Some Background: I have a 29 year old BIL who is a professional mooch. He's been squatting at the in-laws since the beginning of time-has never moved out. He doesn't give them a cent, buy groceries, do his laundry or anything you'd expect from an adult child living at home. He contributes in no way shape or form. Doesn't cook, clean, shovel sidewalks, get the mail, nothing. nothing.nothing. He has no agreement or "lease" of any sort, not even one verbal exchange. The most information he's ever given his father about his intentions were when I asked him in front of FIL "Do you have any money saved for or plans to live independently? and his answer was "well I don't have any money right now, but I'm getting a check this coming week" FIL's eyes nearly popped out of his head. When there were 3 feet of snow on the roof and it needed shoveling off or risk the roof collapsing, guess who did it...DH. according to the parents, BIL "needed rest" He collects unemployment, (after being laid off from the same job he's had since high school) and is not currently looking for paid employment, except various "side work" that pays cash (change a friends oil, tinker on their ATVs etc)
MIL and FIL are the most walked on passive people you can imagine. I sometimes wonder if this son had a near death experience or something when he was young for the parents to be so blind to his abuse. They can not see anything but perfection. It is over and beyond what I have ever seen before. He's lazy and selfish and they just laugh and shrug when confronted with his behavior. They like to repeat the sentence "M is a good boy" to each other while they go about his bidding(cooking him breakfast after he rolls out of bed at 11 am and demands it, doing his laundry, running errands for him etc) Its demented and bizarre. His life revolves around his hobby, motocross racing, and he's not very good at it. If he was actually good, I think he would have gotten beyond "hobby" status and it would be a professional job/lifestyle. He says mean things to my unsuspecting children that hurt their self esteem and crush their spirits. example. DS has dreadlocks and every.single.time. BIL sees him he'll ask "whats wrong with your hair?!" If the kids don't have shoes on or they put their shirt on backwards or choose their own "non matching" clothes, he will make fun of them and tease them! "Don't you know how to get dressed?" or the demeaning "Whats wrong with you?" He's not someone DH or I want around so we typically avoid going over there when he is. I've suspected Aspergers, seeing as DH is AS, and since learning more coping mechanisms for himself, DH has often voiced that he thinks BIL is. The more I've learned over the years about autism spectrum disorders, the more I honestly think both parents are AS or somewhere on the spectrum as well. I think that the 2 youngest siblings are Neurotypical, From my reading they have many "symptoms" of NT children growing up in AS homes. They have no idea what exactly *it* is that makes their families different, or why they themselves are different, and they have a fierce pack mentality commonly seen in AS homes. The NT daughter, is the only one who went to college, the only one who got out of the house on her own, the only one who doesn't use her parents. She has her degree in....wait for it.... communications! lol! Ironic that was the major she would seek out. but i digress...
What happened in April: First weekend in April we had a small get together for DS birthday and purposefully did not invite uncle M. He has very randomly bought presents for the kids most I suspect have been from MIL and FIL. At DD's 6th birthday party, she picked him out of the crowd and asked him why he didn't get her anything for her birthday and requested that next year he please at least make her a card. (well versed NT growing up with AS dad has learned to negotiate terms and conditions lol!) He comes over, eats the food, and unless someone is asking him about how awesome he is or something he's interested in, he leaves. Very socially clumsy and awkward, always says something inappropriate or off the wall. The last birthday party he came to was for DD now 7. Remember the request for a handmade card? He brought nothing. Walked in "what do you have to eat?" Stuffed his face, not once did he acknowledge DD, say happy birthday etc. Then he decided to hit on my 16 yr old sister, and after I told him to leave her alone, he face-booked her and text-ed her on multiple occasions asking if she'd like to "go to the gym sometime". It's typical for him to hit on or try and hang out with someone so much younger, as all his friends are 16-21. People older than that are not typically blinded by the "cool older guy who wants to be my friend" guise he puts out, and realize what a loser he is or they have an id to buy their own booze. But come on....my sister? I told MIL I was upset about his inappropriate comments and later face-booking/texting to which she replied, "oh its no big deal, I was there, C was flirting with BIL". As if she was the temptress and he the victim! When I confronted him about the texting/face-booking he pled the same case "whaaaat? she has the hots for me, she shouldn't be hitting on me" Grrrrr..... so anyhow, its the birthday that he wasn't invited to.... and MIL (unbeknown-st to me, this was overheard by MY brother) tells SIL to call BIL and tell him to come over. I walk in the house and SIL is helping DS open a present and exclaims that its from BIL. I turn to DH who says "huh, that's funny, he couldn't even make DD a card, whats with the favoritism?" I look up and see him pulling in the driveway, so i walked outside. I met him at the corner of the yard, about 500feet away from the back patio of the house....and the following conversation took place
Me: "We didn't invite you, BIL. "
BIL: "oh yeah? you don't want me around? that's fine. ""
Me: "We didn't invite you because of the mean and inappropriate things you say to the kids, it hurts their feelings. On top of that, It hurts DDs feelings to see DS open present from you when you wouldn't even make her a card. "
BIL: "oh whatever," turns and walks back to his truck.
I'm at the edge of the yard remember, so I turned around and see that MIL is now running to her car, crying. I head toward her and the house, and SIL comes bombarding out on to the patio screaming at me what did you do to mom! shes crying etc meanwhile, MIL starts the car and leaves. SIL is screaming at me about how horrible i am, did i really have to do "this" now, "in front of everyone" etc and I'm still asking clarifying questions to try and figure out what the heck just happened. They ignored all of my questions, and FIL and SIL left in protest. (apparently MIL followed me outside and heard me tell BIL he wasn't invited)
DH went to his parents house that evening and had quite the conversation with them. Found out that they bought the present, ..this led DH into trying to get them to understand that they are not responsible for him, he is an adult. He said he told them that they haven't treated him any differently than when he was ten, and they both agreed. At another point in time his mom told him if he didn't like the way they're all living then don't come by at all.They accused him of being jealous, he retorted, no, but he did feel they'd always favored BIL over the other kids. His father, looked at him with a completely straight face and asked him "Did you ever think, that he might have a disability?" DH said he told his father that if "you actually believe that, then you better have him evaluated so at least you could try and get some money from the state for taking care of his *expletive behind* since he's obviously a burden. " he seemed to think that that comment "knocked some sense into him" I'm not sure about the rest of the conversation. DH is not very good at relaying conversation he just gives me his interpretation of it, which may or may not be the general consensus after he leaves the room. These people are so confusing.....He did say at one point his parents were defensive and said that I was trying to start trouble between the brothers. Bill claims he stuck up for us and said that he "feels the same way as me, everything she said to BIL I agree with, we're the same person, we're allowed to say what goes on at our house. yes! Go DH! In the end, DH came home and said I think they know where I'm coming from and I don't think I burnt any bridges"
So....then 3 or 4 days pass and I don't hear anything from them, I'm not sure how to go about talking to them next, do I just wait for them to call me? I later hear from Aunt Donna that the day after the birthday party, FIL called her crying (aunt Donna is his much younger sister) and she had them over that night for coffee and snacks and talked to them for while. She asked me if they had called me yet and I said no, I wish they would, I'm not sure If I'm supposed to call them or what? She said she had talked to them and they said they were going to call me. So, since they hadn't, she went on to tell me about everything they talked about. Long story short, she says, They think I'm the bad guy. They were all happily ignorantly living in bliss and I came through and tore their world apart. They think that I'm causing trouble between the brothers, and that DH would never come to any of these ideas or conclusions on his own, they think I have him brainwashed, and everything is my fault. She said she felt like she stuck up for me and told them that she thinks I've been good for DH and for the family, and that I raised DH. She said she tried to tell them that they didn't teach their children "how to fish" and if it weren't for me, DH wouldn't have made it out of that house himself. (even though i believe this, i don't feel it was helpful for her to say this, do you? I think the in-laws already feel responsible for their adult children, so therefore they take the abuse from BIL) She didn't tell me anything specific that they said, just that this is their general consensus about me and that she tried to change their mind. sigh. awesome. In the words of DH, "they don't love you anymore because you insulted their sacred cow" this is a recurring theme from his childhood he says....BIL can do no wrong and if you point out where he did, you're the bad guy.
They continued to not talk to us and I kept hoping for the phone call that aunt Donna told me i was going to get. We already knew we had plans for Easter, and we joked that his parents would continue to ignore my existence and any of the past events, and call him the day before to invite us over and expect that everyone act like nothing ever happened. I told him I wasn't going to their house after the manner in which they left mine,i felt nothing had actually been resolved and I didn't feel right about going to them after what aunt Donna told me. I wanted them to come to me. Neither of our families are religious for what its worth, but my family was getting together as it was the anniversary of my brothers death and being a rough time of year, we wanted to be together. Well, Friday before Easter MIL calls Dh's cell phone. Asks him to "bring the kids over". DH tells her oh we already have plans for Easter, maybe we'll stop by. (we only live 4 miles away) I raise an eyebrow and he immediately crumbled and threw me under the bus "uh, no, we wont have time says sg784" realizes what he's done, and ends the conversation. awesome. Well, we didn't go over for Easter, and when we came home there was a generic card for the "family" and a blueberry bush. DH called to say thank you while i put the kids to bed.
2 days later DH gets a text from SIL "'why didn't you go see parents with the kids. you live right up the road" another one "well, i think its messed up you couldn't even stop in and wish them happy Easter". So he texts her back . 1. we already had plans. 2. No one has talked to sg784 since the birthday party and after talking to aunt Donna feels like everyone hates her 3. bad time of year for sg784 being the anniversary of her brothers death and all, we don't have the emotional energy to deal with it and were hoping they'd come to us. 4. we're not religious and Easter doesn't mean anything. whats the big deal.
She called and he talked to her for a good half hour about the things listen above, and said the conversation went well, she understood and didn't argue or have anything negative to say. He told her that we live right up the road, they're more than welcome to come over, spend time with the kids etc, but we're not going over there and dealing with BIL. He told her specifically that I do not feel like I should be there after talking to aunt Donna and hearing how they really feel about me.
Parents still have not made contact. We have not made contact. Today is mothers day. Its been a month. They haven't talked to me in a month. The last time I saw SIL she was screaming at me, and the last time I saw MIL she was running out of my yard crying. The last time I saw FIL he was giving me the glare and leaving. what to do now. I just don't know how to proceed. I don't know what I want or expect to happen. I'm just lost. I don't want to go over there and pretend like everything is wonderful, I'm not going to pretend that I don't know how much they despise me, but I think its messed up that I'm now "boycotting" them. But I feel like they boycotted me first, i certainly don't feel like they want me around, why would I want to be around people who think I'm "the devil!"? .... Ahhhhh. If I do go to them first, how do i even bring it up?
DH suggested he bring the kids over to visit and drop off a card, and if they ask about me he'll just say they re giving me some alone time for mothers day. but i have a fundamental problem with the whole "ignore it and pretend its not there" aspect of it. That's what this family does about everything. That's not the real reason I'm not going. The real reason is that I'm not going to go pretend like I don't know that they secretly hate me. Then again, its mothers day and does he really need to be going to his parents to bring up drama. How is this going to get resolved? Its a darn shame that my in-laws who supposedly loved me before all this, live 4 miles up the road and I'm going to be disconnected from them from here on out? over this? sticking up for my kids to BIL?
Edited by sg784 - 5/8/11 at 7:41am
) and I fully support being angry. But your dh should have been the one to handle it. In the situations where he makes fun of the kids, I'd be all over that. My only comment when he says stuff about the kids getting dressed "wrong" and things like that would be "Are you really making fun of a child?" and end it there. Pointing out that he's mocking a child should be enough to stop him in his tracks. Your dh should have been the one to address bil showing up uninvited. 
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