is there such a thing as REVERSE separation anxiety?

[tzs]

.....as in, my 20 month old doesn't want to come home?

i know our house isn't a barrel of monkeys these days so it is no shock when she clings to grams and gramps when they drop her off after a date at the park and the coffee shop.

but today my pal took her and her own son who is the same age on a stroller ride to a toddler group and then to the beach and after spending some time her eating lunch and playing, my daughter had a major meltdown when they left. it started with her following the other mother to the bathroom, then trying to put her coat on as they got ready to leave, attempting to exit with them, and then screaming and bawling real tears as they left. i put her down in her bed for nap still crying although she stopped when she got her water bottle.

i get that she was having fun but you'd think that mommy would be #1 over it all......no????????

[LROM]

How long has she been doing this?  And not to sound like I'm prying, but what do you mean it hasn't been a barrel of monkeys at your house lately - are there some stressful dynamics?

Parental stress can definitely stress out a little one. 

Is there anything specific (or anyone specific) in your home that she seems to avoid or cry a ton around even when you're not transitioning from her visiting someone else?

I know this is all questions and no advice but it sounds like there is maybe something going on, but hard to tell without more details.

[Super~Single~Mama]

IME, totally normal.  My ds HATED (and still does to some extent) coming home after tons of fun out.  Does she do it even when you're the one on the outing with her?  My DS never wants to miss anything, and coming home means not seeing what happens in the rest of world while we're home.

I really wouldn't worry about it.  Sounds very familiar.

LROM - I took from the "barrel of monkey's" comment that home is more low key, and that there aren't tons of people or things going on constantly.  My apartment is pretty quiet, its just me and DS, and he really loves being out and about b/c there's just more to do and see.

ETA - Just thought of one more thing.  When this was going on, it was usually directly related to how tired DS was.  He hates napping with a passion, and whenever we left somewhere very interesting, it was like he knew that when we got home it was going to be naptime.  And he HATES napping, absolutely hates it.  Sleep is just not something he likes to do (its the missing out on stuff part I think).  Anyway, that could also be part of it.

Edited by Super~Single~Mama - 5/9/11 at 7:36pm

[tzs]

yep, it's just been pretty boring here. i'm 9 months pregnant so there's alot of lying around and less tooling around town than usual.
in fact, i had asked my parents to take her on the sunday dates because i sensed that she was getting bored/antsy.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by tzs 

yep, it's just been pretty boring here. i'm 9 months pregnant so there's alot of lying around and less tooling around town than usual.
in fact, i had asked my parents to take her on the sunday dates because i sensed that she was getting bored/antsy.

I was in your ddc with your first, adn this happened to me during my 2nd pregnancy. My son *still* calls me papa half the time. I was warned by teh pediatrician that it was totally normal for them to transfer affection to someone else. In our case, although it's been very difficult on me emotinally, it has made the transition much easier for him.

[LROM]

Sooo I'm a bit confused here - Texmati, are you saying your lo would cry, put on a coat and try to follow other people out, and cling to them when they got home and want to leave with them?  Or more just that they developed attachments to others and would sometimes seem to choose them over you (which I know is common)?

I know it's common for toddlers to transfer affection to others, but I haven't heard of this phenomenon where the child truly sounds distressed and wanting to follow even people who aren't close relatives out of the house?

OP, I still have the same questions - when did this start, and are there any people in the house that your dd seems particularly distressed to be around?

Not saying it's not "normal", I just haven't heard of this happening without either a real or perceived "issue" and would like to understand this more (especially since I hope to have more kids!).

[tzs]

no real issues that i know of...just that we aren't so active and she loves to *do* things. she gets really excited when she sees her dad around the house and when she hurts herself or wakes up sad....she really wants her mommy.

i've just noticed it lately mainly since it's just been these last few incidents where i've actually sent her on outings with other people. it might not be the people themselves but just the idea of being stuck in the house...i dunno. she's also really independant. for example, she's always walked from the car to our house on her own (since walking, obviously.) for one because i used to work with young toddlers and i've always hated "uppies" and had kids who had to be carried around all the time, causing problems when it's just not possible. and also because once i knew i was pregnant, i knew i wouldn;t be able to carry two babies and i didn;t want her associating not being carried to having a new sibling. so anyway, she lately does the toddler thing where she'll make like she's not going to come...she'll either just stand there or sit down or whatever. in the past i could just continue and she'd come. at most i'd have to actually walk in the house, letting the door close, wait for her and then open it for her once she got there. the other day i walked in the door, waited, peeked back outside and she had turned around to go back to playing around outside alone. i dunno.

what other issues have you seen kids have??

my doula was over the other day who is a complete stranger and she wanted nothing to do with her, both while she was here and when she left.

i do make an effort to do something "fun" outside with her, even though lately it;s just riding her bike up and down the sidewalk or playing in her car in the backyard.

texmati... that's really good to know and something i'll have to keep in mind.

[LROM]

Ok, I understand what you're saying a bit better now.  Maybe it's exactly what you think it is, she's just getting overall "cabin fever" and wants to be out and about much more than she is.  What's your social network like, now that you're 9 months pregnant is there any way to schedule more playdates for her, both at your house and elsewhere?  Any friends with like-aged kids who - for a period while you're sooo preggo and also when you're baby is born - who would come pick up your dd maybe once/week or every other week and take her to play with their kiddo?

I know a lot of people do not have that kind of network, but it's worth exploring if you do.

If she can get out of the house more often, then I'd expect to see her get less frantic/upset when people who took her out are leaving, because she's kinda "getting her fill"of outside the house.  If you significantly increase her "outside time" and she still is doing the same stuff, or it gets even more intense, it might be worth mentioning to your ped.

To answer your question about what issues I've seen kids have, there are several common situations where kids act like this, like transitions (my dd for instance just transitioned from Toddler 2 to Preschool 1 at daycare, and she acted SO upset for weeks, saying every day on the way "I don't wanna go to school.  Ms. Kinney isn't my friend.  Ms. Washington [Todd 2 teacher] is my friend.  I want to go to Ms. Washington's class!" and crying up a STORM when we got there to drop her off. 

Transitions like that are pretty common places where toddlers will cling to one person - anyone who is NOT the new, different environment - because they're upset about the change.  In your case like you said, maybe your lo is having an opposite reaction, she is so craving being outside the house, she's clinging to anyone she perceives as going outside and gets upset about not being able to go.

But there can be more concerning reasons for this behavior, which is why I asked if there's anyone IN the house or around the house that she seems particularly afraid of or really avoiding.  If that's not at all an issue, no worries, glad it's not a factor.  If it is, that's really important to pay attention to and be vigilant about re: how she acts around that person, and trying to figure out the discomfort.

[texmati]

lol! Well... my son was only 16 mos old, so no coat putting on, but yes, crying at the door for papa, kicking/screaming/back arching when other people left (sometimes). I see what you mean that this was about strangers.... I don't remember anything like this with real strangers, but to be frank, we didn't really interact with strangers on that level.

Originally Posted by LROM 

Sooo I'm a bit confused here - Texmati, are you saying your lo would cry, put on a coat and try to follow other people out, and cling to them when they got home and want to leave with them?  Or more just that they developed attachments to others and would sometimes seem to choose them over you (which I know is common)?

I know it's common for toddlers to transfer affection to others, but I haven't heard of this phenomenon where the child truly sounds distressed and wanting to follow even people who aren't close relatives out of the house?

OP, I still have the same questions - when did this start, and are there any people in the house that your dd seems particularly distressed to be around?

Not saying it's not "normal", I just haven't heard of this happening without either a real or perceived "issue" and would like to understand this more (especially since I hope to have more kids!).

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by texmati 

lol! Well... my son was only 16 mos old, so no coat putting on, but yes, crying at the door for papa, kicking/screaming/back arching when other people left (sometimes). I see what you mean that this was about strangers.... I don't remember anything like this with real strangers, but to be frank, we didn't really interact with strangers on that level.

My DS didn't do great with transitions at that age either - it had nothing to do with me, he just didn't like transitions.  It's better now (he still has his moments though as he is terribly 2), but with us it was really about the whole, "now they're leaving and its time to go to Sleep!!  Sleep is that dreadful thing that happens when I'm going to miss out on the WORLD!  I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP!!!"

Ugh.  He STILL hates going to sleep.  Thank goodness I can leave the fan on in the bedroom now to help him fall asleep.
 

[tzs]

the transitions thing is a good thing to think about now as well...now that she's getting older and more like a 'real" kid. i have been noticing more of that lately and maybe it's just that she's not such a baby anymore and following me around blindly. i HAVE had to start announcing that we will be going inside soon etc....(not like it works at this point...but we'll keep at it).

and just to clarify, it's not strangers that she's clinging to but people she knows really well.

tonight she didn't want to leave her cousins' house even though it's usually really hard for her there and really overwhelming for her with 5 kids who lack any sort of boundaries bombarding her. she didn't want to go in at first and 70% of her time there is spent getting tackled in some way and then freaking out (only child!) but then she didn't want to leave. gonna have to make a mental note to really be up on good transitions!