What you wish you had known....Advice for 1st Time Moms - Page 5

[alyadri]

Sasha's Mama hit it right on the head!  Your wants are just as important.  With my frist DD I let everyone bully me around telling me I should do this and that.....only to find out that I should have listened to MY body and MY own instincts.  Remember that you will make mistakes along the way - - and it's totally normal. 

A few things I wish I would have done with my first that I didn't:

***Babywear!  It's such a wonderful thing to do - It's comfortable for both you and your baby.  I never go anywhere without my wrap.  So much that I've never needed to use a stroller with my second child.

***Nurse as long as possible - You will miss it when you stop and your baby will never stop benefiting from it.

***Hire a doula for the baby's birth. 

***If possible hire a midwife.  The difference in care is mind boggling.

Originally Posted by Sasha's Mama 

I just wanted to say this is all really good advice! I especially agree with not listening to everyone else's shoulds! Your mother thinks you should give your 3 month old cereal so he'll sleep, your husband thinks you should have the baby at X place even though he isn't researching other options, your pediatrician says your baby should be sleeping in the crib or he'll "never get out of your bed" and on and on and on! Ugh! Just do what feels right to you - you're the baby's mom and what you want is just as legitimate as what anyone else wants!

[berry987]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

There isn't enough judgment in our society and children get hurt.  

Actually, I see this quite the opposite. There is far too much judgement in our society - especially among the educated, "thoughtful" bunch who view their choices as the ONLY way to raise a child. As I said before, aside from abuse or neglect, there are many ways to raise a child well. Breastfed, bottlefed, SAH or WOH, carried or pushed in a stroller, etc. You are apparently taking it upon yourself to judge everyone out there who you don't see being judged enough. Maybe the woman you know who said she quit breastfeeding because she didn't like it knows you were judging her and just didn't want to get into it. I wouldn't want to engage with you in a conversation about MY choices because you obviously have narrow views of what makes a good choice.

Struggling with breastfeeding for six weeks pales in comparison to what many women go through to breastfeed. A close friend of mine had mastitis over and over again for the first six months of DS3s life, dealt with serious low supply, and was working full time as a PA in the ER which required 12 hr shifts at a time (to support her family, in case you're planning to judge her). She'd pump in patient rooms with almost no privacy and then come home on her days off and he would turbo nurse to get her supply back up (and she has two other small children). She quit BFing after 8 months because it was too much. Did she work hard enough in your opinion or is it being "too much" not a good enough reason? I fed with a SFS for the first six months of my DS1s life (and four months for my next two children) all the while knowing I was producing absolutely no breastmilk (not to mention the domperidone and herbal remedies I took). But you know what? When someone asks me if I breastfed my first child I say "no" because he didn't actually get any breastmilk from me and he is a robust, healthy, bright six year old now. Early on I'd say "yes" because I thought people would judge me. But I got tired of people asking me that and then saying "Oh good" or "Well that must be why he's never sick!" Because the truth is, formula does the job too! So if you met me and asked about my breastfeeding history, I'd probably give you the short answer "they were formula fed" because I don't go into my personal history with people I don't know well and because I am proud of my healthy, strong formula fed kids. Would I trade my experience for being able to breastfeed? In a heartbeat. Not because I think my kids are going to suffer because they were FF, but because I missed out on an experience I would have liked to have. It sucked struggling through that and worrying I was ruining my kids and condemning them to a lifetime of allergies, obesity and limited attachments. Because that is exactly what some of the BFing community would like the world to think. But my kids are incredibly healthy and strong and smart (if I do say so myself ) and they are deeply bonded with my DH and me....and that is all because there is more than one way to raise a child well. 

Edited by berry987 - 6/13/11 at 1:54pm

[Gemini529]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

I suppose that I come at this from a different view point.  I too had a VERY hard time nursing my first child for the first 6 weeks.  I feel now, because I pushed through the worst times, that the years of breastfeeding made us so much closer.  Once the pain and frustration wore off, the benefit of the struggle was 110% worth it.  If I had given up, I would have felt extremely guilty for the rest of my life.  Not only that, but I think it would have negatively impacted my long-term bonding with him.   I think that doing the best thing for a child is worth one hell of a struggle.  If in the end, a women can not breastfeed, at least she would know that she tried.  I've also known women that STRUGGLED for a long time to bf and had to quit in the end.  There is a clear difference between this type of woman and my example below.

The woman in the example below simply doesn't like being a mother, there's hardly a relationship, period.  She spends her whole day meeting his basic needs and putting him back into a plastic carrier (his head is totally flat).  She was also counting the days until she returned to a job (that she didn't have to financially return to).  To me, this is no different than child abuse/neglect.  The exact same argument could also be used for someone that beats their child, it's all they know and they ARE trying (who is anyone to judge).  There isn't enough judgment in our society and children get hurt.  Most people will judge someone that physically beats a child, I guess my bar is just a little lower than the average American.  I think that feeding your kids junk food, voluntarily putting an infant in daycare, letting an infant cio, refusing to research, etc are all forms of child neglect.  I know what it's like to extend yourself past comfort for your own child, I don't see a lot women doing this.

There isn't a huge variable of "what's best for someone else's child".   ALL children have the same basic needs.  They all deserve healthy food, love, atonement, touch, and to be put first.  Unfortunately these things are not considered important in our society. 

I really wasn't trying to judge anyone here on Mothering.  The reason that I use this site is because I think that most people here are informed and do try their hardest for the kids.  The whole original point of my argument is that, "I would stay away from frivolous formula".   Mostly because I've known way too many women that start with one or two bottles and quickly abandon breastfeeding all together.  I do think that using formula to get sleep or to go out with friends is probably frivolous.  I can't help but think that.

OK, I know that MDC is one of those sites where it seems like it's "ok" to judge people who make different choices than you, but that is actually one of the worst parts about this site.  I think it's great that people who AP, cosleep, don't vax, and breastfeed until age 6 have a place to go and discuss this without people telling them it's wrong.  I really do.  And I personally believe that a lot of those things are best for babies.  However, I don't believe that it is my place to judge people who have found a different path than I did.  

I also think it really sucks that if you come here because you want support for one or two parenting choices you have made, you are made to feel like crap because some of your other choices don't go completely along with the program.  I found this place because I was trying to learn more about circumcision and the other side of the vaccine issue.  I'm glad I found it because I also ended up with a baby who wouldn't sleep in a crib and I realized it was OK for me to let him sleep in my bed and that I didn't have to listen to him cry in order to get him to sleep (which is what people IRL told me).  However, if I had been able to get him to sleep well in his crib without cio, I DEFINITELY would have done it.  And if he didn't hate being strapped into his infant seat with a heated passion, I totally would have sat him in it while I cooked dinner instead of passing him back and forth between my husband and I while we took turns cooking over a hot stove.  

And before I found this site, I would have been super proud of myself for even BFing for 6 months.  I know my mom BF'd my sister, brother and I for about that long, and I always considered myself a breastfed baby.  But around here, that's not good enough.  If you don't go on and on and on for years and years, you are basically a monster and ruining your childrens' guts.  (BTW, for only being BF'd for 6-7 mos, I pretty much have a stomach of steel and no allergies so I guess I don't need to go and set up any therapist appointments just yet to talk about how abusive and neglectful my mom was for not BFing me until I was in elementary school until something actually comes up).

And BTW, I went to a wedding when my son was 6 weeks old.  It was for one of my bestest friends in the world and I wasn't missing it.  My parents watched my son and when they ran out of frozen BM, they gave him a bottle of formula and then put him down in a crib and I didn't feel guilty about it in the slightest.  It was that outing with my friends that probably saved me from having a complete mental breakdown.  

I have a friend who chose to formula feed because she didn't like it.  She said it was making her depressed.  I don't know how bad it was but she was becoming resentful of her child and just hated it.  So who am I to judge her?  She is much happier bottle feeding.  Maybe this woman you know has bad PPD?

[GuildJenn]

Sorry to DDC crash but I have been watching this thread with increasing horror. My eldest is almost 6 and my youngest is 5 months, and for the record I breastfed my eldest until 3+ and am exclusively breastfeeding my youngest. I babywear and have co-slept and all that.

That said, there is no way you could pick the FF kids out of the lineup from the BF kids in my son's cohort of peers. There is no way to tell who co-sleeps, who used a stroller, who broke their back babywearing, etc. In some cases I know 'cause we've been friends since the early days - and those who made different choices from me still have AMAZING and HEALTHY kids.

And honestly, I am saddened by anyone who thinks they can tell and who is prepared to judge those parents. I suspect an astonishing case of observer bias.

What you can tell are the kids whose parents love them, are consistent and grounded, and whose homes are a source of security, love, peace, and care. And quite often the mothers who have been able to sustain that in their lives; who have good parenting partnerships with their spouses and who are engaged in a passionate, grounded life with attachment - yes attachment - to their communities that strengthen their children's lives and care are the ones who have recognized that their needs and wants count too.

When I delivered my second, I resolved that this time I would be a more relaxed, less fearful parent. I do not live in fear that every piece of plastic will cause cancer, that a mouthful of cheezies at someone else's home will produce lifetime gut issues, or that if it comes to it - which it hasn't by some determination, but more LUCK - formula is all going to be okay. 

My sister ended up formula feeding for complex reasons and I'll tell you - after observing how her child is so strongly attached to both mum AND dad; how she is absolutely secure that mum or dad, or in a pinch grandma and grandpa and even me, her aunt, can feed her and hold her, it's quite amazing. If I do have to go to formula, ever, I think it will be incredibly awesome to see how a baby can learn that so many people can be that source of nutrition and comfort. I have to admit I hate pumping enough that I didn't do it right this time and do that, as I'd intended before a rough delivery and a near-term baby who ended up sick (kidney defect), but I kind of regret it.

You have 18+ years with your child; enjoy them! I wish I had enjoyed my first a little more and not spent so much time obsessing. Of course if you're a first time mom, you probably will...go gentle on that too. I'm excited for you all!

[berry987]

Abraisme - I just want to add that I read the study you are quoting about formula negating the benefits of partial breastfeeding and there are HUGE holes in the study. One thing that many, many studies on FF don't account for are confounding factors (parental age and education, socioeconomic status, etc.) that can seriously sway the outcome. The authors of this study blatantly say they did not control for confounding factors...which pretty much makes the study pointless. The largest group of formula feeders are low-income, single mothers. They are also more likely to lack resources for healthy food, good medical care, etc. So, their children are more likely to grow up with health problems. It's not because they are formula fed, it's because they live in an environment (that includes FF) that does not support good health. To generalize the results of this study to all FF babies is reckless and a really poor use of medical research money.

You can't just read the conclusions of a study and believe it - researchers have their own agendas and often come up with conclusions that are wrong based on the study results. Just like the mainstream medical community is waging a war on homebirth using "out of hospital birth" statistics. That includes unplanned home births and unassisted births and births that occurred in a taxi on the way to the hospital. Not exactly comparable to a planned home birth attended by an experienced midwife. But the studies show that more babies die out of the hospital than in the hospital so the study conclusions say "home births are bad." Great headline grabber, but wrong.

[lovingmommyhood]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

I suppose that I come at this from a different view point.  I too had a VERY hard time nursing my first child for the first 6 weeks.  I feel now, because I pushed through the worst times, that the years of breastfeeding made us so much closer.  Once the pain and frustration wore off, the benefit of the struggle was 110% worth it.  If I had given up, I would have felt extremely guilty for the rest of my life.  Not only that, but I think it would have negatively impacted my long-term bonding with him.   I think that doing the best thing for a child is worth one hell of a struggle.  If in the end, a women can not breastfeed, at least she would know that she tried.  I've also known women that STRUGGLED for a long time to bf and had to quit in the end.  There is a clear difference between this type of woman and my example below.

The woman in the example below simply doesn't like being a mother, there's hardly a relationship, period.  She spends her whole day meeting his basic needs and putting him back into a plastic carrier (his head is totally flat).  She was also counting the days until she returned to a job (that she didn't have to financially return to).  To me, this is no different than child abuse/neglect.  The exact same argument could also be used for someone that beats their child, it's all they know and they ARE trying (who is anyone to judge).  There isn't enough judgment in our society and children get hurt.  Most people will judge someone that physically beats a child, I guess my bar is just a little lower than the average American.  I think that feeding your kids junk food, voluntarily putting an infant in daycare, letting an infant cio, refusing to research, etc are all forms of child neglect.  I know what it's like to extend yourself past comfort for your own child, I don't see a lot women doing this.

There isn't a huge variable of "what's best for someone else's child".   ALL children have the same basic needs.  They all deserve healthy food, love, atonement, touch, and to be put first.  Unfortunately these things are not considered important in our society. 

I really wasn't trying to judge anyone here on Mothering.  The reason that I use this site is because I think that most people here are informed and do try their hardest for the kids.  The whole original point of my argument is that, "I would stay away from frivolous formula".   Mostly because I've known way too many women that start with one or two bottles and quickly abandon breastfeeding all together.  I do think that using formula to get sleep or to go out with friends is probably frivolous.  I can't help but think that.

(bolded mine) Formula may not be equal to breastmilk but make no mistake, it is a healthy food and will sustain a child through infancy.

It worked for you =/= It's right

So you're essentially implying that any choices aside from the ones you've made are child abuse?
 

[Abraisme]

I find it fascinating that someone who "does not judge" would spend so much time online judging me.  I can accept that different people have different views on things.  I have never pointed my finger at anyone here online.  I gave my broad opinion and was attacked for it.  All I wanted was to do was help the OP avoid falling into a breastfeeding boobie-trap and end up making a choice she might regret.  The statistics show that there is A LOT of frivolous baby formula being used in our country.  It's not my opinion, it's a fact.

I'm going to step away from this conversation now, because it's really not productive in any way.  I hope we can all leave this with no hard feelings.  Best wishes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by berry987 

Actually, I see this quite the opposite. There is far too much judgement in our society - especially among the educated, "thoughtful" bunch who view their choices as the ONLY way to raise a child. As I said before, aside from abuse or neglect, there are many ways to raise a child well. Breastfed, bottlefed, SAH or WOH, carried or pushed in a stroller, etc. You are apparently taking it upon yourself to judge everyone out there who you don't see being judged enough. Maybe the woman you know who said she quit breastfeeding because she didn't like it knows you were judging her and just didn't want to get into it. I wouldn't want to engage with you in a conversation about MY choices because you obviously have narrow views of what makes a good choice.

Struggling with breastfeeding for six weeks pales in comparison to what many women go through to breastfeed. A close friend of mine had mastitis over and over again for the first six months of DS3s life, dealt with serious low supply, and was working full time as a PA in the ER which required 12 hr shifts at a time (to support her family, in case you're planning to judge her). She'd pump in patient rooms with almost no privacy and then come home on her days off and he would turbo nurse to get her supply back up (and she has two other small children). I fed with a SFS for the first six months of my DS1s life (and four months for my next two children) all the while knowing I was producing absolutely no breastmilk (not to mention the domperidone and herbal remedies I took). But you know what? When someone asks me if I breastfed my first child I say "no" because he didn't actually get any breastmilk from me and he is a robust, healthy, bright six year old now. Early on I'd say "yes" because I thought people would judge me. But I got tired of people asking me that and then saying "Oh good" or "Well that must be why he's never sick!" Because the truth is, formula does the job too! So if you met me and asked about my breastfeeding history, I'd probably give you the short answer "they were formula fed" because I don't go into my personal history with people I don't know well and because I am proud of my healthy, strong formula fed kids. Would I trade my experience for being able to breastfeed? In a heartbeat. But I know enough not to go around judging other people for how they feed/raise/etc. their children.

[berry987]

Abraisme - Who is judging you? Contradicting you is not judging you. If you post on online forums aggressively denouncing certain people and their choices you have to be prepared to take some heat. 

[rhiOrion]

Originally Posted by Abraisme  I think that feeding your kids junk food, voluntarily putting an infant in daycare, letting an infant cio, refusing to research, etc are all forms of child neglect.  I know what it's like to extend yourself past comfort for your own child, I don't see a lot women doing this.

DDCC

Do WHAT now?  You've got to be freakin' kidding me.  Daycare is a form of neglect?  What's your definition of voluntary?   I work full time.  Could I quit my job and pull her out of day care?  Sure.  But we'd have to sell our house, which would probably use up all of our savings, and probably still barely get by. I'd rather be sane, financially comfortable, and be able to eventually start building savings for our future, which includes HER future. But around here a lot of people seem to have the "unless you're living in a shack you aren't trying hard enough" mentality to WOH and daycare.  So who are you to even get to judge what is voluntary and what isn't?  How *DARE* you even suggest that I am in any way neglecting my loved, fed, snuggled, daughter because she is in daycare?  Daycare that she also loves. 

Oh yeah.  And I totally gave her a bite of a fudgecicle the other day.  You know what?  She liked it.  And I didn't feel bad about it at all.

And I'm sure you'll come back and say that this isn't what you meant, etc.  But it doesn't matter.  *You* don't get to judge what is voluntary and what is not.  You're not my conscience.

There are other things I'd say, but even with the sudden loosening of the moderation reigns I'm still fairly certain they'd get me banned.

[justamama]

Originally Posted by Abraisme  I think that feeding your kids junk food, voluntarily putting an infant in daycare, letting an infant cio, refusing to research, etc are all forms of child neglect.  I know what it's like to extend yourself past comfort for your own child, I don't see a lot women doing this

I have to respectfully disagree. The vast majority of parents I've met do the best they can with what they have. My kids do eat junk food more than I'd like, as do my husband and I. ESPECIALLY with the hyperemesis, where even eating the high calorie dense foods that tend to fall into the "whatever I can keep down" category I'm still losing weight. If I ate a diet that I would consider healthy right now,  I'd likely be even worse off, since I am having aversions to most fruits/veggies/greens and when I do try to eat them I vomit. As for the kids, they will gladly eat healthy food, but they do get snacks as well. We all do! A life without snack food is a life I don't want to live.

Daycare isn't neglect. As someone who has been a provider. I hated sending my kids to daycare over last Christmas, but I did. Including dd3, who was then 9 months. I HAD to get a part-time job, and even though friends and family kept them a lot, there were a few times we had to send them to daycare (and were able to do so for free since my mom works in the 5 year old room there). I could have not neglected the kids and stayed home with them 100% of the time, but I don't think my mortgage company would've taken my happy, healthy kids as payment on the house. And that would've kind of negated the point of me working to help provide a roof over their heads, now wouldn't it have?

I'm not a CIO advocate or fan, but I have had two dd's now that I HAD to let cry for a few minutes. They neither one were babies who nursed to sleep (this was at the 9+ month stage, where they like to assert their independence), and if they were overly tired they would cry for around five minutes before falling asleep. If I tried to lay with them during this time, especially if I tried laying with them in fact, it made things a LOT worse. They'd push me away, flail about in the bed screaming, etc. If I walked out, as much as it did kill me to do so, they were generally quiet and asleep by the time I walked down our tiny little hallway.

And comfort is subjective. It's impossible to know what a woman, or a man for that matter, is or isn't doing for their children regardless of what their choices outwardly appear to be. As someone who breastfed this last time through 4 months of milk blebs (which had me weekly digging dried milk out of my nipple with a needle until I was bleeding and pumping pink milk), food intolerances (couldn't use garlic to get rid of my sinus infections all winter and had to deal through them), multiple rounds of mastitis, and ongoing low supply issues because of everything else combined, I'd say I was past my comfort level. My other two nursed until they were 3. DD3 is weaning at 15 months. The breastfeeding journey I've been on with her has taught me more than the six years of nursing I had before her ever did. I will NEVER judge a woman who has tried and been unsuccessful at breastfeeding. I don't know her story. Maybe she is nursing, and the bottle is of pumped milk because she has to use an SNS with donor milk due to low supply and she isn't comfortable using it in public. Maybe she is on a medication that truly is incompatible with nursing (and I know very few are, but some of them are). Maybe she had to be separated from her baby due to a medical emergency after the birth and didn't get to get a good start at nursing. Maybe she was sexually abused and finds that as non-sexual as nursing is, it still brings on a trigger for her and she's unable to do so. Other situations (using disposable diapers, putting a baby in a crib and walking away when you're at the end of your rope, not babywearing, being a working mom, etc) are just as multi-faceted. Unless we've been privy to a mom's personal journey, judgement is completely inappropriate.

[Jaimee]

I have hesitated to step into this, but I feel a little like Abra has been thrown under the bus for her original comment.   I may disagree with some other comments that have been made, but I want to pull this back to the intent of the OP to get advice for first time moms.

I believe the sentiment was that it can be quite easy to give up on breastfeeding or feel as though you had to stop if you run into complications, and that breastfeeding is worth the effort of getting help and trying to overcome issues if you can.  This is something I tell my first time mom friends all the time.  I had breastfeeding complications too.  I fell into some common "booby traps" too.  I needed help and support and it was not the easiest to find when I knew no mothers near me who were breastfeeding or even had breastfed in the past.  If I had known someone that could have advised me where to get help and/or given me tips and encouragement, that period would have been so much easier.  I try to be that person for my new mommy friends now.  I think it is so important to try and pass the knowledge and the wisdom on to others b/c so many of us did not grow up around breastfeeding. I think it is important that first time moms know that most women can successfully breastfeed, but that complications are not uncommon and need immediate attention. 

My response here is in no way intended to address major complications (including financial and emotional ones).  I am not addressing those that battled with their complications and eventually need to stop.  I am addressing first time mothers who have not yet tried and who often hear horror stories about breastfeeding and therefore go into it thinking it will be nearly impossible and may even wonder if it's worth trying at all.

I think it's so important to remember how impressionable we all were as first time moms and how little parenting knowledge and experience we had at the beginning compared to what we know now.  Of course this journey is a continuous learning process- I would never claim to know everything or that there is only one right way for everyone.  But I have to admit that on my journey I have judged.  I truly try to suppress my judgement, but with issues close to my heart it is difficult for me.  I try my hardest not to let my judgement come through in my tone or body language when interacting, but I DO try to impart information if I feel it would be well received. 

I have come to forums like this for information.  I am part of other groups for information.  I seek information b/c that is my personality.  If I learn about an alternative way of doing things that works better for me and my family then I will embrace it.  Many of the members of this forum are the same way.  Case in point is our OP who came here for helpful information.  But there are many others that will not seek out the research or new ways of doing things and simply continue doing what they were taught from those around them and thus some things are perpetuated that should not be.  So I think it is important for those of us that have sought out the information to pass along the merits of some of these alternatives so that others can benefit from our research and consider other ideas.  I'm not talking about "converting" others to MY way of doing things.  I'm talking about exposing them to another way that could end up being right for them, too.  Often this can be done by example, but sometimes the offer of sending along some helpful websites or articles is appreciated.  I'm sure there have been times when moms have felt judged by these offers.  But I also know that many moms have thanked me profusely for the information.  And I know that I have been immensely grateful for information that has been imparted to me through my contact with more knowledgeable mamas.   I never would have tried wraps or baby-led weaning or elimination communication.  I may have stopped breastfeeding at a year b/c everyone else around me had stopped well before that.  I might have spanked my children b/c that is how I grew up.  I know I would have fully vaccinated my children and circumcised my son.  I didn't know it any differently.  

So my point here is, when someone asks for information or seems in a position to receive information, I think it is vital that information be passed along.  Judging is a natural part of human nature and part of the decision making process.  I certainly do not advocating taking it to the level of attack or flaming, but I do think that without some judgment no one would ever make a different decision than the status quo.  I think it is important that in communities like this forum that different viewpoints are expressed and sometimes those viewpoints will be a bit shocking.  Sometimes those viewpoints will be offensive to some.  I think it's challenging to hear all these viewpoints.  I think it's important to be shocked sometimes.  It makes me think about my own decisions.  It makes me judge myself and decide if what I'm doing truly is the best for me and my family.  I want to hear from the die hard breastfeeding advocate that thinks solids shouldn't be introduced until over a year of age or the person that believes diapers are child abuse.  I also want to hear from the opposing sides.  I want to hear it all so that my decision can be well informed.  I hope the discussion can keep going with lots of great information and lots of different viewpoints, but without anyone feeling as though they are being attacked for their decisions and opinions.

[octanebeetle27]

Amen Jaimee! Agree with your whole post!! Thanks for posting it :)

[Ablemec]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

I have hesitated to step into this, but I feel a little like Abra has been thrown under the bus for her original comment.   I may disagree with some other comments that have been made, but I want to pull this back to the intent of the OP to get advice for first time moms.

I believe the sentiment was that it can be quite easy to give up on breastfeeding or feel as though you had to stop if you run into complications, and that breastfeeding is worth the effort of getting help and trying to overcome issues if you can.  This is something I tell my first time mom friends all the time.  I had breastfeeding complications too.  I fell into some common "booby traps" too.  I needed help and support and it was not the easiest to find when I knew no mothers near me who were breastfeeding or even had breastfed in the past.  If I had known someone that could have advised me where to get help and/or given me tips and encouragement, that period would have been so much easier.  I try to be that person for my new mommy friends now.  I think it is so important to try and pass the knowledge and the wisdom on to others b/c so many of us did not grow up around breastfeeding. I think it is important that first time moms know that most women can successfully breastfeed, but that complications are not uncommon and need immediate attention. 

My response here is in no way intended to address major complications (including financial and emotional ones).  I am not addressing those that battled with their complications and eventually need to stop.  I am addressing first time mothers who have not yet tried and who often hear horror stories about breastfeeding and therefore go into it thinking it will be nearly impossible and may even wonder if it's worth trying at all.

I think it's so important to remember how impressionable we all were as first time moms and how little parenting knowledge and experience we had at the beginning compared to what we know now.  Of course this journey is a continuous learning process- I would never claim to know everything or that there is only one right way for everyone.  But I have to admit that on my journey I have judged.  I truly try to suppress my judgement, but with issues close to my heart it is difficult for me.  I try my hardest not to let my judgement come through in my tone or body language when interacting, but I DO try to impart information if I feel it would be well received. 

I have come to forums like this for information.  I am part of other groups for information.  I seek information b/c that is my personality.  If I learn about an alternative way of doing things that works better for me and my family then I will embrace it.  Many of the members of this forum are the same way.  Case in point is our OP who came here for helpful information.  But there are many others that will not seek out the research or new ways of doing things and simply continue doing what they were taught from those around them and thus some things are perpetuated that should not be.  So I think it is important for those of us that have sought out the information to pass along the merits of some of these alternatives so that others can benefit from our research and consider other ideas.  I'm not talking about "converting" others to MY way of doing things.  I'm talking about exposing them to another way that could end up being right for them, too.  Often this can be done by example, but sometimes the offer of sending along some helpful websites or articles is appreciated.  I'm sure there have been times when moms have felt judged by these offers.  But I also know that many moms have thanked me profusely for the information.  And I know that I have been immensely grateful for information that has been imparted to me through my contact with more knowledgeable mamas.   I never would have tried wraps or baby-led weaning or elimination communication.  I may have stopped breastfeeding at a year b/c everyone else around me had stopped well before that.  I might have spanked my children b/c that is how I grew up.  I know I would have fully vaccinated my children and circumcised my son.  I didn't know it any differently.  

So my point here is, when someone asks for information or seems in a position to receive information, I think it is vital that information be passed along.  Judging is a natural part of human nature and part of the decision making process.  I certainly do not advocating taking it to the level of attack or flaming, but I do think that without some judgment no one would ever make a different decision than the status quo.  I think it is important that in communities like this forum that different viewpoints are expressed and sometimes those viewpoints will be a bit shocking.  Sometimes those viewpoints will be offensive to some.  I think it's challenging to hear all these viewpoints.  I think it's important to be shocked sometimes.  It makes me think about my own decisions.  It makes me judge myself and decide if what I'm doing truly is the best for me and my family.  I want to hear from the die hard breastfeeding advocate that thinks solids shouldn't be introduced until over a year of age or the person that believes diapers are child abuse.  I also want to hear from the opposing sides.  I want to hear it all so that my decision can be well informed.  I hope the discussion can keep going with lots of great information and lots of different viewpoints, but without anyone feeling as though they are being attacked for their decisions and opinions.

Jaimee - I agree, to a point.  It's important to have different opinions that foster discussion so that informed decisions can be made.  However, you also say "I think it's so important to remember how impressionable we all were as first time moms and how little parenting knowledge and experience we had at the beginning compared to what we know now."  I agree.  I am one of those impressionable first time moms.  I come here for information, as my previous posts indicate, but sometimes the tenor of the conversations can be chilling.  There is a big difference between "breastfeeding can be hard.  You may feel a strong desire to give up because you think [I can't do it; I'm doing it wrong; it's too painful/incovenient/uncomfortable].  Don't give up.  The rewards are worth the sacrifice"  and "if you don't sleep deprive yourself/make your breasts bleed/cut yourself off from the rest of society/quit your job in order to breatfeed exclusively you are abusing your child."  The former promotes conversation and is helpful.  The latter makes new moms like me who don't know what's up feel shame, guilt, and most importantly a strong desire not to engage in further conversation.  I'm not here to be told I'm doing everything right, and if someone has a different opinion I definitely want to hear it.  What I would like to avoid is the "my way or the highway" approach some aspects of this conversation have taken on.  It's not a discussion, it's a fiat that I am (or a hypothetical mother in my similar situation is) a bad mother.  That's not helpful to anyone.

[Gemini529]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

So my point here is, when someone asks for information or seems in a position to receive information, I think it is vital that information be passed along.  Judging is a natural part of human nature and part of the decision making process.  I certainly do not advocating taking it to the level of attack or flaming, but I do think that without some judgment no one would ever make a different decision than the status quo.  I think it is important that in communities like this forum that different viewpoints are expressed and sometimes those viewpoints will be a bit shocking.  Sometimes those viewpoints will be offensive to some.  I think it's challenging to hear all these viewpoints.  I think it's important to be shocked sometimes.  It makes me think about my own decisions.  It makes me judge myself and decide if what I'm doing truly is the best for me and my family.  I want to hear from the die hard breastfeeding advocate that thinks solids shouldn't be introduced until over a year of age or the person that believes diapers are child abuse.  I also want to hear from the opposing sides.  I want to hear it all so that my decision can be well informed.  I hope the discussion can keep going with lots of great information and lots of different viewpoints, but without anyone feeling as though they are being attacked for their decisions and opinions.

I do agree that Abra already retracted her statement about the study so we should probably just let that one go.  But I have actually found this discussion interesting.  Yes, it's interesting to see a shocking viewpoint such as Abraisme's.  She is making some pretty outlandish claims in her attempts to clarify what she originally intended to say.  And because of that, she should expect people to jump in and argue about it.  Unfortunately, on this site, a lot of times the extreme opinion gets heard, and then as soon as someone jumps in and tries to go on the defense, everyone is told to stop arguing and be nice or the thread will be closed/locked/deleted, whatever.  Sure, I'd like to hear what she has to say. I'd also like to hear the arguments against it.  And maybe even jump in with a few of my own.  

And I think people are getting a little too defensive about their struggles and eventual giving up when it comes to BFing.  Abraisme already said she understands when a woman tries and tries and it just doesn't work.  What she disagrees with is when a woman doesn't even bother to try.  Personally, it doesn't bother me that much when a mom tells me she didn't BF.  If she didn't do it because she just didn't want to do it, I can almost relate to it.  I was not one of those women who enjoyed BFing (at first, anyway...I came to appreciate the benefits after a few months).  I have always been uncomfortable with my breasts, and never liked the idea of having to focus so much of my life on them.  They are, um, big....and have always been a big attractor when it comes to men, so it was difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea that they were now functioning for another purpose.  I decided to push past my discomfort because I wanted to.   I knew it was healthier for the baby and I knew it was something my mom did for me.  However, I am ok with a woman who doesn't have it in her to do that.  

One of my friends didn't breastfeed because she hates having her breasts touched at all. I guess she's just super sensitive.  

What I am not really ok with is when a woman doesn't breastfeed because she finds it gross or weird or perverted.  That is an ignorant view in my opinion.  But I guess she is entitled to feel the way that she feels....as long as she doesn't project that openly onto women who are BFing.

And as far as research goes, research can lead mothers in very different directions when it comes to parenting.  Just ask anyone who follows the Ferber method.  My friend actually has come to the conclusion that it's better for the baby to cry it out for a few nights because once he figures out how to fall asleep, he will get better sleep and be more well rested. There are plenty of people who feel this way and I don't think they aren't doing their best.  I personally cannot handle listening to my baby cry so I let him sleep with me.  Lots of my friends think I'm just being lazy and should put in the effort to get him in his crib.  Maybe I am lazy?  

I actually think this argument is a good thing for the OP to read because this is what parenting is like nowadays.  There will always be someone judging you and telling you that what you are doing is wrong. There are so many different ways to parent a child.  Do what works for YOU and your baby.  

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by Ablemec 

It's important to have different opinions that foster discussion so that informed decisions can be made.  However, you also say "I think it's so important to remember how impressionable we all were as first time moms and how little parenting knowledge and experience we had at the beginning compared to what we know now."  I agree.  I am one of those impressionable first time moms.  I come here for information, as my previous posts indicate, but sometimes the tenor of the conversations can be chilling. 

I totally understand and agree.  I have actually had this discussion with a few mothers before, trying to tactfully suggest to them that they preface their posts and/or soften them a bit so that their points can be better received.  I try to do this with my posts b/c I want others to feel welcome and I want my message to be heard, not dismissed as condescending, "the only right way," or combative.  In fact, I have admit I've wasted quite a bit of my valuable free time fretting, stewing, and mulling over posts b/c of the tone others have used or unintended reactions my own words have caused.  It's unfortunate, but a reality of online forums where intelligent, opinionated women converge.  As Gemini mentioned, this is actually a helpful thing for first time moms to observe b/c it is a reality.  It really took me some time (and I'm still working on it) to figure out how to effectively communicate with other moms about heated issues.  And I'm at the point now where I can take things less personally, most of the time.   

But at the same time I DO want to hear those shocking viewpoints, hopefully expressed in a way that doesn't blame, simply impart.  If I didn't want to be challenged in my thinking I could go hang out on a different forum.  We all hear and see the mainstream ideas around us everyday.  Women come here b/c it's an excellent source of information about alternative ways of doing things.  So when your friend says she's done her research by reading Ferber, I say that's not thorough research- it's a start- but now she needs to read the other side in order to really consider all the sides of that issue.  

[mommy2be2011]

this is a great topic, i was just browsing on here for tips or anything to keep in mind once i have a first baby. Most of this info i haven't heard, great advice mommas. =]

[midwifema]

arms reach co-sleeper has one for lower beds!

http://www.armsreach.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=3_18_24&products_id=136

[KaliShanti]

Things I wish I would have know (let's get it back to the original purpose of the thread!)

-Co-sleeping is not for every mom or baby. Some babies do better in their own bassinet & some sleep even better than that in their own rooms! I can still respond just as easily (or more easily because I'm getting better sleep too) if babe is not in my bed.

- There is a big learning curve to breastfeeding. It's ok.

- Try out your own parenting philosophies and don't be married to one. Be flexible and let yourself change if you want.

- I can still be partial AP and partial not. It's ok ;)

-Wish I'd learned more about circumsicion.

[SunflowerRae]

My baby screamed in the car seat for the first month - two months. Slowly it has improved, we can car ride for about 35-40 minutes now before a breakdown occurs, and here are the things we did to cope:

1. Bounce the car seat in the car. Ours has some vertical give, so we could bounce it up and down and this seemed to distract/calm her. Daddy discovered this.

2. Bump the Music. Whatever you have that has some bass to it, turn it up. Worked like a charm, daddy discovered this one too. I was concerned about baby's hearing but didn't think it was great for her to scream for 20 minutes or more whenever we would need to drive somewhere either. Now I can play lullabies and they work too.

3. Talk to your baby. Who knows if they can understand you but I have noticed that when I tell my baby what I need to do she is more obedient to allow it to happen.

4. Leave baby in the car seat. I know sounds completely counter to what you want to do. But my Father-in-law suggested that carrying the baby bucket to and from the car with her in it might help. AND BOY DID IT!! My instinct was to immediately GET HER OUT OF THAT HORRIBLE TORTURE DEVICE! - lol - but once we started putting her in the car seat inside the house, swinging her while in it, and then placing her in the car, AND when you arrive to destination, keep her in car seat, remove baby in car seat, swing/walk to destination, then once you are where you will be remove baby; and now i even leave her in it for a couple minutes while not in motion so she sees that it is okay. I noticed that she would stop crying as soon as the car seat was in motion (ie. swinging in our arms, or walking motion). I think it has to do with the positive association with soothing motions vs "oh no i'm getting strapped down again" thinking for the baby.

[Butter is Better]

Hi KaliShanti,

Can I ask what you wish you had known about circ?

We are leaning towards not circ....especially after my husband watched a video on youtube showing the procedure :(
 

Originally Posted by KaliShanti 

Things I wish I would have know (let's get it back to the original purpose of the thread!)

-Wish I'd learned more about circumsicion.