Thanks Mamas for all your thoughts. I did go to my doctor yesterday and had a vaginal ultrasound. She could not see anything, but thought it may just be too early to see anything. She did blood work and I will find out more later today. I took another test because I started wondering if maybe I was wrong, but nope, pink line showed up darker than I have ever seen a line show up before...and quick.
She did talk with me about a medical abortion vs. a surgical one and assured me that it would be okay to take while nursing...so that is something I need to research a little more. My husband and I talked about it a lot again last night and while we both agree that it sucks, t is just the right thing to do. My DS is very high needs and I feel like it would be incredibly unfair to him since my DH will also be deploying.
Originally Posted by Lizbiz
Hugs to you during such a difficult time. Is there ANY way you could move home (back to the States) to receive more support while your husband is deployed and that way you could just have this baby? Isn't there some way to make it work? You are already pregnant...
As for your nursing - I imagine you'll be fine either way. Each mom is different - but milk supply usually lasts a while into pregnancy. Mine lasted to 5 months with my second pregnancy and then dried up - my DS was about the same age when I got pregnant with my second. I'm sure if you have the abortion, you'll need rest and fluids and support, just as in any surgery, but you should be able to keep nursing as long as you're not taking meds after the anesthetic wears off. You may have to pump and dump once or so and plan for a bottle or a sippy for that feeding.
You are in my thoughts during such a difficult time. I can hear the grief in your writing and just want to encourage you to listen to your sadness in this instance. I understand the desperation of not wanting to be alone with all 3 and have your husband miss your 3rd baby's first year. But, would it not be better for your husband to miss only this baby's first year, rather than choose not to have the baby at all and miss his/her entire life?
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through and wish you peace and strength during this difficult time.
Going home is possible, but all in all it means that over a three year period, we will have spent over 2.5 years apart from my husband. My DD is in school, she has been forced to move around enough as it is and it seems cruel to add extra moves into the mix. My DH really wants to be around the first year. Being away from my DS for the first year this time around was hard enough for him. For us, while we would like to continue with the pregnancy, we simply feel like the cards are "stacked against us" and ending the pregnancy is REALLY the best thing for our family. Plus, if I moved near family, I think that would be more stressful for me than being alone in Germany. My in-laws are great people, but have VERY different parenting ideas. Breastfeeding, Natural childbirth, co-sleeping, babywearing...it is all something my MIL/SIL are very against and she WILL try to "push" their agenda on me. In some ways, being away from family WAS good. I just can't imagine myself being able to juggle it all in a HEALTHY way this time.
Originally Posted by parsley
I'm glad you decided to post about what you are going through. It's often hard to admit among mother-community's that sometimes the best thing we can do for our family is decide NOT to have another child. I had a similar situation a few years ago and have to admit that while I am completely pro-choice I have felt embarresed to admit my choice to some friends and family as I felt they wouldn't understand. I'm nervous even posting here as I just joined and don't want to feel alienated from a community that I want to be a part of. But I'm replying to you in case my story will help...
My DD is a very demanding child. She *literally* couldn't sleep without my nipple in her mouth for the first 6 months of her life, woke up every 45 min all night every night for almost 2 years, has always been highly demanding of my time and attention. I have a high pressure job that I worked really hard for. When she was around 1 1/2, I got pregnant accidentally and our reaction was horror. We did not feel like we could have another child... I felt like it would be heartbreaking for my DD to have to grow up too soon, it would ruin my career, I was already depressed due to some unexpected and shocking deaths in my family and I thought I might have a nervous breakdown from the stress.
We scheduled an abortion for 6 1/2 weeks. I don't regret if for an instant. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life; I recognized my own limits, the type of mother and person I want to be and made the decision that was truly best for my family. In that case, having an abortion was about being a good mother to the daughter I wanted and deciding that I could not bring a child I didn't want into the world, even if I knew I would come to love him/her in the long run.
A few comments about the actual experience. I don't know the laws or logistics in Germany. But, in the U.S., the experience was not at all traumatic. I used a private dr recommended to my by Planned Parenthood bc of my health insurance. The procedure lasted 20 minutes or so from start to finish. I declined both anesthesia and antibiotics as I was worried about breastfeeding and I it was painful but bearable.
*There was no effect on being able to breastfeed at all.*
I was also told my that dr. (a pioneer in medical abortion) that it would have actually been fine to have a medical abortion and that the meds wouldn't have passed through my milk. His research had found no greater risk than many everyday toxicity's-- alcohol, artificial sweeteners, etc...
I would say, that you need to make sure that the decision you make is one that you feel is right for you. But, for what it's worth, I haven't regretted my abortion for a minute and I know it was the right decision for me and my family. We're now TTC #2 and are elated-- we're looking forward to bringing another child into the world into a family that's ready for it and with parents who can properly care for him/her.
Very best wishes to you.
This response made me feel a million times better because I can really relate. My DS is SO needy. My husband and I feel like it would be "devastating" for him to have a new baby and have Daddy deploy all at the same time. I can't imagine that he will be THAT much less needy in 35ish weeks. He is an awesome kid, but really needs a lot of time and attention. I am constantly on my toes with him. I love it. I really do, and I really feel like I am able to love his personality and embrace it at this point. I really think that having another baby at this point would "crush his spirit/personality" and I don't want to do that. Not only that, but I am just starting to feel "normal" again. I really do think that I handled the last deployment really well, but it really meant that I spent a year putting on makeup less than a handful of times, I didn't get my haircut, I wasn't able to go to the gym....I had no balance. Even reading a book for myself was tough. That may sound selfish, and I am not doing it for only these reasons, but I really NEED me time. Add that with a baby who still doesn't sleep well at all, I feel like my health went out the door. I am normally a very healthy person, but I was sick all winter. I had planned on taking more classes during this upcoming deployment and maybe even working a little. This is the longest time I have not worked and since my DS will be in school some during the next deployment (German Kindergarten, only a few hours a day) I had planned on trying to work a little during that time. I love being a SAHM, but I also NEED balance.
My biggest concern with the medical abortion was the possibility of my milk drying up. I feel like I had read somewhere that someone's supply completely tanked after a medical abortion. That would break my heart. :(
Originally Posted by milkcake
All too recently I was in an almost identical situation - my DH was getting ready to deploy for a long time, and where we were stationed at the time I was completely alone. The major difference for me was that it would be my first child - it was my very first pregnancy. As happy as I was to get my BFP it took only a few days for the reality of it to sink in; I would be alone in a foreign land with my first child and no one to call on for advice or help. I already have depression/anxiety problems, in addition to PTSD, Panic Disorder, and agoraphobia. DH and I decided that for both the child and myself, the best thing was not to go through with it.
In the end, my DH changed his mind - after supporting me initially he (after talking to his mother and sisters about the situation) decided he hated me for what happened, and blames me for his pain of the loss.
We are now separated and divorcing.
I know how hard it is to talk about it, but if you know it's the right choice don't let anyone else make you doubt your decision. As for the herbal methods, I've heard they can be very dangerous. I did the medical since I was at 7.5wks, but surgical shouldn't detriment your milk. They will most likely want to give you antibiotics though, which is your choice on taking or not.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you sound very brave. Sending peace and strength your way
I am sorry that you are dealing with all of this Mama. :(
I am now thinking of possibly doing the medical instead of surgical. I am just a little afraid because from what I understand it can be pretty uncomfortable at home, there may be throwing up involved and a lot of cramping/blood. This would be fine, if I wasn't worried about taking care of my DS at the same time. Daddy would help of course, but I think knowing he wanted me while I wasn't feeling good would just make me feel worse. Was it really that bad?