What you wish you had known....Advice for 1st Time Moms - Page 3

[Gemini529]

Originally Posted by dashley111 

So true!  Just smile and nod and know that everything they say is BS.

AAAHH!!  Sooo true!  I have a friend who works with small children, but has none of her own, and she is constantly talking/judging other people's parenting choices.  She has read a lot of books about child development, etc, but doesn't seem to understand that what works for one baby does NOT necessarily work for another!  It's so annoying.  That and she is really  unrealistic about how "perfect" parents should be.  You will not be perfect and, like another poster said, when your 11 month old baby is throwing a fit in a restaurant, you might just change your mind about "[insert baby blog] says no bites of [insert evil food type] til 1 year!"  

This woman made me feel like the world's worst mom because I gave my son some diluted juice when he was 9 months old!  She also warned me that while I'm pregnant, I'm not allowed to pump gas.  OK well I guess that's fine if I happen to be driving with my husband at all times, but it's just not going to happen every time!  

I finally decided I didn't care and that when she does have kids (she wants them someday) she will understand! I just nod and smile, and will continue to nod and smile when she calls me in the middle of the night in a panic in 5 years because her baby won't sleep perfectly through the night in a crib by 4 months! 

[Abraisme]

Ha ha.. I've had this friend as well.  Only, she now has a kid.  Her pre-kid parental advice (based mostly on watching her nieces) was nearly impossible to let go after she had her own.  It basically ruined our relationship in the future..  Some things she told me before she had her own..

*Her kid was NEVER going to throw a tantrum in public.  If she was at a grocery store and there was an issue she would simply abandon her cart and go home.  I tried to explain to her that she might never get to go grocery shopping if she had that philosophy.. She didn't believe me.

*She gave my then 2.5 year several long lectures about wasting food and how there are starving kids in Africa.  Graphic, detailed lectures..  :/  Her son ended up being a grazer (she struggled to get him to eat much at all), would take one bite of something and throw it on the floor.  I tried to convince her to scrap it up, re-feed it to him later and show him images of starving children.. She wasn't amused.  Ha ha..

*She often told me that if I had tried harder, my son would have been potty trained by 2.  Her son is now 3.5 and still in diapers..   "She picks her battles"

*She would often tell me to not use *excuses* for bad behavior.  (IE, my DS was tired/hungry/sick)  I can't tell you how often her son was teething.  If there was ANY issue he was getting a tooth.  Ha ha.

Anyway, yeah, take advice from non-parents with a grain of salt (or at least try)..  It's pretty much all BS.  ;)
 

Originally Posted by Gemini529 

AAAHH!!  Sooo true!  I have a friend who works with small children, but has none of her own, and she is constantly talking/judging other people's parenting choices.  She has read a lot of books about child development, etc, but doesn't seem to understand that what works for one baby does NOT necessarily work for another!  It's so annoying.  That and she is really  unrealistic about how "perfect" parents should be.  You will not be perfect and, like another poster said, when your 11 month old baby is throwing a fit in a restaurant, you might just change your mind about "[insert baby blog] says no bites of [insert evil food type] til 1 year!"  

This woman made me feel like the world's worst mom because I gave my son some diluted juice when he was 9 months old!  She also warned me that while I'm pregnant, I'm not allowed to pump gas.  OK well I guess that's fine if I happen to be driving with my husband at all times, but it's just not going to happen every time!  

I finally decided I didn't care and that when she does have kids (she wants them someday) she will understand! I just nod and smile, and will continue to nod and smile when she calls me in the middle of the night in a panic in 5 years because her baby won't sleep perfectly through the night in a crib by 4 months! 

[Greenlea]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

*There's a learning curve on breastfeeding.  Once you make it past the 6 week mark, it gets easy.  It's NORMAL for it to hurt a bit, in spite of what any professional might say. 

YES! This!  I tell every pregnant woman I know who is planning on breastfeeding this.  I've known way too many moms who have given up too early because they felt the pain they had wasn't normal.  It is normal for it to hurt, but it does go away.  My sister was having trouble and wanted to give up, I kept her going past the 2 week mark and even that makes a difference in the pain and ease of breastfeeding.  She's going good now at almost one month.

*Jaundice is normal in babies.  Do not rush to the ER like I did because your father insists your baby is seriously sick.

*Some blood in the diaper is normal in the beginning.  Again, do not rush to the ER like I did because someone scared you into it.

*You do not need to have the swing, bouncy chair, etc all set up before baby comes home.  Those first few days baby is attached to you anyways.

[dashley111]

Oh yes, breastfeeding- there should be a whole separate thread on advice to those first time BF'ing. 

IT DOES HURT.  But the hurt goes away- your nipples may crack and bleed, or swell.  You WILL have some sharp pains during the first week (or maybe a few).  EVERY new mom thinks their baby is for sure starving and they are not making enough milk.  Its very rarely true, but you will wonder and stress- its no reason to give up or supplement.  Learn what really matters- weight gain or wet diapers.  You will have doubts, for sure, and its normal.  DONT GIVE UP.

Your milk wont come in right away.  Sometimes it takes 5 or 6 days.  Your baby wont starve. 

Give yourself some breastfeeding resources BEFORE the impending freak out you will have in the middle of the night when your babys is 3 days old and your convinced you are doing something wrong- meet up with LLL, or go onto KellyMom.  Read message boards, make some nursing friends.  Ask questions. 

[Mal85]

Agreed, dashley. I worried so much about nursing with my first. I really hope I can be more laid back about it this time. I would fret over how much she was getting, was I feeding her too often/not often enough, would she really let me know if she was hungry, etc, etc, etc. It really doesn't have to be that stressful!

And it will hurt! I don't know who came up with the idea that it doesn't hurt. Now, if it hurts through the whole nursing session, then there's probably something going on with the latch that you should work on. But when you're nipples are adjusting, it's going to hurt when baby first latches on. It should go away after the first minute or so. And you might bleed a little, that's normal too. You'll adjust and it won't hurt forever! Then, your baby will learn to bite and that's a whole other can of worms, lol!

Oh, and no one ever told me that baby girls can have a short period of sorts when they're newborns. Freaked me out when her diaper was slightly bloody, turns out it's totally normal!

[KayPea]

I just remembered one more thing I wished I knew then. I had heard that breastfeeding gets easier after 6 weeks, and I was holding out for that time. And it's true, it did get easier. But for some mamas and babies, it doesn't get easy or natural for much much longer. For us, it was fully 6 MONTHS before both of us settled into a comfortable, happy place with nursing. I am so glad we held on, and since we are still nursing happily at 2 years, we have been comfortably nursing for 3 times longer than we were struggling! So don't be discouraged if you pass that 6 week mark and you still have trouble nursing in public, or have oversupply or are dealing with nursing strikes or any of the other myriad of nursing issue that can come up later. Do your best, see a lactation consultant, and keep trying (as long as your baby is still gaining weight and healthy, of course. There is also absolutely no shame in trusting your instincts and knowing when it's best for you both to look for alternatives.)

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by Mal85 

And it will hurt! I don't know who came up with the idea that it doesn't hurt.

I went to a LLL meeting while I was pregnant and that was the main thing they kept drilling into my head!  Of course it's not true at all.  Most woman experience some pain or soreness for at least a few days.  I recall that toe curling pain lasting about 5 days with my first.  With my second the pain was less, but lasted a little longer. 

I get that LLL is trying to encourage more woman to breastfeed, but I really think it's a disservice to woman to tell them that it won't hurt b/c if more woman knew it didn't last that long I think more of those that quit for pain reasons would push through.  Same with the biting issue.  I've run into several women who told me they weaned when their kids "wouldn't stop biting."  It's another phase that you can push through with some techniques to get them to learn not to bite. 
 

[dashley111]

Wow, Jaimee- I'm really surprised they would do that!  It seems like they should be the #1 resource for HONEST information.  If you are not honest, it does not prepare anybody for the realities.  Then you have mothers who become convinced that things are in fact wrong because they were told A, B, and C and those things werent true.

[TalkToMeNow]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

I get that LLL is trying to encourage more woman to breastfeed, but I really think it's a disservice to woman to tell them that it won't hurt b/c if more woman knew it didn't last that long I think more of those that quit for pain reasons would push through.  Same with the biting issue.  I've run into several women who told me they weaned when their kids "wouldn't stop biting."  It's another phase that you can push through with some techniques to get them to learn not to bite. 
 

OT, but I just had flashbacks to the biting phase with my first! OUCH!! Not looking forward to that. 

All this advice is good for me, too! It's only been 6 years, but I feel like I've forgotten all about newborns..... :)
 

[TalkToMeNow]

Here's some advice: find a group of real life like-minded moms. I found one with dd1 and dd2 in the Finding Your Tribe area here on MDC. I've been on MDC since 2003, and it's a great resource. However, there are times when you may ask for advice and...... hmm.... maybe not get as much empathy as you hoped for. Was that a nice way to say it?  If you find a group of women that you actually see from time to time for play dates, etc, then when you ask them for advice, they are much more likely to be understanding. 

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

I've been on MDC since 2003, and it's a great resource. However, there are times when you may ask for advice and...... hmm.... maybe not get as much empathy as you hoped for. Was that a nice way to say it? 

Yes!  I've had my fair share of snarky comments from people who are way out there or just abrasive via online forum.  I agree that IRL support is the best.  I have found local yahoo groups great for that.
 

[Dov'sMom]

I wonder whether the bad LLL advice was just one or two vocal women discussing their own experiences.

Personally, I had only very minimal discomfort nursing, and only the one or two times my first son mis-latched. (I learned quickly to unlatch him immediately and re-latch in those circumstances.) If I hadn't watched my sister struggle through weeks of agony with each of her babies, I wouldn't have known that wasn't normal.

For me, the most important thing was to REST. I am always on the go, and it was so hard for me to realize that after birth you really are a convalescent. You may feel fine running around running errands 5 days after birth (with the baby in the sling, of course), but you may just collapse afterward, and it's just not worth it. And when baby is taking a nap do NOT decide to wash dishes and cook dinner. Sleep when baby sleeps, no matter how unnatural it feels. (Of course, that doesn't work as well when there are older kids around, but this is for the first-timers, right?) I always knew when I had pushed myself too hard because the next day I would start bleeding bright red again.

Also, follow your instincts. Listen respectfully to advice but don't take it if it doesn't ring true for you. I couldn't believe how many people told me I was causing my second to be so unhappy by holding him too much and responding too quickly -- luckily, he was my second, and I knew that I had treated my first the exact same way yet he was the most content baby in the neighborhood. (The fact that I started getting those comments about spoiling him when he was under a week old helped me recognize how ridiculous they were too.)

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by Dov'sMom 

I wonder whether the bad LLL advice was just one or two vocal women discussing their own experiences.

Surprisingly, it was coming from the two LEADERS.  I had recently read The Womanly Art of  Breastfeeding and right in their literature was one little sentence that said, even correctly latched, breastfeeding may hurt for about 5 days as the nipples adjust.  I brought this up in the meeting to see if other mothers would comment on their experience, but the leaders stepped in and said it should not hurt at all. 

Of course, despite this bad experience with LLL and a subsequent bad experience with another leader over the phone when I was having issues with my inverted nipples, I would like to throw out there that not all LLL leaders are equal nor are the groups.  So if you don't have a great experience with one group, look for another.  Often there are multiple groups within a metropolitan area meeting on different days, times, places, etc.  The same goes for lactation consultants.  If you have a bad experience with one or question her advice, find a different one immediately.  Establishing a breastfeeding relationship is well worth the effort of finding the right support.

[mcacat]

While on the topic of breastfeeding, I recommend Dr. Jack Newman's book on breastfeeding and his website:  http://www.drjacknewman.com/   There are excellent video clips and as I recall, he will actually answer questions that you might have by email.  He is located in Toronto, Ontario and is an absolute guru, IMO.

PS.  My daughter fortunately had a great latch right away and my nipples were still sore for about a week, if I recall correctly. I thought they were about to crack and bleed, etc. but it was just normal soreness while they toughened up.

My best advice for first time moms, however, is lighten up on the naps (and sleep in general).  You will read books and hear people say that if your child is not napping for hours at a time in their crib, etc. that they are not getting enough sleep, etc.  My daughter cat napped, 20-30 minutes at a time in her crib, no matter what I tried for the first 6 months of her life.  On the other hand, if she was sleeping with me, in a sling or in the car out and about, she would nap for hours.  Then at 7 months, a switch went on and she would only nap well in her crib.  Go figure!  Little monkeys.   But seriously, trying to get her to nap for longer stretches in her crib nearly drove me crazy.

[ElizabethE]

I wish I had known more about the physiology of birth and how it was going to affect me... coulda saved myself a lot of pain and hardship and mental anguish.

I also wish I'd known that breastfeeding was not going to be perfect or foolproof or painless, and that it didn't automatically mean I was "doing it wrong" if I felt this way, so that I wouldn't have given up so easily the first time.

Oh, and, advice-- be as well rested as you can. Sleep is so important to the sanity and the ability of mommies to be their best and most patient, giving, and loving.

Oh yeah-- and listen to your instincts. It's a surprisingly reliable source of information that gets downplayed far too much.

Congrats!

[belltree]

Originally Posted by dashley111 

Wow, Jaimee- I'm really surprised they would do that!  It seems like they should be the #1 resource for HONEST information.  If you are not honest, it does not prepare anybody for the realities.  Then you have mothers who become convinced that things are in fact wrong because they were told A, B, and C and those things werent true.

You would think. I asked later on, why they were not honest about the pain. And they said they want more women to breastfeed. I think this totally backfires. If someone tells me it's not supposed to hurt beforehand and then it does, most people would think that something is wrong and maybe the are just not made for it.

That said, minor pain is alright. But just don't overdo it. The Lactation Consultant in the hospital had told me to just breath through the pain "just as during labor". If I wouldn't have decided to give it at least 8 weeks, I would have given up. At 8 weeks things started to get better, at 13 weeks I had the first painfree breastfeeding session.

[jasmin85]

Lots of great advice on here, especially about the "mommy guilt"...also in that I would include, "For the love of all that is holy--let someone else hold your baby!!!!"  Even if they begin to fuss or whimper, let it be.  My daughter was very colicky and she was born at the beginning of a very hot summer, and my husband was working 5-7 days a week---I was all by myself--I even had severed ties with many friends (we had moved), and didn't know anyone with children.  The neighbors would hear her crying (for hours) and sometimes would come over and offer to hold her, but I would turn down the offer feeling pressured to "do it all myself", being the mother and all.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I was going crazy--sleep deprived, hot and crying, crying, crying...Take the offer.

That being said, Gripe Water.  If your baby has colic, Gripe Water is supposed to be great.  Unfortunately at the time it wasn't available anywhere nearby, now it's even at Bartell's!

Also, join a PEPS group or another type of mom group (meetup.com is a great source), I didn't join anything until my daughter was almost a year old and I really could have used the support system.  She's almost 5 and I still am in contact with many of those women. 

It will take a while before your relationship with your partner/spouse will be able to come to the forefront, but find ways to make time together.  You may not be able to leave babe for much time, and probably won't want to, but make time for You, and make time for your marriage/partnership.  VERY important.  Especially if you are planning to stay at home, it is very easy to get lost in the woodwork.  It may even take a couple years for you to find your independence, but when you do, take a class or join a hobby/craft group, or take up a sport, or join a gym, or SOMEthing to make time for yourself.  It is easy to disregard the need for alone time.

[Jaimee]

Okay, just following up on the article that was referenced earlier in this thread that talked about the immune effects of full vs. partial breastfeeding.  I was finally able to get a copy of the article and I have to say, I'm not impressed by it.  Number one, all the participants are from the tiny island of Crete.  Why in the world did they do that?  Second, "partial breastfeeding" is defined as nothing more than an infant receiving breastmilk in combination with other liquids and solids.  There is no mention of frequency or amount of supplementation.  So with this limited definition, I'm not at all sure if that would mean a single bottle, one time.  Also, the majority of the infants in the study were weaned at 6 months. 

[pumpkin]

Easy to get enough sleep with one?

My schedule for the first two months of DD's life
Spend 45-60 minutes trying to get her to nurse with syringe and then eventually sns.
Pump for 20 minutes to get milk for next feeding
Deal with said milk and pump parts
Try to squeeze in 60-90 minutes of sleep
Repeat feedings every 3 hours timed from start of feeding to start of feeding.

My DD was exclusively breastfed and I don't regret one minute of the effort I gave to make that happen. It is still incredibly dismissive to claim that parents of one baby shouldn't have trouble getting enough rest.

[moaningminny]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

I agree.  It should be easy to get enough sleep when you only have one.  I've known WAY too many women that started supplementing with one bottle here or a little formula there and within weeks their babies were often 100% formula fed.  It seems like an early bottle is a gate-way step to unnecessary formula.   

Not when your first child is a severely colicky 31-weeker and you're suffering from PPD.  Unbelievable.