How do you respond to people who brag on about their kids?

[lindberg99]

I have a friend who I really like except she will get really braggy about her kids sometimes. Like yesterday, we were talking and she metioned (again) how her 4th grader is way beyond the curriculum and getting A+ in everything and then added a new bit of how she is thinking of signing her up for 6th grade next year instead of 5th. (No one at the school has suggested a grade skip for her DD.) She also had to remind me (again) of how her DD's did on last year's state standardized tests. Then later on, she was telling me how she didn't sign her 4th grade DD up for the school track club because she is so much better than the other kids, it wouldn't be fair.

What should I do? Should I just give a neutral response like "Hmm, there's an idea." Should I just agree with her? Like "Yes, you should totally sign your DD up for 6th grade next year!" I do like her other than when she gets braggy so I don't want to be mean or ignore her.

[Drummer's Wife]

I would just say, "that's wonderful" or similar, and give my advice (I mean, if I thought advancing a grade was a good idea, I'd probably say so - if not, I might offer some downsides).  Otherwise, I'd say stay neutral, if you don't really care or have an opinion. 

Sounds like she is just really proud of her kid - not necessarily bragging or trying to put down anyone else's kids.  Maybe she truly needs help deciding what to do, and it happens to be on her mind a lot lately. 

[ollyoxenfree]

If it's a general conversation about what our children are doing and how they are, and she's just being honest about her dd, I'd respond with "that's great" or "how nice" or "it's good to explore all your options (about the grade skip)". If her child is doing remarkable, or even not-so-remarkable, things then it would be sad if your friend couldn't share that with you. 

If she's seeking advice, I'd provide her with my honest thoughts, if I believed that she wanted to hear them. 

If, however, she was disparaging other children or being competitive or wasn't at all interested when you spoke about your children, then I would try to redirect the conversation as soon as possible to other topics - the weather, the economy, recent travels, a new shop in town etc. Unless she was being really offensive about someone or something, in which case, I might challenge her about it. It doesn't sound like that's the case, though. So mostly I'd let it pass and change the subject. You don't have to indulge her, if it's upsetting to you. 

[nextcommercial]

I had a friend like that.  She would even brag about how tiny and thin her daughter was compared to other kids.  

I just let her talk, and never said anything either way.  I just agreed, or stayed neutral. 

She was sure her daughter should skip a grade, but she wasn't allowed to, because in reality, she had a good student, not an exceptional student.  

But, now she's 20 years old, and she's not small anymore, she's average size.  She's in college and she's doing fine, but not wonderful, she has an average boyfriend who doesn't go to school or have a job.

So.. in the end, she's a normal 20 year old.  Not the wonderful pillar of society she was expected to be.  But, for 18 or so years, she was the most awesome person in her mother's entire world.  

[philomom]

Eh, some folks have low self-esteem and need to be seen as some kind of super parent to get some satisfaction out of life. I smile, nod and move away slowly. Really, what else can you do?

[Storm Bride]

I'd just make a "that's great" or "that's wonderful" type of response, as long as they weren't actively putting down other children. I hear a lot of parents badmouth their kids in various ways, and I'd much, much rather listen to someone brag, yk? (Heck - I've got a thread on here somewhere, with a title like "random brag about my kids" or something like that. I posted it, because I was having a really bad week with the kids, especially ds2, and wanted to focus on the positive.) It's not hurting me any if someone thinks their child(ren) is/are the universe's superbeing(s).

[meemee]

i am not affected by this. 

if anything this tells me more about the mom than the child. 

its an indirect cry for support and see what a great job i did giving birth to a super genius. 

[limabean]

Normal, excited brags I don't mind -- it's exciting when your kids achieve something, and I usually share in the parent's joy about their child. But comparisons (like the track comment in the OP, where her friend said the reason she didn't sign her DD up for track was because she's so much better than the other kids) annoy me. I'd probably still just give sort of a vague smile or something, but I don't think I'd be able to chime in approvingly over a comment like that. 

[crunchy_mommy]

I guess it depends. If it was just bragging for the sake of bragging, I'd probably smile, nod, & move on. But I think sometimes people have unique struggles in dealing with 'gifted' kids and it may be hard for that not to come across as bragging -- so there would be some situations where I'd be more sympathetic & attentive, offer advice/input if I felt I could contribute, etc.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by limabean 

Normal, excited brags I don't mind -- it's exciting when your kids achieve something, and I usually share in the parent's joy about their child. But comparisons (like the track comment in the OP, where her friend said the reason she didn't sign her DD up for track was because she's so much better than the other kids) annoy me. I'd probably still just give sort of a vague smile or something, but I don't think I'd be able to chime in approvingly over a comment like that. 

That's true. I kind of skimmed over that one - it's a bit...obnoxious. I think I might be inclined to call her on that, if I could figure out how. Something like, "that's kind of insulting to the other kids, don't you think?". I'm not sure.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

But, for 18 or so years, she was the most awesome person in her mother's entire world.  

Don't we all think that about our kids, though?  As mothers we find the absolute best in our children and feel a sense of pride about it.  We can turn a blind eye to the negatives and exaggerate the positives.  Most of the time we know to just hold our tongues or how to temper what we say with a little bit of brevity and humility, but others are just more expressive.  Those people, I know are just talking about the way they truly feel about their kids and there isn't anything wrong with that, but it CAN get tiring to hear it all the time.

I guess you could get pissy about it and in a passive-aggressive way, kind of egg her on.  "Oh, I know, you're dd is the smartest thing *I've* personally ever encountered.  She may need to skip a couple of grades, even.  The way she's going, she'll be in college at 13 and a doctor by 20.  Etc., etc."  I don't know if that might make her realize that her bragging is tiresome or not, but it would be funny to see how far she'd take it if you jumped on the bandwagon with her.  I'd probably just ignore it, though.

My niece is a.l.w.a.y.s. bragging to me on her kids about how smart they are and being on the honor roll at school.  A couple of years ago, both twins had to be held back a year.  Then I find out from my other niece (her sister) that two of her kids will not pass their grade this year unless they go to summer school... go figure.  Sometimes it's just hot air and you have to just smile and shake your head and move on.  I don't say anything to my niece.  I just say, "How nice" and don't even mention anything about my dd, who really is doing well at an academically rigorous school.  (But there, I just bragged on her to all of you, so, maybe I'm the pot calling the kettle black. )

[lindberg99]

Random brags don't bother me either. Like if she tells me that her daughter won a race at her swim meet, it doesn't bug me. And that is true about the track comment, she was putting down the other kids.

I guess what bugs me with all the school comments is the repetition. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard how her son was "tearing through all the Treehouse books", what her kids scored on the state achievement tests, how her kids are all "beyond the curriculum", how her daughter needs to get A's to "set herself apart" and how her girls are getting straight A+'s. I guess it's just one area we are really different in as I don't really feel the need to tell people things like that about my kids. I think I just need to start saying "Oh yes, I remember you telling me that." and change the subject!

[captain optimism]

I like hearing parents brag about their kids. I egg them on. Of course, I don't mean the kind of bragging where they put down other children or rate them on any kind of numeric scale, like being "the best" in the class or something. No, I like to hear stories about how neat kids are--the wise or funny things they say, their special qualities. Those stories make me very happy. So I would steer a bragging mom to brag about what I want to hear, and then revel in optimism about the future. 

[raksmama]

 I usually just reply with the "how wonderful" or "great" too. I have never confronted anyone on this.

Fortunately none of my best friends  brag like that. In the case of the OP, I guess it depends on how close she is with this mother and how often she is around her.

Someone at Dh’s work was recently going on about how is 9 year old has read “all the Harry Potter books”.

I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard that!

[Linda on the move]

I switch to active listening where I basically just tell them back everything they said, or make comments about how they appear to feel.

"You must be very proud"  "You sound happy." etc.

It's just an acknowledging what is going for them from their perspective at the moment. It really doesn't have anything to do with me. They really don't need to me to agree or disagree, just listen.

[tinuviel_k]

I have a friend like this. Sigh. It can get pretty annoying when EVERY time we get together she has to brag it up about her kid. It is hard, too, because we don't share the same values or expectations for our kids. She is hyper-focused on education and having her kids be far, far ahead of their peer group. 100% isn't good enough, they have to be SO FAR ahead.
When her daughter comes over for a playdate she sends her with reading material and asks that she be made to have "study time." She and her partner work full time and her kid does three sports activities (five+ days a week) and a musical instrument. I only work part time, my kiddo has one sport and one instrument, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with it all. But I cant say anything to her about it because it sounds so easy-peasy compared to her schedule and the schedule she has her kids on.

I can't just nod along and agree when she is full-on freaking out that her 4 year old son is not quite reading above a first grade level when my 7 year old daughter is not, either! I find it hard to be sympathetic when she goes on and on about how they don't have time to be social because of all the amazing opportunities she is giving her children. And I really just have to grit my teeth when she goes on and on about how brilliant her kids are, but at the same time she makes it seem like she doesn't really think they are living up to their potential, and therefor she is indirectly telling me that my kid is unacceptably slow or not working hard enough by her family's standards. (She would be appalled if anyone suggested that she actually felt my child was slow or behind, but I know that if my kid were hers she would feel that way. Average academic effort is just not okay in her eyes, even if the child has other strong talents.)

I know it comes from a place of very low self-worth so I try to be compassionate, but i will say that we hang out a lot less because I just don't find it as pleasant to be around her anymore.
Edited by tinuviel_k - 5/11/11 at 2:57pm

[Cyllya]

Originally Posted by lindberg99 

I guess what bugs me with all the school comments is the repetition. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard how her son was "tearing through all the Treehouse books", what her kids scored on the state achievement tests, how her kids are all "beyond the curriculum", how her daughter needs to get A's to "set herself apart" and how her girls are getting straight A+'s. I guess it's just one area we are really different in as I don't really feel the need to tell people things like that about my kids. I think I just need to start saying "Oh yes, I remember you telling me that." and change the subject!

You know, this reminds me of how my mom talks about her other two kids, except she's complaining about them instead of bragging. (Seriously, she never has anything nice to say about them. ) And I think with my mom, it's just a desperation for conversation. She's just one of those people who connect with others via talking, and combining that with her poor memory means she's telling you the same thing over and over and over. She also repeats herself about other topics.

So maybe that's your friend's problem.

[mommy212]

She just loves her little girl and takes pride in what she does. As long as she isn't saying things like "oh, my little one is doing so well! Maybe someday your kid will too" or something else annoying or disparaging, I would just be like "oh, how nice. Did you read with her a lot as a child (if she is a good student" or whatever the case may be... The little girl might feel really good as well, hearing her mother's praise. 

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

If it's a general conversation about what our children are doing and how they are, and she's just being honest about her dd, I'd respond with "that's great" or "how nice" or "it's good to explore all your options (about the grade skip)". If her child is doing remarkable, or even not-so-remarkable, things then it would be sad if your friend couldn't share that with you. 

If she's seeking advice, I'd provide her with my honest thoughts, if I believed that she wanted to hear them. 

If, however, she was disparaging other children or being competitive or wasn't at all interested when you spoke about your children, then I would try to redirect the conversation as soon as possible to other topics - the weather, the economy, recent travels, a new shop in town etc. Unless she was being really offensive about someone or something, in which case, I might challenge her about it. It doesn't sound like that's the case, though. So mostly I'd let it pass and change the subject. You don't have to indulge her, if it's upsetting to you. 

I like this response a lot.

Originally Posted by limabean 

Normal, excited brags I don't mind -- it's exciting when your kids achieve something, and I usually share in the parent's joy about their child. But comparisons (like the track comment in the OP, where her friend said the reason she didn't sign her DD up for track was because she's so much better than the other kids) annoy me. I'd probably still just give sort of a vague smile or something, but I don't think I'd be able to chime in approvingly over a comment like that. 

I feel this way, too.

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I switch to active listening where I basically just tell them back everything they said, or make comments about how they appear to feel.

"You must be very proud"  "You sound happy." etc.

It's just an acknowledging what is going for them from their perspective at the moment. It really doesn't have anything to do with me. They really don't need to me to agree or disagree, just listen.

I think this is very true.

What I notice for myself is that when I'm feeling 100% confident in DS and his abilities in an area, other people's brags don't bother me in the least. At best, I can be enthusiastically excited for the other parent, at worst somewhat disinterested but able to murmur along happily and supportively. 

So, for instance, my DS is a really good little artist (sorry for the brag) and his sense of 3D, space, etc. is, pretty objectively, advanced. He loves art and building and we nurture that. When friends brag about their own kids artistic abilities (and I'm in a pretty creative circle so a lot of friends have some very talented kids), I can be completely happy for them and their kids and be very enthusiastic with utter sincerity. However, DS is borderline dyslexic, doesn't like to read (as a PhD in the humanities, let me tell you, this is *hard* for me!), and is, at most, reading at grade level, but is probably actually somewhat below grade level and his spelling is *definitely* below average. When friends brag (or even just mention) that their kids have read through Harry Potter at age 7 or have torn through the Treehouse books or whatever, I start feeling grumpy, dissatisfied, and negatively towards them, even though, in most cases, there was no real "brag" intended! I feel insecure about DS' reading and it's harder for me to take joy in other kids' success in this area.
 

[GoBecGo]

Are her kids there?

For my eldest a compliment to HER is difficult for her, but if she overhears me telling someone else how great she is she GLOWS with (justified, sorry for the brag!) pride.

Maybe she's telling her kids how she feels rather than you?