Fostering Independence in a very needy infant

[Sherilyns]

I have a high needs 7 month old who is very demanding and in need of constant attention. She will cry if presented with a challenge or if we leave her alone on the floor or if someone else besides me, dh, or the main lady at the part-time daycare is not with her. We AP and are doing what works for us. 

I am getting really interested in Montessori and am reading Montessori from birth to age 3. It talks a lot about fostering independence, but I don't know how to go about doing that with my child. I feel like I may need to just let her cry it out and leave her by herself sometimes and see what happens. The problem is she escalates her crying. So a little fall when crawling if not distracted right away will lead to an all out meltdown.

Does anyone have any experience with a needy child and Montessori? Is there anything I can do to increase her independence without her feeling abandoned by us? Any tips? 

[sapphire_chan]

The way you get an independent child at the age when it is appropriate is by keeping them close when it is appropriate. Use a sling so your baby can be right on you and see what you are doing. It is utterly vital to verbal development that the child be close to adults and adult conversation. That the child be close to a parent so they can tell what the parent is talking about and the parent can note the child's interests and talk about those things. Montessori said at one point that she thought all parents should use baby slings because they put babies right into daily life.

It's also vital to confidence that the child has a strong secure base from which to do explorations when it is developmentally appropriate.

Some kids do need to cry to work out their feelings and will cry briefly and move on, but even for those kids that only applies to  some situations and sources of frustration.

There's a book out there, author Lilliard Polk that talks about weaning at 9 months and using a heavy table the kid can't get out of for feeding meals, I've been told by people that slogged through it that the book has useful ideas for ages 2+, but for the under 2 set the book is worse than useless. Montessori is quite clear that the place for a baby to toddler is with mama (in our time, papas and other trusted caregivers are good too). Forcing a separation won't improve matters.

Heh, hit submit before giving you any actually helpful info.

What I'd do is play independent games with her at her level and her pace. For instance, peek-a-boo is a good way to experiment with a care giver going away without them really leaving. And if it's too scary (for instance it might be fine at first, then get too scary around 9 months, then be okay again) then it can be played with a teddy bear hiding and reappearing. Show her a bag and a toy she likes and put the toy into the bag and let her sit on your lap and try to work out how to get the toy.

When she tries something and has trouble, e.g. falling while trying to crawl, come to her as you see her fall. "You fell! You will be okay, do you need me to hold you?" for us, dd would either still start to cry or would carry on. And for the past few months I can swoop her up for a quick kiss and put her down to play. And in the last few days she'll actually tell me "I don't need a kiss. I fell and bumped my knee, it hurts. I'm okay and I can keep going." (this, from a child who used to ask for nursing if she bumped a pillow.)

[Sherilyns]

Thank you so much for your reply. It was really helpful. I've been reading that Polk book and while it seemed somewhat extreme it had me questioning what I have been doing with my child. I do babywear and cosleep and she is very dependent on me, which the Polk book made me forget is a good thing.

Thanks again.

[sapphire_chan]

You're welcome! Sorry I went on a bit there, that book just really got my goat. Your instincts=good. Author who decides to apply brilliant Montessori techniques to the wrong age levels=bad.

[Redmamadeb]

I very much like Magda Gerber's Your Self Confident Baby. It's quite different from AP, but it is very respectful if the child. I wish I had read it when my son was an infant. I didn't do AP, but I did hold my son a lot and I'm still breastfeeding at 2 1/2 yrs. I think in retrospect I could have fostered his independence a little more. Montessori didn't write a lot of specifics about the 1-3 age range even though she said it is one of the most important stages. Gerber is not expressly "Montessori," but their philosophies go quite nicely together.

With the falling thing, what I did was back off a little so I could gauge my son's reaction before rushing to comfort. I might ask "what happened?" "that looks like it hurt" "ouch!" or something like that and mirror back what he said. If he's having trouble telling me what happened, i might say what i think happened like "you hit your head on the table...that hurt" followed by "are you ok?" Of course if it's obvious he's really hurt, I will hold him, etc. without a lot of questions. Then as he cools down, I might ask what happened so he can learn to process it.

Also, (keeping in mind my son is older) when he wants help or refuses to do something that I know he can do, I say "just try please" or "let me see you try." Sometimes I will offer to "do it together." I try to compliment him more on trying as opposed to succeeding. Sometimes he says he doesn't want to...this morning I said "I don't want to either" when he asked me to do it. Since he really wanted the thing, he cried a minute or so and then proceeded to do it himself (and he got it!)

Your daughter is still young; if memory serves me right, in the not too distant future you may find you're experiencing the opposite...she may want to do everything herself.

[Sherilyns]

Thank you. I just put in an order for that book from the library!

[Calliope84]

Avalon would cry if I put her on the floor until she learned to sit all by herself and get around / crawl. Now she is much happier and can play with her toys. I will leave her there until she starts fussing / crying and then I will see what she needs / wants. She just started freaking out if she sees me leave her, so I am dealing with that right now. I give her a few toys not more than 3) to keep her attention and she will play for 30-40 minutes sometimes. I just keep an eye on her. Sometimes she bumps her head lightly or rolls onto her blocks and if she doesn't cry, I don't worry. If she fusses, I'll help her and smile at her and it sometimes works to make her not care anymore. She is 5 months right now. I was just holding her while I read and ate but I was able to put her in her activity center thing until I am done. She is yelling to herself and seems OK knowing I am right next to her. I try to give her stuff to do that is interesting without being too challenging. Like, even though she could stay upright in her exersaucer thing, she wasn't ready for it until recently.She'd cry when I put her in it. Now it interests her. 

I think doing the AP thing and being very loving and answering when a baby fusses is great.... and then also giving floor time or some time alone so they can practice crawling and playing without interruption. Of course, I also play with her, too, if she is in the mood for that.

Edited by Calliope84 - 5/13/11 at 11:21am

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Calliope84 

Avalon would cry if I put her on the floor until she learned to sit all by herself and get around / crawl. Now she is much happier and can play with her toys. I will leave her there until she starts fussing / crying and then I will see what she needs / wants. She just started freaking out if she sees me leave her, so I am dealing with that right now. I give her a few toys not more than 3) to keep her attention and she will play for 30-40 minutes sometimes. I just keep an eye on her. Sometimes she bumps her head lightly or rolls onto her blocks and if she doesn't cry, I don't worry. If she fusses, I'll help her and smile at her and it sometimes works to make her not care anymore. She is 5 months right now.

I loved that stage. Then about 2 months later, dd started trying to learn to crawl and would just dive forward onto her tummy and get mad and need to be picked up--about 120 times an hour.

[Calliope84]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 



I loved that stage. Then about 2 months later, dd started trying to learn to crawl and would just dive forward onto her tummy and get mad and need to be picked up--about 120 times an hour.

Oh no... She is crawling!!! I just set up a play room for her with baby gates and babyproofed it all. She goes across the room in all directions chasing the dog and occasionally will scoot over to me and grab me so I pick her up. She does sometimes just start fussing or crying but it generally means she's had enough playing and wants to eat or sleep. I have a crib mattress on the floor in there that I am trying to get her to take naps on. She rolled off it 3x now and she cries for one second because she is startled. We have a soft floor right under it. I was hoping if she rolled off / lunged off a few times she'd start to develop awareness about edges. That sounds really awful of me, but they say that develops with crawling and I really need her to get it. She would dive right off our king size bed right now if I let her because she just doesn't have that awareness yet. I am afraid she is really going to hurt herself one of these times by falling off something high now that she won't stop moving. I thought if I give her a really safe place to try different things with her crawling, she will start to learn how it all works.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Calliope84 

Oh no... She is crawling!!! I just set up a play room for her with baby gates and babyproofed it all. She goes across the room in all directions chasing the dog and occasionally will scoot over to me and grab me so I pick her up. She does sometimes just start fussing or crying but it generally means she's had enough playing and wants to eat or sleep. I have a crib mattress on the floor in there that I am trying to get her to take naps on. She rolled off it 3x now and she cries for one second because she is startled. We have a soft floor right under it. I was hoping if she rolled off / lunged off a few times she'd start to develop awareness about edges. That sounds really awful of me, but they say that develops with crawling and I really need her to get it. She would dive right off our king size bed right now if I let her because she just doesn't have that awareness yet. I am afraid she is really going to hurt herself one of these times by falling off something high now that she won't stop moving. I thought if I give her a really safe place to try different things with her crawling, she will start to learn how it all works.

Yeah I heard that theory too. Finally, around 15 months when she was still clueless, I finally took our bed off its frame. Shortly after that she started getting deliberately on and off the bed and THEN she started being more aware of edges.

I did basically the same thing with crawling, blocked off everything unsafe and let her go to town. Just had to pay more attention to her when she was on the bed.

[Dar]

I think you wind up with independent kids when you allow them to be dependent when it's developmentally appropriate for them to be so. Seven months is a baby. She needs to know that you'll be there for her. In a few months she'll crawling or toddling away from you, and coming back to check in, and going off, and coming back... and she'll become independent all in her own time.

If you rush it, though, she won't get her dependency needs met and she'll be insecure about whether you'll really be there to come back to...

[Calliope84]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

Yeah I heard that theory too. Finally, around 15 months when she was still clueless, I finally took our bed off its frame. Shortly after that she started getting deliberately on and off the bed and THEN she started being more aware of edges.

I did basically the same thing with crawling, blocked off everything unsafe and let her go to town. Just had to pay more attention to her when she was on the bed.

Well, since I had her crib mattress on the floor and let her roll off 3x yesterday - today she cautiously went arms first and slid the rest of her self off! That is the first awareness of edges I've seen! It hasn't translated to any other surface, like our loveseat, though. Maybe I will end up putting our bed on the floor.

[livnsimply]

I know how you feel because I had the same thoughts when DD was little. She was very dependent or maybe just securely attached to me her first 3 years. I suppose it's how you look at it. We value independence so much in this culture but babies are babies. I think being dependent is appropriate at that stage. And my daughter did grow up to be independent. When she started school part time at 4, she had no problems skipping on in there with hardly a backwards glance. Maybe it was who she was, maybe it was because she was allowed to be dependent when she was little and was then ready for some independence.

I totally agree with this earlier poster:

"With the falling thing, what I did was back off a little so I could gauge my son's reaction before rushing to comfort. I might ask "what happened?" "that looks like it hurt" "ouch!" or something like that and mirror back what he said. If he's having trouble telling me what happened, i might say what i think happened like "you hit your head on the table...that hurt" followed by "are you ok?" Of course if it's obvious he's really hurt, I will hold him, etc. without a lot of questions. Then as he cools down, I might ask what happened so he can learn to process it.

"Also, (keeping in mind my son is older) when he wants help or refuses to do something that I know he can do, I say "just try please" or "let me see you try." Sometimes I will offer to "do it together." I try to compliment him more on trying as opposed to succeeding. Sometimes he says he doesn't want to...this morning I said "I don't want to either" when he asked me to do it. Since he really wanted the thing, he cried a minute or so and then proceeded to do it himself (and he got it!)"

[Shanny2032]

I agree that the way to foster independence at this age is to allow dependence.  Remember that 7 months ago she was held by you 24/7 and it was just about 4 months ago that she actually realized you ARE separate beings.  I know it is hard to have a clingy infant but I think that teaching independence at this age should be about the activities she is learning, not the act of being separated from you.  Did that make sense?  In teaching her HOW to do things at this young age (and going forward), WHEN you are present you are setting yourselves up for her to be independent when the time is right.  By teaching her to go off a mattress on the floor (I turned my daughter around and said "back back back" every. single. time) you are teaching her how to go down stairs.  By taking her with you every time you use the bathroom and wash your hands she is learning how to do these things.  By allowing her to self feed "real" food you allow her to control how much she eats, that's pretty independent.  By giving her open top cups and skipping the sippy you are avoiding having to reteach her how to drink in a year or 2!   There are lots of ways to foster independence in infants, you just need to redefine what that means.  You'll also have many set backs over the next few years that will turn you little miss independent back into mama's little baby.  A new baby, school or house will bring you back to these days and having been there done that is a good reminder of what works and what just upsets everyone.  We recently moved into a new, kind of big for us house and my very independent 2 1/2 year old pretty much won't be in a room without me.  It is HARD but I am trying to be patient and work through it with her.  Can she go to the bathroom and wash her hands all by herself?  yes, she has been doing that for a year but now she refuses because she is afraid.  Can your baby sit and play by herself for 5 minutes so you can run to the bathroom?  technically yes, but if she is fearful then walking away isn't going to change it just like no amount of refusing to take my daughter to the bathroom is going to stop her from peeing on the floor!

My daughter started walking at 9 months and never looked back but for these small blips on the radar.  Enjoy you sweet little baby while you can :)