Nervous About Sharing the "News"

[Butter is Better]

I am coming up on the end of my 1st trimester and am kinda dreading making the news public.

My husband and I are estatic to be expecting our first baby, but I am a very private person and I am dreading all the questions, advice...people staring at my belly trying to see if there is a bump etc.

I am also having a lot of anxiety thinking about what will happen once the baby is born. My husband has a massive extended family and I can see them all wanting to see the baby...which is nice I guess...I just don't want people coming to my house for hours while I am bleeding...trying to learn how to breastfeed...tired etc... oh and our baby is due in November so I have moments where I start to stress out about people coming into our home wanting to held the baby with all their germs!!!

Yes, I know I sound a little crazy! But it's what I feel!

[AnnieA]

If you aren't showing, I would wait. I wish we had waited longer and we didn't tell until I was 14 weeks. But looking back, I would have preferred to wait until at least 20 weeks.

[Butter is Better]

AnnieA,

That is a good suggestion, as I am not showing much. Did you wish you had waited until 20 weeks to tell everyone including friends and extended family?

I figure once I tell close friends and extended family it will spread pretty quickly (especially since we are some of the 1st of our friends to get pregnant)

[AnnieA]

I wish that we had waited mostly with family. My mother went in to freak-out mode and was calling me almost daily wanting to talk about things that needed to get done before the baby was born. This is my first pregnancy after a miscarriage and it wasn't until I started regularly feeling the baby move after about 20 weeks that I felt comfortable with the idea that I may just end up with a baby in July. So talking about cleaning projects and things my mom could do to help me after the baby was born seriously stressed me out. My friends were fine but I wish I had waited longer with my coworkers. They see me every day and after about the 4th or 5th day of "How are you feeling? How are things going", I was ready to scream. But that could have just been the hormones!

[akind1]

My first was a November baby, and the major concern for me was extended family + germs + holiday season - lots of visiting. Thankfully we found that people who were sick, chose to stay away, and nearly everyone was, so we didn't have many visitors. I was actually a little bored and lonely. DH was there, of course, but I would have loved a little more company.

For the holidays, well, since I was breastfeeding, it was an excellent reason to be holding the baby for the majority of the time, also since he was so recently born, a good reason to keep visits short. If you are up for travel, going to someone else's house lets you control a little bit more as far as how long you stay. Also meant I didn't have to worry about entertaining or cleaning all the time. (I am not a homebody, so I was more than willing to get out of the house a bit)

Some also find wearing the baby in a wrap or pouch also precludes an awful lot of the holding and touching; if baby is comfortable and content in there, people can't just reach out and grab them.

As far as when to tell . . . I preferred to tell people than have them guess, especially with a first baby. I like having the element of surprise. We told everyone right away with DS. with the current pregnancy, we have just sort of told as we went along. I will be 20 weeks next week, and there are still some at work who don't know. Our family all does. (as does anyone on facebook). We are so happy about the news; to keep it in is just not in us. but I know plenty of people who would rather wait.

[Butter is Better]

AKind1,

Great tips, I am planning on BF & baby wearing so hopefully that will help.

Honestly my in laws are the ones putting MAJOR pressure on us to let them share the news. If it were up to me I would wait to tell extended family and our larger group of friends until I was showing.

We shall see....

[sarahtar]

If you don't want to tell yet, then don't. You don't even have to tell once you start showing, if you dress right. We waited with DD until I was 20 + weeks to tell anyone at all, and I like it that way. I'm private, too, and honestly just don't want to talk about it with the whole world.

Re: large extended family. Let him handle this, but just be really clear on the rules. People are welcome to stop by for a quick visit to bring a meal and see the baby briely, but your family is trying to adjust and privacy is appreciated. Let him be in charge of shooing people out after 5 minutes, and feel freel to limit how soon, how often, how many visits. Stick a note on your door that says "thanks for stopping by. We are resting now. Please feel free to leave a meal here by the door. We'll call you when we're ready for visitors" and then DON'T answer the door! (I mean, there's no rule that says you have to answer the door just because you're home - and you don't have to answer the phone, either.

[Smokering]

I feel your pain. The public aspect of pregnancy has been almost the worst part for me, both times. The comments, the sizing me up, the patting... Do Not Like.

On the other hand, waiting too long to tell can backfire as well. Quite a lot of people (especially women) have a bit of a sixth sense about pregnancy; and even if you're not showing bump-wise, you might have subtle skin changes, a generally squishier appearance or whatever that will clue people in. So you might actually get more unwanted attention if people suspect and start giving you sidelong glances. :p If they're really tactless, they'll ask about it. So... yeah. With your first baby, if you're not prone to fainting/looking nauseated in public, it's possible you can get away scot-free for 15-16 weeks or even longer; but I wouldn't absolutely count on it, you know?

On the other hand, if you have the guts for it, you can blithely not tell people right up until the birth, and freeze any inquires with a distant icy death-stare. :)

Good luck!

[Lega]

Summer is comming and its easier to hide the bump with the dresses or shirts :)

I think you should listen to your heart,,,I told my cooworkers because at my workplace we depend on each other and I didn't want anyone get mad at me if do or don't do something. Beside that I have total support of my managment because they know how much I went true till I finally got pregnant,,,

Now family its different,,,firstable, we made them wait for so long so them all obsesed about this baby thing and I don't want anybody to get exited and then upset if something goes wrong. About visiting and advices- I never let other people to tell me what to do and always stop unwanted actions or attention right away when it starts. Its nothing wrong to tell people "I know you have a lot expierence but let me do this my way and I will ask you if I have any Q",,,or "Please, make sure you call before you come to visit and have in mind that baby is very weak yet"....Now you need to worry about yourself and the baby, not how to please family and friends and if they don't get it, oh well, it's their problem.

[Shami]

For after the birth...hide out in your bedroom with the baby while people are there.  As soon as you hear the knock at the door, run to the bedroom!  Hubby can tell them you are sleeping with the baby.  If you get caught and you need an out, the baby is the best excuse.  You need to nurse, you need to change the baby, baby needs to nap, I am not feeling well right now, etc.  

Don't be afraid to ask people to wash their hands before holding or touching the baby.  I personally never ask to hold or touch someone's newborn...I just don't want to spread my germs even if I am not sick.  I don't understand people who don't think about this  (scratching head)!

You could make a general statement to all that you want two weeks alone with your baby and your dh in order to rest and bond with your baby.  Have your dh filter the calls if he is good at that.

In the hospital, I told the nurses  to send visitors away...I was that exhausted!

[APToddlerMama]

OP I have no advice for you on hiding the bump and waiting to tell people.  I am pregnant with #2 and only 9.5 weeks and in hiding because I have a huge huge huge bump already that will immediately be given away the second I step out in public.  I am at a really high risk of m/c so I definitely don't want anyone to know, and even so, friends are asking other friends if I am pregnant and where I've been.

As for the in-laws...I hear you loud and clear on that.  With my son, my in-laws were a total pain and I let them have way too much time with us and baby.  I still regret this and feel angry about it.  I have to have a hospital birth for various reasons, and I have decided that the day after this baby is born, or the day were are going home (most likely will be staying 48 hours), we will let anyone/everyone come.  Probably there will end up being a ridiculous amount of people in our room since we won't allow anyone earlier.  That will mean that not everyone can man handle my baby or make a big deal of it because there will be lots of other people who want a "turn."  I plan to limit those visitors to maybe two hours tops because then obviously "baby needs to eat" so everyone will have to leave.  Then I plan on not letting anyone visit for 2-4 weeks, depending on who they are, how much they stress me out, and how I am feeling, how breastfeeding is going, etc. 

You have to set boundaries right away, clearly, and stick to them.  Many grandparents have all sorts of delusions about what their lives are going to be like with "their" new baby.  If I made one mistake, it was waiting too long to clear up those delusions.  Having boundaries from day one would have been a great thing.  Good luck.  Don't stress...make a plan with hubby and stick to it.  They can only invade your space if you let them.