Terrible, No Good, Tantrums

[ktricke]

Someone must have stolen my sweet baby and replaced her with a fierce monster, HELP!!!!!!!!! My DD is 20months old and her tantrums have escilated to the point of no return. My pediatrician told me when she was 9mo old that she knew I would have my hands full. She was a very calm and easy baby, easier than my firts born DS who is now 4. Right around her first birthday I noticed she had figured out how to get her way by fussing or pouting. Being the only DD, my husband felt the need to have a DD daddys girl and therefore gave into her every concern and need, never telling her no and making excuses for her behavior. I am a stay at home mom, doing daycare for about 5 other children also. I often find myself doing things for her that she can do for herself but she simply refuses to. She will tell me no mommy, I can't get it, you get it. And I have come to the point where instead of listening to her tantrum, which I know is coming, I simply get it for her due to the fact that I have many other children to tend to at the same time. I have tried everything from removal of the situation, to timeout corners, to comforting, to just plain ignoring the situation. It has gotten to the point that I can't stop them from coming or seem to get her to calm down until I give in. They happen on average 5 to 7 times a day. Kicking, screaming until she is red in the face and almost vomiting, and pulling on me. I have almost completely stopped telling her no as she has started to be manipulative in ways that are unimaginable to me. For instance, during a fit I would put her in a time out, and she woould get up afterwards and run to my husband and tell him that I bit her, when clearly I haven't (who would do that to thier child!?) I'm totally at a loss as to why she would say things like that, and most times I am embarassed and even hurt that she would lie about such cruel things. I can clearly see everyone, including me, in my home is to blame for 'spoiling the princess' but how do I turn it around? Please don't tell me it is too late and that I have aquired a doting princess to take care of for the next 18years, as I'm not sure my sanity can take much more! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bokonon]

Wow, she sounds awfully advanced for 20 months old if she can already lie and say that someone hit her.  Most 20 month olds are just starting to put together simple phrases about their needs ("want milk", "play ball", etc).

Have you considered therapy for the whole family?

[ktricke]

Forgive me, I meant to say she was 30 mo old... I suppose that would make a very big difference. No, we haven't considered counseling I guess I never thought it was necessary. I was hoping her lying didn't mean she was feeling threatened or in an unsafe environment simply because we are a very affectionate and loving family, kisses and hugs every day and always making sure to say I love you on a consistant basis. I have never spanked my children nor have I used physical restraint, so that's why I am at a total loss as to her outrageuos stories...

[beebalmmama]

I was going to say the same thing about how she seems advanced. My first ds was only saying single words or 2 word sentences.

I remember with my first ds, telling people that 18 months was the toughest age (I had no idea about 4 yrs at that point). I also recall often trying stop ds's tantrums or prevent them. Now that ds 2 is here and has just reached that wonderful stage (he's 17 months now). Honestly I know I can't stop it and develpmentally it's bound to happen regardless of personality. My boys are pretty different and this hasn't changed the tantrums.

Yeah it sounds like you've probably made things worse by giving in as often as you have. My first suggestion would be to start standing your ground when you refuse something or say no. This will be much easier to deal with these tantrum now then if you continue to give in and your dealing with these issues at 2, 3, 4 yrs. I know it's tough to listen to the screaming and all else that comes with it but she needs to learn there are boundaries to what she can and can't have, do, etc.... As far as the manipulative responses. She may already have been learning that certain behavior gets her things. As long as you and dh know this already I think you could start directly addressing it with her. As in "Dd you know mommy loves you and would never bite you. But when you do xyz you need to sit in the time out place and take a break." You also need to make sure that your dh is on board with boundaries too. Because it sounds like if she's running to him to "tattle" on you. She knows that she's more likely to get what she wants from him.

[Skycircler]

Acknowledge yourself for recognizing the problem and seeking assistance.  It is never too late, although the sooner such problems are addressed the more quickly they will turn around.  You can certainly accomplish your goal of helping dd to learn how to deal with her feelings appropriately.

You seem quite aware that dd's behaviors have been reinforced by you and dh.  The only thing to do is to diligently discontinue this reinforcement without fail;  by both of you holding your ground of course.  When things have gotten to this point, there's no pretending it will be easy, because it won't be - but it is can be done.  And with consistency, for a 30 month old, this can turn around faster than you would think.  

First, get dh on the same page.  If he doesn't see what you're talking about videotape dd's behaviors.  Secondly, you will both need to steel yourselves for outrageous and protracted tantrums for a while.  Thirdly, have an intentional plan as to how you will address dd's tantrums, from beginning to end.  You will need to prepare.  (see below)  When you begin to see your daughter's anger rising at her desires being thwarted, remain calm.  Remember she is just expressing her feelings and trying to get what she wants (all normal), but she has not yet learned to do that appropriately.  Get down to eye level and make eye contact.  Slowly, calmly, and genuinely validate her feelings, "You are very angry that ________.  Sometimes it's hard to wait your turn or not have something that you want (or whatever). I love you and will help you to learn.  If and when, the tantrum nevertheless escalates, do not engage with dd until she calms down.  Definitely, do not try to reason with her when she is irrational.  If possible, remind her once or twice, "When you are calm and ready to  ______, Mommy will be ready to give you a big hug."  Lastly, be prepared to wait it out without giving in - however long that takes.  With very strong willed children this can take a while. 

Since you are often caring for other children, this certainly puts you in difficult situation, and makes it nearly impossible for you to do what is necessary for the other children and, at the same time, handle dd's tantrums with the necessary patience, consistency, and determination.   At least until you can get the situation under control (perhaps several months), it would be best to try to find an assistant (perhaps a teenager out of school for the summer)  who can handle the needs of the other children, while you handle your dd.  It will probably be best to physically remove dd from the group setting, perhaps into a relatively safe room.  As long as you are not being physically attacked, you may stay in this room with her, but do your best to stay calm.  Turn on some music, look at a magazine, or work on your laptop or whatever is necessary to stay calm, yet disengaged, until dd is calm enough to approach you for acceptance and reassurance.  When needed, be sure that dd does what was originally required.  Say, "Are you ready now to eat your sandwich by sitting at the table (or whatever)?"  If she indicates that she is,  give her positive reinforcement i.e. hug and smile (always at eye level), and calmly lead her back to the situation.  Make sure to gauge whether or not she is truly calm enough to rejoin the group.  Wait until she is.  Do not reprimand or punish.  Do not hold a grudge.

With your consistency and patience, your dd will grow past this challenge, and you will grow in confidence as her mom.  Best wishes.  Happy Mother's Day.

[D_McG]

I agree that you need to get your DH on board to stop reinforcing the behavior. It won't be easy but she's so young. She'll adjust. Be prepared for lots of drama but if you hold firm she'll learn the new rules!