What you wish you had known....Advice for 1st Time Moms - Page 2

[Abraisme]

I agree.  It should be easy to get enough sleep when you only have one.  I've known WAY too many women that started supplementing with one bottle here or a little formula there and within weeks their babies were often 100% formula fed.  It seems like an early bottle is a gate-way step to unnecessary formula.   

Also, I just read a study and said that ANY (that's right, even one bottle) formula introduced before 6mo's of age negates all of the life-long health benefits of breastfeeding.  It seems that even a tiny bit of formula can damage the gut and greatly reduce immunities.  I would only use pumped milk or donated milk if one actually doesn't make enough themselves..
 

Originally Posted by octanebeetle27 

I very much agree with Jaimee. I really wouldn't chance it and mess with a bottle that early. You really do not know how it will affect you and besides, if you sleep through that night time feeding you will probably wake up engorged and soaked in milk. It can be extremely challenging and frustrating to latch a baby onto an engorged breast! Since this is your first, you really can sleep when the baby does. And they sleep CONSTANTLY during that first month especially. Personally, I never felt the extreme early exhaustion people warned me about--and I think that is b/c I learned to nurse lying down (immediately) and tried to sleep when the baby slept. I wouldn't plan on doing much of anything during those first 6 weeks except for recovering and learning to take care of your new baby.  It will give you guys the best start!

[NEastMomma]

Great question!  I can't wait to pour over all the other replies. 

My DS is now 21 mos old and I'm expecting my 2nd in Nov (obvi, that is why I'm on here).  It took me 18 mos to actually take this advice.  I wish I had done it sooner:

1) SLEEP WHEN BABY SLEEPS!  The housework can wait, the phonecalls can wait - sleep, sleep, sleep.  I now nap when DS naps and it makes SUCH a difference in my day!

2) It is NORMAL if you feel like you don't want to leave your new baby (or your "old" baby, ha) to run an errand, etc.  I was very happy, had no post-partum depression, had tons of help.  I just wanted to be with baby all the time.  I had a chorus of voices telling me that it'd be "good for me" to go shopping alone and leave baby w/ sitter.  The only pple who supported my wishes to stay w/ baby were my mom, sister and husband.  Everyone else made me feel like a freak.  Of course, if you *want* to go out shopping, go for it!  But if you don't want to, please don't feel pressured.

:)

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 
Also, I just read a study and said that ANY (that's right, even one bottle) formula introduced before 6mo's of age negates all of the life-long health benefits of breastfeeding.  It seems that even a tiny bit of formula can damage the gut and greatly reduce immunities.

Abra, I would be very interested to read this study!  Do you have a link?
 

[Gemini529]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

Abra, I would be very interested to read this study!  Do you have a link?
 

I'd like to see the study, too.  This kind of statement really needs backup because it could make a mom who struggles at the early stages of BFing decide not to even bother at all.  

I had an awful start to breastfeeding.  My son was born about 3 weeks early and wouldn't latch.  I had no supply because his latch was so bad and was barely able to pump anything.  I felt like a horrible mom, but my son was losing too much and I did end up supplementing for the first few weeks while I got my supply established and worked on his latch.  It really sucked.  If I had come on here and read something like this, I might have just been like, "screw it, I've already messed up, what's the point?"  Instead, I worked and worked and drank mother's milk tea and once I got him latched on, I nursed him constantly, even waking him up almost every hour to nurse.  We were able to exclusively BF after that, but it was very difficult and I imagine a lot of moms might have just thrown in the towel.

I can't imagine that a bottle completely negates ALL lifetime immunities and health benefits of breastfeeding.  Sorry but I'd like to see proof of this, and by that I don't mean some random person's blog.
 

ETA: I will say that I would agree that if it isn't necessary to supplement in the early weeks, I wouldn't do it.  If you are having major struggles with BFing and need to, that's fine, but I wouldn't start up with night time bottles at the very beginning if you really want to work through BFing.

Also, since I never gave the OP advice, my word of advice would be that breastfeeding gets a million times easier when you learn to do it lying down.  It took me a few months to master this.  Once you can do that, the bottle is actually HARDER than BFing.  

[Abraisme]

HERE is the link to the study that I ready.  I agree, I highly, highly doubt that a little bit of formula negates all the benefits and I would still recommend breastfeeding first and fore-most.  I simply do not recommend giving an infant formula if it isn't necessary (ei, the middle of the night for more sleep or to go out with friends).  Also, I always suggest that people try to use donor milk if they're having supply issues.  The more people spread awareness about donor milk, the more readily it will be available. 

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

  It should be easy to get enough sleep when you only have one. 

HA HA! This is the funniest thing I've ever read. It should be easy enough to go to sleep when you only have one baby? One baby who wakes up every hour and takes at least another 20 minutes to go back to sleep every time? One baby who you can never put down during the day because he only sleeps in your lap or while being carried (thus negating the "sleep when your baby sleeps" idea). One baby whose nursing wakes you up and keeps you up night after night, hour after hour??

And they told me that sleep deprivation was a normal stage of new motherhood. If only I'd known that it should have been easy to get enough sleep under those conditions - after all, I only had one baby! I must have been doing it wrong the whole time. Busted by MDC once again.

[Kindermama]

The biggest things I wish I could say to my younger mothering self is:

• It's okay that you need help- ask for it and/or accept it when offered. It doesn't mean you're not a good mama! 
• "This too shall pass" very quickly.....so enjoy all the blessings in the moment..it goes by too fast! 
• Sleep more...whenever and wherever you can!
• Relax---your baby feels your energy more than you realize she does
• Don't take everything so seriously, including yourself. 
• Don't judge yourself. You are learning as you go and each child will teach you something new about yourself. 
• Don't put baby before your marriage----find a way to co-sleep that doesn't move DH down the hall and spend time with DH as much as possible; let him participate as much as possible and don't correct him when he does something different. 
• Pick a simple diaper stash
• Don't buy so many baby clothes---no matter how cute they are! 
• You don't need all those "gadgets"--they collect dust! 
• Don't lose touch with your friends
• Don't buy so many toys. Just a few simple, open-ended ones. Avoid battery-operated noisy toys! 
• It's okay to take a break and take care of yourself. It doesn't mean you're failing your baby or that you're going to harm her by spending time away from her. 

[Jaimee]

Thanks Abra!  Here's a link to the article on PubMed: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20876557.  If any of you can log in then we could find out how "partial breastfeeding" was defined.  So far I don't see it mentioned anywhere that only one bottle of formula could negate all the positive effects of breastfeeding- thank goodness!  But I also think it bears mentioning that there are many benefits to breastfeeding other than immunity that are well worth the fight to persevere through struggles. 

To the OP, this is why I mentioned in my post how important it is to educate yourself on breastfeeding well ahead of time so that you can recognize common problems and find good support immediately when things are not going well.  Support is paramount to breastfeeding success.  There are so many woman that will tell you they "could not" breastfeed and this is so misleading!  Almost all of these women could have succeeded if they had the right support.  Just look at Gemini's story!  And I also had difficulties in the beginning with inverted nipples that prevented proper latch and delayed my milk from coming in.  A lactation consultant told us to supplement and for as educated as I was, I fell into that trap for a few days.  But with the right help and support we, too, succeeded and nursed exclusively for almost a year and didn't wean until she was 28 months old.  So I, too, hope that just one bottle of formula does not negate the immune effects of breastfeeding!

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by zinemama 

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

  It should be easy to get enough sleep when you only have one. 

HA HA! This is the funniest thing I've ever read. It should be easy enough to go to sleep when you only have one baby? One baby who wakes up every hour and takes at least another 20 minutes to go back to sleep every time? One baby who you can never put down during the day because he only sleeps in your lap or while being carried (thus negating the "sleep when your baby sleeps" idea). One baby whose nursing wakes you up and keeps you up night after night, hour after hour??

And they told me that sleep deprivation was a normal stage of new motherhood. If only I'd known that it should have been easy to get enough sleep under those conditions - after all, I only had one baby! I must have been doing it wrong the whole time. Busted by MDC once again.
 

Okay, okay...  No need to DDCC and get offended!  I had one of these babies, too, and yes it was extremely difficult to get sleep and I was sleep deprived all the time.  BUT I have to still agree that it was WAY easier to rest back then than it is now that I have two children.  Even if I wasn't sleeping, at least I was relaxing on the couch with a sleeping baby on me.  With an older child around this isn't really possible, at least not on a regular basis.  I think what was harder with the first one was adjusting to this new reality.  When I had #2 I was prepared for what was coming and mentally it was easier for me to adjust. 

[berry987]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

Also, I just read a study and said that ANY (that's right, even one bottle) formula introduced before 6mo's of age negates all of the life-long health benefits of breastfeeding.  It seems that even a tiny bit of formula can damage the gut and greatly reduce immunities.  I would only use pumped milk or donated milk if one actually doesn't make enough themselves..
 

I'd really like to see this study, too. I find this kind of remark harmful. I have three children who I was completely unable to breastfeed (hypoplastic breasts, hormonal deficiencies). I had donated milk for much of the time, but it is nearly impossible to 100% supplement with donated milk - there just isn't enough (and milk banks are outrageously expensive). I had my sister and my best friend, plus an anonymous donor helping me out. And still, I had to use formula most of the time. THere truly are many women who cannot breastfeed and making statements about the "danger" of formula (as if its practically poison) just reinforces what many of us have felt - shame and deep sadness over not being able to nurse. I'm all for breastfeeding (heck, that's why it was so awful when I couldn't), but I have learned that the "all or nothing" verbiage is overused and inaccurate. Formula is not poison, it doesn't "damage" the gut. It is necessary nutrition for many, many babies. My three children, who were partially fed on donated breast milk (the equivalant of about 8-12 oz a day) and formula fed the rest of the time, are extremely healthy - allergy free, none have ever had an ear infection, gotten the flu, and are rarely sick....and they are slim. 

[IwannaB anRN]

I haven't gone through all the replies yet, as I just came across this thread but one thing I WISH I had known was when a newborn is first crying and you THINK they are awake, they may still be asleep but fussing in their sleep. DO NOT rush to pick them up right away because they WILL wake up and stay awake crying for a few more hours. lol

[IwannaB anRN]

Originally Posted by dashley111 

Every parent starts out with a list of "I will never's".  If you don't eventually do them all, you WILL do most of them (Right now, your probably thinking, "no, because I would NEVER ______").   Don't feel guilty.  Your child is going to be just fine if it watches TV or eats chocolate cake before its 1. 

DO NOT feel guilty about putting the baby down if that is what you HAVE to do- there is no shame in taking a mommy-break when you are losing it.  I think the biggest one for me, and this is going to sound terrible, but its so very true for any mother who has ever had a baby with colic- don't feel guilty if someday you understand how it is that somebody could shake their baby.  You have to make the difference between you and those people be the ability to put your baby down and walk away- EVEN IF THAT MEANS THEY CRY ALONE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.  I would never harm my child, but boy do I now understand how somebody with less common sense and patience could. 

THAT is a big one right there! Putting baby down and walking away if you need it. I remember my son being SO colicky(sp?) up until 3 months that I hadn't slept in two days going on three and I could not get him to stop crying. I honestly blacked out and thought I might hurt him. I called my mom and had her spend the night with me. It scared me that it even crossed my mind to harm him but I wasn't thinking clearly due to no sleep. That's another thing. DO NOT let yourself be sleep deprived. You do not want to get to a breaking point. Don't be afraid to ask for help, ever. I was very young when I became a mother and was too afraid to ask for help, because I didn't know what was normal. Instincts, food and sleep is what you'll need.

[Abraisme]

I posted the study above and then Jaimee posted a link to pubmed's explanation of partial breastfeeding.  I was wrong, it seems that 1 bottle of formula probably won't harm a baby, but partial formula use can negate the health benefits of breastmilk.  I'm not saying that anyone who CAN'T breastfeed should feel guilty.  It's your job to take care of your baby the best way you can.  I am happy with how far formula has come and glad that it's available to people who need it.  This isn't a judgment, simply an observation of an interesting study that I read.  This study would make me personally shy away from using formula for frivolous reasons like sleep or going out with friends.  If your baby needs to eat because you don't produce enough milk (legitimately, because A LOT of women use this as an excuse when they didn't want to bother trying) you shouldn't feel guilty.  

Also, I'm glad that your children are healthy, but anecdotal evidence from your situation does not prove or disprove this debate.   I think it's wonderful that you've sought out a breastmilk donor and tried your hardest for your babies.   
 

Originally Posted by berry987 

I'd really like to see this study, too. I find this kind of remark harmful. I have three children who I was completely unable to breastfeed (hypoplastic breasts, hormonal deficiencies). I had donated milk for much of the time, but it is nearly impossible to 100% supplement with donated milk - there just isn't enough (and milk banks are outrageously expensive). I had my sister and my best friend, plus an anonymous donor helping me out. And still, I had to use formula most of the time. THere truly are many women who cannot breastfeed and making statements about the "danger" of formula (as if its practically poison) just reinforces what many of us have felt - shame and deep sadness over not being able to nurse. I'm all for breastfeeding (heck, that's why it was so awful when I couldn't), but I have learned that the "all or nothing" verbiage is overused and inaccurate. Formula is not poison, it doesn't "damage" the gut. It is necessary nutrition for many, many babies. My three children, who were partially fed on donated breast milk (the equivalant of about 8-12 oz a day) and formula fed the rest of the time, are extremely healthy - allergy free, none have ever had an ear infection, gotten the flu, and are rarely sick....and they are slim. 

[berry987]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

I posted the study above and then Jaimee posted a link to pubmed's explanation of partial breastfeeding.  I was wrong, it seems that 1 bottle of formula probably won't harm a baby, but partial formula use can negate the health benefits of breastmilk.  I'm not saying that anyone who CAN'T breastfeed should feel guilty.  It's your job to take care of your baby the best way you can.  I am happy with how far formula has come and glad that it's available to people who need it.  This isn't a judgment, simply an observation of an interesting study that I read.  This study would make me personally shy away from using formula for frivolous reasons like sleep or going out with friends.  If your baby needs to eat because you don't produce enough milk (legitimately, because A LOT of women use this as an excuse when they didn't want to bother trying) you shouldn't feel guilty.  

Also, I'm glad that your children are healthy, but anecdotal evidence from your situation does not prove or disprove this debate.   I think it's wonderful that you've sought out a breastmilk donor and tried your hardest for your babies.   
 

Of course antecdotal evidence doesn't disprove anything....but misquoting a study so dramatically is harmful and hurtful to many, many people who use formula for a variety of reasons. My reason apparently passes the test, but what you judge as "frivolous" might actually be real, hard reasons other women choose formula. There is a tremendous amount of judgement against women who use formula and adding false information about "damaging the gut" is just adding to the stigma. For every woman that gets crap for nursing in public or getting slammed for nursing too long, there is another woman getting judged, scrutinized or labeled for using formula. There are valid reasons for both sides and I just say, stop the slander and just recognize that babies come out healthy from a variety of backgrounds...there is no "right" way to do it.
 

[Abraisme]

I feel very sorry for women who truly can not breastfeed (I was a breastmilk donor to a woman that had a breast reduction for 9 months).  I can't even imagine not being able to breastfeed my children.  That being said, it is NOT false information that formula damages the gut.  It may have been an exaggeration that one bottle of formula will hurt a baby, but it seems to be true that partial formula feeding leads to lower immunity.  That does not mean that formula shouldn't be used when necessary!  Sometimes it's the only choice, so it's the best choice.  Not every child that is formula fed will be sickly, just like not every breastfed baby will be perfectly healthy.  There are only averages and statistics, which is how I tend to make my opinions.  

Our country has a very low breastfeeding rate, which means that there is A LOT of frivolous formula being used.  I hope that I can sway the women who are able to breastfeed and don't.  It was never my intention to make women who truly struggle with breastfeeding feel bad.  

I could not open the PubMed page that defined "partial breastfeeding", could someone please copy and paste that info here?

Originally Posted by berry987 

Of course antecdotal evidence doesn't disprove anything....but misquoting a study so dramatically is harmful and hurtful to many, many people who use formula for a variety of reasons. My reason apparently passes the test, but what you judge as "frivolous" might actually be real, hard reasons other women choose formula. There is a tremendous amount of judgement against women who use formula and adding false information about "damaging the gut" is just adding to the stigma. For every woman that gets crap for nursing in public or getting slammed for nursing too long, there is another woman getting judged, scrutinized or labeled for using formula. There are valid reasons for both sides and I just say, stop the slander and just recognize that babies come out healthy from a variety of backgrounds...there is no "right" way to do it.
 

[octanebeetle27]

Originally Posted by berry987 

Of course antecdotal evidence doesn't disprove anything....but misquoting a study so dramatically is harmful and hurtful to many, many people who use formula for a variety of reasons. My reason apparently passes the test, but what you judge as "frivolous" might actually be real, hard reasons other women choose formula. There is a tremendous amount of judgement against women who use formula and adding false information about "damaging the gut" is just adding to the stigma. For every woman that gets crap for nursing in public or getting slammed for nursing too long, there is another woman getting judged, scrutinized or labeled for using formula. There are valid reasons for both sides and I just say, stop the slander and just recognize that babies come out healthy from a variety of backgrounds...there is no "right" way to do it.
 

The thing is (and this is a great lesson for first time moms to learn!), your parenting choices can always be criticized by someone, somewhere. If you know in your heart of hearts that you are doing your best, then there isn't any reason to get offended if someone has a different opinion or even if the experts advice is dfferent. My second child was born via C-Section b/c she was breech. No hospital in town would let me deliver vaginally and I absolutely did not feel safe attempting a homebirth. Now, I know there are others who would not agree with our decision and would have driven to a different city hours away or had a homebirth (and probably would have been just fine!). I chose a C-Section. It hurt that I lost my planned birth center birth just two weeks before my due date. I was devastated. And I absolutely believe that drug free birth (in particular home birth) are best for MOST mothers and babies. It doesn't bug me when people talk about all the benefits of natural birth and all of the potential dangers of surgical birth b/c I agree! But I know we made the right decision in our case. My 7 year old is healthy, happy, and so am I. Of course, I would have rathered her born naturally and avoided surgery. But that wasn't in the cards, any more than the fact that you are unable to breastfeed (actually, you have even less control of that--we could have tried for a homebirth). Not all things are in our control and you just have to do your very best and be ok with that! I'm saying this kindly, one from momma to another who has faced disapointment despite our best intentions and efforts. I don't think Abraisme was trying to be hurtful. You know breast is BEST (not the ONLY way, but the BEST for most women and babies), just like I know that vaginal birth is BEST (not the ONLY way, but the BEST way for most women and babies) which is why it hurts to be reminded of what didn't happen for you and your child. Anyway, we all just need to do our best and be at peace with that.   

[Abraisme]

Thanks
 

Originally Posted by octanebeetle27 

The thing is (and this is a great lesson for first time moms to learn!), your parenting choices can always be criticized by someone, somewhere. If you know in your heart of hearts that you are doing your best, then there isn't any reason to get offended if someone has a different opinion or even if the experts advice is dfferent. My second child was born via C-Section b/c she was breech. No hospital in town would let me deliver vaginally and I absolutely did not feel safe attempting a homebirth. Now, I know there are others who would not agree with our decision and would have driven to a different city hours away or had a homebirth (and probably would have been just fine!). I chose a C-Section. It hurt that I lost my planned birth center birth just two weeks before my due date. I was devastated. And I absolutely believe that drug free birth (in particular home birth) are best for MOST mothers and babies. It doesn't bug me when people talk about all the benefits of natural birth and all of the potential dangers of surgical birth b/c I agree! But I know we made the right decision in our case. My 7 year old is healthy, happy, and so am I. Of course, I would have rathered her born naturally and avoided surgery. But that wasn't in the cards, any more than the fact that you are unable to breastfeed (actually, you have even less control of that--we could have tried for a homebirth). Not all things are in our control and you just have to do your very best and be ok with that! I'm saying this kindly, one from momma to another who has faced disapointment despite our best intentions and efforts. I don't think Abraisme was trying to be hurtful. You know breast is BEST (not the ONLY way, but the BEST for most women and babies), just like I know that vaginal birth is BEST (not the ONLY way, but the BEST way for most women and babies) which is why it hurts to be reminded of what didn't happen for you and your child. Anyway, we all just need to do our best and be at peace with that.   

[berry987]

Originally Posted by octanebeetle27 

The thing is (and this is a great lesson for first time moms to learn!), your parenting choices can always be criticized by someone, somewhere. If you know in your heart of hearts that you are doing your best, then there isn't any reason to get offended if someone has a different opinion or even if the experts advice is dfferent. My second child was born via C-Section b/c she was breech. No hospital in town would let me deliver vaginally and I absolutely did not feel safe attempting a homebirth. Now, I know there are others who would not agree with our decision and would have driven to a different city hours away or had a homebirth (and probably would have been just fine!). I chose a C-Section. It hurt that I lost my planned birth center birth just two weeks before my due date. I was devastated. And I absolutely believe that drug free birth (in particular home birth) are best for MOST mothers and babies. It doesn't bug me when people talk about all the benefits of natural birth and all of the potential dangers of surgical birth b/c I agree! But I know we made the right decision in our case. My 7 year old is healthy, happy, and so am I. Of course, I would have rathered her born naturally and avoided surgery. But that wasn't in the cards, any more than the fact that you are unable to breastfeed (actually, you have even less control of that--we could have tried for a homebirth). Not all things are in our control and you just have to do your very best and be ok with that! I'm saying this kindly, one from momma to another who has faced disapointment despite our best intentions and efforts. I don't think Abraisme was trying to be hurtful. You know breast is BEST (not the ONLY way, but the BEST for most women and babies), just like I know that vaginal birth is BEST (not the ONLY way, but the BEST way for most women and babies) which is why it hurts to be reminded of what didn't happen for you and your child. Anyway, we all just need to do our best and be at peace with that.   

I am very much at peace with my inability to breastfeed. It took awhile to get there (it was probably after my third child and all efforts, again, that I reconciled my situation), but I am very confident that I did my best and my kids are healthy, happy and bright...so I really have no regrets at this point. But it is still unnecessary and hurtful to further stigmatize formula by misquoting studies and making broad proclamations. It's not hurtful to ME in particular, it's hurtful to the many, many women who already get flack for using formula for many valid reasons. The other women on this board who have the luxury of being able to produce breastmilk in abundance and don't understand how anyone could ever feed formula, might read those kind of posts and say "wow, those formula feeding moms are just being reckless!" You are very correct in saying that everyone gets judged for their parenting choices - it happens a lot in motherhood - and just because you are on the "breast is best!" side of the argument doesn't mean you have a right to spread false statements. There are studies that say that there is no difference in formula vs breastfeeding -- I don't agree or disagree with these studies, I know that studies can be done to prove any point, so ALL of them need to be taken with a grain of salt (even the ones that support your cause). 

I just want to add that comparing a c-section vs. natural birth to breastfeeding vs. formula is not really the same thing. Most of the argument against c-sections is the immediate danger to the mother and child. You and your child came out fine and your life can move on as normal. The arguments against formula are about long-term "damage" to the gut that effects life long immunity, issues with bonding, and the future intelligence of a child. This is about regular people (not researchers) proclaiming "I heard that feeding your baby formula can lower their IQ points by 20!" and in this case, "I heard that one bottle of formula (just one!) before age 6 mo can permanently damage the gut and negate all the immunity benefits of breastfeeding!" I'm just saying - be careful what you proclaim...us formula feeders have heard it all and get it from all sides already and we don't all do it for "frivolous" reasons.

Edited by berry987 - 5/9/11 at 5:45am

[momtoS]

I am not due in November (just had baby number three in January). But I hope it is okay to put in my 2 cents.

If someone offers you help...you know "do you need anything or would you like me to grab something from the store for you"....ALWAYS say yes. FIND something little for them to do. People will offer to help for (if you are really lucky) two weeks after the baby is born and then never ever again. SO.....take the help when it is offered.

Also. Remember that the best best best parents are people without children. They have advice for everything. LOL.

[dashley111]

Originally Posted by momtoS 

Also. Remember that the best best best parents are people without children. They have advice for everything. LOL.

So true!  Just smile and nod and know that everything they say is BS.