Please help me gently deal with frantic whining voice

[GreenGranolaMama]

Ds has started asking for things/ speaking with what we are calling frantic whining voice, so it's not "Banana please" it's "Bananaaaaa waaaaaaa! Arrrrrrrrggggggg! (cue meltdown).  We've been saying "Rowan wants a banana, banana please" to try and gently show him how to ask/ speak without totally freaking out- anything else I can do? 

[limabean]

When my DS went through that, I said, "Oh, I don't listen to whining. When you're ready to ask in a normal voice, I'll listen" and kept doing whatever I had been doing as though he wasn't talking. It worked like a charm with him. DD isn't as easy with it as DS was -- she gets pouty and refuses to say anything when I say that. But I still just wait (unless she's having a full-scale meltdown, in which case of course I comfort her, but with her she's usually just pouty and silent), and within 5 minutes she usually comes over and asks nicely. 

[crunchy_mommy]

DS has entered this stage as well. Usually I just say something like, "Can you ask nicely please?" and he complies... if he's too frantic, I start to get whatever he wants (so, pick up the banana & hold it ready) and then request that he ask nicely -- otherwise he thinks he's not going to get it so he keeps freaking out. I also try to remind him to ask nicely even when I know I'm going to say No -- but for some reason that's much harder to remember to do...

[LROM]

Like a PP, I've named it "whining" when she talks like that and I say "No whining.  Whining will not get you a banana." and I also find that usually I do have to start t get the thing (if it's something I'm going to say yes to) and then ask her to ask nicely.  Basically ditto what someone else said already I guess! :)

What I'm finding to be a real challenge is that my dd is mostly learning whining (or having it reinforced) by a new friend who, I'm really not crazy about the little girl, but dh loves hanging out with her and her father, and I'm trying to support dh in having "daddy friends", but this little girl gets on my last nerve with the whining.

So the more I reiterate with dd that whining is a negative and won't get her what she wants, the more I wonder if I should actually discuss with her the fact that for her little friend, whining does get her what she wants?  I'm guessing that's confusing to dd, or if nothing else, she forgets each time that it doesn't work with us...? 

[Sfcmama]

In general, I try to avoid saying no or naming undesirable behaviors and try to validate the emotion while suggesting or modeling the preferred behavior. For example, "wow, you really must want this banana. It can be hard to wait but please use your manners." This approach feels important to me because 1) most toddlers can't control their impulse to whine and I don't want to make dd feel bad about herself for doing something that is developmentally appropriate and 2) I believe naming the behavior gives it more power, (eg, "no whining" draws attention to the problem behavior).
Not that other approaches are wrong, this is just what I've found to be best for me. A lot of this I learned while being trained to do attachment-based family therapy with young children with behavioral difficulties - if I remember correctly, it's using the PRIDE skills (praise, reflect, imitate, describe, empathize/enthusiasm). Also, Elizabeth pantley has a great no cry discipline book with tips on laying the good foundation early.
Hth! I know how truly maddening the whining can be!

[limabean]

Originally Posted by LROM 

What I'm finding to be a real challenge is that my dd is mostly learning whining (or having it reinforced) by a new friend who, I'm really not crazy about the little girl, but dh loves hanging out with her and her father, and I'm trying to support dh in having "daddy friends", but this little girl gets on my last nerve with the whining.

So the more I reiterate with dd that whining is a negative and won't get her what she wants, the more I wonder if I should actually discuss with her the fact that for her little friend, whining does get her what she wants?  I'm guessing that's confusing to dd, or if nothing else, she forgets each time that it doesn't work with us...? 

I don't think you need to get into a big discussion with your DD about it, but maybe slip in a little, "In our family, whining doesn't get you what you want" every now and then?