Help me with the grieving part...

[worthy]

Lately I have been feeling depressed.  Our marriage is dead, of course, and it's been 3.5 months since XH sprung the divorce on me. 

I have read the comparisons of stages of acceptance (written for death but applicable to divorce) and I think I'm in the grief stage.  I need to grieve this marriage and get that behind me, and it's like an itch that I have to scratch or something, it's making me crazy.

Except I don't know how to grieve.

Our divorce is not a clean split where dad takes off and leaves the kids with mom.  In some ways that sounds like it would be simpler - though don't get me wrong, I am sure it is not simple or easy in the least!!  But we're transitioning, and not exactly sure how things are going to look when we're done.  How do you grieve when you're still transitioning?

It's not like he's completely dead himself, you know?  I do not have any wish to be back together with him, but I can't just ignore him completely 100% of the time - he's my kids' dad, it's a small community, etc.

I am not sure if what I am asking is clear, but I'm trying.  How do you go through the grieving process when you're not exactly sure what you're grieving and what still stands?

[tccandlsccmom]

First, big hug.  

Second, I think my understanding of the grief process is a bit different...there are stages (the number differs) but the names break it down beyond "grief'...one website i found that is good lists seven (see http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html):

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
2. PAIN & GUILT-

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
 

My split is fairly new (last fall) and the lawsuit newer (my ex sued in January for sole custody)...what I am finding is that I am flipping back and forth among stages (except not to the first stage)...sometimes a bunch in the same day.

Yes, we will remain forever connected to these men.  And yes, it is hard during transition.  I have no answers, but know that just keeping going and focusing on the kids is what is keeping me somewhat balanced...

 

[meandmine]

Well put TCCAN ...

Because we still interact.  Because there can be new "issues" we don't always get the luxury of a linear trip through the stages of loss.  

Grieving for sure -- I did alot of that.  Took me a year or so before I could say I was done grieving, most because I saw that it was likely my kids were gonna be ok.

Now ... after almost four years separated ... this is my life and I am doing my best by the kids.  The stage I still fall into is anger because I still have to deal with him, but I am totally in acceptance.

So, four years ...

Hope it goes easier/faster for you, but live with where you are!

Blessings this mother's day!

M