4 yr old tantrums

[nald1]

My daughter threw a biggie this am- my poor husband had never witnessed it and was 'freaked out".  I typically let her do her thing. After a few attempts at comforting her I typically remove myself from engaging (as best I can) and let her know im there when she's calm enough to accept  help.  How do others handle these fun meltdowns?

[Alyantavid]

It really depends on the kid.  My oldest had to be held and talked through a tantrum.  My youngest gets much much worse if you try to comfort him in any way.  He works through them pretty quickly on his own.

How in the world has your husband not seen a tantrum in 4 years?

[nald1]

Oh, he's seen them - just not like today.  I think it just felt more overwhelming to him becuase of where he was at at the moment- he had an interview to get ready for (he's been trying to get a full-time job after being laid off 2 years ago- im pregnant and we want better health insurance etc...) and she only wanted to be near him as he was trying to shower and eat.  His stress level just made it seem worse.  DShe's typically more of a whiner vs tantrum-thrower!

[Disco Infiltrator]

I feel very strongly about not isolating when my son is melting down but I have to say that it's a lot harder to keep this up now that he's four. His tantrums are all about controlling and often involve setting me up in a way that I simply cannot win. It drives me absolutely nuts because I'm a fixer and all I want to do is fix things but he won't accept my assistance because his goal isn't to make things better but to gain control. I used to be able to sit with him and rub his back but now often the best I can do is be present with him but not engage until he can calm down. I do sometimes reflect back his feelings to him, "you're really mad at mommy right now, I can see that, you're really sad we have to leave the play ground" and that can keep things from spiraling out of control, but it just depends on how far gone he is. If he's really bad and I can see that he's truly heading into distress, I will often scoop him up and take him into the bedroom and breastfeed him, since we still have that going for us. I imagine that a cuddle under the covers might accomplish the same thing. I tell ya, the four year old meltdowns are of epic proportion.

I've also found that DS's behavior is often at its worst when we're trying to leave the house in a timely manner, when DW is leaving for an appointment, those kinds of transitions that tend to take our attention away from him. It's hard because they're so illogical and needy, all legitimate developmental traits and very hard for a grown-up to understand and cope with. What has helped with those situations is for me to stop what I'm doing and really focus on DS and keep that attachment strong, but this is very hard to do when you're under stress.

[nald1]

Thanks for the advice- I think i need to focus on the being in the moment more.  My daughter will not tolerate ANY physical contact mid-tantrum- my heart and body are longing to just hold her but she will fight harder and get physical if I try.  This type of tantrum doesnt happen often but when it does I only isolate if she is physically attacking me.  Fun times.