Would you ever give him another chance?

[youremyheartkid]

Ex has made a lot of good changes in his life, it seems. He is always saying he is hoping at some point we can get back together. Is a narcissistic, emotionally abusive person capable of a real change? Ha. I did/may always love him especially for giving me such a beautiful gift in my daughter, but can I forgive what has happened in the past if he were capable of change?

Anyone ever go back? I'm mostly just curious. 

[enjoythesilence]

The short answer-NO. I broke up and got back together with an abusive narcissist more times than I care to even remember.  There were always promises to change, and even some good behavior for a short period of time, then he went right back to his true nature.  It only got worse as time went by, and more and more dangerous. 

  I do not believe that there is much (if any) chance that abusive narcissists are capable of change. 

[bananabee]

Forgiving and reconciling are two VERY different things. No, I do not believe it is worth trying again with someone who has proven himself to be truly narcissistic. A relationship cannot be built on narcissism.

I have moved on and let go of the past...the horrible things my ex did and said to me. Still, that doesn't mean I've accepted them as okay. My ex never once apologized to me until a week after I had filed for divorce and two days after I had called the police twice on him. A week later he was screaming profanities in my face because I disagreed with him over something small. The only thing I have that keeps him from hurting me now is distance.

I still care about him as a person, but that doesn't mean he has a right to be in my private life.

[MissLotus]

No.  A narcissistic, emotionally abusive person will always put himself first.  If he wants to get back together with you it's because he thinks it might be good for HIM - he doesn't really give a crap about you, and you can bet your bottom dollar that if he did get what he wanted, his behavior would be the same as ever.  And... you wouldn't want to put your child through that upheaval.

[Phoenix~Mama]

No way.  I made the mistake of getting back together with him after 7 years, thinking he was different, and found after time that he was actually worse than I had remembered him.

We have been getting along mostly civially the past couple of months, but that is because I've accepted he is a UAV and incapable of being anything but that and simply do not engage anymore.  I focus on simple conversation about the children, and put anything pressing regarding divorce/anything else in writing.  If he calls irate, I hang up.  If he texts back some BS, I ignore, but save the text if ever needed in the future.

I think it's possible for some to get "better" for a time... but that is the key... for a time.  It seems to never take very long for them to fall right back into their natural ways of abusing others.  I think it would be especially hard for a person to "stay better" being with the person they had abused for any amount of time... it's even more easy to fall back into old familiar patterns.

When EX is being "good" I'm happy that he is taking care of the kids the way he should for that time.  But I know it never ever lasts.  I am so so so so happy to not be on that roller coaster/horror ride anymore.

[youremyheartkid]

Thank you so much for your responses. IMMENSELY helpful. And I completely agree.

[AttunedMama]

Nope, I have thoroughly learned that lesson.

No.

[Joyster]

I think the biggest turning point for me in the wake of our separation and me being an emotional mess is coming to the realization that I would not take him back. He's extremely selfish for doing this to us, he thinks way too much of himself, I'm now seeing faults that I should have seen or heeded ages ago and now I know I deserve better. I cannot spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder for another woman or waiting for his next identity crisis, I'd rather be alone than live like that.

[DCMama01]

Nope that ship has sailed.

[Avani]

Let me think about that for a second. No. No way. I have heard that line a million times.

[hillymum]

No. Never. My husband was/is a very psycologically sadistic narcissist who almost allowed me to die to satisfy his need to belittle and degrade me. He can still make me freel dreadful, but even that control will dwindle as court issues are finalised. I will never give him that power again and I hope you do not put yourself in that position ever again either.

[onemamabrown]

No. I just got word that the court approved our divorce and he started sending me daily love letters apologizing, begging for another chance. The thing is that when he talks about how bad he feels, its always about how bad he feels FOR HIMSELF. When he begs me to take him back its so HE can have a better life.

You must absolutely be your own advocate now. 

And walking back into a situation with an emotionally abusive person is almost like an acceptance of him and his treatment of you.

At what point do you stop giving chances? We all have different lines that we draw and its up to you, but my experience tells me "no".

Think about how well you treated him. Think about how you would never put someone through what he put you through. Realize that narcissism is excruciatingly difficult to treat, and maybe forgive, but don't go back.

[tccandlsccmom]

Oh, I hear you!  Some days it seems tempting...I did love him, after all.  And wouldn't it be easier on the family?  And wouldn't it be better to stop the current horrid fighting (in the midst of the custody battle)...that would be easier too.

Then I have to stop to remember the anger & abuse, the financial devastation, and the fact that I lived with someone for over 16 years, spending most of them lonely and unhappy.  I threatened to leave so many times, was drawn in by promises and by it being easier to stay.  But I am SO much healthier now - emotionally and physically.  

I hate that a part of me still loves a part of him.  But that is not enough to move backward.  My kids and I deserve much much better.

[butterfly1976]

I was with my ex on and off for 14 years. I took him back a million times. It only led to more heartbreak for me and the kids. Seems like his needs were always met, but ours never were.

I thought that I'd love him forever, but now I realize I don't. When it was over for the last time ( I think I just about had a nervous break down), someone who had been in an abusive relationship for years, told me to pray to God to take away the love that I had for the ex. It seemed weird at first, but I did pray about it. I told God that loving the ex was a prison and I can't do it anymore, so take it all away please. I do believe he did in time.

I would be single for the rest of my life before I'd ever touch him with a ten foot pole. I just wish I'd be done with him sooner. We live and we learn by our mistakes.

[insidevoice]

Not even a little.  My daughter's dad is a horrible person who periodically tries to convince men that he's made changes to become the person I wanted to think he was.  For a long time I wanted to believe him, but the reality is that he is not capable of caring for anyone beyond himself.  I am happy that he made some life changes, but he will never be trusted to have a relationship with either myself or his daughter.  If he wants to see her, it will be solely on MY terms and under supervision,  He has no rights to her, and is no longer legally her father. 

[muslimahmama]

I just finished reading a book that I highly, HIGHLY recommend. It is called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling ment" but Lundy Bancroft. Read it. Then decide!

I left an abusive relationship a year ago. I put up with his crap for 4 years. FOUR YEARS of heartbreak everyday, trying to make HIM happy, never succeeding, feeling horrible about myself.. mental, emotional and physical abuse. But the worst thing was when he started trying to turn my beautiful 2 year old boy against me. I told myself if I ever left, I would NEVER look back. I did try communicating to him via email, but he could only manage the sweet act for a few days before blowing up, even in email. 

I cannot talk highly enough about this book. It really explains WHY men behave like this and how/if they can change. Please read it!

[youremyheartkid]

Thanks for the recommendation---I'll definitely check it out! Also, I agree with all the responses and we've literally already had a blow-out since I posted this thread.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by onemamabrown 

No. I just got word that the court approved our divorce and he started sending me daily love letters apologizing, begging for another chance. The thing is that when he talks about how bad he feels, its always about how bad he feels FOR HIMSELF. When he begs me to take him back its so HE can have a better life.

OT - but the repeated love letters are creepy, and I would be getting a no-contact order (at least when it doesn't concern the children).

OP - My ex will NEVER have the chance to get back together with me.  EVER.  What he did to me is unforgivable, and while I have moved on, I will never forgive him completely for that - especially since now he denies it ever happened, and hasn't even apologized.

[muslimahmama]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

OT - but the repeated love letters are creepy, and I would be getting a no-contact order (at least when it doesn't concern the children).

OP - My ex will NEVER have the chance to get back together with me.  EVER.  What he did to me is unforgivable, and while I have moved on, I will never forgive him completely for that - especially since now he denies it ever happened, and hasn't even apologized.

I agree that the love letters are creepy. A no-contact order is something to think about. I just renewed mine (in my old state they were only good for a year) because ex was telling mutual people that once it was up he would try to 'get on my good side' again. Never mentioning the kids. hah I don't forgive him, but I have moved on. He is not a part of my life. I deserve better and so do you!