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Unequally Yoked Christian Parents Thread

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 

Anyone interested in joining me?

 

The metaphor of being yoked together in marriage is that two animals are yoked together so they will combine their strength for the same goals and it will be greater and have more progress and effectiveness, whereas two yoked together each trying to go in a different direction will cause them to waste their strength and go no where.  It is very difficult to go through life partenered with someone who is going in a different direction as you.

 

This thread is for us to encourage one another and to give insight and support.

 

 

post #2 of 13

I am in. I'm a born again Christian and DH *believes* in God but that's as far as he has taken it so far. We are a young couple with a 19 m/o DD. I am hoping and praying he will take my lead to Salvation b/c it feels so wonderful and joyous to be saved! joy.gif Also I want my children to love God and know He is there for them and for them to actively seek Him.

post #3 of 13
Thread Starter 

I am interested in sharing with other mamas or papas in the same situation. I have found it very difficult to go through life unequally yoked because I am such a passionate person and like to through a lot of energy into the things I love and believe in. When my energies are conflicted with within my home and my efforts are a lot of the times curbed by a dh who doesn't see things the same way I have a hard time being silent about it. You know?

 

I know that it is not right for me to be vocal about being upset, misinterpreted and curbed. Of course it is not sin for me to feel that way, it is sin for me to judge the situation according to my own perceptions and start being self righteous and thinking I am right and then acting that way with my words. That never promotes peace in my home.... and never ever gets anything accomplished.

 

So I was reading this morning in 1 Peter and in chapter 2:18-20 talks about slaves being submissive to their lords, not only to the gentle and good but to the cruel. Then in 3:1 it says wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands. I know that there are a lot of places in the Bible that talk about the way husbands should treat their wives, and sometimes I get caught up on "well, if he's not treating me right THEN...." but I need to keep my mind on love not being a conditional or deserved thing, and just doing it because that is what we are called to.

 

Anyway, 3:1-4 say

 

"Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the message, they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live, when they observe your pure and reverent lives. Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes; instead, it should consist of the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God's eyes."

 

This is going to be where I need to focus for a while. I feel lately like I am looking at my husband through eyes that say "you shouldn't spend your time doing that", "that's not a good example for the kids", "I deserve to be treated like this", "if you loved me you would see that I need.....".

Which may all be true, but if my focus is there I am going to start acting like a spoiled brat who thinks it's all about me.

 

If anyone can suggest other passages that talk about obtaining from God a pure and gentle spirit, that would be great. I am going to pray that the Lord will grant that to me, and tape scriptures to my walls about controlling the tongue. Or scripture about bringing things to God instead of vocalizing... because while husbands may not be cruel, the feelings that come from being treated certain ways are cruel. I don't want to be someone operating based on feelings but that is a hard thing. Any advice would be taken well too :)

 

 

post #4 of 13
Thread Starter 



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

I am in. I'm a born again Christian and DH *believes* in God but that's as far as he has taken it so far. We are a young couple with a 19 m/o DD. I am hoping and praying he will take my lead to Salvation b/c it feels so wonderful and joyous to be saved! joy.gif Also I want my children to love God and know He is there for them and for them to actively seek Him.



Good morning!  I am a similar situation. My dh goes to church with me, says he believes in God and that he has given his life to Him, and doesn't plug his eyes when I talk about God, lol. But he lives like nothing has happened. He spends his time doing things that are wasteful of who he was created to be, and wasteful of God's mercy and grace. I can see how great things would be for him if he surrendered, you know? But he is still caught up in it all.

 

I think part of the problem for my dh is that he never came to a real realization of who he is without Christ. Where I felt the bondage and death of it all, I think he really enjoyed living that way and still doesn't see anything wrong with it.

 

Do you have any further insight into what is your dh's specific hang up? Not like we are the ones who will figure it out. I am just always curious to ponder those things, and think maybe it helps me pray more effectively.

 

It does feel amazing to be saved and freed!  It's weird to know God and His goodness and see so many resist Him. Has your dd noticed a change in you since you came to know God? My kids did, it was beautiful to watch :)

 

post #5 of 13

I'll join you, too.  My husband also believes in God, but he's not on the same page as far as who God is.  We can have great conversations as long as we're talking about God in terms of 'what' instead of 'who', if that makes sense.  I understand where he's coming from, though, because I had such a hard time with Christianity for so many years (as in, I absolutely detested the religion), and it took a complete change of heart to even open myself up to the possibility that there might be some good and truth in it.  Then gradually it started to make sense, and then all of a sudden it made perfect sense and all of the bits and pieces of understanding I had before came together in the Person of Jesus Christ.  (And of course now I realize how much more there is to learn!)  I'd love to be able to share this with dh, but for now I can only pray and have faith and patience.  His heart has softened a lot in regards to the children going to church with me and being raised as Christians (and not because I pushed him - he came to this on his own), so that is something I am very grateful for....but I admit that I do long for him to join us. 

 

I'll be back later - got to take my oldest to school now.

 

 

post #6 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by les_oiseau View Post

I am interested in sharing with other mamas or papas in the same situation. I have found it very difficult to go through life unequally yoked because I am such a passionate person and like to through a lot of energy into the things I love and believe in. When my energies are conflicted with within my home and my efforts are a lot of the times curbed by a dh who doesn't see things the same way I have a hard time being silent about it. You know?

 

I know that it is not right for me to be vocal about being upset, misinterpreted and curbed. Of course it is not sin for me to feel that way, it is sin for me to judge the situation according to my own perceptions and start being self righteous and thinking I am right and then acting that way with my words. That never promotes peace in my home.... and never ever gets anything accomplished.

 

So I was reading this morning in 1 Peter and in chapter 2:18-20 talks about slaves being submissive to their lords, not only to the gentle and good but to the cruel. Then in 3:1 it says wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands. I know that there are a lot of places in the Bible that talk about the way husbands should treat their wives, and sometimes I get caught up on "well, if he's not treating me right THEN...." but I need to keep my mind on love not being a conditional or deserved thing, and just doing it because that is what we are called to.

 

Anyway, 3:1-4 say

 

"Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the message, they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live, when they observe your pure and reverent lives. Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes; instead, it should consist of the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God's eyes."

 

This is going to be where I need to focus for a while. I feel lately like I am looking at my husband through eyes that say "you shouldn't spend your time doing that", "that's not a good example for the kids", "I deserve to be treated like this", "if you loved me you would see that I need.....".

Which may all be true, but if my focus is there I am going to start acting like a spoiled brat who thinks it's all about me.

 

If anyone can suggest other passages that talk about obtaining from God a pure and gentle spirit, that would be great. I am going to pray that the Lord will grant that to me, and tape scriptures to my walls about controlling the tongue. Or scripture about bringing things to God instead of vocalizing... because while husbands may not be cruel, the feelings that come from being treated certain ways are cruel. I don't want to be someone operating based on feelings but that is a hard thing. Any advice would be taken well too :)

 

 



I talked to my priest about this a few times because my husband has gone back and forth a lot regarding how he feels about me becoming a Christian.  We went through a very rough period about a year ago when he said some very hurtful things to me, and I doubt that I will ever forget what he said.  Even now that he seems to be very open and accepting of raising our children in the faith, I still get some mixed signals from him and wonder if he'll change his mind again. 

 

Anyway, what my priest told me was basically this:  The believing spouse is in a great position to help the unbelieving spouse, but we're also in a position where we can drive our spouses away from the faith if we don't handle things well.  He told me that the very best thing to do is simply to live the faith and pray...a lot.  You know this already, and I know exactly how you feel - it is hard to not speak up when you feel like something is wrong, but sometimes the worst thing we can do is say something about it.  I've had to remind myself to not say anything so many times, but it is truly amazing the changes that have occurred in my family from my conscious effort to keep my mouth shut and not make things worse.  And it's not just his attitude about the faith that has changed, but all sorts of other things.  I'm just saying this as encouragement that the effort is worth it. 

 

What helps me the most is saying the Jesus prayer (Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me) whenever I feel upset with dh.  Sometimes it takes a long time of consciously trying to let go and forgive while my ego is hurt from whatever he said or did that offended me, but putting in the effort to ask Jesus for mercy while struggling to not engage with my thoughts about what happened...well, it always ends up working in the long run, even if it seems hopeless at the time.  There's plenty of times when I say things I shouldn't before I get control over my tongue, too, and I always regret those times, whereas I never regret not saying anything to him and praying instead. 

 

I'm not sure how helpful this is to you, but I just wanted to commiserate. 

post #7 of 13

That sounds like very wise advise. PS.  It is also important to keep your thoughts in check.  I resentful, superior, judgmental attitude in our hearts will scream without any words behind them.  It is hard to hide those things in a relationship.  Its important to actually love your husband and not worry about his future but instead pray that his heart will be illumined in God's perfect timing.  I know even when I kept my mouth shut my husband knew how much I disapproved of him and everything he did and thought. (cut  me some slack he was sleeping with another woman and addicted to porn.  you could have cut the tension with a knife).  My point is that simply keeping my lips quiet was not enough.  I had to actually BE quiet and keep inner stillness.  The first fruit of Christ is love.  We cannot love while we are being critical, judgmental know it alls.  If we are to win them without a word it must be love they hear in the silence (love is not acceptance of sin and heresy but it is also not harsh either.)  The best thing we can do is just pray.  I have a friend who decided one day to stop talking and just start praying.  Her husband was hostile to her new faith.  And it had been going on for a long while.  I forget how long she went but it seems like it was within a week or two (and I mean continuous prayer) but he all of a sudden decided he was interested and she quietly answered questions and kept praying and within a few months they were all baptized and joined the church together.  Glory to God!!  It is truly a testament to the power of prayer in bringing our loved ones to Christ without a word.

 

I am no longer yoked to an unbelieving husband through marriage...however we are still raising children together.  Its a different kind of yoke to be sure,  but still a yoke.


Edited by lilyka - 5/7/11 at 4:45pm
post #8 of 13

Wonderful advice, Lilyka.  Thank you smile.gif 

post #9 of 13
Thread Starter 

Thank you Purple Sage and lilyka for those posts. I know I struggle with both keeping my mouth shut and keeping my attitude in check. I had to really work at both a year and a half ago and had amazing results when submitting, but really I guess thought we were passed that stage and forgot how to submit it all. I think I need to fast.

post #10 of 13

I don't think that is ever something we get past.  Its just something we have to continuously work on  and continuously repent and keep trying.

 

post #11 of 13

Hi

I have been married to my husband for nearly 18 years and we have 5 children whom we homeschool.

 

I became a Christian 20 years ago while quietly sitting at my husbands (then boyfriends) dining table reading a pamphlet left lying around by his mother who was a very devout Christian. In fact both my husbands parents are devout Christians to the point that my father in law was a pastor for a while. My husband was raised in a very conservative small church where he and his 2 brothers were the only children and where church was a very dull affair. He was not really permitted to mix with non-christians other than his next door neighbours. To him church has always been something you endure and if he had his way, he would rather not attend at all. However because it is important to me and our older children he has agreed that we will attend fortnightly and that our 2 teenage sons who have given their hearts to Jesus may attend weekly if they wish.

 

My husband says he believes in God the creator

He says he asked Jesus into his heart and to be his Saviour

He shares most of the values and morals set out in the Bible (to a point)

 

But he does not seem to have a personal relationship with God himself.

 

He has been let down many times over the years by Christians whom were held in high regard and as such has drifted further and further away. He has no Christian friends as he just doesn't seem to have anything in common with most of the softer or more intellectual Christian men he has met. He feels unaccepted by Christians as if he isn't good enough for them.

 

When we married I truly believed we were on the same page but over the years I have drawn closer and closer to God and have built my life around my desire to live for Him and to raise my children to love Him too. My husband has supported me and loved me the whole time but has never pursued or deepened his own personal relationship with the Lord, feeling like there is nothing there and that he can't 'feel' anything.

 

As a child my husband had to participate in family Bible studies, prayers and listen to sermons from his father who was a lot more autocratic and authorotive back then. Sadly we have never read the Bible together as a couple or prayer together and it is left up to me to lead devotionals and to pray with the family. Although my husband is there while we do this he doesn't seem to ever actively take part.

 

Personally I think he sees other Christian men as being holier or more spiritual than him and feels that he just doesn't measure up so he has given up trying because since he was a child Christians have been telling him who he should be, how he should act, what he should do and what he should feel. I wonder if he feels it is unattainable or if he just isn't willing to give himself fully over to God yet. We no longer discuss it and instead just live our lives and try to compromise and make things work. We love each other deeply but just don't have the same depth of faith which does make it hard at times. Sometimes I think he resents or is jealous of God's place in my life but he has never actually said so.

 

When the children were little it didn't seem to matter so much and we even spent 8 years not going to church at all but as they've gotten older it has become more apparent that their Dad doesn't have that same fire or Passion for God that some of their friends dads do. Lately my 4 year old son has started to show the same sort of resentment towards God that my husband has for the time, attention and devotion He gets from me.

 

I'd love to hear how others make it work.
 

post #12 of 13

I wouldn't be so quick to measure your husband against others or to put thoughts in his head.  Let him be who he is with God.  He sounds like a good man who is taking care of his family.  Who is following Christ as much as he can right now.  He has no objection to what your family is doing.  If it is a personal relationship you are worried about let it be personal, between him and Christ.    Men are different creature than women and express their faith and love and relationships differently than women do.  Being a good husband and father.  Being a good provider.  Those are holy acts of worship.  Those are a type of prayer.  Keep praying for him an for your whole family to continue to grow in love and devotion to Christ and that Christ would continue to reveal Himself. 

post #13 of 13

Hi Everyone,

 

I haven't been to MDC in a long time...and look what I find when I return!  :)

 

Thanks for starting this thread.  I'm up now, while the kids are sleeping, searching online for what to do in my unequally yoked marriage.

 

Things are pretty bad right now...I have been a Christian for about 5 years and my husband is atheist.  When we married, we were both atheist, and I'm sure my conversion has really surprised my husband.

 

I am almost 37 and I want to have another baby.  My marriage is so divided right now that I don't think it is a good idea to have a baby at this time.  I really need to work on my marriage, for the sake of the three blessings I already have.  My heart it completely broken, though, and I am so hurt.  Having another baby in the future is not an option, I simply think that it will be too hard on my physically if I wait any longer. 

 

I'm trying to make peace with all of this, but I cannot stop crying.  I have told my husband that I'm going through a rough time right now and I have asked him to give me a little space.  I am trying to be submissive to him and respectful (watching my tongue!) but my heart is so broken.  I want to have my spouse comfort me, but he doesn't.  I feel like this choice is causing a greater divide between us.

 

I need to pray and trust God in this situation.  Perhaps we will get to a good place and we can adopt in the future.  My kids keep asking for a little sister.  My daughter has even given her a name. 

 

God, this place You have put me in really hurts.  Will you please give me some assurance that this is Your divine plan?

 

Please keep us in your prayers. 

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