Moms of High Need Babes--I need positive stories!

[konayossie]

I would love to hear some positive stories from those of you who had a HN child and went on to have a more typical-needs child...

I am currently pregnant with #2, who is due in early fall. DS1 is now 25 months (he'll be about 2.5 when DS2 arrives), and I am still pretty traumatized from his rough start. I had a complicated late pregnancy, pretty awful L&D experience ending with an emergent c/s when I had planned a natural birth (so lots of disappointment to start with). When DS "woke up" about 2 weeks after birth, he pretty much nursed all day (incredibly painful for me for the first 5 months due to Reynaud's/vasospasms), and when he wasn't nursing he was crying. He didn't sleep at all during the day. He slept for short periods at night, if I slept with him (we came to cosleeping out of necessity). He suffered from reflux, and he did seem a bit happier after he got on meds (and then better meds), but still cried A LOT and his sleeping never has improved. Thankfully i ended up having about 5 months off of work with him just because of the timing of his birth (I teach). He's a delightful little boy now, just extremely active and still a terrible sleeper. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row since before he was born.

I am absolutely terrified of having another one like him this time, to the point where I am truly finding it hard to get excited about this baby, even though we had been actively TTC earlier in the year (but were NOT when I got pregnant), and we definitely WANT another child. I am so scared that DS2 will be like DS1 and my life is going to spin completely out of control again. This time (b/c of this baby's arrival not being timed well in terms of the school year), I'm going to have to go back to my job at 6 weeks, and I will probably need to be available for email, and work from home as much as possible, even before that. DS1 is going to stay in daycare even while I am at home, but I am just so scared of having another super-high needs baby. I was a walking zombie for about the first 6 months, and I had a really hard time my first school year back, even though DS was doing much better.

I guess I just want to hear that it's possible I'm going to end up with a nice mellow baby and be able to transition back to work without losing my mind.

[XanaduMama]

Yes, there's hope! ds was such an incredibly high needs baby, like yours: nursed constantly, couldn't ever be put down (EVER), never slept, and also had reflux that made him miserable. Just an intense, anxious, needy little guy. He's grown into a highly spirited, incredibly gifted, intense and amazing 5yo who sleeps much better (still doesn't STTN though!) and is much easier to get along with--most of the time :)  dd was born when he was 27mo and I could have written your post the month before she arrived...I too was so worried about having another similarly traumatic first year (though, having not slept for more than 2 hours straight since his birth, I figured I couldn't get any LESS sleep once she arrived!). I was so lucky to have a #2 who was different in every way--from her labor and birth. She was so much less needy, more low-key, better adjusted all round. The first week I could put her down for a nap and it blew my mind! She was a really easy baby, for the most part, though she's become much more, um, challenging as she's grown.

The other thing on your side (as it was on mine) is that you just KNOW SO MUCH MORE this time! dd also had reflux, but this time I knew that it was a food sensitivity (took 6mo and a bunch of meds for me to figure that out about ds), so I instantly quit dairy, soy and caffeine and the reflux went away. She was a car screamer, but I took her for a chiro adjustment that cured it. I knew more about BFing and solutions to issues like Raynaud's (which I also had--vitamin B6 helps a lot, as does staying warm). I was a pro babywearer and could get so much more done in the first months (I wrote half my dissertation in dd's first 4 months, which she mostly spent in my mei tai while I typed away; ds's first 4 months are mostly a blur). So you're more prepared all round, even if this one does turn out to be high needs: you're an expert, experienced HNs mama, so you should feel much more confident.

Good luck! It'll be fine, however ds2 turns out! Hope it starts with a great birth.

[konayossie]

Thanks, Xanadu! It helps so much to hear someone with a similar situation on the other side, and I didn't even think about that I will know more/better this time about so many things--not waiting to get help with the reflux (if new babe has it), etc. And thanks for the tip about Raynaud's and B6--I hadn't heard that one, and I think I'll try it now, as I've been having trouble again with the Raynaud's since hitting 2nd tri (DS is still BFing).

And way to go on finishing your dissertation with baby 2! I cannot completing any major project with a baby. Since I had DS1, I always tell my female advisees who are pursuing graduate school that they must use TWO forms of birth control until they're finished....I'm only partly joking.

[XanaduMama]

So you're an academic too? Totally OT, but did you see this piece recently? I actually agree with the advice to have kids in grad school rather than waiting for the ever-elusive tenure track, with all its complications... And the second time around, I knew that the first 4 months were actually the easiest part--they mostly eat and sleep--so I made the most of it. Plus I had no real option but to finish, since I was starting a job in the fall! After 4mo it's impossible to work with a baby around, IMO :) You should take your new ds to work with you, teach while wearing him if you can.

And definitely look into food intolerance for reflux--I read that most cases of reflux are actually food-related, and certainly both my babies' horrible reflux was cured by eliminating dairy, soy and caffeine from my diet. Hard, but worth it in the end. They both outgrew their sensitivity/reflux by around 8mo.

[Peony]

DD1 was HN, similar story, cried the entire first 6 months of her life, never slept, it got a little better after 6 months, but the rest of the first year was still very, very rough. I think I was shell shocked the first two years of her life. She is 8 now and she is still most challenging child, I don't think the words easy and her will ever be used in the same sentence! My first two ended up being almost 4 years apart because of that, no possible way I could have done that again sooner. DD2 ended up having significant health problems so once again life was hell. I had prepared for another child like DD1 but not one in and out of hospitals for months, tubes, etc... I finally got my "normal" baby with #3, DS, who is a mellow little guy. He probably is just a normal child, but to me, he is so easy! 

[konayossie]

I agree with the blogger in the piece you noted to some degree--the job market sucks, whether you have kids or not, getting tenure is hard, whether you have kids or not, so do what you want. I guess I just think that I personally would not have been able to make it through grad school if I had had my particular child (and most CERTAINLY would not have completed my dissertation). I was pretty much emotionally crippled the first 5 months or so--just a zombie, stuck--until we got past the constant screaming and misery. At one point, I actually thought starting a family in grad school sounded like a really good idea--getting pregnant and writing while pregnant/in infancy, but I didn't end up with DH till after I'd finished completely, so it wasn't an issue. Also, in my 5 years getting my degree, I only saw one woman have a child and complete her PhD. A couple of my male compatriots had children (with SAH wives), and it slowed them down, but they did eventually finish. But yeah, we were all given the same talk in our Methods class--publish first book, get tenure, have a baby, publish second book, get promoted, have your second baby. That kind of put me off the research-track in itself--I would like 3, and I started realizing then that academia wasn't nearly as accepting of balancing an active family life with career as I'd been led to think.

Anyway, I ended up at a small liberal-arts college (which doesn't even offer tenure--don't get me started there!), so the whole tenure/promotion thing has been a non-issue. But it's becoming increasingly clear that I am going to have to make choices, even in this setting, between furthering my career and having kids....which this ill-timed baby is bringing to a head for me. I'm the only faculty in the last 15 years (and who knows about before that) who hasn't timed the baby to fall at the end of a semester, so it's been a struggle figuring out how we're going to fill in classes during my absence. I could take a leave of absence for the semester, but I am a program director, and there's really no way for me to be completely out of the game for an entire semester, so I've elected to try to make it through with fill-in help in my classes.

Sorry, probably way more info than you ever wanted to hear! BTW, I am in a female-dominated dept and most of the women have had at least one child, so they are super-supportive of my baby-having.  I definitely plan to wear this baby to class if possible (don't plan to put him in DC till spring semester), and that will be just fine with my colleagues. However, with DS, I simply could NOT do that. He wasn't content, even when being worn....That's why I'm so desperately hoping for an easier-going babe this time around!

[mumkimum]

Just chiming in here too - dd1 was a really intense baby.  Needed lots of nursing, so much broken sleep (I was up until midnight most nights, after spending hours trying to get her to sleep, only to get woken up every hour until we woke up in the morning).  And whenever she needed something she was screaming.  She was extremely attached to me.  There was a lot of anxiety in my life about her babyhood to say the least.  Probably more that I can't remember any more (thank goodness, sorta).

When we were trying for a second, I was prepared to have another baby just like that.  Dd2 is much calmer, doesn't want to nurse unless she's hungry, likes to sleep and demands to go to bed early pretty often (so, like at 730 or 8 compared to midnight) and easily.  I'll add that it helps having a big sibling to be giving some attention to the baby too, when I need to do other things.  It has been so different - so that can def. happen for you.

[puddle]

DD was very high needs.  Cried hysterically if I put her down, woke up within a few minutes if I tried to sneak away while she was asleep, nursed constantly.  At 3, she was still nursing 6+ times a day when I got pregnant, and still would be if I would let her.   (She nurses occasionally now--whenever I say yes.  And she sleeps on the floor in her brother's room to avoid sleeping alone, and even that was a struggle.  Anyway, DS is almost 3 weeks old and he's a breeze.  Sleeps constantly, rarely cries, and is generally just a happy, cuddly, easy baby.  Yesterday he took a nap (by himself!) in the bassinet long enough for me to mop the house.  (I had to wear DD to do any chores until after she could walk.)  Good luck to you and your family!  For what it's worth, everyone I know who's had a high needs baby has only had one in the family.

[mamazee]

My older dd was very high needs. Colic, woke every hour and a half for 2 years, freakish tantrums until she was 6 that were violent and so bad a nurse said to keep track of them to see if they were seizures, moody, just really difficult. I did't plan to have another one and didn't change my mind until she was 6 and stopped having the tantrums and, while still moody and intense, became fairly easy. So when she was 7 her little sister was born, and amazingly she is easy easy easy. Slept through the night almost from birth, certainly within a couple of weeks, very calm and quiet and at 2.5 hasn't had a tantrum yet, sweet natured. She's just so different. If I'd thought my older one's temperament was my fault, I would have learned differently with this one, as I have really done everything the same. They just have different personalities.

So no having one high needs baby doesn't doom you to have another. Yours are close enough in age though that you will still have some challenges, even if the baby is easy. I'm guessing a high needs toddler is going to have a hard time adjusting to having a new baby in the house getting mom's attention.

[Salamanda]

Oh, yes, it's absolutely possible. My first DD was a very high-needs infant and, after having my 2nd and 3rd DD, I learned how easy some babies can be! I'm kind of glad that DD #1 was my first for this reason.

[konayossie]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, ladies! I am going to focus on the likelihood that new DS is going to be an easier baby than DS1, and keep in mind that even if he is challenging, I will have a lot more tools in my belt than I started with!

[puddle]

I will also say that, even if DS hadn't been much easier, it would still be a lot easier this time.  I feel so much better (recovery was awful after DD), I know how to take care of a baby so it's less overwhelming, I'm  more confident as a mother, and DH knows how to take care of a baby so I can rely on him more.  He doesn't panic at holding a crying baby while I'm in the shower because he has his own ways to try to calm DS down now.  So even if DS was high needs, it would still have been easier this time around for me.

[prothyraia]

No promises, but-

DS#1- high needs....I won't go into the details because I don't feel like relieving them at the moment. 

DS#2 (20 months later)- Easiest, most mellow baby in the world.  I mean...seriously....he slept through the night at birth (ok, he woke up to eat, but we coslept so *I* didn't need to wake up really, and that's what counts), I could put him down and walk away, it was actually EASIER to take care of the two of them than my oldest alone because my older son had someone to focus on other than me.