WAS THE OTHER PARENT OUT OF LINE? I FOUND IT WAS RUDE

[contactmaya]

HERE ARE 2 EXAMPLES OF OTHER PARENT BEHAVIOR THAT BOTHERED ME. WOULD IT HAVE BOTHERED YOU? WOULD YOU HAVE DONE WHAT THE OTHER PARENT DID? HOW WOULD YOU HAVE RESPONDED TO THEM?

YESTERDAY-WE WERE AT A RUMMAGE SALE. DS 5 AND A LITTLE BOY NOT QUITE 2, WERE PLAYING WITH A TRAIN TRACK. DS5 ASKED ME TO BUY IT, AND  I SAID YES.  SO WE BEGAN TO PACK IT UP, BUT THE OTHER LITTLE BOY STARTS WAILING. SO I STOOPED OVER, AND SAID, HE COULD KEEP PLAYING WITH IT FOR A LITTLE WHILE IF HE WANTED. HE KEPT CRYING. HIS MOTHER, SPEAKING RUSSIAN, WAS SAYING SOMETHING,  PROBABLY,-YOU CANT HAVE IT, LETS GO DO SOMETHING ELSE. CANT SAY FOR SURE, SHE WAS SPEAKING RUSSIAN.  SINCE THE KID WAS CRYING VERY LOUDLY, AND FELT VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THE SITUATION. I JUST SAID, ' YOU KNOW ITS OK, HE CAN PLAY WITH IT IF HE WANTS'

SHE SHUSHED ME, AND KEPT TALKING TO HER CHILD, THEN PULLED HIM AWAY.

WHATEVER HER IDEAS ON DISCIPLINE ARE, I THOUGHT IT WAS RUDE TO SHUSH ME. 

2ND EXAMPLE-WE WENT TO AN EVENT, AND MY 2YO, WHO CAN BE INCLINED NOT TO SHARE, SAW A BIG TOY. 2 KIDS COULD PLAY AT A TIME, BUT NOT 3. SO HOVERING CLOSELY, OTHER DAD AND MYSELF TRIED TO MANAGE THESE KIDS TO AVOID A FIGHT. MY KID WAITED HIS TURN, BUT NOT VERY PATIENTLY. FINALLY, HE GOT PUSHY WITH THE THIRD CHILD, WHOSE PARENT WASNT THERE.

OF COURSE,  I APOLOGIZED TO THE PUSHEE, AND DISCIPLINED MY DS ON THE SPOT, TO THE EFFECT-ITS NOT NICE TO PUSH ETC ETC. BEFORE I COULD EVEN FINISH WHAT I WAS SAYING, THE ,MOTHER OF PUSHED CHILD, WHO WAS ALSO ORGANIZING THE EVENT, CAME OVER AND DISCPLINED MY CHILD. -JAW DROP-

I JUST FOUND IT WEIRD.  CERTAINLY A BIT RUDE, IMPLYING THAT I  WAS  NOT TAKING CARE OF THE SITUATION.

IN BOTH SITUATIONS, I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING. DO BE HONEST, I WAS SPEECHLESS.

I HAVE TRIED TO THINK OF IT FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF THE OTHER PARENT, BUT TO BE HONEST, I HOPE I NEVER COME ACROSS THIS RUDE TO SOMEONE ELSE WHEN PARENTING  MY KIDS.  I BELIEVE ALL PEOPLE DESERVE A MODICUM OF RESPECT, WHETHER THEY BE YOUR 2YO OR SOME TOTAL STRANGER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?

[contactmaya]

PS. MY KEYBOARD   ONLY WORKS IN UPPER CASE, I HOPE THE CAPITALS DONT PUT ANYONE OFF READING THE POST. I M REALLY INTERESTED TO HEAR WHAT OTHERS HAVE TO SAY

[mamaboss]

Well, it's definitely awkward that she shushed you! But my perspective on that situation as a whole is when my child is doing something that to me isn't ok, it bothers me when other parents or adults just say "Oh, it's fine" or something similar. If I've already asked my child not to do something I don't think another adult should override that, even if they're just trying to diffuse the situation or what have you. 

The second case, as long as you were taking care of your own child, the other parent doesn't have a right to discipline yours. I think in a case where one child hurts another physically or verbally and the other parent isn't present or obviously isn't doing anything you should absolutely say something like "That's not ok" or "Please don't do/say that" but if the parent or responsible adult is handling that then I'd leave it be. 

If I was in either situation I probably wouldn't say anything just to avoid a more awkward situation but I think you're in the right to be irritated by both. Hope that helps!!

[contactmaya]

 PERHAPS THE FIRST CASE WAS A LANGUAGE ISSUE.

[Ldavis24]

I think you need to reread your post. The first example you got huffy because a woman stopped you from interfering with her own disciplining of her child by shushing you and in the second example you got huffy because someone came over and tried to discipline your child while you were trying to do it yourself. Do you see what I am saying? You are getting angry about basically the very thing you did to the first woman...

I would have shushed you to or asked you to not interfere if I was trying to deal with my own kid in my own way. I don't think it's rude. I DO think it's rude to interfere when a mother is trying to deal with her own kid though....It drives my crazy when my family does that and I have literally said to my own family members "back off" and I'd say it to a stranger too.

[treeoflife3]

Yeah, in the first situation, I thought you were rude.  I can't stand when people tell my kid she can do something when I am in the middle of saying no unless it is just the once the first time because I honestly didn't know (like at a friend's house telling kiddo not to touch a cell phone.  friend can say 'oh its broken and the kids use it to play with' but if I continue to say no, maybe not wanting her to learn to play with real phones at all, I expect her to go with MY rule first.  You told the kid he could play with it, but mom was saying no and you said it AGAIN... I find that rude.  I wouldn't have shushed, I would have glared though.

In the second situation, the mom was doing similar to what you did in the first situation albeit much more obnoxiously.  I would have told her not to discipline your child for you because it is your child and you have it under control.  They can discipline theirs.

[amma_mama]

I see the two situations as two sides of one coin.

In the first case, you offered to let the child play but the mother chose to have her own discussion with her child. Whether you agreed with her approach or not (and you could not even make that judgment since she was speaking in another language), you should not intervene in another parent's parenting, unless it was clearly physically or verbally abusive to the child. While shushing you was "rude", so was your continued interference once she was on the case. I understand that you were trying to be nice and helpful, but it may not have felt that way to her and you, in fact, interrupted her discussion with her child - I may have shushed a stranger under the same circumstances as I just wanted to deal with my child and did not have the time or inclination in that moment to be politely reject the offer. Also, what sounds like "rough" speech in another language may not in fact be so. I work in other countries where I was sure I was in a meeting with people who disagreed with eachother, only to find out that the (vigorously) agreed. If you cannot understand the words, it is best not to judge.

In the second case, you were there to parent your own child and she had no business scolding your child. In that case, I would have piped up and said, "Thank you, I have already taken ccare of the situation with my child", leaving her to speak to her own child as shee sees fit under the circumstances.

In both cases, I am on the same side of the coin - do not intervene in another parent's parenting, unless it is a clear case of physical or verbal abuse.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by Ldavis24 

I think you need to reread your post. The first example you got huffy because a woman stopped you from interfering with her own disciplining of her child by shushing you and in the second example you got huffy because someone came over and tried to discipline your child while you were trying to do it yourself. Do you see what I am saying? You are getting angry about basically the very thing you did to the first woman...

I would have shushed you to or asked you to not interfere if I was trying to deal with my own kid in my own way. I don't think it's rude. I DO think it's rude to interfere when a mother is trying to deal with her own kid though....It drives my crazy when my family does that and I have literally said to my own family members "back off" and I'd say it to a stranger too.

Bingo!  OP, you are being hypocritical in this case.  I agree with all of the above.

[Mrs. Bratton]

Mmmmm, no. I disagree with everyone else. Those 2 situations were completely different. In the first situation she was not interfering. She was simply telling the mother that she didn't mind if he played with it and the rude woman shushed her. She didn't say it twice. She said it ONCE to the child and I assume the mother didn't hear that part. She only told the mother once. Usually when people tell you 'No, it's ok" they are not trying to interfere with your parenting. They just assume that you are being polite by correcting the child and trying to save them from the awkward situation of having to correct your child. Ex: "Hey kid, don't play with my phone", lol. They assume you think they are bothered by it and they are just letting you know they aren't. Those of you who get offended by that or think it's rude need to work on manners. I usually just say something like, 'No, I am really trying to teach her not to do that.'. Then they get it.

In the second case the person was disciplining her child while she was already doing so. That is rude.

[Sharlla]

Dont find either one odd. situation  #1 is the cultural differences and you were interfering.  situation #2 it's pretty common for other parents to speak up. i dont personally equate teaching playground etiquette as disciplining.  but if you were handling it I personally wouldn't see the need to intervene.

[treegardner]

I think both situations are the same, you were just on different sides of them.

 

[Tjej]

I don't think the first mom was rude - it seems to me that you were interfering with her parenting.  Maybe she couldn't talk to you in English and explain her reasoning behind her parenting choice (which she really shouldn't have had to explain to you anyway), so she shushhed instead.  That's what it looks like to me.  It also drives me batty when people undermine my limits.  If someone else buys the toy it's sold.  The 2yo playing with it for another minute or two might even just make it worse.  It sure would with my son.  He'd be just as or more upset losing the toy the second time. 

The second mom - if she was busy maybe she didn't realize how you were handling it.  If she knew you were handling it she may or may not have been rude.  I think it depends on tone.  Sometimes, it seems to be helpful for kids to realize that rules aren't just "mom's rules" and that other people agree with them.  How exactly did she "discipline" your kid?

Tjej

[contactmaya]

 Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs. Bratton 

Mmmmm, no. I disagree with everyone else. Those 2 situations were completely different. In the first situation she was not interfering. She was simply telling the mother that she didn't mind if he played with it and the rude woman shushed her. She didn't say it twice. She said it ONCE to the child and I assume the mother didn't hear that part. She only told the mother once. Usually when people tell you 'No, it's ok" they are not trying to interfere with your parenting. They just assume that you are being polite by correcting the child and trying to save them from the awkward situation of having to correct your child. Ex: "Hey kid, don't play with my phone", lol. They assume you think they are bothered by it and they are just letting you know they aren't. Those of you who get offended by that or think it's rude need to work on manners. I usually just say something like, 'No, I am really trying to teach her not to do that.'. Then they get it.

In the second case the person was disciplining her child while she was already doing so. That is rude.

THANKS MRS BRATTON. AFTER READING  SOME OF THE OTHER POSTS, I  GOTTA SAY, ITS A BIT SCARY TO POST HERE SOMETIMES.

TO BE HONEST, I WAS MODELLING SHARING FOR MY 5YO, AND HE SAID HE DIDNT MIND IF THE CHILD PLAYED FOR A LITTLE WHILE.  I DIDNT INTERRUPT THE MOTHER, SHE WAS LATE TO THE SCENE ACTUALLY AND INTERRUPTED ME.

 

I ALSO THINK THAT EVEN WHEN PARENTING OUR CHILDREN, BEING MINDFUL OF OTHERS IS IMPORTANT. (WHEN ITד POSSIBLE)

I AGREE IT CAN BE ANNOYING WHEN IT APPEARS THAT OTHERS ARE INTERFERING IN PARENTING, OR OFFERING UNWANTED ADVICE ETC, BUT NONETHELESS, UNLESS IM IN A REALLY BAD MOOD AND NO EXTRA ENERGY LEFT, I TRY ALWAYS TO SEE THE BEST INTENTIONS IN OTHERS, SO IF IT HAD HAPPENED TO ME, I WOULD HAVE TRIED TO SEE THE GOOD INTENTION ON THE PART OF THE PERSON OFFERING TO SHARE, AND SAID THANKYOU, BUT POLITELY DECLINED IF I WANTED TO DISCIPLINE MY SON. ACTUALLY, THIS SITUATION HAS COME UP OFTEN BEFORE,  AND THAT IS WHAT I ALWAYS DO.

 

I HOPE MY KIDS TURN OUT TO BE MINDFUL OF OTHERS, AND I HOPE I MODEL THAT FOR THEM.

Originally Posted by treeoflife3 
 

In the second situation, the mom was doing similar to what you did in the first situation albeit much more obnoxiously.  I would have told her not to discipline your child for you because it is your child and you have it under control.  They can discipline theirs.

PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING, BUT  SINCE   MY KID WAS THE ONE DOING THE PUSHING, I FELT A BIT SHY ABOUT IT.  

 

 L

 

 

 

 

[amma_mama]

With all due respect,OP, you asked what people thought about the two situations, so that is what many of us did. It just so happens that not everybody agrees with you on the first example, though of course we were not there and only have your brief description to go on. I understand that you were teaching your son about sharing and were trying to be helpful since the child was upset. But you did, in fact, intervene in her parenting and seemed to be judging her without knowing what she was even saying to her child. While she may have been rude in her tone, while you were trying to bestow a perceived act of kindness, I think that most posters just wanted to point out that another parent may have reasonably found such an interjection to be undesired and at cross-purposes with what they wanted to communicate to their child in the moment. Sorry it turned out that way. I think both situations are good reminders that we all need to be mindful of not stepping on the toes of other parents, whether it is to discipline another child or to jump into somebody else's discussion with their child.

[One_Girl]

A lot of people say things when they are being interfered with so I don't think that was strange and I would have done the same thing.  Perhaps the mother wanted to leave and he really couldn't share the toy because it was time to go or she may have wanted him with her so she could watch him closer while shopping which also really had nothing to do with sharing the toy for a while longer.  It is also not uncommon for mom's to tell other kids not to hurt their children, though it is strange she did it if she did notice that you were already handling the situation.  In that instance I think the interfering was uncalled for, but you also interfered so I think you should try to look at it as a learning experience and keep it in mind next time you want to jump in when a parent is trying to handle a situation. 

[MamaMunchkin]

OP, 

I'd probably feel the same way as you do.  

In the first case, mom wasn't there when you told her DS he could play.  Then, once mom arrived, you told her her DS could play, after all she wasn't there when you told her DS.  I think it was very nice of you.  You're right, it could be a language problem and perhaps cultural too - could shushing be not considered rude in some culture ... don't know ...

In the second case, it would probably bother me too.  And speechless too.  And probably fuming afterwards.

Sorry OP, both cases sound very unpleasant 

[milkybean]

"I HOPE MY KIDS TURN OUT TO BE MINDFUL OF OTHERS, AND I HOPE I MODEL THAT FOR THEM."

 

 

Well...you might want to "model" sharing, but the other mom was realizing the reality of the situation and acting on it.  This is a toy that YOU were about to buy, about to own.  She wanted to get her child out of the way, so this could happen.  It was yours, and this was a rummage sale, NOT a play date. 

 

And...maybe she didn't want her child to play with that toy, maybe it was time to go, maybe she just didn't want her kid in that situation.  And if she doesn't know much English, the shush might have been out of frustration. 

 

It's her kid.  She gets to stop someone else from talking to her child if she wants to...

 

 

[new2this]

They are both the same type of situations. You just happened to be on both sides. 

The first one I took the shushing as a language barrier. And while you told the child it was okay. It doesn't matter the mom was appearing to say no. So I don't find it rude at all but mainly because I think if there wasn't a language barrier she might have said no thats okay I got this. 

The second situation eh you were handling it and the other parent wasn't there to see it so yes she should not have stepped in. i would have been put off about it as well. 

[limabean]

I don't think anyone, in either of the situations, did anything terribly wrong. They seem like the sorts of normal miscommunications/mildly uncomfortable situations that just happen sometimes. No one's the villain there, IMO. 

[journeymom]

OP, you say the one mom 'disciplined' your child. How so?

I don't think anyone handled this perfectly. 

On the one hand I know my toddler, know that I need to move fast if it looks like he's about to have a fit about a toy he isn't going to be taking home. So I'd be pretty irked if a mom tells me it's OK, when I know the situation is not OK.  

Seriously, giving my less-than-2 y.o. another couple of minutes to play with a toy that he wasn't going to keep would only serve to put the crying off for another couple of minutes.

On the other hand I wouldn't shush another mom. That's rude.  OP your intentions were good and certainly were not rude.

I can see why people are saying the OP ended up on both sides of the same coin. But I do think intentions are important.  It's just that in the heat of the moment good intentions aren't always perceived.