Short term fostering (babies and toddlers).... Please teach me

[LessTraveledBy]

We are in the process of preparing to do "crisis care" (short term fostering) for babies and toddlers, newborn to 24 months or so. If all goes well, we should receive the first little one early this fall. The stay will be anything from just a couple of days up to about half a year. At some point there is also a possibility that one would turn into a long term placement. I am so very excited!

I have two questions here:

1) How does one AP a child that does not nurse? With dd (now 6) it was so simple because she nursed for nutrition and for comfort, and never had to wait for food at all. I honestly feel like I am trying to reinvent the wheel here, trying to figure out in what ways things will be different. I would love to hear your tips and experiences. I do know about "bottle nursing" but e.g., I have no idea if all bottle fed babies should have a pacifier. (I am assuming yet, as babies have the need to suckle also outside of feeding time.) In addition, there must be things I am not even realizing I have not thought about.

2) What things should I buy? The babies and toddlers may arrive at very short notice, so I will need to have things ready for them. I have baby carriers from the time dd was little. All that I am used to. I am also hoping to buy cloth diapers for all possible sizes (maybe newborn ones, and then one size diapers or something to use with all the bigger ones). I never used a crib with dd, as she always slep next to me. I am wondering if I should get a hammock bed, like an Amby, to place next to our bed, or if I should plan to cosleep. (I am in Europe, so certain things are not frowned upon here.)

Anyway, I am excited but clueless and would appreciate any thoughts you may have. Also, I am interested in any recommendations for brands of products, such as safe bottles. I am also looking for a brand of cloth diapers that would work for this situation. (Work horses that would work well enough for most kids. On the inexpensive end of the price range, too, as these will most likely come out of our family finances.)

TIA!

[heatherdeg]

We did infant care.  Things to consider:

Wearing the babies is a big way to bond/be more AP with them.  We were "pro-pacifier" for comfort sucking although honestly, we never had one that felt the need.  Keep in mind that some of these infants will have been drug-exposed and either experiencing full-out withdrawal or withdrawal backlash (which goes on intermittently for a few months)--so they may be sensitive to sounds and light and just being lovey with them for the first 3-4 months of their life.  They may not be able to tolerate being swaddled or worn due to sensory problems (or they may need it more).  Many actually sleep better in a bucket carseat carrier.

I was never really inclined to try to find ways around the crib.  The reality was that they were going home and 99.9% of the time--to a crib.  I wanted to minimize as much trauma as humanly possible to the babies and so I tried to acclimate them to the world they would be living in.

Ugh... 2yo crying... will return...

[LessTraveledBy]

Thanks so much, Heather. I would love to hear more of your experiences, if you get a chance.

We will -at least officially- not receive babies with any drug exposure. They are not cared for by short term foster homes here.

[heatherdeg]

Wow... not sure how they manage to guarantee that.  And keep in mind that "drug exposure" is not always illegal drugs.  A number of anti-depressants can cause similar issues even when not abused.

Okay, so, wearing them.  Looking at and talking to them while bottle-feeding... although I have to say that I nursed my bio son and so help me, I often read a book while he nursed.  I probably gave more "bonding" attention to the foster babies during feeding.  Just gentle, loving speak and handling goes a long way--further than I think we give credit for.  Touching and holding.  I think that this is a "given" in your mind, but it's not a given in these kids lives and goes a long way to building bonds of attachment.

Obviously you wouldn't do CIO.  And with a toddler, you really should cater to their fears.  So when you hand them over to someone who feels they need to "just get used to it"... ummm... well... they MIGHT really need to get used to it, but helping them to do that won't be the same.  You'll need to build in time to transition them.  You'll get to know them well enough to know if they're the kind of child that will cry no matter how long you are there, but calm down soon after leaving them (I'm talking about if you have to put them in someone else's care.  You're not likely to get this kind of transition time when the children go on their parent visits).

It's really just about making them feel loved and secure.  There are zillions of ways to do this without cosleeping and nursing.  :)  But the specifics will really come when you have a child and see what's upsetting them--ya know?  We've never had a problem with this.  We also have a bio son that nursed till he was 5yo (self-weaned) and still co-sleeps now at 7yo and a 2-1/2yo adopted daughter that was bottlefed and only started cosleeping at 1yo that is INFINITELY better attached than our bio son.  :/  We also fostered a newborn from 5days old to 10mo that still recognized my scent and was bonded to me after returning to mom, seeing us maybe 4-5 times before she was 20mo and then didn't see me again until she was 26mo and when she got on my lap and smelled me--she knew me; and she was still bonded to me.  I probably wore her most of her first 3 weeks of life, but never nursed or coslept.

It can be done.  :)

Oh--and don't buy too many bottles.  So help me, each one of them was most comfortable with whichever nipple type I didn't have.  And I never did cloth with the foster children because the state never had a clear idea of whether they had HIV or Hep  (which can happen even in higher socio-economic status families).  If they came to me and had a food or formula reaction that put blood in their stool, or just had a wicked diaper rash--that could put blood in my cloth dipes.  I never could figure out how to sanitize them well enough around those things; and honestly--they 1) had to have disposables for their parent visits; and 2) were going to be wearing sposies at home anyway.  I wanted them to be comfortable.  Comfortable meant as little change as possible.  So they wore sposies.

I would just make sure to have 48 hours worth of clothing in all of the sizes in gender neutral colors.  For the infants, yellow/green/white (usually footed rompers in lightweight cotton plus some onesies for underneath in the cold season) and for the toddlers we had red/white/navy blue (usually sweats because they were forgiving for heavy/thin kids).  You can usually get out to shop for some bare bones basics within 48 hours.  Or at least get a load of the first day's laundry into the wash if you can't get out!  It adds up to a lot of clothes.  I only kept about 20-ish dipes of each size on-hand.  If you're going to buy bottles, I'd stick with a 3-pack (although if it were me, I might buy 2 of them--each a different type: the old-fashioned EvenFlo nipple and the Gerber NUK nipples that are wide like a breast).  We buy level 1, 2 & 3 flow but have almost never had an infant take a level 1 (and we had 4 newborns)

That's all I can think of at the moment.  It's been a while.  :)

[LessTraveledBy]

Thanks so much, Heather!

The thing about drug exposure is a bit different here, as I am not in the US. We don't have quite the problem with drugs, though maybe more with alcohol. Also, we have free health care, so practically 100% of women receive prenatal care. I do realize that you are right, though, in that they may not always know. I will just have to try to be prepared for whatever comes.

I would appreciate it if anyone else has any thoughts. Yet, this has already helped tons!

[Polliwog]

Alcohol exposure brings it's own set of challenges, as I'm sure you know.

I agree with Heather's suggestions. I've never given birth but I've fostered several infants and toddlers. APing them is easy to do if you just follow their cues. I've only ever bottle fed and it's really not a big deal and it's a great time for bonding with a little one.

[marsupial-mom]

What I've noticed is that doing AP style parenting isn't really all that different or difficult for foster children.

What's hard is interacting with all the people who are anti-AP. When it's your child (bio or adopted) then you have final say and things go the way you want. But with foster children you can have a bunch of "child welfare professionals" who don't know a damn thing about child development or attachment parenting or even how to install a carseat! And these people will dictate things this child will have to endure - for example, visitations without any sort of realistic transition. A day will come where they literally expect you to just hand over the child without anyone bothering to do even the slightest bit of preparation for the transition. New home with new food, new rules, new schedule, new people... everything new.

In my opinion, all you can do is just be a good parent when they let you, try to be a good parent when they try to stop you, and fogive yourself when you can't protect your child any longer after they pull him/her from you.

[LessTraveledBy]

Thank you, Marsupial-mom and Polliwog.

Things are a bit different here, thankfully. (I am in Northern Europe.) There will be a time for the transition here, some weeks of meetings if the child has been with us for a long time and will go to a long term foster family, but I am sure it will not feel like enough to me. I also believe that the transition will be more abrupt if the child returns to birth mom.

TBH, I think I will do ok. I am worried about dd (6), though. I really don't know how she will react when the first baby leaves...

[heatherdeg]

Our son is 7yo and we fostered from the time he was 3yo to almost 6yo.  Every child that came in, we set the expectation that they would go home.  Period.  Our role was to love and care for them until their family could take care of the child again.  He understood that mommies and daddies love their children; and children want their moms and dads.  When the kids left, we were happy that they got to be with their families again (even if mommy had a tear or two in her eyes! ;)  )  Ds understood this role VERY well by the time he was 5yo.  So much so that when we adopted our daughter, he really couldn't understand why she WASN'T going home (didn't her mommy want her?  Did her mommy throw her away?  :O  )  I guess we didn't prepare well enough on that front.  

Yours is old enough to really understand this a lot better than my son when we started.  If you set the expectation and present your role as helping a family stay a family, you may find that although she will miss the children (we all do) she will feel more proud of her role in their little lives.

ETA:  If she has any hesitation at all, I might present it as having the perfect situation: being able to be a big sister, but not forever!  :D

[LessTraveledBy]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg 

Yours is old enough to really understand this a lot better than my son when we started.  If you set the expectation and present your role as helping a family stay a family, you may find that although she will miss the children (we all do) she will feel more proud of her role in their little lives.

ETA:  If she has any hesitation at all, I might present it as having the perfect situation: being able to be a big sister, but not forever!  :D

Thank you. Yes, dd knows that all these babies will return home or go to a long term foster family. (We have not told her that it is not totally impossible that one would stay, and don't plan to tell her that, as it is very unlikely.) The problem here is that, while she has no hesitation about wanting to do this, she really wants us to adopt. She has made it very clear that adoption is #1 for her, and fostering is okay simply because she knows we are not able to adopt. (Too much money and paperwork. There are no kids available for adoption here, so we would need to go through a US agency or somehow find a birthmom there.) I am really hoping that fostering will help her become realistic about what it is like to have a smaller human being in the house, every hour of the day. Yet, she really loves babies. I get her... I was just like her.

I have spent time researching bottle feeding and other issues in the past week, and am starting to feel more comfortable. (Thanks to all of you, also!)  Our paperwork is now in and we are waiting to hear the date of our first home study/ training session. We are all very happy and excited!

[Polliwog]

You daughter really has no idea about what it feels like to foster, or adopt.. No one can know until you start doing it. It's a wonderful feeling but also scary and often very hard work. Loving babies is just the beginning.

[LessTraveledBy]

True, of course, Polliwog. I think the difference in her mind is the idea of "having." You know, it is very different, especially to any and all outsiders, whether someone is your sibling of a baby who is staying for a short while.

I suppose, for all of us, we will learn, little by little, and we are open to quitting after the first time or fostering for a long time. I really have no idea at this point what will be right for us (and if we will be viewed as "succesful enough" that we will be kept busy).

[heatherdeg]

Well, I think a 6yo wants what they want--ya know?  So yeah, they're not likely to be accepting of alternatives via talking them through/rationalizing.  But when the first few babies come through and leave (assuming you have down time between) she may grow to loving fostering for the same reasons we did: enjoying them while they're there, but having a chance to have our family all to ourselves again sometimes--with all of the undivided attention that goes with it.  It took a long time for us to really appreciate that.

And I would definitely urge you to come here and vent if the first placement pushes you to consider quitting.  It could be difficult.  The learning curve CAN be rough (although not always).  It's different for sure.  But if you got the exception vs. the rule right off, I'd hate to see you throw in the towel.  There are plenty of things that could happen to make you want to quit after the first placement, for sure.  I know there are.

[LessTraveledBy]

Thank you...

Right now I am already learning that, while there are babies in institutions in our area due to lack of short term foster homes, the social workers are not in a hurry to be in contact. Which makes me think they are very likely overworked.

I have learned that in many cases we are expected to host the birth mom (or dad) in our home for visitation twice a week, two hours at a time. This is of course assuming that the paren(s) is not considered dangerous in any way. Still seems a bit.. I don't know. I do know someone who has been doing short term foster care and having the moms come to her house has worked very well. Still, it seems a bit odd, to be honest. If anything were to happen, it would be my word against the mom's. (Things are a bit more complicated, in my mind, because we would in some cases be first in line if short term care turned into long term. I could see a parent be suspicious that we are trying to take the child, or whatever.)

Edited by LessTraveledBy - 5/19/11 at 11:54pm

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy 

Thank you...

Right now I am already learning that, while there are babies in institutions in our area due to lack of short term foster homes, the social workers are not in a hurry to be in contact. Which makes me think they are very likely overworked.

I have learned that in many cases we are expected to host the birth mom (or dad) in our home for visitation twice a week, two hours at a time. This is of course assuming that the paren(s) is not considered dangerous in any way. Still seems a bit.. I don't know. I do know someone who has been doing short term foster care and having the moms come to her house has worked very well. Still, it seems a bit odd, to be honest. If anything were to happen, it would be my word against the mom's. (Things are a bit more complicated, in my mind, because we would in some cases be first in line if short term care turned into long term. I could see a parent be suspicious that we are trying to take the child, or whatever.)

Wow... that would really make me uncomfortable because you're right: it IS your word against theirs if something happens.  And I think you said the majority of issues are drinking.  Well, that puts you in the position of determining sobriety to determine the safety of the visit.  As the child of a very serious alcoholic, I can promise you that without living with my mother--MOST people could NOT tell when she was drunk.  That would concern me.

[LessTraveledBy]

Well, no, what I meant is that there is more drinking than drugs. However, there are of course all kinds of reasons that someone is not able to take care of a baby, short term. The relative who has been doing this has had no issues, so it may be that the social workers have done a good job in determining who is ok to visit. I do believe that there has been one parent that my relative has chose to meet somewhere else, not actually in her home. But, yeah, it is a bit scary, really.

[Polliwog]

I went to three conference sessions sessions (at our Foster/Adoptive Parent state conference) presented by a woman who did visits in her home. Certainly not with all families, or most, but in the right circumstances it wouldn't be dangerous at all. I wouldn't have hesitated, for one second, to have DS's birth mother in my home. DD's birth mother, no way.

[Sadie Lynne]

how did you go about starting to do that with children??? is there an agency or what???

[LessTraveledBy]

Sadie Lynne.... I am not in the USA, so the system here is different.