I need a diary. I get it. But I'm posting here tonight, because I'm just confused and overwhelmed.
I'm a child of divorce - early divorce, before I was 2. And I think that did something to me. I didn't want to be the Second Woman. I didn't want someone to tell me stories of their first wives pregnancies; or worry about, does he love Our kids as much as his other kids. I didn't want to think about that potential jealousy. So I never dated men that had children, just to save myself that potential. I wanted Our Child to be something special, the First, for the both of us.
So I met a guy and had a baby. We're not married; we're actually trying to split up. We're definitely weird, but this isn't about that. He was my birth partner, an incredibly supportive partner in pregnancy, a father with a ton of love. He's not a lump of coal, I guess I mean. He's there. He loves our son. We might not survive our relationship, but even in that, we're respectful and actually... loving about it all.
But.... we just found out that he has ANOTHER CHILD. This is not about that woman either, and the fact that she freaked out and told him she'd had an abortion, which ended their brief, 3month relationship... and that, come to discover, she didn't have an abortion. I've rationalized her freak-out, her lie, and then how she did try to remedy it, but he refused to take her calls. Seriously, this is not about that. Let me just make clear point that this was all before he met me. He didn't do anything wrong here. I knew about this relationship when I met him. Still, not about that.
This is about ME. Me, not wanting the jealousy. Me not wanting the competition. Me wanting to be special.
And now, I'm all Freaked Out! Now, while he was there 100% for my pregnancy, for the birth, cutting the cord, the first year + of our sons life.... he now has another child, a daughter, that is not quite a year older than our son. And he's elated. He's excited. He's overwhelmed and freaked, of course. But he's excited - as he should be. He now has a daughter only 8mos older than our son, that he's being given the opportunity to love and be participant in her life. Mom says, I tried to contact you, I did ok without you. I'm not asking for anything (monetarily or otherwise). But you are her father, you can BE her father if you want.
I realize that my thoughts are irrational. He will never forget about his son. No Way! He will never forget about our experiences with pregnancy and birth. No! I KNOW this in my head. But all that green, this jealousy of this woman that came before me, this New child in his life; the fact that my son has a sister not too much older than him; that it's a Daughter, which he always wanted.... I'm jealous. I'm crazy freaky jealous. All my solid...even if we separate, "I'm the mother of his child" , crap is gone because.... there's now two of us. A few years goes by, and he'll be, potentially, just active a parent with his daughter as he is with our son. which is, how it Should be. I get that!!! I DO!!! I'm just not over this shock.
My question is... how do you deal with the jealousy? I'm jealous of this woman who has an older child than mine. I'm jealous that even though he was there for me and not for her, that her child is older, she is the first child. My son is now second.
Is this not the stupidest thing in the world? There is a reason I'm asking this outloud. It's SO irrational, I have to ask other women if you've felt the same thing, and how you get over it. Cause really... the result is, my son has a sibling. And that rocks. And it WILL rock, when I get out of my head. It will be an amazing thing for my son. I just need to get over this shock.
Help? Flame me, I'm ready for it. Call me silly and shallow - I already feel it. But also tell me that the jealousy subsides?