So conflicted and confused - Page 2

[MommyBear]

Because I've been with them physically for a short time does not mean I do not know them well.  We talk regularly, video chat regularly, email regularly, facebook regularly... I'm sure you get the point.  We are not strangers by any means.  Physical interaction is not the only means of contact in the year 2011.

[KristyDi]

OP I understood from your original post that you were in no way denying your nephew food, you would just prefer someone else do the bottle feeding because you are so upset that your SIL chose not to breastfeed.  I understand your disappointment, but I think refusing to feed the baby is going overboard a bit.

My question would be, "What good will come of you refusing to feed your nephew?"  Mom can't go back and choose breastfeeding now (yes I know about re-lactation, but it doesn't seem like a realistic outcome here)  I don't know what you're seeing that causes you concern over how bonded mom and baby are, it seems unlikely that refusing to help (no matter how politely it's done) will do anything but make mom feel more stressed and judged for being inadequate, not encourage her to bond.

I really think your best course of action is to be helpful however you can and encourage and uplift the mom.  Maybe if you develop a good relationship, you can help her nurse future babies.  If she sees you as unhelpful and judgey now, you can bet she won't be wanting to emulate you or ask for help nursing future babies.

[Pynki]

Originally Posted by MommyBear 

Oh for goodness sakes!  I'm not denying the poor little guy anything!  I'm not his caretaker in any way shape or form!  I'm just there WITH HIS PARENTS chatting at a small family get together.  I was just asking for suggestions on how I could politely hand the little fellow back to his mama so SHE could feed him.  If I were the only adult around, yes I would feed him gladly.  I would never withhold food from a baby for any reason.  That is just cruel.  Please don't slap that label on me.  I just see such a lack of bonding with them that it makes my heart sad.  Now his daddy on the other hand, it is a beautiful thing... He feeds the baby, rocks the baby, sings to the baby.  It is wonderful to watch.  I guess I am just a bad person for coming here to vent my feelings and to ask for advice.  Sorry for making that mistake.

My apologies then.  It seemed as if you were unwilling to feed the baby a bottle for any reason.  I have infant aged nieces and nephews who are formula fed for a variety of reasons.  It's never occurred to me that it would be a problem to hand the fussing/hungry baby back to it's parents/care givers and say "here you go X is hungry", and leave it at that.  That's the upside to NOT being the parent.  You don't have to deal with the hungry/fussy baby. 

Originally Posted by KristyDi 

OP I understood from your original post that you were in no way denying your nephew food, you would just prefer someone else do the bottle feeding because you are so upset that your SIL chose not to breastfeed.  I understand your disappointment, but I think refusing to feed the baby is going overboard a bit.

My question would be, "What good will come of you refusing to feed your nephew?"  Mom can't go back and choose breastfeeding now (yes I know about re-lactation, but it doesn't seem like a realistic outcome here)  I don't know what you're seeing that causes you concern over how bonded mom and baby are, it seems unlikely that refusing to help (no matter how politely it's done) will do anything but make mom feel more stressed and judged for being inadequate, not encourage her to bond.

I really think your best course of action is to be helpful however you can and encourage and uplift the mom.  Maybe if you develop a good relationship, you can help her nurse future babies.  If she sees you as unhelpful and judgey now, you can bet she won't be wanting to emulate you or ask for help nursing future babies.

This whole thing leaves me wondering if people who think FATHER'S who aren't intimately involved with feeding are not as bonded.  I mean, don't we argue just the opposite here?  That there are OTHER ways to bond with the infant other than feeding?  I don't know this family or their situation.  I'm sure as their family the OP does know more, but I'm left with questions like, is the child in day care?  Is the mother the primary care giver?  Is the Father?  Who's doing most of the infant care most of the time?  I've had 4 kids who all breastfed more than a year, and I know that any time I could get a free moment, I would give them to some one else to snuggle so I wouldn't be as touched out by the end of the day.  KWIM?

[Katie T]

While I don't like to bottle feed MY babies and am very much a nursing advocate (going on 5 yrs straight of nursing) any time spent cuddling with a baby is a blessing. If you don't want to feed your nephew fine politely decline but there is still something special about cuddling with the little guy and "bottle nursing" him. Adopted couples, people who no matter all they tried could not make bfing work ect do it even though they would love to nurse. I guess what I am saying is don't judge your SIL. That is not our "job." and while I know she made a deal about bfing when asked be the gracious one. 

[Drummer's Wife]

Can't you think of it from another perspective.  Like, wow, b/c she happens to not be nursing (despite how beneficial and healthy it is... and all that), I am lucky enough to get to share such a sweet and bonding experience with my nephew. 

You are able to hold him and nourish him.  He has to drink out of a bottle, anyway, so isn't it neat that you can help with that?  I enjoy bottle-feeding other people's babies.  It's so fun to snuggle them and watch them drink and smile and coo and look into my eyes.  Even more so if it were a baby related to me! As an Aunt, I would be honored, and it would bring me great joy. 

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by MommyBear 

Oh for goodness sakes!  I'm not denying the poor little guy anything!  I'm not his caretaker in any way shape or form!  I'm just there WITH HIS PARENTS chatting at a small family get together.  I was just asking for suggestions on how I could politely hand the little fellow back to his mama so SHE could feed him.  If I were the only adult around, yes I would feed him gladly.  I would never withhold food from a baby for any reason.  That is just cruel.  Please don't slap that label on me.  I just see such a lack of bonding with them that it makes my heart sad.  Now his daddy on the other hand, it is a beautiful thing... He feeds the baby, rocks the baby, sings to the baby.  It is wonderful to watch.  I guess I am just a bad person for coming here to vent my feelings and to ask for advice.  Sorry for making that mistake.

You mentioned no 'lack of bonding' in your OP. Just about the Evil Formula Feeding and how you "just cannot bear to sit down and put a bottle in that baby's mouth". Surely you must be able to see that that is NOT a normal reaction. And are you teaching your children this nonsense too?

I BF my kids and I'll BF the one I'm carrying now, hopefully. But to have such an OTT reaction to bottle feeding? It's just not good for you. Or for your poor SIL! You 'can't bring yourself' to feed him? To FEED HIM?

[MommyBear]

Where in any of my posts did I mention teaching this to my children?  This is something that I have kept to myself aside from sharing with my DP in the comfort of our bedroom, after the children are asleep and sharing here.  My children have bottle fed other babies and while they do know that breast is best, they do know that some do choose to bottle feed.  I am quite able to keep my quirks to myself.  Do I need help?  Quite possibly yes.  Maybe that is why I came here asking for help in trying to politely decline the offer to bottle feed.  Maybe, just maybe I'm trying to take baby steps.  Do I need people here telling me that I am mentally ill?  No.  I just needed a community where I could come to vent some frustrations.  I'm not denying this sweet baby food.  I am not denying him love or cuddles.  It has been a number of years since I've had a baby to snuggle with so I am more than happy to have the chance to do that.  I'm just choosing not to take part in the feeding.  That does not mean that my nephew will starve, it just means that I will not be the one feeding him.  I will be the one playing with him and rocking him to sleep and changing him.  There are probably thousands of posts on these boards illustrating the ways to bond with a baby that are NOT feeding.  Those are the ways that I will be interacting with him.  I am not a monster, really I'm not.

[Pynki]

Perhaps I missed it, I didn't see anyone telling you that you were mentally ill, only that you may need to seek some kind of help on this issue because it's really not a normal reaction to bottle feeding.  I can understand feeling defensive when you are being told that your reaction is over the top, but with more than one person saying it, I think it's likely to be true. 

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by Pynki 

Perhaps I missed it, I didn't see anyone telling you that you were mentally ill, only that you may need to seek some kind of help on this issue because it's really not a normal reaction to bottle feeding.  I can understand feeling defensive when you are being told that your reaction is over the top, but with more than one person saying it, I think it's likely to be true. 

Then why is it ok for people in the Case Against Circumcision forum to talk about how they cut friends and family members out of their lives for circ'ing their sons, or refusing to change a diaper of a child who is circumcised??  

The OP is uncomfortable over the idea of doing something out of the ordinary for her.  Regardless of most of the respondents' judgments, the OP is entitled to feel how she feels.  Just like many women feel totally grossed out by feeding someone else's baby expressed breastmilk.

[MommyBear]

Thank you to those who have sought to understand where I'm coming from.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by Bokonon 

Then why is it ok for people in the Case Against Circumcision forum to talk about how they cut friends and family members out of their lives for circ'ing their sons, or refusing to change a diaper of a child who is circumcised??

That is also utterly ridiculous. People seriously cut people out of their lives for circumcising?

[Purple*Lotus]

I can't imagine refusing to feed a child.  That is heartbreaking to me.  I would feed this little one the way his Mom wanted me to and be thankful that I was able to help.

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

Originally Posted by Bokonon 

Then why is it ok for people in the Case Against Circumcision forum to talk about how they cut friends and family members out of their lives for circ'ing their sons, or refusing to change a diaper of a child who is circumcised??

That is also utterly ridiculous. People seriously cut people out of their lives for circumcising?
 

Yes, apparently.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by MommyBear 

I have a new nephew that I got to see for the first time today... I think he's the most adorable little baby ever and I'm just in love with him...Because of my very strong beliefs on BFing, I will not feed her son for her.  It just isn't something I can bring myself to do.  I can respect her choice because it is after all, her choice no matter my feelings on the issue but I just cannot bear to sit down and put a bottle in that baby's mouth.  I know I will be asked to. I'm just not sure how to keep declining this "great honor" without coming off like an elitist.  Heck, maybe I am being one but I just cannot get over the heartache I feel when I've tried to do this.  I fought hard to BF my babies (including being in a coma *twice* and losing my supply both times but working to get it back successfully both times) and I see her just throwing it all away.  Am I a bad person for feeling like this?  

OP, the fact that you asked whether you are a "bad person" for feeling the way you do indicates to me that you have some doubts about the appropriateness of your attitude toward feeding your nephew. And yes, the way you phrased your OP does make you sound like an elitist. While I would never say that you are a bad person, I agree with the majority of posters here that what you are feeling is a rather extreme reaction. Personally, I believe it's more appropriate to be "heartbroken" over the many truly awful tragedies around us than by what one woman chooses to feed her baby.

From what you've said about her, It sounds as though you really don't like your SIL and have a lot of judgment about her. Maybe you could look at this vacation as a way to work on those feelings by being as supportive of her as you can. Being a loving aunt would be a natural way to bond with her and a closer relationship would perhaps enable you to be a positive influence about bf the next time around.

[MamaofLiam]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

It breaks your heart that she's formula feeding? to the extent that you can't even hold the bottle? Really?

Have you talked to anyone about this? That is not a normal or healthy way to feel. I wish you well as you heal.

I think the above was really mean spirited. Nothing you said there helped the OP, it just put her down. I get you disagree with her position, but geez...

Originally Posted by Pynki 

Perhaps I missed it, I didn't see anyone telling you that you were mentally ill, only that you may need to seek some kind of help on this issue because it's really not a normal reaction to bottle feeding.  I can understand feeling defensive when you are being told that your reaction is over the top, but with more than one person saying it, I think it's likely to be true. 

I think the OP was perhaps interpreting the quote from D_McG as her implying she was mentally ill. I can see that. 

I am feeling for the OP right now. She came her for help / advice, and she just seems to be getting slammed. I'm not saying that I agree or disagree with anyone's position. She came here genuinely looking for help, but some of you are being really harsh. Saying things to her like "are you teaching your children this nonsense" is just so unnecessary. Why don't those of you who feel the need to be mean just stick to what she asked for and help explain your point of view without reaming her in the process. Threads like these make me think twice about coming here for support on something I feel vulnerable about. 
 

[milkcake]

Originally Posted by MommyBear 

Oh for goodness sakes!  I'm not denying the poor little guy anything!  I'm not his caretaker in any way shape or form!  I'm just there WITH HIS PARENTS chatting at a small family get together.  I was just asking for suggestions on how I could politely hand the little fellow back to his mama so SHE could feed him.  If I were the only adult around, yes I would feed him gladly.  I would never withhold food from a baby for any reason.  That is just cruel.  Please don't slap that label on me.  I just see such a lack of bonding with them that it makes my heart sad.  Now his daddy on the other hand, it is a beautiful thing... He feeds the baby, rocks the baby, sings to the baby.  It is wonderful to watch.  I guess I am just a bad person for coming here to vent my feelings and to ask for advice.  Sorry for making that mistake.

Whoa... what's with the attacking? You never said you would deny your nephew food!

Mama Bear I understand how you feel. I went through something similar with my sister - she BF in the hospital and for a short short time before switching to formula, and she only did it because of her own impatience and personal issues with motherhood.

Yes it bothered me. Unfortunately it wasn't my place (granted I did ask gentle questions a few times such as why she stopped BF) and the best solution was for me to simply not be involved. It sucked! But with all the ridicule she endured from our family I didn't want to make things worse with my opinions and make her feel attacked or judged.

In your shoes I wold probably just say you're not comfortable with it, or if you think that would offend her try "well I'm sure he'd rather snuggle his mommy/daddy than me while he eats" or "I'm sure he's more comfortable in your arms than mine since he doesn't know me well enough yet"

I wish you the best.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by MamaofLiam 

I think the above was really mean spirited. Nothing you said there helped the OP, it just put her down. I get you disagree with her position, but geez...

I think the OP was perhaps interpreting the quote from D_McG as her implying she was mentally ill. I can see that. 

I am feeling for the OP right now. She came her for help / advice, and she just seems to be getting slammed. I'm not saying that I agree or disagree with anyone's position. She came here genuinely looking for help, but some of you are being really harsh. Saying things to her like "are you teaching your children this nonsense" is just so unnecessary. Why don't those of you who feel the need to be mean just stick to what she asked for and help explain your point of view without reaming her in the process. Threads like these make me think twice about coming here for support on something I feel vulnerable about. 
 

Honestly it makes me very angry to read things like the OP posted. I think it's a really really shitty way to act. Incredibly arrogant and condescending to some poor young mother who is doing the best she can. I'm not going to be all 'hugs mama!' at such blatant ignorance/arrogance.

[Pynki]

Originally Posted by MamaofLiam 

I think the above was really mean spirited. Nothing you said there helped the OP, it just put her down. I get you disagree with her position, but geez...

I think the OP was perhaps interpreting the quote from D_McG as her implying she was mentally ill. I can see that. 

I am feeling for the OP right now. She came her for help / advice, and she just seems to be getting slammed. I'm not saying that I agree or disagree with anyone's position. She came here genuinely looking for help, but some of you are being really harsh. Saying things to her like "are you teaching your children this nonsense" is just so unnecessary. Why don't those of you who feel the need to be mean just stick to what she asked for and help explain your point of view without reaming her in the process. Threads like these make me think twice about coming here for support on something I feel vulnerable about. 
 

Show me where I have been really harsh. 

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

Originally Posted by MamaofLiam 

I think the above was really mean spirited. Nothing you said there helped the OP, it just put her down. I get you disagree with her position, but geez...

I think the OP was perhaps interpreting the quote from D_McG as her implying she was mentally ill. I can see that. 

I am feeling for the OP right now. She came her for help / advice, and she just seems to be getting slammed. I'm not saying that I agree or disagree with anyone's position. She came here genuinely looking for help, but some of you are being really harsh. Saying things to her like "are you teaching your children this nonsense" is just so unnecessary. Why don't those of you who feel the need to be mean just stick to what she asked for and help explain your point of view without reaming her in the process. Threads like these make me think twice about coming here for support on something I feel vulnerable about. 
 

Honestly it makes me very angry to read things like the OP posted. I think it's a really really shitty way to act. Incredibly arrogant and condescending to some poor young mother who is doing the best she can. I'm not going to be all 'hugs mama!' at such blatant ignorance/arrogance.

Where did she say that anything she had said to her SIL was "arrogant and condescending", and how do you know that the mother is doing the best she can?  And your getting angry spurred you to post how horrible a person the OP was, instead of just ignoring it and moving on?

Jeez, I have a very close friend who won't hold other people's babies until after they can sit up on their own, and she has a child.  It's just not something she's comfortable with.  I would certainly never berate her or tell her she needs psychological help for having anxiety over something so minor.  And I never felt it was ignorant or arrogant that she didn't hold my babies when they were babies, even though our sons are 12 days apart.

[MamaofLiam]

Originally Posted by Pynki 

Show me where I have been really harsh. 

When I wrote the post I really didn't have you specifically in mind. 

I quoted you b/c I wanted to point out in response to your post (about not seeing where someone said she was mentally ill) that I could see where she might have gotten that from.