How to deal with issues between SN kids

[ReadingMama]

My 11yo old son feels like he has a stalker.    She's my best friend's 11yo daughter.  The kids have known each other since they were 6 months old, and we live 7 houses down from each other.  My son just wants to be friends, but this girl insists that he's her boyfriend, she hugs him really hard when she sees him even though he's told her not to, she leaves presents and comics in our mailbox for him all the time, and introduces him to her friends as her boyfriend.  He doesn't like this.  He insists they are just friends, but she won't accept it.  She insists that they are going to get married.  She plans the number of kids they're going to have.

My son has nonverbal learning disability and OCD.  He's very afraid of being embarrased in front of his peers, but he has a strong personality and several good friendships.  He misunderstands other kids' intentions sometimes, and I had to teach him social skills explicitly (part of the NLD), but generally, he enjoys interacting with other kids  Just not this girl.

My friend's daughter has PDD-NOS, ADHD and an anxiety disorder.  She's also very sensory seeking.  I don't know if the ASD is what's causing her not to get that he doesn't want to be her boyfriend, doesn't want hugs, etc..., but it's causing some serious problems.

She's also really possessive of him around other kids.  She gets jealous of other girls, and gets mad at him when other boys are around and he wants to play with them.  She doesn't know how to play in a group, so she won't join in whatever the neighborhood kids are playing.  The other night she gave him an ultimatum (It's either those boys or me!), and he came home crying, thinking he really had to choose. 

She has severe mood swings too--it's like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.  Since he already struggles to read nonverbal communication, interacting with her stresses him out.  She's even less predictable than the average person.

Do you have any advice about how to address this? 

[LynnS6]

Have you talked to the mom about this? The 11 yo girl probably needs some social skills work in not embarrassing your son, and in that it's OK for your son to have other friends. It sounds like her idea of friendship is a bit 'delayed', as these kinds of behaviors (you have to be only my friend) are pretty typical among 4-6 year olds. Given her diagnosis, that's not surprising, but she's probably going to need some more teaching. Are they in school together? This might be something to bring to the attention of the school counselor/special ed teachers too. I'm sure it's not the first time they've dealt with pre-adolescent crushes with special needs kids.

Can you teach your son to say firmly: "Keep your hands to yourself" and to come to an adult if she's not listening?

For the "I'm going to marry you stuff," he's at an age where he needs to master the 'bored eye roll'. If he responds:  "Yeah, right. " the girl probably won't get the cues, but the other kids will. The other kids will take their cues from him -- if he acts like it's no big deal and moves on, they'll be less likely to tease/embarrass him. I found this website (How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied without Really Trying) to be pretty helpful for my reactive kids.

And I know that she's the daughter of your best friend, but it's OK to tell him that he doesn't have to play with her and that he can walk away/go play with other kids if she's bugging him. This is an age where kids' temperaments and friendships change. Our son is 10 now, and the kids he played with 2-3 years ago aren't the same as the kids he plays with now. It's OK.

[Linda on the move]

My first thought was to talk to the mom, too. She has a right to know straight out that her DD's behavior is out of line so she can work on it with her. Besides getting your son out of this icky situation, she needs to learn some better skills because if she does this with a different type of boy, she could end up being used sexually. She's in danger. She needs help.

Both kids could most likely benefit from social skills class, and you might want to see what is available in your area. It was one of the best things we've ever done for our DD (now 14, with Asperger's and social anxiety disorder). The class is different from working on it at home because they get to have practice conversations and get feed back from a professional. They worked on things like how to end a conversation. It was expensive, and insurance didn't pay a dime of it, but it was REALLY helpful for my DD. She said that she thinks all middle schoolers should go, even the neuro-typicals. Social skills are confusing for most kids this age, for some more than others! 

And it's OK for him to be clear with her. To the choice, "it's those boys or me,"  it's fine to tell her that he picks the boys. Clarity might be a blessing for her.

[ReadingMama]

I forgot I posted this!  I posted a new situation in the Parenting Tweens forum. 

Thank you for your advice.  I did talk to the girl's mom (she's my best friend).  The situation came to a head when the kids were playing with Nerf swords.  My friend's daughter got angry and basically beat my son with her sword.  (It was a homemade sword made out of PVC pipe and foam and duct tape.)  It left an abrasion and bruise on his cheek. 

Dh and I decided that it's best for them not to play together anymore.  They were able to play together when they were younger, but now that my friend's daughter is going through puberty, it's a different story.  My son is relieved that we made that rule.  It takes the pressure off him.  He can just say, "My mom said I can't play with you."  We let my friend and her daughter know that.