Messaging family about post partum plans?

[weliveintheforest]

I was thinking of posting something on facebook about our plans for after the birth.  My biggest concern is that I don't want a bunch of people blabbing that I had the baby before we make our announcement, but I also would like to let people know that we will be lying in after the birth.  

I'm not sure how to do this without coming across... I want to say rude but maybe I mean entitled?  I think it would be best to do it as a note on fb rather than an email to anyone specific, but maybe that's not the case.  Almost all our family and friends are on facebook so it feels easiest.

Here is what I am thinking of saying:

We're having a baby soon, hopefully sometime in June. 

I just want to share a few things with everyone about what we are hoping for.  

Soon after the birth, we will be calling our immediate families with the news, but it might take a day or two to contact everyone.

Sometime in the next couple of days we will post something on facebook with the stats and a picture.  We would like to be the ones to make the announcement, so please do not post about the baby on facebook until we do.  It is important to us that we get the chance to tell people ourselves and that our immediate family does not find out via someone else's status update :)

After the birth I will be "lying-in" with the baby, in order to protect our health and ensure ease of bonding and breastfeeding.  We are happy to receive visitors as long as you are okay with the fact that the baby and I won't be getting out of bed. 

DH will take a week off work, and after that I would appreciate any help with keeping DD and DS occupied and fed.  Small outings to the playground, or just a visit to play with them and feed them lunch would be very helpful.

I'm not sure if that is too wordy, or how to close the message.  Is anyone else sending out or posting anything like this?  Thoughts?

eta: already changed a bit :)

[Smokering]

Hmm. It might be tricky - in my experience, people LOVE to spread the news of a new baby. They might get a bit peeved or resentful at having to wait until you make the official news (or more likely, they'll just ignore you and tell everyone anyway!). You worded it just fine, but the concept might offend people - you know? Not that that means you shouldn't do it. :p But in fairness to people with itchy telephone fingers, it would be good if you could try to post the status update fairly soon after the birth. Could you make a fill-in-the-blanks template now, so all you'd have to do is fill in the name, weight, time of birth etc and any exciting medical details? :p

[weliveintheforest]

I could easily post right away but we have huge families and I want to call them first.  I am worried that we will call one parent (there are 5 sets) and by the time the last parent has heard it will already be on facebook.  Honestly, it's one of my pet peeves when someone hasn't announced a birth yet but there are people congratulating them on their wall. It's like a contest to show who heard first!  "Congrats!  It's been 14 minutes, where are the pics?!?"

I might just disable my wall and set my privacy so I can't be tagged once I think I'm in labour   People can still post things to their own status but at least it won't show to people who don't even know them.  I do actually plan to share on facebook as soon as I am able, but I don't want people counting on it in case its late or I'm too tired or things go awry and I end up in hospital.  I know I'll be excited to share, but I also want to protect the first day as a family only time.

All this worrying is probably for nothing... it's not like I am a celebrity or something with people vying for the right to talk about my baby... but I do care about the whole announcing thing.  

Would you say more about lying in?  I don't want to say a specific amount of time but I want to be clear I mean more than a day or two. and I will want to see people but don't want them to expect tea and muffins!  I want it all MY way 

[Max'sMama]

I agree with Smokering.  It's not the wording but rather the concept.  Maybe do a huge post about the baby (read Smokering's birth plan for inspiration).  Then immediately after birth have dh post to both your profiles.  People will be shocked enough and trying to figure out if you are serious. 

Two minutes later post stats and just ask nicely but bluntly for no visitors.  Something along the lines of, " Baby x is here.  I just ran a marathon for 9 months and need rest, please come and steal our big kids for a park date or drop off dinner if you want to but baby and I will be self sequestered for the first week at minimum and would appreciate the respect of no visitors.  Baby x WILL still be a newborn when we are ready for you!"

[nikie23]

Facebook drives me nuts sometimes.  When DH and I told our families about our impending parenthood, we both disabled out accounts for about a week to prevent one family from leaking it to the other, and so we could tell our close friends individually instead of just blurting it on a status update.  It was a good thing, too - it was Christmas day, so our whole families were packed into our respective parents' houses.  We went to his parents' house first, and I swear not 5 minutes after we told them his sister had posted a big "OMG MY SIL IS PREGNANT!" update.  She said she tried to tag me, too, which would have meant my family found out through FB instead of the (I think) clever-cute way we'd come up with.  But, since there aren't any cross-family FB friendships, once our accounts were down I didn't have to worry about it.

I think your note is worded nicely, but I agree with Smokering that people might just ignore you and post, anyway.  When my sister had her baby my step-dad was calling and texting everyone while she was in labor, so she didn't actually get to tell anyone herself because he already had!  DH and I are planning on taking advantage of this, though - we're going to call our parents, and then tell them to call the rest of our families.  That way we (well, he - I won't be on the phone to anyone, I'll be mooning over the baby!) won't have to spend hours on the phone repeating the "baby was born at dark thirty, she weighs x lbs y ounces, she and mom are doing fine" speech dozens of times. 

It might not be a bad idea to give a hint about how long the "lying in" will last.  You could be kinda vague and say "for a week or so", but I would at least give some hint that, as you said, you mean more than a day or two. 

[lookingforaname]

I think maybe it could be in the wording.  Make it a little lighter so you seem cheerful and bubbly rather than instructive?  Here's my quick stab at it!

YAY!  The baby is on it's way SOON!

Hey - I wanted to ask a few favors of my facebook friends.  I know a lot of you love to be the first with juicy news, but _(insert dh's name - intention is to make it not only your fault)___ and I would really love to be the first one on facebook presenting news of our little one's arrival - we have a lot of family members to call first, and if you could give us a little time to make those personal calls before the news spreads via facebook or texting or lighting bolt, we'd really appreciate it.  In other words:  LET US BE FIRST GOSH DARN IT I DON'T WANT SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO FIND OUT BY SOMEONE RANDOM'S STATUS UPDATE!

And then after baby is born, write your instructions/comments about visitors/ways to help - again trying to keep it light and fun rather than too instructive.

Just an idea.  Different people take things different ways . . humor can be one way of lightening other people's perspective. 

[amaayeh]

I see what everyone else is saying, but I've learned with my family that there are only grey areas and unless I make it abundantly clear my EXACT expectations, they will not respect it.  Even then, there are some that still wouldn't.  I say do whatever you think it necessary to ensure the result you want.  What about disabling posting on your wall as soon as you go into labor?  It's under 'account;privacy settings'. 

[Beauchamp]

Facebook...UGH!!

When we found out we were PG, we just verbally told our family something along the lines of "only the really important people know (i.e. you), so please don't post anything on FB." It made them feel all special and in 'The Club'.

[jshannyn519]

I like the idea of using humor to get across exactly what you want. I think it will make your message clear, but not offend anyone. I would also try to be a little more specific about the lying in part, as to the length of time that you're wanting to do that. You could also include a few extra suggestions for people if they want to visit so they can help out. And I'd tell people that you won't be getting out of bed, that you'll probably be in pajamas, etc, so they're not surprised when they see you that way.

I'm actually the total opposite when it comes to FB. My mom will be at the hospital with me, and my sister is here in town too. I'll be texting her ASAP after the birth, since she's working pretty much all the time, with the details. She'll know I'm in labor anyway so it won't be totally out of the blue. I'm not calling other parents (don't have 'em) or grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., because they all live far away and they're all on FB. I'll be doing one post to let everyone know the birth stats, along with a picture or two. I'm also setting up a draft email to all of my school friends & various instructors that all I'll have to do is plug in the details and hit send.

I'm thrilled that I have technology to use like this now. When my big kids were born it was incredibly tedious to call everyone I knew to tell them about the baby over and over and over again.

[MaryElizabeth]

I guess I'm the opposite. I will be thankful to whoever in my family leaks it to FB first. It gets it over with and the initial 50 million congrats out of the way. Then when I post my pictures and little tid bit, people can put their two cents in. But, I am not a big FB poster, especially personal family things. I generally don't share too much info, only post photos for the family members to see. 

I think the requests should be light and humorous too.Mamas get all worked up about who they want to see when and where and for how long. In the moment, you are so tired and enamored with the baby that it doesn't matter who comes when. Most people understand that you are exhausted and will be in your pj's. Also, most people won't stay very long. Once that baby starts crying---- they run for it! hahaha But, you have two already--- did you have a bad experience with this the first time around??

Basically, don't get too worked up about it, just put your wishes out there and let things happen as they may. 

[Smokering]

DH and I are planning on taking advantage of this, though - we're going to call our parents, and then tell them to call the rest of our families.  That way we (well, he - I won't be on the phone to anyone, I'll be mooning over the baby!) won't have to spend hours on the phone repeating the "baby was born at dark thirty, she weighs x lbs y ounces, she and mom are doing fine" speech dozens of times.

Heh - yeah, that's actually more our style too. DH and I are somewhat private people, and rather liked letting Mum tell everyone about our (so far) one birth and two pregnancies, without having to do it ourselves. We go to a small church, so news spreads like wildfire anyway, but it's nice not to have to repeat things.

Although strangely enough, this pregnancy a bunch of people were apparently unaware I was pregnant until about 20 weeks. I was showing way before that, hadn't tried to keep it a secret, and was visibly ill for weeks and weeks... so I can only attribute it to an ageing congregation whose powers of sight and discernment ain't what they were. :p

[jshannyn519]

Originally Posted by Smokering 

Although strangely enough, this pregnancy a bunch of people were apparently unaware I was pregnant until about 20 weeks. I was showing way before that, hadn't tried to keep it a secret, and was visibly ill for weeks and weeks... so I can only attribute it to an ageing congregation whose powers of sight and discernment ain't what they were. :p

My next door neighbor had no idea until 2 days ago that I am pregnant. And you've all seen me. I don't look anything but pregnant! Although, in her defense she did fall our of her crib and land on her head on a concrete floor when she was 2 so she has some issues mentally.

[springbride]

We have big families too, and my mom recently got a smart phone and is now obsessed with posting random pictures and status updates.  Both of our moms are coming down for the birth, so we have already let them know that we will be asking them to go on a facebook 'leave of absence' from whenever I go into labor until DS is born and DH has a chance to announce it himself.  With DD i was in labor for over 2 days, so the last thing I want to deal with is someone posting, "Yeah her water broke etc..." and then get phone calls from the 9 brothers and sisters hearing, "Is he here yet?".  

 

 

[slylives]

I agree with the PP who suggested lightening up the tone of the email - and disabling your FB profile as an extra line of defence. However, the part that really struck me strangely was the "lying in" part. I think the "to protect our health and ensure ease of bonding and breastfeeding" bit sounds rather preachy - and it rubbed me the wrong way to be honest! (Why, when I don't even know you, I don't know!)  I'm certain you don't mean it this way, but it sounds rather patronising, and as though none of your friends/family have ever dealt with a newborn or would understand why you would still be in bed. (It's absolutely your prerogative to do whatever you like, but - I promise - getting dressed won't bring your nursing relationship to a screeching halt!)  How about something short and snappy - "We'd love to see visitors - just don't expect me to be dressed or out of bed!" So it gets across the message but without sounding like your giving a lecture in newborn health and bonding.

Good luck with the birth!

[Lidamama84]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jshannyn519 

My next door neighbor had no idea until 2 days ago that I am pregnant. And you've all seen me. I don't look anything but pregnant! Although, in her defense she did fall our of her crib and land on her head on a concrete floor when she was 2 so she has some issues mentally.

Hahaha!!! When I was about 6 and a half mos along, I had a co-worker ask another co-worker if I was preggos or just getting chubby...Seems she didn't want to offend me by asking me to my face  

I don't have FB anymore, so I can't help you for your posting, but I'm planning on drafting an email to fill in the blanks and send when the time comes. Then cyberworld can go nuts :)

 

[weliveintheforest]

*

[weliveintheforest]

I appreciate the input from all of you.  I won't be making it very light and humorous, because that's just not me, but I am sure I will revise the wording before I post it in a week or two.  I have decided to go ahead and post something, because I need to at least attempt to make my wishes known.

Originally Posted by amaayeh 

I see what everyone else is saying, but I've learned with my family that there are only grey areas and unless I make it abundantly clear my EXACT expectations, they will not respect it.  Even then, there are some that still wouldn't.  I say do whatever you think it necessary to ensure the result you want.  What about disabling posting on your wall as soon as you go into labor?  It's under 'account;privacy settings'. 

This is the way I am feeling.  I feel comfortable with what my needs are, and after reading this thread and discussing it with dh, I'd rather some people be rubbed the wrong way then me not having our wishes respected.  I am planning to disable posting on my fb wall, but I am not planning to make any computer stuff a priority so it might just not happen. If I have a leisurely slow labour with lots of time, and feel good after the birth, we might feel like going online and announcing right away and this will all be for nothing.

Originally Posted by Max'sMama 
Then immediately after birth have dh post to both your profiles.  People will be shocked enough and trying to figure out if you are serious. 

Two minutes later post stats and just ask nicely but bluntly for no visitors.  

This is possible, but the idea is that I don't want to have to rush to the computer while I am busy having a baby or enjoying a newborn.  I also don't want to say no visitors, I just want them to understand what my plans are so they can choose not to visit if they are not comfortable visiting me in bed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaryElizabeth 
 Most people understand that you are exhausted and will be in your pj's. Also, most people won't stay very long. Once that baby starts crying---- they run for it! hahaha But, you have two already--- did you have a bad experience with this the first time around??

Quote:

Originally Posted by slylives 
I'm certain you don't mean it this way, but it sounds rather patronising, and as though none of your friends/family have ever dealt with a newborn or would understand why you would still be in bed. (It's absolutely your prerogative to do whatever you like, but - I promise - getting dressed won't bring your nursing relationship to a screeching halt!) 

My experience has been that not everyone is as understanding as I would like (and need), and if they don't know my wishes I can't expect them to be respected.  My MDC and midwifery type friends will get it, but most other people genuinely don't understand why I would purposely stay in bed for a whole week or longer, and I don't want to share personal medical reasons for doing so in a general note to all my friends/family.  I could just say "midwife's orders," and I might.  I am also aware that getting dressed won't bring breastfeeding to a halt, but neither would not lying in at all.  I breastfed my first two without lying in and understand that it can be done, it's just not how I want to do it this time.

Originally Posted by springbride 
 With DD i was in labor for over 2 days, so the last thing I want to deal with is someone posting, "Yeah her water broke etc..." and then get phone calls from the 9 brothers and sisters hearing, "Is he here yet?".  

 

 

This is another aspect - I don't want to broadcast when I am in labour for the same reason.  This will be easier though, because I won't be specifically calling people to tell them about labour like I will after the birth.

 

[Momsteader]

I think it's just all a little silly to be stressing about.......who will remember next year who posted the 'news' first!? What's the big deal?

Just go with it.....lock your wall. Post your news when you're ready and don't stress :)

[weliveintheforest]

I will remember.  It's fine for you to think it's silly but I do not.

[Momsteader]

You can't make anyone else behave the way you wish. Don't sweat the small stuff....psstttt...this is small stuff in the big picture of life! So lock your wall. Turn off your account. Do something proactive to keep it off your wall. Control what you can, and let the rest go :)