suppertime meltdowns...

[hildare]

DD is 18 mos. and will eat pretty well, at least part of the time.  She eats breakfast and lunch with her daddy during the week and on the weekends I'm there for both those meals. there's not usually screaming then. 

However, at supper time, which we do fairly early (around 6-7) she will progress from eating to throwing food and screaming.  Sometimes it seems like it's something in particular that triggers it (mommy won't give her the hot sauce?  oh noes!) but any remedy we make doesn't seem to make it any easier.  we've tried:

not having condiments on the table

not drinking beer at the table (don't ask)

letting her sit on my lap

letting her sit in a 'big chair' and not the high chair

daddy giving her a snack at different times from 4-5

letting her have the da&* spoon, fork, whatever that she seems to want (even if she has one already)

letting her use a towel to clean up what she pours out (and we give plenty of pouring outside time to practice that and stress pouring is for outside or the tub) which has turned into her pouring then saying 'towel? towel?' so that dh thinks she does it on purpose to get the towel (which makes no sense to me)

putting her down when she gets restless, at which point she proceeds directly to screaming

nursing her before dinner... nursing her DURING dinner...

giving her direct attention while we eat

this is awful.  plus it is REALLY stressing dh out.  he really wants our evening meal together to be calm.  we have talked about feeding her earlier but that's kind of difficult.  i even come straight home and give her solid one on one when i get there after work to try to fill the cup and she's fine until the dreaded meal. 

please, anyone... any suggestions that we haven't thought of.. or any reasons why this happens?  we really need some help with this one.

[crunchy_mommy]

How long is dinner? If she eats a bit & then is done, maybe it's just too much sitting still for her?

How much food is on her plate? DS does way better with ~5 bites of food on his plate & we just replenish as necessary... too much food = throwing and not much eating...

Do you have any kind of pre-dinner ritual? Saying grace, for ex. -- we sing a song & say a prayer together (obviously you can choose something non-religious if applicable!) and that seems to set the tone for the meal...

Also, DS helps set the table and stuff... sometimes he likes to sit in his chair for a few minutes before the meal starts, I don't know why but that helps him eat & stay calm better...

Does she eat the exact same food you eat, including condiments etc? Maybe she's just annoyed that she has something different? (Ohhh and don't get me started on how much DS loves hot sauce... he would be very upset if he didn't get any!!)

Do you talk to her during the meal? Ask her what she did during the day etc... Sometimes I am so busy catching up with DH that I forget to really include DS in the conversation...

One thing that helps a bit with throwing stuff is that we totally ignore it... so if DS throws his fork and cup, he gets no reaction, and he doesn't get either back... seemed to cut down on the throwing a bit!!

It sounds like you've tried a lot of things but hopefully something there helps... Maybe too she just needs a more predictable setting? So maybe just the fact of you guys trying so many different things is confusing & upsetting to her?

[hildare]

that's a good idea to have her set the table.  she likes doing things like that. 

we don't really do an opening to dinner, we might try that.

i have let her try the hot sauce.  she tries everything and likes some odd things (to me) but even the stuff she doesn't like, she will whine for.  she doesn't care for the hot sauce but likes pickles, etc. 

this is killing us.. she never really whines otherwise. 

maybe we should try to include her more in conversation.. but really.. what i do is try to scarf my food down as quickly as possible (i know, right?) so that i can remove her when she starts to whine/scream..  but she's not really content to get down from the table when she is done.  she's also 18 mos old so we just repeat words a bunch back and forth.  and by supper time, her daddy's been home alone with her all day and has pretty much reached the limit of baby time.  i imagine it must be a bazillion times more frustrating for him.. it sucks to listen to her scream but it probably sucks a lot more to listen to her scream when you've been entertaining/caring for/playing with her all day long. 

dh thinks she's doing all this to try to hasten the after supper bathtime.  i don't think so, but who knows. 

[crunchy_mommy]

Well you could give DH's theory a try and do bathtime first, then dinner...

I totally get how frustrating it is and I've done more than my share of 'scarf down my dinner as fast as I can'! So I will also say, no matter what you do, I'm sure the phase will pass eventually!! We went through one phase of me eating dinner in one room and DH in the other (and whoever could tolerate DS that day would be on duty with him!!) but for the past year or so we've usually managed to eat as a family, mostly peacefully but not always!! So maybe a more informal meal time might be something to try for a month or two?

[Mis Trae]

I've found that the sooner I feed my DS(15mo), the better dinner goes for us. We try to eat between 4:30-5:00. (I get home early and DH works different shifts). The few times we've eaten later, it's been a HUGE disaster. Very similar to what you described. Maybe you can have DH feed your DD early vs. a snack and then give her a snack while you eat dinner...

I'll admit that we sometimes put on his favorite video just to be able to finish a meal. He has a particular one that he will sit and watch. Since I only see DH for around 1 hr/day, it's the only time we can catch up.

[hildare]

an update.... so last night i tried really including dd in the conversation and it seemed to improve the situation a lot... however, she is (i think) working on some molars and is subject to dramatic mood swings, so that's not to say that is exactly why.