofu the Geek View Post




Posters have edited. winky.gif And I think the points are coming across better now. thumb.gif

 

Carry on :)  lol
 

 

post #34 of 56

I know this is a super hot button issue. My son is circumcised and I am unsure if I regret it or not. The truth is I left it up to my husband, for some to think that I don't belong at MDC or that I am a bad mother because of this I think that is a little uncalled for. We are not all going to agree on everything crunchy and parenting, nor should we, and I know Mothering's stance but that does not mean I cannot be a member of the community with a voice.

 

We are now expecting our second, don't know the sex and truth be told, if left soley up to me I am not sure I would do it again BUT my husband is not ashamed of his circumcision and does not consider himself mutilated. He takes much offense to that term and will not listen to the "intactivists" simply because of their harsh and offensive language. The truth is that our children are OUR children and his opinion is just as important as mine. It is important to respect your husband as well as your kids. I dont feel like the OP's husband is respecting her simply because he is refusing to talk about it with her but some men are even more passionate for circumsision then the female intactivists are against it. It may not matter to some but one of the reasons he is for it is because a friend of his had it done as a teenager because of problems and it was a horrific experience for the kid. 

 

By the way, "mother nature" gave me wisdom teeth, and a brain tumor, I didn't keep those. There are other points you can make but that part of it is not a solid argument.

 

 

post #35 of 56

My dh and I had that argument and I let him chose in the end. I seriously regret it! It was just so wrong! I am very unhappy about this. 

 

Stand your ground. Tell him this is going to be like congress..there has to be a 2/3 vote to change something....and he is not 2/3 of this group. If you both agree to chopping his penis, then you will do it. Otherwise, until you are both in agreement, it will not be done.

post #36 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by LACandy View Post

By the way, "mother nature" gave me wisdom teeth, and a brain tumor, I didn't keep those. There are other points you can make but that part of it is not a solid argument.

 

 



But not everyone gets those removed and never at birth.

I still have my tonsils, appendix and a tailbone.
post #37 of 56

I didn't take time to read all of the posts, because I don't want to get involved... I just wanted to tell you my story and how I went about it.

 

I'm also anti-circ. My husband is for it. Like, way for it. Anytime it got brought up, he just changed the subject and ignored me.

 

I'm also anti-vax, pro co-sleeping and pro-cloth diapering.

 

I compromised. ;-) I weighed what was more important to me...

 

I told him he could name the baby, vaccinate it, put it in it's own bed and diaper it how he pleases if we left the baby's foreskin alone UNTIL the baby was old enough to decide for himself if he wanted it done or not.

 

Granted, I'm only 13 weeks so I'm still praying for a girl so we don't have to deal with this. LOL That's just how we resolved our issue.

 

I just reminded him that just because we aren't doing it at birth doesn't mean we can't get it done later if/when our unborn son decides that HE wants it.

 

Lots of luck to you. I know it's a bitter battle and I hope it gets resolved peacefully.

post #38 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by LACandy View Post

, for some to think that I don't belong at MDC or that I am a bad mother because of this I think that is a little uncalled for. 

 

 

By the way, "mother nature" gave me wisdom teeth, and a brain tumor, I didn't keep those. There are other points you can make but that part of it is not a solid argument.

 

 


No, you don't have to agree but just as I wouldn't come here asking for advice on spanking a kid, I wouldn't expect to come here for pro circ info.


Pointing out not doing surgeries on babies because there is no point to it is just as solid as I someone who says "I know someone who had a botched one."  Neither one is scientific.  THe science is that if you DON'T circ, you won't have a botched one and chances of needing one later in life because of an issue is minimal.

 

post #39 of 56

I kept my wisdom teeth. And people get brain tumors removed due to the fact that it can cause death. Foreskins do not kill.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by LACandy View Post

By the way, "mother nature" gave me wisdom teeth, and a brain tumor, I didn't keep those. There are other points you can make but that part of it is not a solid argument.

 

 





But not everyone gets those removed and never at birth.

I still have my tonsils, appendix and a tailbone.
 


 

post #40 of 56

Maybe he needs some reassurance that you like his penis?

 

(You'd think that getting pregnant would be reassurance enough...;)

 

Seriously, though, I think that a lot of men feel self-conscious or like you're criticizing their penis because it's circumcised. They get defensive and shut out your thoughts.

 

I know after discussing it with my partner he felt sad that he was circumcised and felt a little awkward about it for a while (although he always thought that it was my decision to make, not his).

 

Now he's very adamantly against routine infant circumcision (it's not just females who are intactivists!),

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