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May Day, May Day, I need a May Dating Thread - Page 3

post #41 of 53
It sounds like you aren't in a position to move this relationship to the next level right now anyway, Halfasianmomma. "Wait and see" isn't such a bad place to be. Once your situation changes to one that might allow the two of you to move in together, then you might have figured out the other issues too.


And I'm saying bye for now. I've been wasting my time with dating for the last few months. I need to heal before I involve myself with anyone, so as of now and for an undetermined period of time, I am considering myself unavailable. Good luck to all of you! wave.gif
post #42 of 53

Halfasianmomma, if you're not sure where you stand on having more children, maybe its not a good idea to move in together. That'll make it much harder to break up later if that is best. You have much more to lose than him. 10 years from now, he can suddenly change his mind and decide kids are good for him. We women dont have that option. I'm not saying to leave him now, but just wanted to throw that out there.

 

I am a 28 year old single mama of an 18 month old girl. Next month will make it officially a year since we split so we've been apart most of her life. Ex is still involved but most things fall on me. He's another narcissist, so I'm happy to be out of that relationship.

 

I have been dating off and on (mostly on) since the breakup. I promised myself that I wouldnt entertain any relationships for the first year. I'm so glad I did because my emotions have been all over the place this past year and I didn't want to end up with anyone I attracted during that time. I do want at least 1 more child (2 max) so I would like to marry at some point.

 

In the meantime, I have accomplished alot over the past year. I went from having never left the US to having visited several countries since (more than 10). I've met a couple of really good men who just werent right for me, but that I've learned from. I've increased my income, dropped the baby weight (plus some), and started putting myself first. I think I attracted the emotionally needy guys before because I used to put myself last. My new years resolution was to be selfish and it's paid dividends.

 

There's one guy I've been dating since September, an FWB. He wants more (marriage and kids as his clock is ticking) but he's not it for me. I have cut him off a couple times because I didnt want to lead him on, but I havent stuck with it.

 

I do know there's a great guy out there for me. My settling days are behind me.

post #43 of 53

Ugh- I guess I'm one of the oldest here! I am 42 and the single mama to my son who just turned 6! I left his dad last August so that means we've been separated for 9 months now! I just recently started feeling ready to date again so I joined Match.com. I am a teacher working with all women and all of my friends are old married folks- lol. So I don't have much opportunity to meet single men. And I've always been super cautious and taken things really slow. . . . But something has gotten into me lately and I feel like I just want to have fun and I'm not looking for "the ONE" just someone I am relatively compatible with who wants to spend time with me- and if it goes further- great!

 

Well- I met this really nice guy online and we got together Friday night for the first time IRL. And well- after dinner and a few drinks we ended up back at my place.  And for the first time in my life I slept with a man on the first date! Holy crow- what was I thinking?!?!  I am so upset with my self because I really enjoyed getting to know him and he seemed like such a nice man who I would've liked to get to know better and spend more time with.  But he hasn't communicated with me since we said goodbye at 3 am on Saturday morning. I know- so maybe he's not such a nice guy- but geez! I can't stop beating myself up about it. 

 

There was a lot of playful banter in regards to sex before we even met in person. I didn't really think we'd get there on the first date but I was totally open to it seeing as it had been close to a year since I had had any!  So I guess what I'm saying is- beforehand when it was all hypothetical I was psyched. But now that I was actually bold enough to make it happen- which is totally out of character for me, btw- I just can't stop thinking about how stupid it was. But sadly the regret is really mostly because he isn't responding to my post date email.

 

This is stupid right?  Sorry- I just needed a place to get this out. I can't tell my friends or family what I did! Like I said- totally out of character- they would think I had lost my marbles. Maybe I have. . . .

 

 

post #44 of 53

9 months is a loooooong time to go with out. You got some fine tuning (I hope) and a good meal. He sounds like one of those perpetual single guys on Match who are just looking for flings. Any mention of sex early on (joke or not) is a red flag for me. I don't entertain it. He doesn't sound like long term potential so consider yourself lucky.

post #45 of 53

Ha ha ha- thanks for the lift DC Mama. I know you're right. I'm just lonely and guys that are even worth meeting seem so few and far between.

But I did have a good time- ;-)

 

Wish I had some better ideas how to meet men.

post #46 of 53

Turtle2who, I SO know that feeling and I'm sorry you've had to go through that. I do think though that it's not so much a matter of, how to meet good guys, as what your mindset around it is, and my own experience is that when I'm feeling lonely and a bit needy I attract users and guys who can't commit. Just my two cents...


Mimim, I'll miss you on here. Good luck with your healing process and good on you for taking that time out :)

 

I've been single 6 or 7 weeks now and I must say it feels like AGES already. A promising sounding online guy (daily emails for a week, becoming really long and detailed quite quickly, lots in common - yet he doesnt seem pushy or creepy at all) has given me his number, I'm nervous and excited! I've left that site though now and joined OK Cupid, it's great so far!

 

I wonder if I'm being too fussy in my profile, in the section 'Contact me if you...' I've put, 'have a spiritual side, love music and/or words, are flexible and openminded yet reliable and able to commit'...is that too specific do you think? I dont' want to waste my time with time wasters, and I am very clear on what I want. This guy I've been communicating with sounds like the perfect combo  - deep yet funny too, but you never know till you meet them in person of course. I'm enjoying the feeling of having stuff 'going on' online, as in guys showing an interest, even if it never leads anywhere. But I really wish I could focus more on my own life (busy as it is!) and less on finding a guy. When I really think about having a relationship, it freaks me a bit really, because I can't imagine how I would push aside all the stuff currently in my life to make room for a BIG, proper relationship (my last one was so part-time, long distance etc).  Yet I do still want it so much.

post #47 of 53

Oh Devaya- thanks for the eye opener. You are right. I was actually thinking about that today- that I AM feeling lonely and needy and that is SO not me normally. I think it is a wierd situation of my PMS week coinciding with my son being away with his dad for 3 full days. So I am alone and emotional. But ugh- I have NEVER done this before. I felt so powerful and bold- which I have never really felt with men so that was kind of cool- and really has changed my outlook on myself and made me feel more confident in a funny way- even though not hearing from him since has been a bit of a blow.

 

I'm trying to take the lesson away and look for the good things that came from it. I know there are other guys out there. I want to have fun and make friends and just take whatever comes- you know? Yes I'd like to be in a relationship- have someone to talk to regularly- someone to go out with now and then, to sleep with- yes- definitely. As DC Mama said- 9 mos is a long time- and in June it would've actually been a year without sex- we've just been separated for 9 mos.

 

And Devaya- thanks for the lead on other dating sites. I did Eharmony and didn't like it at all. Now I'm trying Match. I've only been on a week and already feel like there isn't much going on there. I'm thinking about trying the cheap or free ones in addition to Match just so I can also feel the satisfaction of having stuff going on online! And with summer coming I am going to be off work and watching 3 kids all day long- then my son will leave me all alone to go to his dad's and ugh. . . all my friends are married with kids. I need to find another social circle.

post #48 of 53

So, I'm back with some news. Saxman and I are...on a break. We had a lot of talks about the subject of children and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would really like to have at least one more, hopefully before I turn 40. I don't think it's a crazy plan. I'm 33 now and I'm slowly getting things settled financially. DD will be 3 this summer...Through our discussions, Saxman brought up a number of reasons he doesn't think having children is a good idea:

  • Overpopulation
  • The heartache that children can bring
  • The possibility of having a disabled child
  • The things he'd have to give up (i.e. his music)
  • Worrying about becoming "not as important"
  • The concern about a potentially disappearing sex life postpartum

 

He's obviously thought all this through in the years where he was single, or after his previous girlfriend terminated her pregnancies. He now tells me that he would concede to having a child with me, but only to make me happy. He doesn't see it as something exciting; he sees it as a sacrifice he would make for the sake of the relationship.

 

My gut reaction is...well, if you are going to drag your feet while I'm pregnant and eventually feel frustrated or resentful, then why bother? I really love this man. I love how well he fits into my family. We click in so many ways...just not where children are concerned. I thought I had found "the one", the person to share the joys of pregnancy, birth and parenting with...something I didn't have with my exh...but right now, today, it all leaves him so indifferent.

 

I've asked Saxman for a break. I need some room to figure this out. We haven't even lived together yet, but I feel like this is an important issue to discuss now, especially because DD is getting more and more attached to him.

 

I'd really appreciate some input.

post #49 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

So, I'm back with some news. Saxman and I are...on a break. We had a lot of talks about the subject of children and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would really like to have at least one more, hopefully before I turn 40. I don't think it's a crazy plan. I'm 33 now and I'm slowly getting things settled financially. DD will be 3 this summer...Through our discussions, Saxman brought up a number of reasons he doesn't think having children is a good idea:

  • Overpopulation
  • The heartache that children can bring
  • The possibility of having a disabled child
  • The things he'd have to give up (i.e. his music)
  • Worrying about becoming "not as important"
  • The concern about a potentially disappearing sex life postpartum

 

He's obviously thought all this through in the years where he was single, or after his previous girlfriend terminated her pregnancies. He now tells me that he would concede to having a child with me, but only to make me happy. He doesn't see it as something exciting; he sees it as a sacrifice he would make for the sake of the relationship.

 

My gut reaction is...well, if you are going to drag your feet while I'm pregnant and eventually feel frustrated or resentful, then why bother? I really love this man. I love how well he fits into my family. We click in so many ways...just not where children are concerned. I thought I had found "the one", the person to share the joys of pregnancy, birth and parenting with...something I didn't have with my exh...but right now, today, it all leaves him so indifferent.

 

I've asked Saxman for a break. I need some room to figure this out. We haven't even lived together yet, but I feel like this is an important issue to discuss now, especially because DD is getting more and more attached to him.

 

I'd really appreciate some input.

 

I found out, after the divorce, that my XH was the one who just went along with "my plan" because I wanted a child so badly.  And, if he had told me he wasn't ready or wanting to even have a child, I don't think I would have truly listened to (or even, heard) him.  Sure did shoot myself in the foot with that one. 

 

Additionally, I had colleague relent to having another child because her new husband wanted one so badly.  They divorced a year after the child was born.  She loves her child, but she is so angry with herself for not being able to say "no!"  And, she does deal with a lot of resentment towards herself and her XH now.   

 

So... you are very lucky to have a man be so honest and open about his reasons for not having a child.  And, his reasons are very similar to my own reasons for not wanting to have another child myself, so I can really relate to what he is saying.    

 

My suggestion... do exactly as you are doing:  take break from the relationship to gain some solid perspective and reflection.  With time, you will know what you need to do. 

post #50 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

So, I'm back with some news. Saxman and I are...on a break. We had a lot of talks about the subject of children and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would really like to have at least one more, hopefully before I turn 40. I don't think it's a crazy plan. I'm 33 now and I'm slowly getting things settled financially. DD will be 3 this summer...Through our discussions, Saxman brought up a number of reasons he doesn't think having children is a good idea:

  • Overpopulation
  • The heartache that children can bring
  • The possibility of having a disabled child
  • The things he'd have to give up (i.e. his music)
  • Worrying about becoming "not as important"
  • The concern about a potentially disappearing sex life postpartum

 

He's obviously thought all this through in the years where he was single, or after his previous girlfriend terminated her pregnancies. He now tells me that he would concede to having a child with me, but only to make me happy. He doesn't see it as something exciting; he sees it as a sacrifice he would make for the sake of the relationship.

 

My gut reaction is...well, if you are going to drag your feet while I'm pregnant and eventually feel frustrated or resentful, then why bother? I really love this man. I love how well he fits into my family. We click in so many ways...just not where children are concerned. I thought I had found "the one", the person to share the joys of pregnancy, birth and parenting with...something I didn't have with my exh...but right now, today, it all leaves him so indifferent.

 

I've asked Saxman for a break. I need some room to figure this out. We haven't even lived together yet, but I feel like this is an important issue to discuss now, especially because DD is getting more and more attached to him.

 

I'd really appreciate some input.


You know, as incredibly hard as this must be, I think it's a really strong and intelligent move for you to make. You've prioritized that you want more children and that's important to you. In the past I think you might have offered a compromise or not rocked the boat?

I think it's great that you're discussing this now and you're able to set your boundaries around what's important. I'm sorry, I know it must be really hard. But I think it's the right thing to do. And you really are an inspiration.

 

 

post #51 of 53
Okay. Well. Of course, as soon as I give up, I meet somebody that I'm excited about. While sitting and reading on Tuesday night, a cute guy struck up a conversation with me about my book. We sat and talked and talked until I finally dragged myself away hours after I'd meant to be home in bed. I started to leave without exchanging numbers (given my resolve to take a break from dating) and he very awkwardly (and awkwardness is really attractive to me) asked me for mine. We've had a little "everything reminds me of you" text message exchange going on since then and I'm meeting up with him in a few hours for dinner. I haven't met anybody who was both interesting to talk to and who made me desperately want to kiss him in soooo long. No idea yet if this is going anywhere, but I'm enjoying the super-crushy-can't-wait-to-see-him-again feeling while it's here!!! I've been resisting posting about it, out of slight embarrassment for being so wishy-washy about my decision to stop looking and also I'm afraid of jinxing it, but I need to gush. joy.gif


Halfasianmomma, I'm sorry that you had a disappointment, but it sounds like you are dealing with this in such a healthy way. It's inspiring.

Welcome, turtle2who, and do NOT beat your self up for being human! I hope you had fun and learned something about where you'll place your boundaries in the future.
post #52 of 53

Yea mimim!! love.gif Don't be embarrassed about posting about it, that's usually how it happens - you let it all go and then something drops into your lap. Hope your dinner was fabulous!

 

 

post #53 of 53

He called and we're getting together tomorrow for a movie. Might not be the best idea but . . . .

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