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Circumcision argument with husband! - Page 3

post #41 of 56

It must be really hard to be struggling with your partner over this. 

 

I was 13 when my brother was born, and was in the hospital when they did the circumcision.  He felt it.  The truth is that babies feel everything the rest of us feel; they just can't protest it.

 

I remember my mom using the same arguments you mentioned - "boys should look like their dads," "he'll be teased in the locker room," "it's just what you do," "it's more hygienic" (which it was, in Biblical times when they first started doing it).  None of those arguments really seemed to make sense to me, and still don't.

 

Now I'm having a baby boy, and for any procedure that is not medically necessary, it comes down to this: his body, his decision.  If he wants to get circumcised as an adult for any reason, I will support him.  Until then, I'm not letting anyone remove a part of his body that God put there.

 

I think some adult men are a little defensive about this, because they themselves were circumcised and for that reason, they prefer to think of it as a "necessary" thing with no potential disadvantages.  But many have educated themselves about the historical and other reasons for the procedure and made a different decision for their new babies, and maybe your husband will be open to doing so as well.

 

Just my two cents.  Good luck!

post #42 of 56

Quote:

Originally Posted by librarymommy View Post

Okay, I didn't expect all that!

There is some valuable info to think about however. My dh is known for being very stubborn, but I'm wondering if showing him a video may help. Where may I find one? Also, I'm going to contact our insurance to see if it is a covered surgery. Financial pressure may do the trick where emotional/rational will not.

Of course, if it is a girl, there are no worries! Wish me luck...

Many (most?) health care providers in my region require parents to watch a video before the procedure can be performed. Here is a link to the resources in The Case Against Circumcision sub-forum.
 

 

post #43 of 56

I don't know if this has been said before or not, but unless both mom's and dad's signatures are signed you can hold your ground and your baby will not be cut.  You both have to consent.

post #44 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by FarmerCathy View Post

I don't know if this has been said before or not, but unless both mom's and dad's signatures are signed you can hold your ground and your baby will not be cut. You both have to consent.


I thought that varied on location?


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post #45 of 56

Yes I have heard that it only takes one parental signature unfortunately :(
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by FarmerCathy View Post

I don't know if this has been said before or not, but unless both mom's and dad's signatures are signed you can hold your ground and your baby will not be cut.  You both have to consent.



 

post #46 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phineasmama View Post

Yes I have heard that it only takes one parental signature unfortunately :(
 



 

Ugh.  Maybe that's just a CA thing.  My friend refused and her dh couldn't do anything about it there.  That's a bummer.  I'm thinking video maybe the only way to go to try to sway him.  I'm sorry mama.  It should be up to the child when he's old enough to figure out what he wants done to his body.  I hope he sees the light before the end of your pregnancy.

post #47 of 56
Thread Starter 

OP here. Thanks for all your support. Our ultrasound is tomorrow, so I'll know for sure if I need to get into this. I'll let you know.

post #48 of 56

It only takes 1 signature here.

post #49 of 56

I posted a few days ago about having had this particular argument with my husband in the past and possibly having to face it again. And yep, I will. We had our ultrasound today and the baby is a boy. I'm sad to say that the thought of the circumcision discussion is suppressing any joy I may have otherwise felt. greensad.gif

Did you have your ultrasound? Was everything alright?

post #50 of 56

I hope that everyone comes to an agreement. It can be tough. When our oldest son was born I freaked out at the thought of them hacking at my baby's penis. So, I told my husband he had to decide and he didn't make a decision so that was the decision. Both of our boys are intact and I am thankful that we didn't have to fight over it. 

 

I have a friend who let her husband decide also even though she did not support circ and their oldest boys is circ'd and their youngest isn't. The younger one was born at home so the momma told her husband he had to make the appts needed to get it done if he wanted to and he waited too long. So now, they have one of each. I don't know what their long term plan will be with that. 

post #51 of 56

I don't know if this has been mentioned or not, but what about talking to your pediatrician?  The pediatrician I chose for my children refused to do cosmetic procedures on children, so he would not perform routine infant circumcision.  At least this is what someone told me when I was looking for a pediatrician in my area.  I never actually talked to him about it as I had a girl, but he was also willing to work with parents who choose not to vaccinate, and who had homebirths.  So maybe finding a doctor who shares your opinions might help. 

 

Even if you do have a girl, I think this issue is worth working out.  I'm not sure I ever worked it out with my partner, honestly.  When we were having our first, I said I was opposed to circumcision, he said he was in favor of it.  He said if I really felt strongly about it, he'd go with my opinion.  I said if he really felt strongly about it, I'd go with his opinion.  We had a girl.  Four years later, I was pregnant again, and much stronger in my anti-circumcision feeling.  Early on in my pregnancy, my husband said something to the effect of, "I guess we're going to have to have the circumcision debate again" and I said, "No debate, we're not doing it."  Of course that got his hackles up and he started pushing the "we need to discuss all the issues".  I told him that our daughter's pediatrician didn't even perform them and a few other things.  My feeling was we decided it the last time, and this time it really IS important to me.  He didn't really push it after that, but maybe it got swept under the lets-hope-it-goes-away rug.  Ultimately, though, he is reasonable and I think he would have realized that he was in part reacting based on emotion, the emotion of knowing that it had been done to him but that doesn't mean it should be done to other people.

 

And if it was truly important to him, he could educate himself on the matter, but he was the type to say, "Oh, just read it and let me know, whatever you think is best" type.  At the same time, he also wants me to do the research in the way he wants it, double blind studies with lots of data that support my idea, and nothing whatsoever what he thinks is fringe.  That was his complaint about the immunization issue.  No, if he wants that data, than he needs to seek it out.  And he needs to understand the politics behind it all and understand just why what he wants might not exist. 

 

Absolutely with circumcision, first do no harm.  If he is not willing to read anything you've written, and he won't discuss his reasoning with you or provide you with anything to make his own case, but absolutely insists on his way, that is disrespectful to you and your children, and indicates potential problems in other areas.  So just trying to work this out might be beneficial to your marriage and how you interact with each other.  JMO.

post #52 of 56
Thread Starter 

That sounds like my husband. Anyway, the night before the ultrasound I broke down crying and we ended up talking. He said that I was arguing rationally and logically, but it was an emotional topic so therefore not getting through to him. (big gender role switch!) He admitted he wants the baby to look the same as him. At least we talked and we get where each other is coming from. He said that he would look at what I give him, but he wasn't changing his mind. But, better than where we were...

 

And yes, the baby is a boy! I just had a feeling which was why I was getting worked up over this. My dh said I took the news very well. DD's reaction was funny, as soon as we told her she was having a brother, she didn't want to have anything else to do with it.

 

I called the pediatrician but he hasn't called me back. Apparently only the OB's do the procedure where we live, and our doesn't. I'm not planning on making any appointments, so if DH wants it, he has to do the legwork (not that I'll allow it if he does!). Still have to find out about two signatures and the procedure for setting it up, I'm seeing my midwife tomorrow so I'll ask and MAKE SURE THAT I NEED TO APPROVE.

 

I'm feeling better about things, and I am getting excited about this baby boy. I have one friend who is very supportive, she just lives far away. Everyone else down here (friends, coworkers etc.) all think I'm crazy for even thinking about non circ. But I can't in good conscience allow it, so therefore I won't. I'll keep you all posted. It may be an interesting 4 1/2 months!

post #53 of 56

Congratulations! Baby boys are wonderful! :) I wanted to let you know that I was in your shoes. When I was pregnant with my DS my husband was adamant that DS be circumcised so that he would look the same as him. We had a lot of conversations. In the end he also decided that he did not want to circumcise. I did not pressure him, but I did make sure we both did our research together. We even watched a circumcision together. That was tough to watch. I think it's important you both get where each other is coming from. I think if he feels heard, he is more likely to be open to the reasons why not to circumcise. Give him time, he may surprise you! Mine sure did. 

 

BTW, I did the same thing as you. I told him if he wanted to do the circ, he would need to do the legwork to make sure it got done. winky.gif

post #54 of 56

I wanted to share this resource with the group: http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/.

 

 

post #55 of 56


Yes, I think it has to be the emotional impact of it, being asked to look at something that you've taken as given and that into something that was done to you by loving parents, and then reframing it as mutilating and painful--I think that can have an impact on these discussions.  My husband was somewhat emotional about homebirth too.  I showed him reports of studies, and he finally got a point where he said, "I don't care if you say it is safer, it doesn't FEEL safer."  And from then on, he was able to examine what was really worrying him about the whole thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by librarymommy View Post

That sounds like my husband. Anyway, the night before the ultrasound I broke down crying and we ended up talking. He said that I was arguing rationally and logically, but it was an emotional topic so therefore not getting through to him. (big gender role switch!) He admitted he wants the baby to look the same as him. At least we talked and we get where each other is coming from. He said that he would look at what I give him, but he wasn't changing his mind. But, better than where we were...

post #56 of 56

I just don't get the "look the same as me" thing.  Have you asked your DH how many times he remembers seeing his Dad's penis?  DH was never pro-circ so we never had the discussion really but we have had it since about other people arguing that point.  He has said he NEVER saw his Dad's penis.  Doesn't know if he is circed or not.  Nor does he care if our DS and he "look" the same.  We aren't going to dye DS's hair to match DH's and that is a LOT more noticeable than if they are bot the same in the penis department! I get different men will have different self image issues with it but seriously, do men really look at other mens penises all that much?

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