playing pretend and my stubborn little 3 yo, lol ( am I the only mom who just doesnt have...

[dauphinette]

Boy, I love that little girl but she can be so darn stubborn and it challenges me to say the least.

I remember as a child I could pretend things with my dolls and toys for HOURS so I think I took it for granted that my little girl would just fall into this behavior with no help necesary from me so question one:

Do I need to teach pretend play?

Next, I know I just shared that I was an avid pretender when I was little but that idea leads me to my next dilemma:

I have NO desire to play pretend with her, lol.  How awful is that, I feel terrible admitting that actually.

Sigh.

[apple o' my eye]

Children do need to "learn" to pretend, but that doesn't mean it needs to be a chore. I'm sure she is already doing it. If she's ever made a phone call from a banana or pushed 2 blocks around to make a train she is pretending.

Sounds like her interests might not be with dolls. My DD likes the plastic dolls at other peoples houses, but won't play with her cloth dolls at home. Instead it is stuffed animals. Another friend's little boy likes to "play" music, guitar, drums, keyboard.

I'd think if you provide some open ended toys or access to items that can be used as many different other things she will show you where her interests lie.

A local sears or furniture store would probably provide you with a big box to cut some doors out of and see what she wants to make out of it. A nest, fort, train, boat, spaceship etc.

DD isn't 3 yet, but our independent pretend play doesn't last for more than maybe 10-15 min at a time, then she's onto the next thing. Of course she prefers when I play with her, but can play by herself when her mood strikes.

Give yourself a break! It will all work out in time

[dauphinette]

I guess my tiredness and frustration last night prevented me from fully explaining the problem, lol.  I reread my post and it was really not a full post on the problem at all.

She is so stubborn and will not ever play on her own.  She ALWAYS wants me to play with her.  I seriously have to get stern with her and almost to the point of punishing her to get her to do something on her own.

Yes, I include her in some of my daily chores and stuff but I am a bit of an introvert at home and need lots of time doing things on my own to feel sane, lol.

Hope this helps to clarify my problem a bit.

How can I encourage her better to find ways to play on her own without me having to tell her what to do the whole time or play with her 18 hours a day!

[syn_ack89]

I think 3yrs is early to play on her own. She will eventually play alone, but I am not sure when developmentally she will be ready.

[parsley]

I don't think I have much advice but I definitely can sympathize.  My 3 yo rarely plays on her own.  And, when she does it's just for a few minutes at a time right near me.  Like if I'm cooking dinner and she doesn't want to help she might drag a bunch of stuff in and play by herself sitting on the floor. 

She is in preschool all week though so I feel like that has helped her learn how to do some non-adult organized playing and it helps me get my work done and have more time and energy for playing. 

Hang in there though... maybe you can think of some good toys or projects she can do with only a little direction?  I've been remembering my fondness as a child for paper dolls and considering getting my DD one of the magnetic doll sets we saw at the store recently.  We also will listen to music and sing along.  She'll often start dancing even if I'm busily working on something else.  Maybe there is something like that that would work for your DD?

[JanineRivera]

Just wanted to chime in to let you know that you are not alone.  I too feel bad admitting this but also don't feel like playing pretend or really much of anything at this point (blaming it on being pregnant but still is the truth.  Before I would force myself to play and now I just don't have the energy for much more than reading a few books).  I feel awful about this but it is the truth about how I feel so what can I do?  My dd will on occasion amuse herself for a few minutes at a time but then it is right back to climbing on me and asking me what we are gonna do now.  Sometimes it is just so overwhelming to think about how we are going to fill our day!!  I love my daughter more than anything but also love quiet time and reading a good book:)  I haven't quite figured out how to balance it all without a lot frustration on my part and tears from my dd.  I am interested to hear what others have to say.

[dauphinette]

To the last two posters it def. feels good to know there are other moms in the same boat.  I truely cant believe that this is the type of mom I am because of how imaginative I was as a little girl.  I want to be the best mom to her and instead I feel like a pretty crappy one.

Like another poster said, it definately scares me to think about a whole day where I have to "entertain" her.  I end up staying up late with her at night watching a movie just so that I know we will boh sleep in late, like 10 am late, and then I try and avoid entertaining her so I end up wasting precious days together.....why am I doing this?

She starts preschool in the fall and I won't even have her around as much anymore and I'm still doing this.

Blah.

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't know, I'm in the same boat, I have no interest in playing and neither does my DS, apparently. He spends zero time by himself (well, maybe once a day for 3 minutes while he's pooping lol!) and I just have no desire to be always "on" like he requires. So we just spend most of the day out of the house -- parks, library, playdates, museums, etc. -- because to me, that's far preferable to sitting around the house trying to make up some pretend game that he likely won't even be interested in or trying to do stuff while he screams at me. We do play board games and read TONS and do lots of physical play... and there are a couple of 'pretend' games I do enjoy (like pretending to be various animals, for ex.)

[MamaOnTheGo]

I feel you too!  My daughter is the same way; she wants a PERSON, not toys, and definitely not play time alone.  I live with my sister and her three boys, and if the boys come home and don't play with her immediately, she runs to them and hits them for attention.  Same goes anytime they're playing Wii or watching cartoons.  I was incredibly frustrated for a while, but then I read her astrology/natal chart (okay, hokey to some--but it really gave me some insight!) and it said that she's just very social and really needs to interact with people.  I wouldn't call myself an introvert, but without alone time I kinda hate the world too. Talking to and dealing with a toddler ALL DAY LONG can be so ridiculously exhausting, especially on top of all the other crap that has to be done.  But... I've been working on it.  If this is just the way she is, this is just the way she is.  I've found that since I've been make it my expectation that I'm going to pay significant amounts of attention to her and involve her in pretty much every activity that I do, I feel way less frustrated--and way more delighted when she does wander off and find something of her own to do--than I was with the expectation that she would be like me as a kid and want to go play by herself.  The involvement doesn't have to be elaborate, either.  Sometimes just making random comments about what she's exploring in the kitchen as I cook is enough--she just wants to know that she's loved and has a significant part in the world.  I also remember being THRILLED as a kid when I was finally old enough to help with chores--my DD thinks helping me unload the dishwasher is the greatest job in the world. And while she still does the hitting thing when the boys come home from school, she isn't going into psychotic meltdown mode every afternoon like she was before.  Another thing that has helped (especially for my sanity) is letting her play outside as much as possible.  We have a sandbox and she will spend a good hour in there most of the time.  It is heaven, I fold laundry on a big table we have outside and listen to podcasts on my ipod and the world is beautiful again.  Another thought--do you know any moms that you could "trade" with?  I bet having other kids to play with would be delightful for her, and handling two can actually be easier than handling one sometimes, especially as they get out of the "MINE!!!!" crazy toddler stage.  In any case--it is exhausting.  Stay-at-home parenting deserves a medal of honor on a resume, truly.

[apple o' my eye]

Not that I have much experience with this, but the few times I've managed to organize a Mommy's Helper have been blessed! I had a specific project I needed to get done and managed to accomplish it. I am trying to arrange that for a more regular thing, but haven't quite gotten there yet

[starling&diesel]

My dd is 28 months, and I would go crazy if she didn't play on her own.  I actually took my own mother's advice on this one, because I too can remember entertaining myself for hours on end when I was small and I wanted the same for dd, both for her imagination and self-soothing, and for my need for some space now and then during the day.  I'm not sure if it would work with the slightly older kids, but I started when she was about 18 months by getting her going on something (tea party with her stuffies, colouring, blocks, sidewalk chalk, books, glue stick and stuff to glue, etc) and then I would sit near her with a magazine or book and tell her that I was 'busy' and would play with her when the timer rang (I'd set it for two, then five, then ten minutes).  By the time we got to ten minutes (less than a week?) she didn't need the buzzer and I could read a whole magazine, with only a couple of interruptions to help her get back on track.   She's pretty good at entertaining herself now, although she always enjoys it when we participate, which I try to do -- enthusiastically -- as often as I can. 

[Comtessa]

I don't think we should feel obligated to entertain our children.  When we were children, our parents thought of themselves as the caretakers of our health, safety and general welfare... but they did not feel obligated to serve as ringmasters to our personal private circuses.  Right?  I was also an imaginative and creative child... because I was forced to do something to combat the boredom of a day without entertainment.  (We didn't have TV, either, except for rare occasions, so that wasn't an option.)  I never had any doubts that my mother loved me... but she didn't play with me. 

Here's an interesting conversation about the topic: http://www.momversation.com/momversation/do-we-really-have-play-our-kids .

I remember reading a very good article on the topic, too, but the title escapes me at present.  The main gist of the article, though, ws that children's games don't interest us because they aren't developmentally appropriate for adults to play.  We aren't SUPPOSED to be interested in children's games -- that's why they're for CHILDREN.  When we force ourselves to sit on the floor and play toddler games all day in order to keep our children entertained, we drive ourselves batty and we actually do them a disservice, IMO.  As an educator I can say with some fair certainty that the most difficult children/young adults in the classroom are the ones who are accustomed to always being entertained by someone else.   

My 2 yo certainly prefers being entertained to entertaining herself (don't we all?), but I encourage -- even force -- independent play.  She deserves to have support in developing those creative skills -- even if she doesn't think much of it now. 

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Comtessa 

As an educator I can say with some fair certainty that the most difficult children/young adults in the classroom are the ones who are accustomed to always being entertained by someone else.

One thing I'd like to point out thought -- how many of those kids may have had other issues that compelled their parents/caregivers to spend more time entertaining them? There are special issues some kids deal with that do make it unusually hard for them to entertain themselves (and those same issues might make them "difficult" in the classroom).

I don't choose to entertain DS. It's not something I enjoy or really want to do. I've tried things like starling&diesel mentioned -- starting out with just a minute or two etc. -- things like that just don't work for DS. Hopefully OT etc. will help us deal with some of his issues more effectively but I'd hate to think someone would deem him 'difficult' because of my poor parenting choice to entertain him rather than have him scream hysterically all day long... He's 'difficult' because of other issues, and I'm just doing my best to help us both get through the day...

That's not to say I don't think there is value in boredom and that in general we shouldn't encourage kids to play by themselves... I absolutely think those things are important but I'm saying that they are not necessarily possible with every kid... just the sweeping assumption got to me a bit (but I may be oversensitive about this!)

[dauphinette]

im certainly compelled by what comtessa says, but I don't know how to make it a reality.  I need more practical advice if im going to make that dream come true because right now, on that end, i'm failing :(

[MadameXCupcake]

So glad I am not the only one feeling like this. I play with DD non stop and its like PLEASE LEAVE MOMMY ALONE for 30 seconds! I try so hard to get her to play but even putting out paints and stuff its constantly Mama, mama, mama, mommmmyyyyy in the background.

Someone mentioned the magnetic dolls like the paper dolls, that is actually one of the only things she plays with on her own! I'm not allowed to play with her. :lol

I try and pull something out she likes and go mama has to do XYZ I will be in the bathroom cleaning come get me if you need me, play with your toys. It works for like five minutes sometimes if when she follows me in I tell her I am busy and to go play.

I also rotate toys which seems to help, I leave out a third and the rest are out of site, when she is driving me nuts I pull out a toy she hasn't had in a while. Only buys me a min or two but it helps!

Hope someone posts some good advice.

I love her to bits but it makes me very frustrated to have to play non stop all day.

[nelson]

Originally Posted by Comtessa 
I  As an educator I can say with some fair certainty that the most difficult children/young adults in the classroom are the ones who are accustomed to always being entertained by someone else.   

I disagree.

My DS does not play by himself well at all- always wants me, DH or friends to play with him.  I think he is just very social and enjoys the company of others.  It's not that he doesn't know how to entertain himself, he would just prefer to have a playmate.  He also does extremely well in his classroom once a week because he is so excited about large group activities and listening to the teacher and playing with the other kids.  I actually believe that he is leaps and bounds beyond most other toddler's his age in terms of social skills because he does interact with people so often.

[ElliesMomma]

can you get her in a good play based preschool?? there are still requests to play with her, and i occasionally indulge her with limited bursts of doing it. i will ask, "what do i have to do?" and she gives me a usually simple role to play. i will say, "ok, i'll do that, but then i need to move on to get some work done." and then i do it, and then i try to engage her with her dolls, etc. i have found that she loves that burst of attention, even if it's just for 5 minutes (which it usually is) -- it's better than none at all.

Edited by ElliesMomma - 5/28/11 at 9:57pm

[sapphire_chan]

I've just been reading "I'm Three Years Old: Everything  Your Three-Year-Old wants you to know about Parenting" and it suggests (as I've seen more than one place) that you set a timer after breakfast for 20-30 minutes, and get totally involved in play with your child for that time, and *then* do cleaning and such.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Comtessa 

I don't think we should feel obligated to entertain our children.  When we were children, our parents thought of themselves as the caretakers of our health, safety and general welfare... but they did not feel obligated to serve as ringmasters to our personal private circuses.  Right?  I was also an imaginative and creative child... because I was forced to do something to combat the boredom of a day without entertainment.  (We didn't have TV, either, except for rare occasions, so that wasn't an option.)  I never had any doubts that my mother loved me... but she didn't play with me. 

Here's an interesting conversation about the topic: http://www.momversation.com/momversation/do-we-really-have-play-our-kids .

I remember reading a very good article on the topic, too, but the title escapes me at present.  The main gist of the article, though, ws that children's games don't interest us because they aren't developmentally appropriate for adults to play.  We aren't SUPPOSED to be interested in children's games -- that's why they're for CHILDREN.  When we force ourselves to sit on the floor and play toddler games all day in order to keep our children entertained, we drive ourselves batty and we actually do them a disservice, IMO.  As an educator I can say with some fair certainty that the most difficult children/young adults in the classroom are the ones who are accustomed to always being entertained by someone else.   

My 2 yo certainly prefers being entertained to entertaining herself (don't we all?), but I encourage -- even force -- independent play.  She deserves to have support in developing those creative skills -- even if she doesn't think much of it now. 

Um....except how exactly is it "support" to tell a toddler through your actions (and words) "leave me alone, I'm a grown-up and your games aren't developmentally appropriate for me"? (Which in two year old understanding = "Your games are so yucky that you don't get time with Mommy when you want to play your yucky games")

You know how to get a 6 year old who can play alone (which is a developmentally appropriate ability)? By playing WITH your 3 year old (which is a developmentally appropriate need).
 

[hopefulfaith]

I came in from the front page, even though I don't have toddlers anymore.  I'm an unapologetic not-play-pretend-mom.  

I have never pretended to "be the dinosaur" while my son was something else, etc.  It is just not my cup of tea.  I am largely a SAHM and have been since my first child's birth - I have been with my kids 24/7 for years, and I'm all about doing stuff with them.  We play outside, play games, make art, cook together, do chores together --- all that kind of thing.  However, I do draw the line at being a dinosaur/robot/kitty cat/dog/pet turtle.  Not my thing.  I will totally play Candy Land on a moment's notice - not a problem.  Picnic lunch in the woods?  Great! ..... but no "You be the dog, I'll be the owner!"

However, I can say that I have that option since my children are so close together in age.  My kids did it with each other and didn't need me.

I have no idea what parents of only/further-spaced children do.  ;)