Unequally Yoked Christian Parents Thread

[les_oiseau]

Anyone interested in joining me?

The metaphor of being yoked together in marriage is that two animals are yoked together so they will combine their strength for the same goals and it will be greater and have more progress and effectiveness, whereas two yoked together each trying to go in a different direction will cause them to waste their strength and go no where.  It is very difficult to go through life partenered with someone who is going in a different direction as you.

This thread is for us to encourage one another and to give insight and support.

[sosurreal09]

I am in. I'm a born again Christian and DH *believes* in God but that's as far as he has taken it so far. We are a young couple with a 19 m/o DD. I am hoping and praying he will take my lead to Salvation b/c it feels so wonderful and joyous to be saved! Also I want my children to love God and know He is there for them and for them to actively seek Him.

[les_oiseau]

I am interested in sharing with other mamas or papas in the same situation. I have found it very difficult to go through life unequally yoked because I am such a passionate person and like to through a lot of energy into the things I love and believe in. When my energies are conflicted with within my home and my efforts are a lot of the times curbed by a dh who doesn't see things the same way I have a hard time being silent about it. You know?

I know that it is not right for me to be vocal about being upset, misinterpreted and curbed. Of course it is not sin for me to feel that way, it is sin for me to judge the situation according to my own perceptions and start being self righteous and thinking I am right and then acting that way with my words. That never promotes peace in my home.... and never ever gets anything accomplished.

So I was reading this morning in 1 Peter and in chapter 2:18-20 talks about slaves being submissive to their lords, not only to the gentle and good but to the cruel. Then in 3:1 it says wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands. I know that there are a lot of places in the Bible that talk about the way husbands should treat their wives, and sometimes I get caught up on "well, if he's not treating me right THEN...." but I need to keep my mind on love not being a conditional or deserved thing, and just doing it because that is what we are called to.

Anyway, 3:1-4 say

"Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the message, they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live, when they observe your pure and reverent lives. Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes; instead, it should consist of the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God's eyes."

This is going to be where I need to focus for a while. I feel lately like I am looking at my husband through eyes that say "you shouldn't spend your time doing that", "that's not a good example for the kids", "I deserve to be treated like this", "if you loved me you would see that I need.....".

Which may all be true, but if my focus is there I am going to start acting like a spoiled brat who thinks it's all about me.

If anyone can suggest other passages that talk about obtaining from God a pure and gentle spirit, that would be great. I am going to pray that the Lord will grant that to me, and tape scriptures to my walls about controlling the tongue. Or scripture about bringing things to God instead of vocalizing... because while husbands may not be cruel, the feelings that come from being treated certain ways are cruel. I don't want to be someone operating based on feelings but that is a hard thing. Any advice would be taken well too :)

[les_oiseau]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

I am in. I'm a born again Christian and DH *believes* in God but that's as far as he has taken it so far. We are a young couple with a 19 m/o DD. I am hoping and praying he will take my lead to Salvation b/c it feels so wonderful and joyous to be saved! Also I want my children to love God and know He is there for them and for them to actively seek Him.

Good morning!  I am a similar situation. My dh goes to church with me, says he believes in God and that he has given his life to Him, and doesn't plug his eyes when I talk about God, lol. But he lives like nothing has happened. He spends his time doing things that are wasteful of who he was created to be, and wasteful of God's mercy and grace. I can see how great things would be for him if he surrendered, you know? But he is still caught up in it all.

I think part of the problem for my dh is that he never came to a real realization of who he is without Christ. Where I felt the bondage and death of it all, I think he really enjoyed living that way and still doesn't see anything wrong with it.

Do you have any further insight into what is your dh's specific hang up? Not like we are the ones who will figure it out. I am just always curious to ponder those things, and think maybe it helps me pray more effectively.

It does feel amazing to be saved and freed!  It's weird to know God and His goodness and see so many resist Him. Has your dd noticed a change in you since you came to know God? My kids did, it was beautiful to watch :)

[Purple Sage]

I'll join you, too.  My husband also believes in God, but he's not on the same page as far as who God is.  We can have great conversations as long as we're talking about God in terms of 'what' instead of 'who', if that makes sense.  I understand where he's coming from, though, because I had such a hard time with Christianity for so many years (as in, I absolutely detested the religion), and it took a complete change of heart to even open myself up to the possibility that there might be some good and truth in it.  Then gradually it started to make sense, and then all of a sudden it made perfect sense and all of the bits and pieces of understanding I had before came together in the Person of Jesus Christ.  (And of course now I realize how much more there is to learn!)  I'd love to be able to share this with dh, but for now I can only pray and have faith and patience.  His heart has softened a lot in regards to the children going to church with me and being raised as Christians (and not because I pushed him - he came to this on his own), so that is something I am very grateful for....but I admit that I do long for him to join us. 

I'll be back later - got to take my oldest to school now.

[Purple Sage]

Originally Posted by les_oiseau 

I am interested in sharing with other mamas or papas in the same situation. I have found it very difficult to go through life unequally yoked because I am such a passionate person and like to through a lot of energy into the things I love and believe in. When my energies are conflicted with within my home and my efforts are a lot of the times curbed by a dh who doesn't see things the same way I have a hard time being silent about it. You know?

I know that it is not right for me to be vocal about being upset, misinterpreted and curbed. Of course it is not sin for me to feel that way, it is sin for me to judge the situation according to my own perceptions and start being self righteous and thinking I am right and then acting that way with my words. That never promotes peace in my home.... and never ever gets anything accomplished.

So I was reading this morning in 1 Peter and in chapter 2:18-20 talks about slaves being submissive to their lords, not only to the gentle and good but to the cruel. Then in 3:1 it says wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands. I know that there are a lot of places in the Bible that talk about the way husbands should treat their wives, and sometimes I get caught up on "well, if he's not treating me right THEN...." but I need to keep my mind on love not being a conditional or deserved thing, and just doing it because that is what we are called to.

Anyway, 3:1-4 say

"Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the message, they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live, when they observe your pure and reverent lives. Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes; instead, it should consist of the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God's eyes."

This is going to be where I need to focus for a while. I feel lately like I am looking at my husband through eyes that say "you shouldn't spend your time doing that", "that's not a good example for the kids", "I deserve to be treated like this", "if you loved me you would see that I need.....".

Which may all be true, but if my focus is there I am going to start acting like a spoiled brat who thinks it's all about me.

If anyone can suggest other passages that talk about obtaining from God a pure and gentle spirit, that would be great. I am going to pray that the Lord will grant that to me, and tape scriptures to my walls about controlling the tongue. Or scripture about bringing things to God instead of vocalizing... because while husbands may not be cruel, the feelings that come from being treated certain ways are cruel. I don't want to be someone operating based on feelings but that is a hard thing. Any advice would be taken well too :)

I talked to my priest about this a few times because my husband has gone back and forth a lot regarding how he feels about me becoming a Christian.  We went through a very rough period about a year ago when he said some very hurtful things to me, and I doubt that I will ever forget what he said.  Even now that he seems to be very open and accepting of raising our children in the faith, I still get some mixed signals from him and wonder if he'll change his mind again. 

Anyway, what my priest told me was basically this:  The believing spouse is in a great position to help the unbelieving spouse, but we're also in a position where we can drive our spouses away from the faith if we don't handle things well.  He told me that the very best thing to do is simply to live the faith and pray...a lot.  You know this already, and I know exactly how you feel - it is hard to not speak up when you feel like something is wrong, but sometimes the worst thing we can do is say something about it.  I've had to remind myself to not say anything so many times, but it is truly amazing the changes that have occurred in my family from my conscious effort to keep my mouth shut and not make things worse.  And it's not just his attitude about the faith that has changed, but all sorts of other things.  I'm just saying this as encouragement that the effort is worth it. 

What helps me the most is saying the Jesus prayer (Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me) whenever I feel upset with dh.  Sometimes it takes a long time of consciously trying to let go and forgive while my ego is hurt from whatever he said or did that offended me, but putting in the effort to ask Jesus for mercy while struggling to not engage with my thoughts about what happened...well, it always ends up working in the long run, even if it seems hopeless at the time.  There's plenty of times when I say things I shouldn't before I get control over my tongue, too, and I always regret those times, whereas I never regret not saying anything to him and praying instead. 

I'm not sure how helpful this is to you, but I just wanted to commiserate. 

[lilyka]

That sounds like very wise advise. PS.  It is also important to keep your thoughts in check.  I resentful, superior, judgmental attitude in our hearts will scream without any words behind them.  It is hard to hide those things in a relationship.  Its important to actually love your husband and not worry about his future but instead pray that his heart will be illumined in God's perfect timing.  I know even when I kept my mouth shut my husband knew how much I disapproved of him and everything he did and thought. (cut  me some slack he was sleeping with another woman and addicted to porn.  you could have cut the tension with a knife).  My point is that simply keeping my lips quiet was not enough.  I had to actually BE quiet and keep inner stillness.  The first fruit of Christ is love.  We cannot love while we are being critical, judgmental know it alls.  If we are to win them without a word it must be love they hear in the silence (love is not acceptance of sin and heresy but it is also not harsh either.)  The best thing we can do is just pray.  I have a friend who decided one day to stop talking and just start praying.  Her husband was hostile to her new faith.  And it had been going on for a long while.  I forget how long she went but it seems like it was within a week or two (and I mean continuous prayer) but he all of a sudden decided he was interested and she quietly answered questions and kept praying and within a few months they were all baptized and joined the church together.  Glory to God!!  It is truly a testament to the power of prayer in bringing our loved ones to Christ without a word.

I am no longer yoked to an unbelieving husband through marriage...however we are still raising children together.  Its a different kind of yoke to be sure,  but still a yoke.

Edited by lilyka - 5/7/11 at 4:45pm

[Purple Sage]

Wonderful advice, Lilyka.  Thank you  

[les_oiseau]

Thank you Purple Sage and lilyka for those posts. I know I struggle with both keeping my mouth shut and keeping my attitude in check. I had to really work at both a year and a half ago and had amazing results when submitting, but really I guess thought we were passed that stage and forgot how to submit it all. I think I need to fast.

[lilyka]

I don't think that is ever something we get past.  Its just something we have to continuously work on  and continuously repent and keep trying.