Unplanned, Unexpected...unsure what to do.

[eli's mama]

We have 3 kids (7, 4 and 22 months) and we were so done.  We made plans for the vasectomy but work has been so busy that DH hasn't gotten around to it yet.  I was on the pill for a while but I was never very good at it and around February all my kids got sick for days and I forgot to take it and when I went to start again the pharmacy was giving me a hard time so I stopped.  We were using withdrawal, which has worked for us for about 13 years!  All my babies were planned (the first being the exception, we had a contraceptive failure, not because of withdrawal).  

So...here I am, I'm pretty much beside myself.  I don't have a clue if I can do it again.  I was so looking forward to just enjoying the kids, watching them grow.  I feel like babies are so hard, even though it's not forever.  It would likely mean at least another 2 years of sleepless nights, nursing, having someone stuck to me, not being able to travel much.  Also, a vehicle change and a possible addition to our home.  We currently have a 2 bedroom with a third being built downstairs.  I don't think money is really a huge issue, but it's still an issue.

We feel so irresponsible.  Like teenagers and like we really screwed up.  I don't know how to feel half the time.  I've even considered terminating (and I feel like a jerk).  I am only about 5 weeks along.  DH is being supportive either way but basically says it's up to me.  He is a very stressed out person though, and I know that this would be hard for him. But he actually surprised me and said and did all the right things when I (crying hysterically) showed him the test.

I don't have a specific question and maybe this is in the wrong place...but i guess i just needed to let it out.  I don't feel like I can tell anyone IRL at the moment.  Thanks for listening...

[Jaimee]

  I'm so sorry mama for how you're feeling about this pregnancy.  I am right there with you.  We were pretty sure we were done after our two and were discussing a vasectomy.  I had just gotten my period back so this was the time to figure out birth control and like you said, like teenagers who don't know better we ended up with an oops!   I didn't want to believe my chart.  I finally took a test and cried when it turned positive as soon as the pee hit the stick.  How could we be so stupid? 

Immediately I thought about my 14 month old that will only be 22 months when this baby is born.  Not only am I making him a middle child, but I'm forcing him through milestones sooner than he might be truly ready for.  I had to night wean b/c I just couldn't take the pain and fatigue anymore and I'm hoping that he'll wean fully on his own if my milk dries up over the course of the pregnancy.  Ordinarily I would happily nurse him past two years.  I really want him to potty train and sleep through the night before this baby arrives, too.  Just looking at my little ds makes me want to cry sometimes b/c I'm thinking ahead to how much less attention he's going to get in just a matter of months.  I feel like I've really wronged him.

And then I think about myself and all the sacrifices required for another child.  Like you said, another two years of sleepless nights, nursing, chasing after a toddler.  Diapers, baby carriers, a new car b/c three kids = minivan!  And I think about my marriage.  Having a baby pretty much takes me away from my relationship with my dh both emotionally and physically for quite sometime.  I just can't balance the two very well.  We were just getting back to a good place and now I'm pregnant again.  And then there's my oldest dd that is so spirited and high need.  Now she'll have another sibling to contend with.  Carving out time for everyone is going to be sooooo challenging!!  ARGH!!

I, too, mentioned terminating the pregnancy, but in the same moment I knew that I couldn't do it.  So here I am, 11 weeks pregnant.  I put off going to the doctor for a long time.  I finally went in and had an u/s just to see the baby in there, thinking maybe it would help me feel more connected.  Maybe it did, I dunno.  Honestly the fatigue and morning sickness just suck the life out of me.  Not to mention that we're trying to sell our house and move across the country in a few months...

So, mama, I'm with you.  I hear you.  I'm hoping that soon this pregnancy will feel better and I'll start to get excited b/c well, I AM pregnant and there's nothing I can do about it.  It does help to hear from other parents of three (and in your case four) about their happy family life and how great that particular number is.  It also helps to have friends and family get excited for you.  I had the unfortunate response of negativity from my dad and MIL.  That didn't help.

Anyway, no real advice to offer, but lots of hugs and understanding!

[eli's mama]

Thanks so much.  It really does help to hear from other parents.  I'm still in a very difficult place emotionally.  I feel like all day long I think about the options.  I still really don't want to have 4 kids.  I think it's really going to put a strain on my marriage.  We are trying really hard to talk honestly about things but DH is trying not to upset me, and I'm trying to help him understand how I can both want this child and not want it at the same time.  It's very difficult.  I can't sleep thinking about it, wondering how my life will change, what can I do to make it work?  Could I do things differently this time to make it easier for DH?  

Currently my 22 month old sleeps with us and doesn't even have a bed of her own.  My boys share the one other bedroom that is upstairs and I don't think they are ready to go downstairs to sleep. I'm thinking that I will end up using the downstairs bedroom for me and the two littlest ones.  Leaving DH upstairs to deal with the boys at night.  I don't know.  I'm still in the thinking stages and it's killing me.

[carseatqueen]

Would you feel better with company?

My kids are 7, 4, and 26 months and I just found out we are having a surprise (shock may be more appropriet) baby. Obviously my IUD didn't cut it, nor did DH being gone with work 2 weeks out of every month, or nursing my toddler. :-P We were undecided on #4, but in total agreement on waiting at LEAST till DS2 would be over 4. He'll be 3 months shy of 3 unless I'm way farther along than I think which is possible.

We know it's meant to be, but we were planning going away for our 10th anniversary next year now that the kids are older, enjoying not having a baby/nursling, etc. I love babies, but I feel really "full" with homeschooling, parenting, etc. I'm hoping what other say is true: after 3 it's not much harder. We shall see.

[eli's mama]

Why yes, Carseatqueen, it does make me feel better! Our kids are almost exactly the same ages.  Even if it's "meant to be" it's still really hard to come to grips with don't you think?  

We too were planning for the things we haven't been able to do since we've always had really little kids.  We just started to see movies again, go to dinner, actually talk to each other and clearly having sex more than we used to.  ugh.  Anyway, it sounds like your DH is great, I'm hoping mine will jump on board soon too.

[Peony]

Mine are similar ages as well, 8, 4, just turned 2, and I'm due in August. I was open to another child but not actively wanting one at the time, DH was feeling more done, and then I was pg. The timing wasn't the greatest, I really wish DS was older, things will change, we didn't have enough bedrooms to begin with. More years with younger kids isn't something I'm that thrilled about. DH has taken it very hard, still is actually. This one was also one of those meant to be babies, conceived during a very odd time when I am never fertile. As the pg has progressed, I am more connected then I was in the beginning, partly because I have to be since DH has no interest in this baby, and partly because in less then 3 months I will have a sweet, little newborn again. This one is certainly the last one though. 

[Katie T]

I have been there! Ds was 12 months when I got pregnant with DD2 and I was a mess! I thought I might want another baby down the road but was scared about money, the fact that ds was/would be so young the fact that he was still nursing all.the.time night included. The fact that despite owning a house, being married I too felt like a teenager having to tell my mom. Crazy how some things can make you feel like a child again.

flash foward and now I have a 11yo, 4yo and almost 3yo and it turned out wonderfully. They are so in love with each other! Not that there were not some hard moment (colic anyone?) but never felt like it was a mistake once she was placed in my arms. He did great with it as well! I guess God got his timing right even though it was not my timing. It took some time to get used to and for about half the pregnancy despite a u/s at 10wks (when I finally figured out I was pg) I bonded with her. Good will come of this!

[eli's mama]

Originally Posted by Peony 

DH has taken it very hard, still is actually. This one was also one of those meant to be babies, conceived during a very odd time when I am never fertile. As the pg has progressed, I am more connected then I was in the beginning, partly because I have to be since DH has no interest in this baby, and partly because in less then 3 months I will have a sweet, little newborn again. This one is certainly the last one though. 

This is my major issue too, DH!  Of course we know that "we" made a mistake, but he is really feeling more strongly about it than I am.  At first I was distraught, we talked about terminating but I think I knew in my heart I could never do that.  At least not in these circumstances.  We agreed that we would give it a week and at the end of that week we would have a decision and stick to it, and be happy either way.  But when I told him how I felt, I could feel his disappointment.  He isn't a big talker, but he doesn't have to be.  I know he won't "hate" this baby and once s/he is here it won't be an issue but I don't want this to be a long lonely pregnancy. 

I already made DH an appt for the vasectomy, which he had failed to do all these months I'd been telling him to.  But I'm not blaming him, he is blaming himself.  It's making it harder for him to move on.  

As sorry as I am that anyone else has to feel this way about a baby, I'm happy that I'm not alone ladies.  I appreciate your honesty too!

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by eli's mama 

I already made DH an appt for the vasectomy, which he had failed to do all these months I'd been telling him to.  But I'm not blaming him, he is blaming himself.  It's making it harder for him to move on.  

I wonder if your dh will feel differently after he has the vasectomy.  Like he finally took action and that part is permanently taken care of...  And perhaps after dealing with the pain for a few days he'll come out on the other end feeling like he can face this new challenge....?  Maybe?  Keep us updated!
 

[mamaspirit]

I am finding myself in your situation, but my husband DID have a vasectomy during my last pregnancy.  I haven't told anyone, not even my husband.  My baby is almost a year.  I have no idea how far along I am since I haven't had PPAF yet.

[eli's mama]

Wow Tara, are you gonna have an ultrasound to get dates?  How do you think your DH will take it?   mama.  I know a mama in my town who had a post vasectomy baby too.  It's not all that uncommon.  

[mamaspirit]

Even after a blank sperm count?

I don't know... I am afraid to talk to anyone, afraid to tell my hubby because I know he would want me to end the pregnancy and I'm just not sure I could do that.  I haven't actually been to a doctor to confirm it, but have taken 4 pregnancy tests including a digital.  I just wanna run away, lol!  I have 4 great kids, and 2 of those pregnancies and births were life threatening and I almost died.  I am healthier now... I just can't think straight.  I keep hoping that I'm wrong, that the tests are wrong, that my feelings are wrong.  My brother and his wife are TTC right now and just had a MC and I have a friend who has been through 4 failed IVF attempts and here I am pg after a vasectomy!  Life really isn't fair.

[*~*SewHappyNow*~*]

More company for you..

My girls are 6 and 8 and I thought that was enough for us.  We built a 3 bedroom house and I was just getting used to my girls being independent.  Life hasn't been easy, though.  My dad got really sick last year and he is still disabled.  My parents live next door, so they rely on my husband for a lot of things.  So much so it was beginning to really mess up how he spends his time on projects here and homeschooling the girls.  I work full time and dh is a SAHD and jack of all trades.  He is the house cleaner, landscaper, construction guy, chef, teacher, etc...   

Dh had spoke of wanting another, shockingly.  He is excited, so I am happy.  I just worry about...  I feel apaethetic and ambivalent.  I don't know the dates and I really don't want to know...  my midwife says it doesn't really matter, she is pretty easy going.

  When I had my babies, I was super passionate about it.  I was a birth & pregnancy junkie.  I made cloth diapers and sold those for a few years, until building our house got us too busy...  then paying for our house got us too busy...  now taking care of my dad has got us way too busy.  I just feel like I've got so much going on and I'm not really "under control" like I used to be.  Putting more on my dh's plate seems cruel, what if he cracks?  He already complains that my parents treat him like an indentured servant.  I think a small bit of his optimism stems from the fact that he will be impossibly too busy to be their go-to-guy..  perhaps my BIL who is building a house next door can take over that role...  cuz at this point, parents treat him like a king and they seem to ask nothing of him.  That has made my dh's attitude bad at times and he vents on me quite a bit. 

I guess we will need to make a room in the basement or the bonus room over the garage.  We've actually thought about selling this place for a while now...  and mostly, because its very expensive to live here and my parents are quite a burden on us, in terms of our time.  There's many things my dh would like to get done on our house, but taking care of my parents and sister & BILs stuff is stealing time from us.  Life was so much easier in our little house 40 miles away from family. 

Yea..  I just hope I get passionate about it again.  I want to feel excited, but I feel as though there's no time! 

I do feel this pregnancy is a gift and a blessing, even if I can't see it right now. 

[*~*SewHappyNow*~*]

More company for you..

My girls are 6 and 8 and I thought that was enough for us.  We built a 3 bedroom house and I was just getting used to my girls being independent.  Life hasn't been easy, though.  My dad got really sick last year and he is still disabled.  My parents live next door, so they rely on my husband for a lot of things.  So much so it was beginning to really mess up how he spends his time on projects here and homeschooling the girls.  I work full time and dh is a SAHD and jack of all trades.  He is the house cleaner, landscaper, construction guy, chef, teacher, physical therapist, nurse, etc...   

Dh had spoke of wanting another, shockingly.  He is excited, so I am happy.  I just worry about...  I feel apaethetic and ambivalent.  I don't know the dates and I really don't want to know...  my midwife says it doesn't really matter, she is pretty easy going.

  When I had my babies, I was super passionate about it.  I was a birth & pregnancy junkie.  I made cloth diapers and sold those for a few years, until building our house got us too busy...  then paying for our house got us too busy...  now taking care of my dad has got us way too busy.  I just feel like I've got so much going on and I'm not really "under control" like I used to be.  Putting more on my dh's plate seems cruel, what if he cracks?  He already complains that my parents treat him like an indentured servant.  I think a small bit of his optimism stems from the fact that he will be impossibly too busy to be their go-to-guy..  perhaps my BIL who is building a house next door can take over that role...  cuz at this point, parents treat him like a king and they seem to ask nothing of him.  That has made my dh's attitude bad at times and he vents on me quite a bit. 

I guess we will need to make a room in the basement or the bonus room over the garage.  We've actually thought about selling this place for a while now...  and mostly, because its very expensive to live here and my parents are quite a burden on us, in terms of our time.  There's many things my dh would like to get done on our house, but taking care of my parents and sister & BILs stuff is stealing time from us.  Life was so much easier in our little house 40 miles away from family. 

Yea..  I just hope I get passionate about it again.  I want to feel excited, but I feel as though there's no time! 

I do feel this pregnancy is a gift and a blessing, even if I can't see it right now. 

[34me]

I am now almost 13 years on the other side.  We had a girl, then a boy - so a perfect family, right?  We always thought we would have 2 sets of 2 but it was looking like 2 would be best.  DH had graduated from college 12 months before and was working a temp to hire position.  He was supposed to be temp for 6 weeks and then be hired if he worked out.  At 6 months in he was still temp.  The agency I was working for was closing in a month when I found out.  It was crazy bad timing.  I spent the day with that baby today since I had off work and he had off school while his sibling still had school.  Man I love that kid.  DH had a harder time.  He actually admits now that it took him almost 2 years to really "be" there for him which is funny since they could be light/dark clones.  He needed new sandels and after never having seen his dads, picked out the same exact ones!  I'm not gonna lie and say it was easy but I can no longer imagine life without him.