How do you keep from being resentful?

[Guest2]

Background.  STBX told me he was leaving, looked for an apartment the next day, and was gone before the week was out.  This has been super hard on all the kids. 

I got married and had kids with someone who agreed with me on parenting philosophy etc because i wanted an intact family and a certain kind of partnership where i and the kids had support.  Obviously that did not last :P

When i am up till midnight doing all the parenting every.single.night. And i am dealing with the fallout from *his* decisions - i am dealing with the tears over "why daddy left", and the fighting and tantrums and acting out.  I am dealing with the teething baby up every hour all night.

And i get to know that while i am struggling with this, he is out having the time of his life.   I am angry that he can just abdicate his responsibilities.  While i dealt with the baths, hair washing, bedtime, drama, crying, fighting, etc last night for 4 hours he was literally 1 minute away from his kids.  He was at HER house eating a home cooked meal uninterrupted, then watching a movie with no distractions, then having sex, then getting a full nights sleep. 

Now, i know i get the worst of them because they feel safe with me.  And i also get the best of them because they are not angry with me.  I get 90% of the hugs and kisses and i love you mommy cards.

Even with this i get angry and resentful that MY life and the KIDS life had to change so drastically because of his poor choices and HE gets rewarded by easy street.

So, after all that long post.  How do you deal.  How do you let go of the anger and resentment?   I don't like feeling like this. 

[Avani]

Honestly it just took a lot of time and therapy. For me it took a few years and even now still I feel a bit resentful here and there but nowhere near as bad as it was in the beginning. I see a therapist twice a month, I make sure to go out and have fun every now and again and I really try to be grateful for all I do have. But really time is what helped. I am not the type to jump into a new relationship so I've spent alot of time with the kids healing and creating a new scared space for us to be in. redefining what family is for us. It may seem like he is having the time of his life but I guarantee somewhere deep inside he is scared and miserable. It will get better.

[Guest2]

Thank you Avani.  I also see a therapist a few times a month.  I know it is fresh and time will heal a lot.  I just get mad that i had to change my life so much and so quickly and the kids are suffering and he doesn't have to deal. 

This just isn't who i am.  I am not a bitter angry untrusting person and I don't like feeling this way.

[bananabee]

My ex was like that before he left. Avoided any kind of responsibility that wasn't his own fun thing. Being a single mommy is HARD work, but at least now I don't have a critic. My ex seems to spend a lot of time hating me, from what I can tell. I think he does that to keep himself from looking at his own actions and attitude, and to convince other people that he's right in being angry at me. So, even though he's able to do whatever he wants with his free time, I'm sure he's miserable on the inside. And if he's not, then he has absolutely no moral compass, and life with him would have been hell if he'd stayed. DD is too young to know the difference right now. I hope your kids will soon appreciate all you do for them and how much you care. I hope they won't be greatly damaged by his actions. *hugs* It sucks. But it's not about him anymore, even though he thinks it is.