Disappointed in doula, a little hurt too

[Lisa1970]

I met with a doula early on. I basically told her I wanted to hire her, but wanted to wait until closer to 20 weeks. She said she would put me on her schedule and email me the contracts so I could look them over and we could get together after that and do the contracts and pay her. I thought all was fine. She said she would take no other clients in that spot, as she limits how many she takes with a certain due date. As far as meeting her goes, it was at a vbac meeting, not just a meeting for us, but we did spend time talking after and this is what we agreed to.

The first time I called her about hiring her, before meeting her, she took about a week to get back with me. Then, when she said she was going to send me the contracts, again, she took a week to get back to me. Both times it bothered me, but the first time she had an excuse and the 2nd time, I figured she was not in a hurry as they did not need to be signed and all that day. Last week is when we were supposed to get together to meet for a real meeting and I pay her and we go over the contracts and all. But, last week, I also had an incident of getting sick and having to go to the hospital with contractions and fever. Before I went to the hospital, I emailed her via facebook about needing to call. I had not yet made the decision to go to the hospital at the time and was having troubles with the doctor, but did not mention all that in the facebook email. For all she knew, I might have been emailing to set up time and place for our meeting we were supposed to have last week. 

But it has been 8 days and I have not heard from her. She posts on FB though so she clearly has time and has been on facebook and gotten my message. She also has been posting during this time to the email group we are on. To make matters worse, there have been posts about how great she is and how supportive she was to other women and how she has spent hours talking to her other clients and how close they felt. AND, she even "liked" something on my FB page. 

I am glad I did not mail her the check. I had offered to mail her the check but she said I could give it to her when I see her in person. I am really disappointed that she is so nice to all her other clients, and then gave me the total blow off rather than telling me she did not want to be my doula. It was made clear that I was not interviewing anyone else. She is so nice to everyone else, but clearly has dropped me with no notice..not even now. 

[artekah]

You shouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that she's blown you off just because she hasn't replied to a Facebook message. She could be like me--I primarily use Facebook with an app on my smartphone. Posting quick comments, status updates, and "liking" things is easy from my phone, whereas typing out replies to messages takes a while, so I try to wait till I can get to my computer for that, which happens like once a week. Maybe she honestly has not checked her FB messages--or she has too many sitting there to read and has given up! (Not the most professional, but not horrible either if that's the case.) Some people are flakey about correspondence, but that doesn't mean they're necessarily undependable in other ways. You certainly shouldn't make any assumptions about her silence!

I really would just try to follow up with her another way--do you have her phone or email?

[Lisa1970]

All our emails have been via facebook. I used to have her number, but when we got new phones a couple weeks ago, her number did not get transferred over. I looked through the emails and she had never sent me her number.

[Italiamom]

Mama, if you're getting red flags now, I'd try to find another doula.  Before you make a deposit, before you sign on the dotted line...

I realize that there are often great reasons that doulas (or anyone, for that matter) can't get back to someone in a timely fashion.  But if you expressed interest in hiring this person, and she provided you no contact information (like a telephone number, or a real, bonafide email address)...  I dunno.  Recommendations matter a lot, but so do professionalism and trust.

I'm not sure of your situation...  I know that there are parts of the country where doulas are indeed hard to find.  But if you are fortunate enough to live in an area with more than one, I would probably keep shopping.

[lovebeingamomma]

Sounds like you were expecting her to treat you like a client, when in fact, you're not a client yet.  Maybe she thought getting back to you immediately wasn't important, because you had asked her to wait til your were further along.  Maybe she's fabulous once you sign the dotted line, that's what the testimonies from others seem to indicate.  I think talking to her would be necessary anyways at this point, because she still has you on her calendar and isn't accepting other clients in your spot, a sane doula wouldn't just drop clients without a word.  So if you're not going to use her you really should let her know somehow.

[kcparker]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

I met with a doula early on. I basically told her I wanted to hire her, but wanted to wait until closer to 20 weeks. She said she would put me on her schedule and email me the contracts so I could look them over and we could get together after that and do the contracts and pay her. I thought all was fine. She said she would take no other clients in that spot, as she limits how many she takes with a certain due date. As far as meeting her goes, it was at a vbac meeting, not just a meeting for us, but we did spend time talking after and this is what we agreed to.

The first time I called her about hiring her, before meeting her, she took about a week to get back with me. Then, when she said she was going to send me the contracts, again, she took a week to get back to me. Both times it bothered me, but the first time she had an excuse and the 2nd time, I figured she was not in a hurry as they did not need to be signed and all that day. Last week is when we were supposed to get together to meet for a real meeting and I pay her and we go over the contracts and all. But, last week, I also had an incident of getting sick and having to go to the hospital with contractions and fever. Before I went to the hospital, I emailed her via facebook about needing to call. I had not yet made the decision to go to the hospital at the time and was having troubles with the doctor, but did not mention all that in the facebook email. For all she knew, I might have been emailing to set up time and place for our meeting we were supposed to have last week. 

But it has been 8 days and I have not heard from her. She posts on FB though so she clearly has time and has been on facebook and gotten my message. She also has been posting during this time to the email group we are on. To make matters worse, there have been posts about how great she is and how supportive she was to other women and how she has spent hours talking to her other clients and how close they felt. AND, she even "liked" something on my FB page. 

I am glad I did not mail her the check. I had offered to mail her the check but she said I could give it to her when I see her in person. I am really disappointed that she is so nice to all her other clients, and then gave me the total blow off rather than telling me she did not want to be my doula. It was made clear that I was not interviewing anyone else. She is so nice to everyone else, but clearly has dropped me with no notice..not even now. 

I wouldn't take it personally. It sounds like she might just have a practice style that isn't a good match for you, at least in terms of timely responses. As others have pointed out, maybe she only kicks it up a notch once you have actually signed the contract and given her money.

For me personally, a week is too long a time to wait to call back, but acceptable to send paperwork for signatures if the mom is still early on and seems unconcerned about getting things done right away. If you still want to work with her, I'd send her one facebook msg. or email, say that you want to have a meeting at X time and place, and ask if she can please send you her full contact info: email, home phone, cell phone to facilitate communication. And let her know that you want to work with her, but you also need to know that she will get back to you promptly once you are officially her client - what if you happened to go into labor early, or had a fast labor?

But if it makes you nervous or you feel you can't trust her, then look for another doula.

[sunanthem]

I too, think if you're feeling weird then maybe this isn't the gal for you.. but I did want to mention, that 2 of my friends recently have been having trouble with Facebook stealing their messages and them not showing up for months... one is a professional photographer who was pretty pissed when messages from 3 months ago finally showed up in her inbox all at once.

Just sayin; it might not be her. But on the other hand, you don't even have her phone number? That to me is weird.

[Lisa1970]

She called me and said she messages me back on FB but I never got it and it is not in the history on my computer, but is on hers. I had had her number at first, but it was saved on my phone and the actual phone broke so I had to replace the phone. So it was not that she withheld it, but rather that I did not have it.

[matte]

FB is a very bad system to use for this kind of contact. I'd just let her know that apparently FB is broken, and to post her real contact information on her FB page (a voicemail number, a work-only email, whatever). Or, if you're really uncomfortable with the fact that she hasn't gotten back to you, let her know that you have found someone else to work with. Drama via FB is no good for anyone, the timing of FB messages is VERY unreliable.

[lovebeingamomma]

so it sounds like it was not her fault at all?  Facebook broken, and you lost her number.  So did you work it out with her?
 

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

She called me and said she messages me back on FB but I never got it and it is not in the history on my computer, but is on hers. I had had her number at first, but it was saved on my phone and the actual phone broke so I had to replace the phone. So it was not that she withheld it, but rather that I did not have it.