girls talking back

[stayinghome]

My ten year old is constantly talking back, arguing, and sassing us. Anyone have an effective way of dealing with this or a good book or anything?

This weekend at a family function my sis in law noticed it and said she woud've gotten slapped for tallking to her parents like that. While that's NOT going to happen in my family, it did embarrass me that her lack of respect is that obvious...: :

[CincoDeMama]

i've found that just talking to my dd about how disrespectful talking back is to me helps her understand why it's unacceptable. now, she's 11-and it started at 9, but she's just to the point where it's over (for now), but i'm sure it'll start again when she's closer to 13.

my dd wants to act mature, and when she was talking back, i'd remind her of how she sounded like a little kid-and she'd snap out of it, lol

[Mom2_3girls]

I had the same issues with my oldest dd (now 12) when she was about 10ish. We've always had a very respectful house in the way that we speak to each other and it was getting out of control. Talking to her would help for a few days and then she was back to being rude and sassy so one day I gave it right back to her and she was crushed and told me how much it hurt her to have me speak to her like that. We discussed it and the lightbulb went off for her that it hurt me when she spoke to me like that, I haven't had a problem since.

[Marg of Arabia]

I use the broken record method.

Every single time my kids do it I give them my little speech and they have to say sorry. My now 15 year old had a real problem with it but, it is finally getting better!

My 12 year old son doesn't do it that often. Thank Goodness!

[SabrinaJL]

I have a mouthy 10 year old too. Must be something about the age. But when she starts getting that way I just calmly tell her that she is being very disrespectful and it hurts my feelings. That generally stops it.

[misfit]

My 9yo has been getting pretty unpleasant at times but he doesn't seem to realize he's doing it. I call him on it, ask him why he's using that voice and he usually stops, sometimes with an apology. Hopefully I'm nipping it in the bud.

[Red]

I had one who wouldn't quit. I did try to let him know how it made me felt and how it made him sound. I do think it's an effort to sound mature. (I'm so grown-up I don't have to be 'baby-respectful')

4xmamammia's method sounded like it worked the best to me!

However, with my ds I usually would tell him if someone said something like your SIL. Them I'd also tell him that I had been embarrassed and that the next time I went to a gathering, he could stay at home with his father.

I'm sorry to say he spent a lot of time at home!

[magnoliablue]

I am having this problem with both my dd and ds..must be a pre-teen right of passage, though had I tried it on my mom or dad I would probably not be typing this right now..lol. It amazes me how much more mouthy and disrespectful kids are now compared to they way myself and my friends were.

And it is with my friends kids who have been ap'd as well as the kids whose parents are very strict disciplinarians. This generation seems to not respect their elders the way we were taught.

Is it tv? All the violence in the world? I wish I had an answer and a solution, because sometimes I am so overwhelmed with them.

I have tried talking to them, even tried speaking to them the way they speak to me to see how they feel, and I get little to no reaction...so all I do is pray that they will grow out of it..and that the road ahead is not even full of more obstacles.

[allgirls]

Unfortunately when we empower our children to speak up for themselves it creates a whole new problem..sometimes they can't distinguish between stating their opinion and being disrespectful...my greatest challenge with my girls is just that.

For instance...you are in public and tell someone something and your child says...that's not true, that's a lie...How do you deal with this? I sounds like they are being disrespectful and that's kind of what it is but it's not on purpose. MY first instinct would be "YOucalling me a liar?" get angry and take away their power.

What I should do is say" honey, you know I would never lie but maybe we have a different take on what happened...how did you see it?' This gives them their power but teaches them how to approach a differing opinion without insulting the person. It's a constant battle because you instantly get your back up and you get embarrassed. The second example is also a great model on how to state differing opinions. Also take note of how you speak to people you disagree with and make sure you are not modelling "back talk"

If you say to your spouse "Don't be stupid" then likely your kids will say the same thing..same thing for shut up, name calling etc.

The rest they get from their friends...sometimes the way they interact with friends can't be disconnected when they are with their parents...the forget to turn it off and when that happens then a gentle "you may speak to your friends that way but please turn it off when you speak to me"

It's kind of sad though, since I know all this and still mess it up on a daily basis...but I am working on it.

[skj474]

My DD does this occasionally too. I always remind her that is not how we talk and sometimes if she is real bad about it I will restrict her from something she likes to do, ie. talk on the phone, or I will make her write down why she shoud not talk like that, then explain it to me too. I really set my foot down and do not let her get away with it, I am lucky in the sense that she doesn't like it when I get mad, upset, or disappointed with her.

[homeschoolmommyof1]

OH Boy- I was just about to open up a thread on that when I saw that one-thank you
DS turned 10 in March and he is abso;utly driving my batty I love that child to pieces but at times I wish that I could volunteer him to a mission to mars.
He will backtalk and argue over just about anything...I'm just not used to that kinda behavior. He was a very easy going child- hardly ever had a temper tantrum, people always told me what a good job I was doing and that he was such a polite young man....what happened??????
Please, someone tell me that that will change again

To be honest- I'm glad that I'm not alone

[willowsmama]

I was being to think it was just my dd trying to drive me insane.

I don't know if it's puberty or what but she backtalks darn near everything. If I said the grass is green she probably would argue i'm wrong. Homeschooling has become almost impossible because her attitude is driving me nuts. AS a matter a fact, I agreed she could try public school next year because it's just not working with her attitude.

I hear it gets better then worse again. : I have no clue how to stay sane. I might take up drinking!

[SabrinaJL]

Originally Posted by homeschoolmommyof1

He was a very easy going child- hardly ever had a temper tantrum, people always told me what a good job I was doing and that he was such a polite young man....what happened??????

If you hadn't said HE I'd think you were talking about MY kid. lol I'd get comments everywhere we went on how well-behaved she was and how beautiful her manners were. Now she talks back and thinks burping and farting are hilarious no matter how often I tell her it's disgusting and not at all ladylike. Ugh.

[Dar]

I like what allgirls said. Sometimes Rain says things that sound snarky and rude when she's trying to be witty or clever, or she argues because she thinks she is correct and doesn't realize that every issue isn't worth arguing to the ground - sometimes the gracious thing to do is agree to disagree. Sometimes her words trigger emotional reactions in me and I snap back at her, which escalates the situation.

I try to talk about being kind and gracious, and about how sometimes it's not necessary to prove that you're right, even if you know if your heart that you are. e e cummings said "kisses are a better fate than wisdom".

I also try to non-confrontationally tell her when her words felt rude to me, or offensve. If I can I do it at the time; if I'm too upset I take a deep breath and smile and tell her about it afterwards. The trick is to be non-confrontational, saying, "You may not realize it, but..." rather then "It's really rude when you..." If she gets defensive, then I've probably communicated in a way she perceived as attacking, and not helpful.

I think there's a time and a place for burping and farting humor... the key is figuring out when that is. It's usually not when adults are around!

Dar

[Kari_mom]

I've been keeping up with this post, because arguing/talking back/yelling has become a serious problem in our family with my 10 yo DD. I thought it might be due to our new baby, but I just had a recent revelation. My daughter's behaviour deteriorates when she hasn't taken her allergy medicine! This is the worst pollen season in years for our area, and it shows.

While understanding triggers for her behavior isn't an excuse, it helps me manage and predict what is going on, and feel less attacked personally as well. Lack of food and sleep are other triggers. I have talked to her about it and sometimes, not always, reminding her that her allergies are 'talking' will help avert a screaming episode.

I feel like this is so obvious, I deal with it daily with my toddler, I mean really, but I guess I expected something different with a 10 year old. Now maybe we can return to normal 10yo behavior instead of hyper 10 yo behavior.

[Dar]

Oh, I forgot about that part! Well, for Rain it's not allergies, but lack of sleep and/or food can make her really prickly. She was like that a lot when she was little but it was better for a while, but now she spends more time on her own and so has more opportunities to forget to eat, and somehow she suddenly needs 10-11 hours of sleep a night, when for years she'd done fine on 8-9. I guess she's growing...

And I also think those puberty hormones can kick into action by 7 or 8, and certainly by 10 or 11... it's sort of a PMS-thing.

Dar