DS never sys "I love you"

[abeliamama]

My DS is eight and he has never told me he loves me.

I tell him every night when I tuck him in (and other random times throughout the day). He hears me tell other family members and they respond. I don't doubt he does love me, but as a Mom, I do want to hear it occasionally, ya know?

I know this can be hard for some, because  I have a hard time saying it, too. (though not to my kids). I don't really know why. We both have a really hard time talking about emotions. I can never get him to tel me how he feels about anything. He saw a psychologist for a while ans she didn't get anything out of him either. During a really emotional scene in a movie, he started crying and I reached over to hold his hand. He ran from the room and said the movie was stupid. I still to this day don't like for anyone to see me cry.

I have often wondered if he is on the low end of the autism spectrum. Would that be a reason why he has a hard time with saying it? He has been diagnosed with SPD.

Does anyone else's kid do this?

mama to DD 4-00 and DS 4-03

[mamazee]

It could just be a personality trait. Some people are very emotionally reserved, and uncomfortable with emotional displays.

[mags.bubble]

My 9yr old doesn't say it either. My other 2 kids do though. It used to bother me, but my ds days it in many other ways. He does hug & kiss me without prompting. We do cuddle at bed time. Incidently, I was away for a weekend with my youngest ds, and when I spoke with ds9 on the phone he did blurt out "I love you". I was surprised. Maybe because it was because I was away so he wasn't able to 'tell' me in his other ways.

I also notice he is very selective in signing Love when writing Thank yous. He only signs Love for his big sister, us, grandparents and one or 2 Uncles. Not cousins, other Aunts/Uncles and certainly not for friends.
 

HTH, I know it would be nice to hear the words, but there are other ways of showing Love.....

[doubledutch]

even though you know it, i'm sure it is sad to never hear it.  i don't have any advice, just wanted to offer some support.

i must admit that i rarely tell my parents i love them - and i do, they're great parents.  i don't understand why it's hard for me to say that to them (and my brother), because it's not hard for me to say it to my kids and friends.  even though i don't have an explanation, i really appreciate you causing me to think about this.

[meemee]

mama all i can offer is sympathy. 

for me its a hallmark term and i hate it. somehow even as a child i never really liked the term. 

i've never used it with dd. 

but i have a 100 silly ways and silly language to tell her that i do. 

however it is something i struggle with my mom. we were never a v. emotionally expressive family. i've never really said it to my family. but my mom keeps asking me to say that to her. and i do. i have never, ever said that to my dad and neither did he ever. but that silence between him and me spoke more than the words ever could. 

its really hard for me to say it to my mom. i do use it for her but i struggle. i feel extremely uncomfortable and feel so false using it. 

dd and i are a v. emotionally expressive family. instead of telling her how much i love her i tell her what an honour it is to be her mama, how much i love living life with her beside me... 

we have discussed this term. her dad uses it a long and i can see it has become a reflexive action for her. but she and i have talked about it. and i have expressed my wishes and she has accepted it because as she pointed out i say i love you in silly language. 

the sweetest thing my almost 9 year old does is she suddenly comes up and gives me a hug and a kiss. sometimes she brings me a glass of water. or a pillow. to me those are worth so more than i love you. 

[LynnS6]

Have you ever read "The 5 Love Languages of Children"? I found it very enlightening. The basic premise is that we all have ways to express love and ways that make us feel most loved. While I don't know how accurate the categories are that the authors developed, they work for my family. The ways of expressing/feeling loved are, I believe:

Words

Touch

Time

Acts of Service

Gifts

If your way of feeling loved doesn't match your loved one's, then the potential for conflict arises. For my ds, I know that his 'love languages' are time and acts of service. For my dd, it's words and touch (primarily). That doesn't mean they don't appreciate the other forms, but it does mean that they aren't the things that make them feel the most loved. It's also not the way they express their love. 

My son has also never said "I love you" as far as I know. When he was 2 1/2 he said "I really really like you" and that's as close as he's ever gotten. His idea of snuggling is to lay about 2 feet away from me on the bed! On the other hand, I know that he loves me. Why? Because every night before he goes to sleep, he comes downstairs after he's done reading and sits by me and watches what I'm doing (usually boring stuff like preparing a lecture) (time). Because when I ask him to run downstairs and get me something, he usually does cheerfully (act of service). Because he likes to come sit near me. Because he asks me to play baseball with him. Because he shares whatever random piece of sports trivia is going through his brain at the moment. Because when he has to choose between playing basketball with me or playing with a neighbor, for now, he'll choose me. (He's 10, I see that fading very soon.)

My dd, on the other hand, tells me "I love you" about 10 times a week. She wrote me a darling get well card saying "I hope you feel better soon" followed by hearts and "I love you, I love you, I love you".

FWIW, my reticent son also has SPD -- he's very tightly self controlled because of his sensory stuff and I think that's part of it. He does cry and doesn't feel that bad about it (he cried when his favorite team lost in the World Series playoffs.

What's really helped with my son is a number of things: The strategies in "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen.." on labeling emotions and describing them. I think ds feels things so deeply sometimes he can't name them. If you can't name them, they're scary. I also do some 'emotion' coaching when we're reading books. He's not great at getting emotional inferences in the books we read, so I'll stop sometimes and say "do you know why he said/did that?" and walk him through the logic. The final thing that helps is to give him alternate ways to express his emotions -- non-verbal ways really help. I know kids who won't do talk therapy but do really well with art therapy, for example. I've been lucky in that ds has always worked through his 'issues' in play. I can tell by his play what he's working on. (Playful Parenting is a great book on how to do this.)

So after all this, I guess my bottom line is: He may not be great at saying it, ever. Watch what he does.

[abeliamama]

Thanks for the replies. They help. For some reason I got notification of the first one but not the rest.

He isn't much of a hugger or kisser, either, in fact, not at all, anymore. But he does sit against me and put his feet all over me. And tackle and hold me down so I can't get up.

It's not really just the words "I love you" that I long to hear, but I guess some words of what he thinks. He's silent about everything except the game he is playing or his current obsession. But he will talk about that stuff to anyone who will listen. He does have a wicked sense of humor, so I can engage him through humor. I wonder what he thinks. About everything.

Lynn, I skimmed that book at someone's house. I would like to read it through. DS is pretty good about going to get something for me, now that I think about it. Maybe he is an acts of service person. And he does like to be in the room with me, even if we are doing separate things. Would that be a time thing? My DD is also words and touch, that I know.

Thanks again guys. I will looking for these other ways he shows love and more open to appreciating my son for who he is.

mama to DD 4-00 and DS 4-03