Starting to panic about baby #2. How will I handle it all?!?

[Beauchamp]

I'm 36 weeks PG and there is no turning back...baby #2 is coming very soon! And while I am excited for our new little one, I am starting to really panic about how I am going to "do it all".

We had a horrible "episode" with DD waking up 3 hours early this morning, screaming her head off, completely inconsolable. DH, of course, has to get ready and go to work, and so he goes. What's going through MY head is, oh, great, DD is screaming, so I hold, rock, try to comfort her, etc...DH gets a hot shower, gets dressed, drives off to get a Starbucks, goes to a meeting/conference event at a hotel where they'll have a hot breakfast waiting for him, lunch catered, exchanging thoughts with colleagues all day...SIGH. And yes, he brings our paycheck. But on days like this it's just NOT FAIR! His life is pretty much the same, even keel. Mine flipped upside down and I can't get it on track.

When I have a newborn AND a 2yo, he will still leave in the morning, and there will be many rough days when I feel like I don't have enough arms, and I am sleep deprived, and there is no one to help me. (no local friends/family here) I don't feel like I've found a good balance with DD, in terms of taking care of my own needs AND hers, and now a NEW baby is coming.

HOW do you do it?!?

[Natalie12]

First of all, I can totally relate to what you say about being jealous of dh. I've been there too in the past. 

I would work on getting some help lined up now for when the baby comes. If you can afford it, try hiring a babysitter that would be willing to hang out and entertain your two year old while you're doing stuff with the baby. That will also enable you to nap when the baby naps. I know that you said that you don't have any friends in the area, so you'll have to research other ways to find a babysitter besides word of mouth. I know that my church has a group of teenagers that do babysitting. You could also try craigslist. Or, maybe Finding Your Tribe on MDC would lead you in the direction of some moms who can help.

If money is an issue, you might try googling to find your local mom's group. Mine has a part of it called Helping Hands, where other moms bring moms with new babies meals.

Honestly, it can't hurt to find help. You'll have to put yourself out there a bit now to get it, but it will be worth it.Even aside from that, it can connect you with some future friends.

The point is, don't try to go it alone. You can do it that way, and you'd manage, but it's a lot better with some support.

Oh,,, one more idea. There are a few preschools in my area that accept 2 year olds. Although it seems young to some people for preschool, I think the 2 year olds have a blast, and it could be a lot of fun for your daughter. 

[Caitlin0919]

DD will be 3 when baby #2 arrives and we're planning on getting her into preschool when she turns 3 in September. Because we only have the one income, we'll probably only put her in part-time but I know I'll need the time to take care of the baby and she's going to need a lot more entertainment than I'll be able to give her with a new baby around. I agree with PP, try to find someone to help or try to see if you can get your DD into daycare or pre-school.

[Chloe'sMama]

DD1 was 26 months old when DD2 arrived.  I had help from my mom for a few weeks and MIL, so that was SOOOOO helpful, but DH did not take any time off when baby came.  The way I handled it was getting DD1 out of the house every day for a while.  I would wear DD2 and walk or go to the park or whatever we did that day.  It was hard, but it had to be done, so we did it.  I also have trained DD2 to nap at the same time as DD1, so I would nap with the both of them since I was up with one or the other so much (ummmm, still am....)

Anyways, the things that were helpful to me were to try and include DD1, although, she has just started to be very helpful at almost 3.... and read read read to her all the time, with special cuddle time (we still nurse, so we have that special time too).

You will do great mama.  

[mommariffic]

It's not that bad! Sure there are days when you want to rip your hair out but do not panic 

DD was 3 months shy of 3 years old when DS came along, and I made sure we had a babysitter lined up. Sometimes I would spend one on one time with DD (very important) and I got to have my "baby moon" which involved me sitting on the couch nursing and trying to nap. To be honest the second is way easier because that paranoia isn't there - with DD I was like oh my god is she breathing! Is she nursing enough! Is she going to get sick! And with Wyatt (DS) I was just much much much more relaxed. He was more like an accessory for the first three months...

Getting out of the house helps (little trips to the park) and have friends help if you can't afford a babysitter. Seriously, for the first month (at least) just ask everyone for help. 

[mom2lucy]

I had all the same fears as you.  My girls are 26 mo. apart and DD1 still (and still does) needed a lot of attention from me.  What helped me the most was having help with DD1-either someone to come over and play with her or send her to grandma's for the afternoon. 

Even just the company of another person made it so much better to get through those early days.  I know that going out of the house can be intimidating at first, but I found that to be the key to everyone's sanity.  I put the baby in the wrap and went to the playground so DD1 could play. 

I'd always have a snack so we could all sit down at a table and DD1 was occupied when I had to nurse the baby.  Going for walks in the morning was great to give me some exercise and get fresh air. 

Most of all, be easy on yourself.  If your older child watches a bunch of TV for awhile or eats snacks that you normally wouldn't allow, it's OK.  This is a huge transition on everyone and anything you can do make it easier on yourself (and the kids) is OK. 

Once the first few weeks were over (healing from the birth, etc.) I found that the first few months were actually the easiest because the baby is so portable and sleeps almost anywhere. 

Enjoy these last few weeks and take your DD out on some really fun outings and spend time doing things that you won't be able to for awhile.  Really indulge her with your love and attention now and it will help her get through those first few weeks.

Good luck and congratulations!

p.s. watching my OD blossom into a great big sister has been the most amazing experience-once you get the hang of things, you're going to LOVE having 2 and seeing things from your OD that you never would have before.

[happyhippie]

Oh man. This is my biggest fear. Our dd is 10 mths and we have decided to stop charting cycles and wing it. However, I am increasingly getting more anxiety over the idea of having 2 babies! I mean, our dd just stopped nursing. She still doesn't sleep well. How could I handle a newborn too??? I just want them to be best friends and close in age!

I am right there with you and others who have said they are envious of DH. Honestly, some days I feel like the most fortunate person in the world, others not so much 

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by mom2lucy 

I had all the same fears as you.  My girls are 26 mo. apart and DD1 still (and still does) needed a lot of attention from me.  What helped me the most was having help with DD1-either someone to come over and play with her or send her to grandma's for the afternoon. 

Even just the company of another person made it so much better to get through those early days.  I know that going out of the house can be intimidating at first, but I found that to be the key to everyone's sanity.  I put the baby in the wrap and went to the playground so DD1 could play. 

I'd always have a snack so we could all sit down at a table and DD1 was occupied when I had to nurse the baby.  Going for walks in the morning was great to give me some exercise and get fresh air. 

Most of all, be easy on yourself.  If your older child watches a bunch of TV for awhile or eats snacks that you normally wouldn't allow, it's OK.  This is a huge transition on everyone and anything you can do make it easier on yourself (and the kids) is OK. 

Once the first few weeks were over (healing from the birth, etc.) I found that the first few months were actually the easiest because the baby is so portable and sleeps almost anywhere. 

Enjoy these last few weeks and take your DD out on some really fun outings and spend time doing things that you won't be able to for awhile.  Really indulge her with your love and attention now and it will help her get through those first few weeks.

Good luck and congratulations!

p.s. watching my OD blossom into a great big sister has been the most amazing experience-once you get the hang of things, you're going to LOVE having 2 and seeing things from your OD that you never would have before.

Can I whine just a little bit more? When we go to the playground, DD needs me *with her*, pretty much all of the time. I can't see her allowing me to sit on a bench while she plays. She's not really into independent play yet. And...there's really nowhere to walk where we live. There is a VERY busy road with no sidewalk/crosswalks blocking us from the walkable neighborhoods. I suppose I could pack everyone in the car, but I am wishing I had a sidewalk kind of neighborhood right about now! We have no family nearby, and I have *just* made one friend who has a DD the same age as mine, but she lives sort of far away, and she's busy a lot with her older children. I *really* need some IRL girlfriends!!!

I am currently hoping and praying that I have a VERY mellow little baby...the really portable, flexible kind! (i.e. the opposite of DD!) We're trying to plan some fun things for DD over these next few weekends. I feel like my time with her is running out, like her baby days are at an end just because baby #2 is coming and ending them for her. It's a lot.

p.s...for the bolded part....thank you.

[anjsmama]

 Where do you live? Let's be friends! 

Seriously, I had the exact same fears nail me when I was 35 weeks pregnant with DD. My DS was 28 months then, 29 months when DD arrived. We, too, had just gotten into a really good groove between the two of us. And then, DS went through some really bad sleep interruption. He was up 4x a night EVERY night SCREAMING from approx weeks 35-39 of my prengnacy. As if being THAT pregnant wasn't hard enough! And when DH left for work in the morning, it was all I could do to stay awake, and not bawl my eyes out. And I started wondering, what in the world happens when DS is clingy and sleep deprived and whiny and exhausting and I'M sleep deprived and exhausted AND there's a nursing newborn to care for?! I was sure it was impossible. 

When DD arrived, things started 100% smooth. The first week was cake...... DH was home! Haha. But the night before he went back to work, it was panic attack time again. And it DID take a really rough week or two for DS to get used to splitting my attention during the day, but soon enough we worked it out. His jealousy turned to regular frustration, and the frustration faded and turned to amusement, and the amusement turned into an amazing helper/big brother. His #1 activity these days is talking to, watching, playing with, talking about his little sister! She is 3.5 months & he is 33 months. As for the extreme neediness, my DS was the same way. He has really grown out of it in some ways since DD arrived, because he's so interested in being the big brother and proving all the things he can do "all myself" . At the playground, he still needs my assistance, and I just help him as I wear DD. Even sometimes climb up there myself and take DD down the slide in the sling! You know, real supermom stuff . 

Also, when DH gets home from work I try to REALLY make things all about DS for a little while. I let him help me cook dinner and "serve it" and DH holds DD while we eat so I can focus on him. After a few weeks, you can master the "everyone in the car" adventure. I toss together a bag of their needs, strap DD in her infant seat, put on DS's shoes, get him in his seat, snap DD in, & off we go. I typically nurse in the car when we're out  - not because I have an issue with NIP, but because it gives DS a place to be strapped in & have a snack while I'm doing so! It sometimes works with DS in the stroller, but he's sort of become houdini with that thing. There's a million little things... it's hard to say how it all works out but it just does. Your mothering instincts just sort of stretch to cover them both. 

All of that said, I STILL have bad mornings & I get mad thinking about DH's work... getting coffee in the AM, talking to adults all day, working outside, and coming home to his family who has missed him so much they are suddenly angels! It's just an emotional thing and realistically I know he is bringing home the income, and that he'd be here with us if he could. Normal, normal, normal. 

Congratulations! You will love having two. Best wishes for a healthy delivery & transition!

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by anjsmama 

 Where do you live? Let's be friends! 

Tennessee. Sigh. I wish we could be friends! I "meet" so many friends here on MDC and just WISH I knew them IRL.

I know I'm feeling a lot right now, and it's pretty easy to dump it all on DH. However, in my defense, it does seem like my life is turning upside down and I'm the one with all the responsibility, and then he comes home and doesn't really seem to get it. Maybe I am expecting him to grow-change-adapt a little more and he's just not doing it. Maybe I'm so full of PG hormones and I want to be mad at him for a while because that's an outlet for what seems like an unsolvable problem.

Right now there are a lot of times I just want to lay my head down, or read my own book, or eat food without sharing it with a 2yo, and it seems like I never get to do that. And yet, DH does, so...it's UNFAIR!!! Late at night on Mother's Day I started crying because I realized my "one day" of special treatment was almost over.

Gah! I'm so whiny today. I think I am just very, very tired. And burned out. Being a mama is so hard. Thanks for letting me vent here. DH would NOT hear me if I said these things to him. He'd brush them off and expect me to be "over it" immediately.

[zinemama]

I had the same fears. And you know what? I was right to have those fears. Having a 3yo and a newborn was a total nightmare, for all the reasons you mention. It got better once I put my older child in preschool. Finally he had someplace that was all about him (no awful baby!) and I had some time alone with the baby (and my sanity).

Your dd may be too young for preschool programs (or not, check around). But in your shoes I would strongly urge you to line up a regular babysitter now, someone who will come in the morning and take her off to the park, on walks, etc. or just be with her downstairs while you are with the baby upstairs. You need help in this kind of situation. Find that babysitter and get your dd started with her before the baby's born.

[reezley]

My ds1 was 2.25 when ds2 arrived. Same worries, also with a high-maintenance ds1, except we did live near my parents then, which saved me.  I could manage ok on my own but even just having an hour in the day (or every other day, or whatever) when they took him was so helpful.  I also had a young woman come as a mother's helper a few times to play with ds1 while I could focus on ds2 or even take a quick nap with ds2.   So my advice is the same as pps - it's a good time to join a local mom's group (playgroups, connections, babysitter recommendations), or find a babysitter or mother's helper (local teen to come over after school?) to give you little breaks in the week to look forward to.   If you don't already know, find out where there is a good fenced-in playground so you don't have to chase after your 2yo with a baby in tow.  Try to do an outing every day, to the library, or playground, LLL meeting, or playgroup (all good places to meet other moms too).  It's nice having kids close in age and it definitely gets easier after the first year or so!

[les_oiseau]

My ds was not even two when dd was born.  We were in such a rough place at that time.... the things that really got me through were to relax in my role, accept that I can't do all things at all time. That meant letting the dished pile up, and I mean seriously pile as we didn't have a dishwasher. Our washing machine was also downstairs and both the kids were in clothe, so we had piles of diapers. Could only vaccumm when dd was awake, so that meant never! It was a huge learning experience for me because I am naturally a major control freak. So I had to relax and be ok with showing my vulnerability of not having it together. For ... 5-6 months probably it was total chaos. After that it got better. But in general with two kids you have to learn to let go of somethings.

Since you don't have friends or family around, could you look into hiring a doula? idk what they charge but if you only need her for a few cleaning sessions I can't imagine it'd be more than a couple hundred bucks maaaaax. I'm sure you could find someone who would charge less than that, and it would really help you out.

What I noticed after my dd was born, as strange as it sounds, that I almost had more time with him at first. Because I was recovering from her birth, and really not cleaning much or worrying about that kind of thing, while my dd was sleeping (most of the day) I would sit or lie and watch her sleep while ds would sit with me and talk, or bring toys to me and we would play together. It was a really warm, relaxed, love filled period. Also, all the anxieties you are feeling before birth will be largely calmed by the release of oxytocin every time you breastfeed!

Also, wish we could be friends! I have no mama friends either

[treehugz]

Originally Posted by les_oiseau 

But in general with two kids you have to learn to let go of somethings.

Eeek!  I only have 1 kiddo and I still feel like I'm learning to let go of some things... and dd is 3yo!!  Guess I'm not ready for #2!!!