Bday party dilemma

[velochic]

Dd (9) has been invited to a birthday party by a school friend.  The problem is that the party is a kind of "diva for a day" party where they will be getting makeovers, their nails done, get dressed in some fairly skimpy clothes and heels (I checked out the website for the place and saw the pictures of past parties).  Philosophically, this is really against everything we believe in regarding how to raise a daughter.  I'm not really wanting to debate this philosophy, it just *is* for us.  Different strokes for different folks.  So...

Dd is not going to this birthday party, but I don't know what to say to this mother.  Dd told her friend that she would not be able to attend... and she told her it was because we don't allow makeup, nail polish, etc.  The way these parents are raising this little girl is anathema to the way we are raising dd, but I don't mind them playing together every once in a while.  I just don't want dd to spend a day in an environment that is diametrically opposed to our philosophy.  It's not a religion issue, but it is a moral/cultural issue for us (dh is from a ME country, so there is some influence from that).

So, the mother emailed me and said that dd wouldn't have to put on makeup or participate in anything, but that is the WHOLE of the party, except for the cake, which she can't have because of food intolerance.  Dd would basically be left out of everything, not to mention that we just don't want that influence in her life.  Period.

I'm wondering how to respond to this woman.  I don't know her REALLY well, but we chat when we see each other at the school.  I am thinking to just say, "Hey, we already have plans that weekend, so I'm sorry dd can't join you."  I think she'll probably see right through that, though.  I don't really want to get into the real reasons because she wouldn't understand.

These people are all about waste, and plastic, and bling, and materialism, and shallowness, and labels and what-you-wear-is-what-you-are and how important you are is directly proportional to what you drive...  they are so very, very mainstream and we are so very, very crunchy (compared to them).  I really don't think she would understand the reasons I would give and I don't know if I could put them in a way that wouldn't sound offensive.  I don't want to say anything that would hurt this mother's feelings or question her parenting philosophy, but at the same time don't want to lie.  Dd, though, has kind of already let the cat out of the bag about the "why".  Any thoughts on this?  I'd appreciate some advice from other crunchy moms who have had to navigate very mainstream situations.  (FTR - of all of dd's friends, this is the only one that is this way, so this has never been an issue so far.)

[Doodlebugsmom]

I don't think you need to explain anything. Just a simple "Sorry. Dd won't be able to make it to the party. I hope your dd has a very happy birthday!" should be fine. Don't feel forced to explain anything.

[MoonWillow]

I would just say that you have other plans. No reason to open a can of worms. Maybe she has her suspicions about the reasons but she can ask you directly if she wants to. 

[mamazee]

Vague answers are often best. "Dd isn't going tobe able to make it."

Of course your dd already told her why, and you and the mom have discussed it, but I think I'd still try to keep it vague. "Thanks for understanding, but I'm afraid dd won't be able to be there."

[Mosaic]

I guess I'm the oddball. It sounds like you'd like to preserve this relationship to the extent possible, since your daughters are friends and you don't mind them playing together in different settings. If your daughter hadn't already sorta spilled the beans, I would have agreed with the PPs who said to just decline without giving a reason. But since the mom has already come back trying to work with you, I feel like shutting down the conversation would seem abrupt and potentially off-putting at this point. I would thank her for trying so hard to include your daughter and explain that it would just be easier for your daughter to bow out of the party than to go and be unable to participate, then wish them a great time and a happy birthday.

[velochic]

Thanks for the quick replies.  My first inclination is to just say, "Sorry, we can't make it", too, but I also don't want her to get upset.  The girls *are* friends and I don't want to do something that would threaten the girls being able to get together every once in a while for a play date.  They enjoy each other's company and I most certainly don't want to hurt the mom's feelings.

[Youngfrankenstein]

I think saying you have other plans is a good way of not making waves.  You can smile and laugh it off and make playing plans for another day if it's that important.  I don't think saying you have other plans is mean in any way.  You are trying to preserve the other mom's feelings and not make her feel bad.  I doubt that it's even appropriate for you to tell her why her party is "bad" for your dd.  It would just be an insult to her.  She clearly does value those things and isn't asking what others think. KWIM?

If you still speak and develop a friendship, those truths may come out in time but I don't think it's the time or place unless she directly asks you.

[NellieKatz]

I would say just keep it vague. You have "other plans" and you "regret that she cannot make it to the party." Just be gracious and everything should be OK. By the way, you are under ZERO obligation to tell anyone why you cannot attend an event. But since the reason has sort of been leaked already, just stick to the two things I've said. If you're kind and gracious about it, and you preserve the other mother's pride (i.e. maybe add something like "I know that you're going to put on a terrific party for the girls; I hope we can see some photos of it afterward...or maybe you'll take video? We'd SO enjoy seeing that...."   Just to help the other mom not to feel judged.) Then there is no objection she could have. And I know that your DS's friendship here is important, but this should not affect it. The mother should accept your kind and face-saving response to the invitation and be done with it.

It's easy for us as women to be put on the defensive and feel forced to provide explanations for our decisions when really, none is needed; just a courteous response.

[crunchy_mommy]

I would say, "Sorry she can't make it, but we'd love to have your DD over for a little celebration at our house!" and then have her DD over for a sleepover or just play (maybe bake a cake or something)...

[blessedwithboys]

I COMPLETELY agree with your reasons for sending regrets, but I would still send a gift...no hard feeling, yk?

[mattemma04]

 I would just say no thank you to the party invite,and  suggest that the girls get together some other time to play. I would not go into detail over why dd shouldn't go to the party.

[JPiper]

Great responses!  I agree with being gracious and sending a birthday gift.  If you send an e mail with your 'regrets', you could say hope the birthday girl has a great celebration and special day, and that you appreciate the mom offering to change things up for your DD, but that you simply can't make it due to other family obligations....then spend that party time doing something special and in-line with your family values.  In that way, your response is kept truthful and sincere.

[Drummer's Wife]

I would have just RSVP'd saying DD couldn't attend.  They don't have to know why - it could just be that you have other plans, or whatever conflict gets in the way of her going as it is now.

But since your DD already said something, that makes it a bit trickier.  I wouldn't feel comfortable saying your values don't mesh with ours, or similar, and it sounds like the mom wants to make it work which is why she offered for your DD to come and not get dressed up/put make-up on.  I wouldn't want to make them feel bad about something that obviously sounds like a great time to them - and to the other girls that are attending - which is why I would have told my DD to keep quiet about it and/or just say, "my mom says I can't come b/c we are busy that weekend." 

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by NellieKatz 

I would say just keep it vague. You have "other plans" and you "regret that she cannot make it to the party." Just be gracious and everything should be OK. By the way, you are under ZERO obligation to tell anyone why you cannot attend an event. But since the reason has sort of been leaked already, just stick to the two things I've said. If you're kind and gracious about it, and you preserve the other mother's pride (i.e. maybe add something like "I know that you're going to put on a terrific party for the girls; I hope we can see some photos of it afterward...or maybe you'll take video? We'd SO enjoy seeing that...."   Just to help the other mom not to feel judged.) Then there is no objection she could have. And I know that your DS's friendship here is important, but this should not affect it. The mother should accept your kind and face-saving response to the invitation and be done with it.

It's easy for us as women to be put on the defensive and feel forced to provide explanations for our decisions when really, none is needed; just a courteous response.

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

I would say, "Sorry she can't make it, but we'd love to have your DD over for a little celebration at our house!" and then have her DD over for a sleepover or just play (maybe bake a cake or something)...

Originally Posted by mattemma04 

 I would just say no thank you to the party invite,and  suggest that the girls get together some other time to play. I would not go into detail over why dd shouldn't go to the party.

What all these said. You are under no obligation to explain and the other mom probably knows already anyway. Just thank her graciously and say how much you all would like to have her DD over another time to do something.

*DO NOT* get into your disapproval of the party! There's not a snowball's chance in hell that that will be received well. It just won't. So avoid it, stick to the party line of "other plans, have a wonderful time, we'd love Brunhilda to come over another time to celebrate with Crunchy Daughter. Thanks so much for the invitation."

[velochic]

Originally Posted by DariusMom 

*DO NOT* get into your disapproval of the party! There's not a snowball's chance in hell that that will be received well. It just won't. So avoid it

That's why I said that there is no way to explain it without it sounding judgmental and offensive.  I'm well aware of that, which is why I was not wanting to get into the whys and the best way of avoiding them.

Blessed: I like the idea of still getting a gift and will consider that.

I emailed her yesterday and the mom gracefully accepted my simple, "Unfortunately dd will not be able to attend... let's get them together another weekend soon."  Worried over nothing.