So conflicted and confused - Page 5

[greenmm]

I think you need to try to be more open minded & respect her wishes especially if you want to be close with the baby. I too breastfeed but would have no problem feeding someone else's baby formula. Obviously if it were my baby it would be different. Many many many babies formula feed probably more so than breastfeed & are very healthy. I am very into cloth diapers but by no means would try to force that on anyone. If I were babysitting someone else's child and they want me to use Pampers I would do it. I just wouldn't want them on my child & i would expect someone to give me the same respect & not put disposables on the baby. She's the parent & you need to respect her wishes to be close to the baby & not give her added stress that seems unnecessary. I didn't read the earlier posts so I'm probably just mimicing others. I don't think she's doing her harm by feeding her formula so I wouldn't make it an issue, I 'm sure she is already aware of your beliefs.

[Heba]

OP, I understand.  I babysat my friend's little boy a while ago, and it nearly broke my heart to make up his bottle of formula (which unfortunately despite a suggestion to the contrary on this thread *has* been found to increase a person's risk of cardiovascular disease, and many other health conditions).  My feelings had absolutely nothing to do with judging his mum for not breastfeeding (not relevant, as it so happened that breastfeeding him at this point was just not possible). 

You are not talking about denying him food, simply that you would have a hard time giving it to him, which given the struggles that you have worked so hard to overcome in order to breastfeed is completely understandable.

Hidden in this thread, in places, are some great suggestions as to how to deal with the situation if it arises.  It sounds as if you'll have some great opportunities to snuggle and bond with your nephew during your holiday, and to give your sister-in-law a break.  I wouldn't feel at all bad for handing him back to a parent when he needs to eat, and I doubt that anyone would find it strange :).

Have a lovely time with your family.

xx

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

*possible trigger SA mentioned* For the record I was raped and still BF. IDK I keep reading if you get sexually assaulted you don't BF...it kind of makes me mad. Being raped has nothing to do with nursing a baby and my attacker was very fond of breasts...it is totally different. If a woman chooses not to for that reason that is her choice, but don't assume the sexually assaulted can't/do't want to BF. BFing actually help me feel good about my body again. Same thing with a natural birth. They actually made me have a psych eval to have a drug free non-hospital birth...I just don't get it SA and babies are totally different unless baby was from SA. Just saying...

First...I am sorry you had to go through that.  I was one of the people who pointed out sexual assault being a possible trigger/reason a mother could choose not to breastfeed.  I did not say anything like those who have been sexually assaulted can't/don't want to breastfeed and I did not see a single other thread stating that either.  Don't discount the experiences of other women just because you were able to breastfeed despite being a survivor of sexual assault.  Not everyone processes or experiences sexual assault or breastfeeding the same way.  Because you were sexually assaulted doesn't mean you will necessarily face the same breastfeeding challenges other moms might face that prevent them from being able to nurse.  Mom's mental health is incredibly important too, and if she feels like breastfeeding is detrimental to her own mental health, I don't know why she should continue.

[sosurreal09]

Here we go again I did not say anything discounting a mother's personal choice or experience. I guess I just *felt* offended that it was assumed a SA woman wouldn't be able to do it. I just hear that assumption a lot and it bothers me b/c it's not always true.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

Here we go again I did not say anything discounting a mother's personal choice or experience. I guess I just *felt* offended that it was assumed a SA woman wouldn't be able to do it. I just hear that assumption a lot and it bothers me b/c it's not always true.

Nobody assumed that though.  That was my point. 

[sosurreal09]

Right so I thought that I just explained it was me who *felt* it was assumed. OK I retract my statement! Happy?

I am just really sensitive to it b/c everyone told me I couldn't have a natural birth or BF b/c of what happened. So it is totally a personal thing and I guess I just took it the wrong way so SORRY.

[tillymonster]

Originally Posted by TCMoulton 

Originally Posted by MommyBear 

Oh for goodness sakes! I'm not denying the poor little guy anything! I'm not his caretaker in any way shape or form! I'm just there WITH HIS PARENTS chatting at a small family get together. I was just asking for suggestions on how I could politely hand the little fellow back to his mama so SHE could feed him. If I were the only adult around, yes I would feed him gladly. I would never withhold food from a baby for any reason. That is just cruel. Please don't slap that label on me. I just see such a lack of bonding with them that it makes my heart sad. Now his daddy on the other hand, it is a beautiful thing... He feeds the baby, rocks the baby, sings to the baby. It is wonderful to watch. I guess I am just a bad person for coming here to vent my feelings and to ask for advice. Sorry for making that mistake.

How is it possible that you can see a lack of bonding between the mom and baby after only having seen them together once - just because a mother chooses to not breastfeed her child in no way means that they are not bonded.

I just wanted to chime in here that I am dealing with the same thing and am trying to get past it. It's very hard when someone can judge your decision to BF, openly, but if you judge theirs, your a monster. It is a very touchy subject especially when a mom thinks she can't BF or didn't want to try.

Tolerance is difficult for me when BF is such a positive, both nutritionally and emotionally. The fact that new moms today are wasting money, time and effort on NOT BF is sad, IMHO. I salute you for persevering through medical difficulties to BF your children! All you can do is gently ask if she wants to join you at a LLL meeting or go with you to a babywearing class. If she declines, you tried and just being there for her is better then nothing. I'm finding it difficult to even talk to my SIL again but I know that with time and reflection/reframing I will get over it and so will she, and hopefully then we can hang out more. Tolerance is definitely my latest obstacle.

[MSWmama]

I wouldn't invite her to a LLL meeting, personally. To me, that would seem really pushy and besides, what is she going to get out of it at this point?  If she shows any interest in BF her next baby, of course I'd offer her as much information and support as I could, but for now what's done is done (I don't see relactation as a realistic option here). If you really truly can't handle giving the baby a bottle of formula, just hand him off at feeding time, although I personally have given many babies formula (as a relative, nanny, babysitter, etc) and it can be a fun and bonding experience if you let it be.

Originally Posted by tillymonster 



I just wanted to chime in here that I am dealing with the same thing and am trying to get past it. It's very hard when someone can judge your decision to BF, openly, but if you judge theirs, your a monster. It is a very touchy subject especially when a mom thinks she can't BF or didn't want to try.

Tolerance is difficult for me when BF is such a positive, both nutritionally and emotionally. The fact that new moms today are wasting money, time and effort on NOT BF is sad, IMHO. I salute you for persevering through medical difficulties to BF your children! All you can do is gently ask if she wants to join you at a LLL meeting or go with you to a babywearing class. If she declines, you tried and just being there for her is better then nothing. I'm finding it difficult to even talk to my SIL again but I know that with time and reflection/reframing I will get over it and so will she, and hopefully then we can hang out more. Tolerance is definitely my latest obstacle.

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

Right so I thought that I just explained it was me who *felt* it was assumed. OK I retract my statement! Happy?

I am just really sensitive to it b/c everyone told me I couldn't have a natural birth or BF b/c of what happened. So it is totally a personal thing and I guess I just took it the wrong way so SORRY.

O/T, but i'm a survivor too (i posted upthread on this) and i have to say i totally get sensitive too.  It's the whole "oh you NEVER get over that!" element that comes with SA.  It's totally rude to tell fat people they'll never be thin or cancer patients they'll definitely die, but it's fine to tell a SA survivor they'll never get over it, every aspect of their life will be affected etc. etc.  I know no-on on this thread made those assumptions but they're pretty darn common throughout society.  The idea of sexual abuse being a permanent stain on one's being/sense of self is WHY everyone is so hysterical about paedophilia in our society.  So i understand your sensitivity.  *hugs*