Help with 3.5 yr. old wanting to touch, squeeze my breast

[Shami]

She weaned just before her 3rd birthday, but she still wants to sqeeze and touch my breast.  It's a little embarassing in public.  She does this mostly when she is tired.  She does this every day.  So far, I've been removing her hands and telling her please do not touch my nurses (her word for them).  Some times she will try to kiss them.  I have also tried to explain that my nurses are for babies who are nursing to get milk.  Now there is no milk in there and I do not want you to touch them.  I hate to be harsh about it, but geez! 

How would you phrase it and would you do anything more than remove her hand and explain not to touch them?  I thought she would grow out of it, but it's been over 6 months now.  Any advice is appreciated.

[Shami]

A further thought:

what i feel bad about is the fact that my breasts were a source of comfort and nourishment and bonding for her whole little life.  I don't know how to enforce this boundary without being harsh about it. Once I tried to explain it like this:  My nurses are now like private parts and you don't touch my private parts.  This doesn't sound 'right' either to me.  I just don't know how to explain it to her.

[NiteNicole]

I would stop using her word for nursing and start using the word "breasts" for one thing.  After that, I would just remove her hands and her if necessary and tell her that we don't touch people who don't want to be touched, then redirect her to something else.  Does she have a lovvie of some kind?

[mamazee]

She should know that she has the right to not allow people to touch her in ways that make her uncomfortable, so I might go from that angle. That you are now uncomfortable with her touching your breasts, and you have a right to not be touched in a way that makes you uncomfortable, and that she also has a right to not allow people to touch her in ways she finds uncomfortable. I don't think I'd discuss it beyond that. I'd just very consistently but gently enforce it until she stopped.

[VocalMinority]

Boy, I hope I don't come across as completely weird and inappropriate, here, but my 3-y-o son stopped nursing on his own ~2 and he's still not completely weaned off my breasts, as comfort objects.  This is the 1st time I've breast-fed, but it seems completely normal to me since, as you said, I *encouraged* him to think of them as the source of all comfort, for most of his little life.  I assume that, just as he weaned himself off my milk, he will eventually wean himself off wanting to stick his hand down my shirt! 

The behavior you've described sounds like him, for the 1st maybe 6 months after he quit nursing.  Now, a little over a year after he quit, he's chiefly interested in my breasts if he's really upset, hurt, scared or tired.  If we're in public, I just tell him "That's not polite in public."  If he's persistent, I might put him down, or step away from him far enough that he can't reach my chest, or - if he really needs a hug - just hug him and kind of move his hands away.  I try not to be embarrassed about it...and I reassured another embarrassed Mom in church the other day, whose toddler was doing the same thing.  So I know we're not the only ones!

But at home?  I take it as a sign that he needs some cuddling, or is ready to sleep.  Sometimes, if he's really overtired and crying for no reason, I'll lay down with him and let him put his hand on my breast and he almost always calms down right away and goes to sleep.  I realize your daughter isn't only doing this when she's tired, but I think if you don't make a big deal out of it, it will progress to that.  In other words, let her have a little snuggle, when it's appropriate, but make it short by distracting her with something.  I think that's much less upsetting than trying to introduce the idea that something which was perfectly normal, good and blissful 6 months ago is now kind of shameful.  If she were 8, it'd be different.  But if she's 3?  I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

[Shami]

It's good to see different perspectives.  Jeanine brought up what is bugging me.  i don't want it to seem shameful.  still considering all of your suggestions on how to word it to her.  Thank you.

[NellieKatz]

This is such an interesting topic. It's similar to something that I saw yesterday....a viral video that's going around of two absolutely darling kids enjoying their first kiss. At the end of the video the parents are heard saying, "ok, no more.....no more" each time the kids kiss again

That got me thinking about the scripts that we parents put on things which may be entirely innocent from our kids' perspective. For example my own son is 8 and he is pretty much obsessed with my breasts still (we were late breastfeeders, I think til 3 yrs old or so) anyway, I think about not wanting to shame or reject him for his interest in a part of me that was once his main place for love, reassurance, comfort and nourishment. And I realize that is borne of my fears that there's some weird sexual Oedipal thing that will happen if he doesn't cut it out before puberty. So that's MY fear put on him. Who knows,....maybe if I stopped being uncomfortable and let him do what he needed (like I did all along with nursing, or with bedtimes or whatever), then he will get the comfort he needs, cease feeling anxious, and then he will stop and move onto the next phase naturally. Maybe by making that area off-limits when he clearly needs it, I am not only prolonging it but making it a shameful thing for him, or a rejection, or a "forbidden fruit" type of obsession. Maybe I should just relax and "steer into the skid" as I always tell everyone, and stop putting my fears and projections on it. Just like those parents did with the kissing kids in the video....they probably had fears of premature sexuality, promiscuity, who knows WHAT.

But it's what happens when we parents put our fears onto our kids. I'm just thinking out loud here. (That's what I do.)  Maybe I need to lighten up with the breast obsession. I really do understand that boundaries are boundaries and we need to enforce them, but I guess now I am wondering if this is an unnatural boundary to set for a growing kid. Maybe they need to maintain that long connection with our breasts, even beyond nursing.......oh my......

Gotta run. Thanks for getting me thinking!

[Shami]

I am really surprised that I haven't seen more threads on this issue. Maybe I should cross post in Breastfeeding and Beyond section.

[bandgeek]

DS did the same thing when I weaned him at 3 1/2.  I re-directed him to my belly.  For a year after he weaned he'd rub my belly for comfort.

[Shami]

bandgeek, I really like that idea...gonna try it.