First playdate - how to make it NOT a lunch date?

[laohaire]

DD has made a friend recently, and tentative plans were made to get together for a playdate this weekend. I don't know the parents, this is a new relationship. We settled on a day and the mom suggested noon, and said she'd get takeout.

We simply do not have the money to buy takeout food. I mean, sure, we could cough up the cash, but it would hurt. Furthermore, I don't want to set a precedent where playdates are about spending money. The playdates we do with other kids involve going to their home or park at a non-meal time, and the kids playing. We or other families have been known to bring a snack, but only for their own kids.

Of course the mom didn't say anything about us chipping in for it, but some sort of reciprocation (either paying for half now, or some other time treating them to takeout) is just basic manners. And like I said, I really don't want to get into this whole mess where we're always having to buy food one way or another. I assume the parents must be rich and probably didn't even give a second thought to the expense and what it could mean for a family.

I can't think of any options that are reasonable - help!

1) I could just outright say we're in a financial crunch and can't afford to do lunch, but they'll think we're strange (since they didn't demand payment) plus of course offer to cover it. But offering to cover it won't settle the issue for me, since we will be mooches and owe them.

2) I could say we have some dietary restrictions (and it's true, I personally cannot eat what they are planning, not that I would have any expectations about that) but they will just offer to adjust and probably put us more in their debt.

3) I could say we're "busy" for lunch, and ask if after lunch is ok. That might be ok though probably come off a little odd.

4) I could offer to bring something, but I worry that again we'll always be having to come up with food one way or another, when all I want to do is get together!

I've mentioned in another thread that I owe two families meals already, and it's stressing me out (financially), and the last thing I want to do right now is to owe yet another meal.

What is the right thing to do in this case???

[cristeen]

Id just say that noon doesnt work for your schedule, how about 2:00 instead? (or whatever time works for you)

[D_McG]

I would just say you'll pack a lunch because you guys are picky or whatever. But I don't really understand the whole 'setting a precedent where you eat' thing. I think it sounds like a nice plan? I've met people for lunch, not for lunch. Do people really keep track of that? I can understand keeping track of the cost but beyond that I guess I don't really get it.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by cristeen 

Id just say that noon doesnt work for your schedule, how about 2:00 instead? (or whatever time works for you)

That sounds good, but would she assume that this negated the lunch? Or would she just assume that we lunch late?

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

I would just say you'll pack a lunch because you guys are picky or whatever. But I don't really understand the whole 'setting a precedent where you eat' thing. I think it sounds like a nice plan? I've met people for lunch, not for lunch. Do people really keep track of that? I can understand keeping track of the cost but beyond that I guess I don't really get it.

I just mean that people tend to fall into habits, and this is a new relationship. Obviously there is no guarantee, but it seems likely that it would be a habitual thing that we get together for lunch, right? We have habits with our other friends surrounding our get-togethers - time, place, activities.

She can buy lunch this time, then I'll have to feed them a lunch, so it seems reasonable that after that she will probably suggest... lunch, right?

[limabean]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

That sounds good, but would she assume that this negated the lunch? Or would she just assume that we lunch late?

I would word it so that it's clear that you'll already have eaten. Maybe something like, "We actually have lunch plans that day -- how about 2:00?" 

[mommariffic]

I wouldn't worry about future playdates  - sometimes my friends and I go out to eat, sometimes we picnic, sometimes we don't eat at all. 

I would say listen I'm on a budget can we do a potluck (make sandwiches or something cheap..) otherwise just say can we do later in the day. I would assume (from my own experience) that if someone says they will get takeout you wouldn't have to pay though? Sometimes I order in because I don't WANT to make lunch, and I wouldn't expect anyone to chip in. 

[Daffodil]

I really doubt she will feel you owe her a lunch just because she provided lunch once.  I remember seeing the other thread where you mentioned owing people meals.  Didn't a lot of other posters on that thread say they didn't agree with the idea that every meal someone gives you has to be reciprocated?  Especially if her family is financially well off, I just can't imagine her keeping track of the fact that she gave you a meal once and you still haven't given her one.  I would just go to her house and eat what she provides without guilt.  And then if you don't want to get into a pattern of always having lunch playdates, invite her to your house next time at a non-meal time, don't serve lunch, and don't feel guilty.

[crunchy_mommy]

LOL I'm sorry I don't mean to laugh but I think you are getting WAYYY too worried about the reciprocating thing. Obviously we didn't quite get through to you in the other thread

I think you could just say you have plans for lunch, let's get together at 2pm, I don't think that will sound weird at all.

I do get generally stressed out by this kind of thing too though. All of my friends routinely bring food to share with each other and I don't feel like the food we generally eat is "good enough" to share -- i.e. it's usually something I made for dinner the night before and put too much of a certain spice or something, whereas my friends have lots and lots of fresh fruit and crisp veggies and crackers and stuff. We buy our produce at a discount grocer and I would be embarrassed to bring that to share. I have to bring food tomorrow to share but only just realized it and we don't have anything suitable and no time to get to the store and it's really stressing me out!!

Sorry, I guess that's only sort of relevant... but don't overthink it... I overthink everything and no one else seems to think these things are as big a deal as I do!

[Tjej]

Try to line up for just after lunch.  Say 1:30 or 2:00 - you could also prefer to have the kids use their time playing instead of eating, if that aspect is true/works for you. 

I think I'd say something like, "Sorry.  It turns out that over lunch isn't going to work for us.  How about 1:30-3:00?  The kids will get to play the whole time that way anyway, so bonus for them!" 

Tjej

[mamalisa]

I really wouldn't worry about the score keeping.  Sometimes I buy lunch, sometimes my friends do, it's never crossed my mind to keep track of who owes who.  Seriously.  So much of our culture is based around food.  Meeting for meals, shopping for food, reading about food....it's totally normal that people "meet for lunch" with out a big expectation for it.  My girlfriend invited me to lunch and made a turkey sandwich for me.  Totally cool. 

I'd just make the play date after lunch time if you're worried about it.  

[new2this]

I get the worry. The only time I do the I do lunch you do lunch dance with people is if we are close. I sometimes want to eat out or something and if I know they can't really afford it I buy. I never expect it to be paid back. I wouldn't put to much emphasis on it really. 

I would say something like lunch hour don't work out for us and how about a later time. 

[SilverFish]

honestly, not a big deal at all. i understand your concern, but each family has to take responsibility for their own financial planning. they would not be inviting you over for lunch if they couldn't afford it, and they wouldn't be offering if they needed you to reciprocate. i certainly don't invite people over for dinner if i can't afford to feed them, nor do i expect payment in kind.

among our friends, we try to treat each other once in a while, but we each treat in a way that makes us comfortable. my friend and i are on a tight budget, so we both tend to stick to cheaper stuff like bringing muffins, or making a little lunch spread with hummus and crackers and veggies. our other friend is a bit better off, so when she hosts at her house, the lunch is a bit more extravagant. she loves hosting us, we love the treat, and we all feel comfortable with the give and take. it takes a few months to get comfortable with this pattern, but we'd hate to think that someone stopped coming over or felt obligated to pay us back because they couldn't afford it. and the habits we've formed are habits that really work for us. we all used to meet at a cafe, but that stopped because it wasn't working for a few of us budget-wise.

go to lunch, and if you enjoy yourselves and think this is a relationship that will be worth keeping, take the initiative next time to have a playdate at the park, or reciprocate at your house with a batch of muffins and a pot of tea... whatever works with your budget.

[amma_mama]

I agree with the other posters. If it is too late to back out of the timing, just go and enjoy and try not to get hung up on "owing" anybody anything - just arrange things differently next time. If you can still change the time, just say that you already have plans for lunch (you do, you want to have your own food at home) and suggest a later time.

[laohaire]

Thanks guys. I'm mulling it over and will make a decision within an hour, I'm sure.

I know it seems non-stressful to everybody else, but I hate being in anyone's debt, particularly when the debt would be painful to settle. We are falling behind financially and I have no lifeline for it, nothing I can say "well if we can hold out for my bonus this year we'll be ok" or "I'm sure we'll get a raise" because neither is going to happen. I have a little less than one paycheck worth of savings, I can't add to it anymore, and I think within a few months I am going to have to start draining it.

Therefore something that I guess must be small to most people, like lunch, is pretty big for me. I can't tell you the last time we had takeout - 2 years ago? We've been to restaurants but only because of parents visiting (and I have a whole other stressor there - my mother insists on going out all the time and even if she pays for 6 meals it makes sense for us to pay for just 1, but it puts a huge strain on us).

I'm sure most people don't keep track, but that happens when things are roughly even, right? You'd notice pretty quick if you were treating lunch (or even a cracker) to a friend who NEVER reciprocated. And I don't want to be that friend, and it stresses me to be put in that position.

I also know (just from reading MDC) that people have a lot of expectations, and they are different, so you can't assume that because YOU don't expect XYZ doesn't mean a million other people don't.

I will either suggest we move the time (something vague about noon not working for us, how 'bout after lunch?) or will just suck it up and deal.

[crunchy_mommy]

No, I do get it, I do stress about these things too (which is why I'm laughing about it ) I don't blame you because it's not like you'll EVER be able to 'reciprocate' (at least not in the near future) and even something like muffins might be a hardship, since you are grain-free and all, I get it, I really do... I'm always turning down invitations for things that would put me in debt (financially or just unable to reciprocate)... but since this is a new relationship you have the opportunity to shape it a bit... GL!

[MamaMunchkin]

I know what you mean about not getting into some habit or other with a new playdate/relationship - I completely understand not wanting to set a precedence.

If you can change the time before/after lunch - that'd be best.  If not, bring your own lunch and perhaps suggest eating outside somewhere if the weather is nice -  so like a picnic (them with their takeout, you with your own lunch). 

[insidevoice]

I would be hurt if someone offered something like that expecting reciprocity.  Maybe because if I offer something like that- it doesn't cross my mind to make it about  the back and forth.  Also, I've been the very very err- frugal- friend, and I've been the friend with the financial ability to do something like that.  Now that I can afford some little extras, I don't really give any thought to whether I will be paid back for things like that. Even if it were one sided, if it bothered me, it would be my problem to not take on that challenge. I try not to keep score in individual relationships, but I do recognize that I had support from friends when things were hard, and in life I try to pay it forward- so to speak. 

When things were tight financially, I remember feeling much the same way you do, but I had more than one person tell me that they would rather just get together and enjoy the time than worry  about it.  If they treated to lunch, I might have them over sometime and offer something easy and cheap- spaghetti?  Chili?  Dessert and coffee?  If I was worried about it- that would be how I could make things feel more even without taking on expenses I couldn't afford. 

Mostly, just get together and let the kids have fun- try not to stress too much about it.  If it makes you uncomfortable, you can always be open and honest about that and say xyz isn't in our budget, can we do abc instead?  Then leave it up to the friend to decide- if they still want to go ahead as is, you know they aren't expecting anything in return. 

[HappyMommy2]

I have to say that our playdates always include snack time.  BUT - I wouldn't be purchasing take-out for them!  If the hosting Mom wants to do take-out, that is fine.  When you reciprocate, it can be simple and cheap.

When neighbor kids visit, we usually have water from the Brita pitcher and whatever "snacky" things I have on hand. (I save the juice boxes for school lunch, not for playtime) 

I make a plate (to share) of 3 or 4 of these things: crackers, grapes, cheese slices, cereal, sesame sticks, apple slices, pretzels, carrot sticks, etc.  Definitely no more than $2-3 worth. 

When I go on playdates, I usually pack sippy cups of juice/water for my kids and then a box of goldfish to share.  (I get them on sale for $1-$1.50)

Good luck navigating this issue!

[laohaire]

It's done - I offered to bring a salad. I figured for a couple bucks worth of spinach plus things already in my house I could make a gesture. Not to mention I can ensure there are no croutons in it so i can eat too :) If it seems like there is a relationship there, next time (when I host) I'll offer some snacky things for everyone that we always usually have anyway (veggies, fruit, cheese and flax crackers, that sort of thing), but not a full-on lunch. I feel comfortable with offering snacks, and at least that way even if we're not "even" at least I'm reciprocating on some level. 

Seriously, I appreciate the advice. I think the reason I am so anxious about expectations is that i am truly not familiar with them. Growing up with a severe hearing loss is kind of an obstacle to learning a lot of social cues. And as an adult, with my hearing and vision loss, I miss all kinds of cues. So I'm constantly trying to anticipate and plan ahead because I am likely to miss subtle input such as a look or a tone or a forced smile - not to mention not-so-subtle input like people just plain speaking to me or offering their hand to shake or a million other embarrassing things. Which is probably why I spend so much damn time on MDC because I don't have to worry about those. I read the text and I get as much out of it as anyone else.