I dont really know where to start. I guess I have had depression and anxiety issues since I was a teen. My anxiety went from panic attacks and hyperventiliating to black outs and then to just passing out. About 2 years ago I thought I had finally gotten it under control. Evidently not...
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My first pregnancy was great, with no complications, other than being tired, until I was 33 weeks and went into labor. I was dehydrated and they tried to stop the contractions, but couldnt, and after 29 hours, Brycen was born. He was 4lbs, 5oz and had to stay in the NICU for 9 days. He had apnea issues and was sent home on a monitor which his pediatrician promptly took him off of. the straps were bruising his little ribs. Brycen never had any health problems except for RSV when he was 2 years old. I was so proud to have my new little man and enjoyed every minute with him. Everything he did was wonderous to me.
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We spoiled him because we were sure that we didnt want but one child and he would always be the only one.
But one day, last year, out of the blue, I wanted another baby so bad I just couldnt stand it. My husband and I talked about it briefly and we started trying. I was so excited and when I got my period that month I was upset but, we kept trying and got pregnant the next month. My husband decided to leave his job and go to work on the oil spill clean up. In the process of training, we had to move. The training wasn't paid so we were financially strapped. Once he got to work and we got over the first 2 week with no money and he started getting a check, things got better. Then after about 2 months, he got laid off, for good. in the meantime, I had gone to the doctor and they confirmed that the home pregnancy test was right and we were expecting. We struggled for a few months, with the hubby doing odd jobs. Then he got a truck driving job and things, once again, were looking up.
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I was sick the entire first 3 months of this pregnancy and lost 19 lbs. I also have a couple wisdom teeth that didnt come in all the way and have decayed, so I have terrible toothaches. I also, about the 4th month, started having severe hip, back and groin pains. I could hardly walk and it was so painful to even turn over in bed. Every time i moved my legs, I wanted to cry. At 31 weeks, I started having contractions. I went to the hospital and they gave me meds to stop the contractions and steriod shots in case the baby was born early, to boost his lung development. I went home and the following Saturday, I woke up to pee and when I sat up, There was a huge gush of fluid. We again rushed to the hospital and I was admitted. My water had broken and I stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks until, at 34 weeks, they decided to induce, as the risk of infection was getting greater. My Jaycen was born and weighed 4lbs, 7 oz and had no problems other than being small. He did get a little jaundice but it cleared on its own. I had a hard time, of course, leaving yet another baby in the hospital when I got to go home and had a break down about 2 days before Jayce came home. After 8 days, they released him and we took him by his grandmothers house and our car wouldnt start when we got ready to go. we had to spend his first night out at my mother in laws. The next morning the car cranked and we went home. I spent the first 2 weeks taking care of him entirely by myself and then my hubby and I have been bickering since. He doesnt understand how much really goes into this and that I really need a break here and there.
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Even though I was tired, I didnt really notice a problem at first. We just bought a house and a new truck. I should be happy. I have a beautiful home, a nice vehicle, a husband who works hard for us, an amazing 7 year old and a brand new baby, what else could I ask for? I, however, am not happy. I feel like I am doing everything wrong. I cant stand myself for feeling like this but I cant help it. I feel like there is no bond with me and Jayce. I cant do anything to make him happy. Hes not a bad baby, hes totally fine with anyone else. He smiles and laughs at everyone but me. I have come to dread him waking up. That makes me feel like a terrible mother to say that and I would have never imagined I would feel like this about my own child. He has already been at his grandmothers 2 days this week and its only tuesday and last week he was gone 4 days. Even when hes gone, I cant sleep. I hear him crying even when hes not here. I have supressed my feelings, thinking maybe they would go away, but they havent. I love my baby and I hate feeling like this. I should want him here. I should be wanting to hold him. I should be happy to see his beautiful face, but all iI feel is dread and then guilt. I realize I have a problem and its not going away by pretending its not there. I know its supposed to help to talk about it and thats what I am trying to do. I am pretty sure my medicaid has run out, but I am going to check on it tomorrow and hopefully get to a doctor. I want the same feelings for Jayce that I have with Bryce. No one should ever dread being around their own child. I want to say also, that I do NOT want to hurt myself or the baby. I love him and cant imagine him not being here, I just need some help to feel good again. Any feedback is welcome, I will take all the advice I can get. Thank You!
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