"older" mom with "older" kids wants more!

[1b1g1choclab]

Hello,

I have not been on here in over a year because I thought after my 2nd m/c that I was definitely done...with all the worrying, heartbreak, and stress of trying to have another one, I was DONE! We have 2 happy, healthy kids who are very independent (11 & 14yrs). Dh and I have talked openly and honestly with each other and it was me who didn't think I could go thru any of it again. I started thinking about quitting my mundane job and doing something completely different and fun for me.  I needed a big, big change in my life. Dh agreed I should go for it. So, last week I gave my notice at work and couldn't be happier! Great, right? So then, here comes that baby fever again. And it's roaring. Out of nowhere.

So, here I am, contemplating again. What is wrong with me? Why can't I move on? I know that in 10 years, our kids will both be in college. We'll be able to do all those things we have planned on all along-travel, go "green" with our own garden, just relax and enjoy life. But, I am so afraid that this baby feeling will never, ever go away and eventually (once its too late) I will be sad that I let it slip by and never had the third one I've always wanted, but was too afraid of the changes it would bring to us!

I am 38, dh is nearly 43. We planned on being young parents and youngish grandparents. So far, its worked out. Except that I don't feel done, and I dont' feel too old to have another one. He says he feels old and fears he won't be around for the next one's big life milestones like marriage and grandkids and doesn't want one of our kids to miss out on that. I told him that's insane, anything could happen to either one of us at any time. Who's to say??

So, can anyone relate? Did anyone go on to have another one with an age spread like this? Are you crazy-tired? All the "older" moms I know with young kids are always exhausted! And, really, what is the chance of a special needs child given our ages? That's a whole 'nother ball of 'scary' for me :(

I really need to talk with someone who won't judge (like my mom), who will be honest and helpful!

[zjande]

I just wanted to share a big fat supportive "go for it!". :)

If your husband feels comfortable enough (43 is not old!) then I don't see any reason not to have the baby you are dreaming about. And I don't personally find the barely increased risks of pregnancy over 35 to phase me at all. The risk of miscarriage once we're nearing/in our mid 40s is what I'm terrified of.

I'm 37 now. The biggest gap I've got between kids is 8 years between kids & 2 and 3. I didn't meet my now-husband until I was 30, so, we've been making up for lost time ever since. You can still do all those things that are easier with older kids later. I remind myself of that all the time. We will have decades & decades of time after we're out of the baby having season. Having a baby is way more fun than any of that stuff anyway! :p

Honestly, I am crazy tired. But, I'm pregnant for the 4th time within 6 years. I have all these young kids that still wake every single night, I've been breastfeeding for 5.5 yrs straight, I'm 20 wks pregnant, and I very rarely get naps! lol! If you were pregnant now, you'd be able to nap, put your tired feet up, possibly sleep in sometimes (aaaahhhhh), rest in a bath, & otherwise pamper yourself in ways that wouldn't be possible with a bunch of littles. It'd be easy peasy! :D

Anyway, you've got my vote to just have another baby. :)

[honeybunmom]

I'm an older mom who didn't meet her husband until 32 and am unexpectedly pregnant with the 3rd one I always wanted, now, at 41.  I don't have anything else to compare my energy level to since I had my first at 35.  That being said, I'm obviously not totally in your situation, but, I have family members who are.  My uncle is married to his third wife.  He is now 80.  They have been married for over 30 years.  He has two children from that marriage (and 4 others from the prior wives).  His youngest are in their late 20's and early 30's.  The oldest are in their 50's!  He's a grandfather and great grandfather.  On the female side of things, I have a cousin, whose husband decided he wanted another when their only child was about to graduate HIGHSCHOOL!  At 43, she had their second, who graduated from college a year or two ago.  I am sure neither regrets it, sure they were tired, but also sure they were fulfilled.  If you can get your husband on board (the most I could do was to get my husband to agree to an "oops" baby, and, as a planner, I'm living with the stress of that approach ), I say go for it!  My mom and her next oldest sister are 10 years apart and at 67 and 77, they have a very close relationship (they're traveling together right now) and always have during their adult lives.

[1b1g1choclab]

Wow, thanks for your support ladies! I knew I could get some relevent, honest opinions from other women (even if strangers!) who have been there in some way. My baby fever is getting so bad...even worse now that a very good friend of mine is pg with her 3rd. Every time I am around her, I nearly get jealous....is that awful? We both have lost 2 babies in a close time span. They (obviously) went for it again, whereas I was gun shy for over a year and thought I could let it go and move on....not. And she is the only one who is 100% supportive. My family is continually trying to talk me out of it..."you're almost done"..."we won't be able to get together anymore"...."you'll be so tired"....and the best one- "what about your kids?? You're lucky to have 1 of each already. You won't be there for THEM!".

This is all from my mom and sisters, mainly, who I get to see a couple of times a year if I am lucky. We're pretty close, actually, and so it hurts to hear this from them, AND sometimes I stop and think "why am I living my life to please them when we are hardly together?". I mean, what happens when my sisters (both 9+ years younger than me) get married and have kids? They won't be able to get together as often then, so its the same thing.

[justKate]

Well I see it both ways.  I'm not in your position, FWIW, but we have good friends who did just what you're contemplating.   They now have 2 girls that have graduated high school, a son in high school, and 2 girls beginning elementary (pre-K and 1st grade, I think).  They thought they were done and changed their minds.  No big deal.  Babies keep mom young; older sibs are occasionally willing to help but don't need the intense attention they did when they were younger.

On the other side, my parents were "young parents" and the kids (my brother and I) were out of the house when they were in their mid-forties.  They've done some amazing things--lots of travel, new hobbies, etc., in the last 10-15 years, and there's no sign that they're slowing down.  They wouldn't have been able to do these things with small children.  So IMO, it depends on what you want the future to hold for you.  But only you and your DH are going to be able to decide what's right for the two of you.  Don't listen to anyone who tells you what to do with your life!

[1b1g1choclab]

Thanks, justKate (great name, btw....my dd is Kate!) for your story. Dh and I had a great talk just last night, actually. And although this is something I may always think about, its not something he truly wants anymore. He was sad after our last loss and did want to try again last year. But he said he's got closure on it and is focusing on our future (and all the great stuff we get to do together, and alone!). I get that. I really do, and I thought I had my closure. But with my friend being pg again, I guess it has opened that wound up again for me.

This sounds bad, but I am so jealous of her right now. And I know that its going to be a hard road for me to watch her through her pregnancy and then to hold her brand new baby....ugh. BUT, I have to keep reminding myself that there are things in both my immediate future and in my distant future that I will get to do that she may never be blessed with....and I know that is hard for her because we have talked about it. (Dh and I are traveling to Italy this summer-alone! and I quit my job this month to be a sahm.) So, that will be my focus while she is gushing about her latest sonogram. And I will pray heavily that I can be strong enough to keep our friendship as close as its ever been.

[jnswd]

I'm right there with you!  My oldest is 16.  My youngest is 8.  I am 39 and REALLY want one more.  My husband would be fine with another baby, but has no burning desire to have another.  I am feeling the clock tick and feel the need to decide soon.  I think we'd go for it if I had easy pregnancies- I unfortunately do not.  Our eldest will be a junior next year and I feel a little guilty contemplating something like that during one of his most challenging years.  We also do not have pregnancy coverage in our health insurance which would be an issue (we are self-employed and pay over $1000 a month at the moment for health insurance privately).  I wish adoption was something I was interested in, but it really isn't.  I love being a mom.  I always wanted a very large family but a hard job market combined with rough pregnancies kept us at *just* 3 kids.  I guess this is probably that comes up with a lot of people at this age.  Anyways, just letting you know you aren't alone!

[Melly486]

I want another one too! My kids are 12, 10, and 8. Hubby and I are both 33, almost 34.  I have been wanting another one for a few years, but dh has always said no.  Well, he recently said maybe. We have an consultation appt on the 22nd to see about getting a vasectomy reversal and then we will decide from there...