Overcoming your own sensory issues

[tibeca]

I never realized I had sensory issues until I became a Mom! I have always been introverted and preferred quiet but never realized why. My issues seem to be whining, screeching, screaming and other loud noises. Excessive loud noise makes me pull back and become HIGHLY introverted (even within my own home). It makes me feel over stimulated.

So here's the problem, I have 2 beautiful daughters, 3 yo and 6 mos. I handled DD1 as a baby very well. We simply didn't let her cry! DD2 is also easy. Baby cries, insert boob. Crying stops. :) 

The problem I am having is with DD1. When she begins getting loud I ask her to settle down, that it is too loud for mommy. I don't say, "stop making noise" I say, "that is too loud for mommy's ears." Usually that works. But lately, it seems she's at a very loud stage, and I think she realizes that the excess noise is a way to get what she wants. Often she'll start whining/screeching about what she wants. When that begins I start to pull away. I try to ask her to ask for things more quietly, but instead she just gets louder and louder. The louder she gets, the more I try to hide behind working on the computer, caring for her sister, etc. If I avoid her long enough, she'll hit me to get my attention. Obviously that doesn't help the way I feel or help me meet her needs.

She does get time outside everyday. And I am okay with it being loud outside (just please, no loud noises in the house). I actually encourage her to make lots of noise and run/burn energy.

I have tried helping her the first time she begins getting loud, but that doesn't seem to stop the escalation. Example:

She'll say, "mommy what are you doing?" I answer her. she'll ask again. I'll then ask her, "what am I doing?" she tells me what I'm doing. she'll ask again, getting louder. this progresses with me speaking more and more softly and her getting louder. It usually ends when I blow up and scream at her that she can see very well what I am doing.

I have tried repeating that I can only help her when she is talking nicely. I have tried ignoring her.

We are currently VERY slowly weaning. I know this is stressful for her, but I need my personal space. We have dropped 1 nursing session a month for the last 3 months. She is down to nursing once a day, in the morning. She knows this. She still asks repeatedly. And she becomes more and more belligerent about it each time. This seems to be yet another opportunity for her to begin yelling and screaming.

I don't know how else to work with her. Some days I'm so stressed that I avoid being around her (hard but possible). How do I help me and how do I help her?

[girlmeetsknitting]

I have sensory issues too.  I discovered this when working in my special needs classroom where it can get really loud!  I understand your desire to remove yourself (physically or emotionally) from your child when she is shouting, but in the long run that probably won't solve the problem, and might strain your relationship with her.  You could try designating a loud area (anywhere that can be consistently used).  When she feels the need to be loud, have her go to the "noisy spot".  Let her be noisy all she wants there, and when shes done shes free to go.  This way, her need to be noisy is met, and you can be at a distance where you don't feel quite so overwhelmed with her volume level.  Good luck!

[Cyllya]

I have this problem too. I'm an HSP. I don't have kids yet, and this is one of the things that make me nervous about it!

You might try some earplugs. You'll still be able to hear her, but they should take the edge off the pain. You can get some at any typical pharmacy. (If you can't find a section in the pharmacy for ear-related stuff, it's usually near the eye-related stuff and just not labeled well.) Try to keep them in arms' reach and pop them in whenever she gets too loud. At first, it may be hard to get them in quickly, but you'll get faster with time.

[hakeber]

hmmm, an interesting problem.  I think all women are wired to respond physcially to the violent sound of their children crying.  It is part of our nature, but add that to any issues with noise in general and I imagine it's like nails on a chalk board.

Obviously it is good that she understands that you will meet her needs when she cries and is upset but now it is time to start giving her tools for communicating needs less agressively and more effectively.  If she has spent the first 3 years of her life (as most kids do) expecting immediate response to her crying, this will be a matter of retraining her brain to go to the new tools.  This means that even after she has acquired the new skills she will likely resort to the old habits when she is stressed, hungrym tired etc, so keeping on top of the physical needs first of all will be a good pre-emptive tactic to help her communicate effectively.

ETA:  It doesn't sound from what you described like she just wants to be noisy.  It sounds like she wants to commincaye something but she doesn't have the tools, insight or words to do it properly.

Have you tried modelling, and modelling again and again until she gets it?

I had to do this with DS at this age,  He'd say "mommy moooooomEEEEEEEEEE!  MOOOOMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" and instead of responding to his screaming I'd try "Mommy?  May I have a some attention please?  I am feeling a little lonely."  and I'd wait for him to repeat it exactly, and if he went back to the yelling I'd stop and say "Mommy, I need some attention please."

Another way of deflating the screaming for us has been to stop, get down on eye level, engage and distract.

For example I'd say "It sounds to mommy like you need some attention.  I know it is hard to be alone for so long and that mommy has been very busy for a long time now, but can you try to be a very patient boy and wait just ten more minutes and then I promise I will give you 30 minutes of my time?  In the meantime, can you get yourself a snack?"  Then do my level best to keep that promise. 

Once DS got the words I needed to be on top of feeding him and resting his body.  So if he started to get whiny I'd offer a snack before he could go nuts.  I'd keep timed interval reminders on my phone for blood sugar boosters, and became really strict about bed time, when before I'd been super lackadaisical.  It helped keep him calmer, and helped me remember that if he was screaming it was not in an attempt to make me want to throw him out the window, but because he was stressed, hungry, tired, lonely and needed me and there WERE ways I could meet his needs without rhowing my needs out the window.  I enrolled him in a pre-school, which helped a lot to give me the much needed time away, and we had side-by-side play where he colored while I graded papers, and when I was finished I let him put stickers on my kids' work.

I also resorted to bribery, which I know is sort of frowned upon here, but sometimes, when I really needed 30 minutes to finish something, offering up a reward for quiet was well received...sometimes. 

I also covered my ears and said "you are speaking too loudly.  I cannot understand you when you speak like that."  But only after the modelling had proven effective a number of times and I knew he had the tools (and low enough stress levels) to handle communicating peacefully.

The screaming stage is AWFUL.  With consistency and patience and a heap of luck it might be a short phase. 

Good Luck!

[MamaofLiam]

i don't have anything to offer in the way of advice. but i do have a question for you - how do you know if you have sensory issues beyond what's "normal"? i'm curious b/c since becoming a parent i've been hearing a lot about sensory issues (esp since joining MDC) and before that had never heard of it. i've googled it and from what i found i'm still not any clearer about what exactly it is. fwiw, i have a very difficult time in noisy situations. for example, i hate the 4th of july b/c i don't like the firework sounds. its not intolerable, but i definitely don't enjoy it. would something like that indicate a sensory disorder?

sorry if this is too far off topic - i don't mean to hijack the thread or anything. if you want me to edit/remove, i will.

[tibeca]

I have more than just a few sensory issues, but the sound ones are hardest for me. We aren't talking simple annoyance or discomfort. I can hear the sound of electricity humming. I hear every little sound, and can't hold a conversation and listen to music at the same time, even if the music is very quiet. I LOVE blackouts because it means true silence. When we watch television, it is always fairly quiet, and no talking over the movie as I get confused. I've never been to a music concert (I'm afraid it would be too intense), don't like the movies (too loud), and have physical responses to noise, including occasional mild confusion, that stops when the noise stops. Loud noise is like being on a spinning ride at an amusement park for me.

Having said that, I am highly intelligent (an IQ around 150) and did very well in school academically. Sensory disorder should not be confused with occasional stress, but instead looked at how it affects your life daily.

[crunchy_mommy]

I have sensory issues and my DS seems to as well -- I suspect that's why he's so much happier with me vs. DH or someone else, because we are sensitive to many of the same things so I automatically create a better environment for us. But I still struggle with a loud toddler and with too much/wrong kind of touching and have that tendency to withdraw...

Sometimes when DS is loud it helps me to be loud with him, kind of harmonizing with him. He seems to enjoy this as well. We do a lot of 'loud' and 'quiet' games/songs also. When DH is home I'm often able to escape but when he's not, I find it easier to just change our environment -- go outside or to the library or whatever. In your "Mommy what are you doing" situation, I would try getting louder right along with her, and then get quieter and see if she'll copy you & get quieter. Make it into a game, because my guess is that it's not that she needs to know what you're doing, but wants to interact with you. Maybe you could try headphones or earplugs if you can tolerate them (I can't myself)... Maybe too you could have some kind of signal -- maybe a hat or something that you put on, or a sign you post, or something -- that means "it's quiet time"? Another thing I do when DS seems out of control is start one of our favorite activities (reading to him is usually my go-to one!) I don't know, I'm scatter-brained right now but maybe we can come up with more ideas for you, and I'll be reading for ideas I can use as well!!

To the PP -- I don't have any kind of official diagnosis or anything, but I consider myself to have sensory issues because they seem to really interfere with my day-to-day functioning. At times I was thought to have OCD or ADHD or various other disorders but I think much of it really came down to sensory problems. I have a really hard time understanding people in conversations because I am distracted by background noises. I have to turn the TV up very high even though I have good hearing, because I need it to drown out the rest of the sounds of the house (the hum of the computer or the lights, the sound of the furnace in the basement, music playing quietly in the other room, etc.) I miss a lot and if I use captions on TV or communicate via writing I don't miss things. I also have trouble with things like bright lights, soft touch (firm touch is OK) which includes low water pressure in the shower, tags in my shirts, things like that. I tend to shut down when I get too much sensory input -- this might be at a small gathering, a big party, a fair, my own home, etc. -- too much noise, light, movement, or touch just cause me to withdraw or feel anxious or edgy. It's funny that I've dealt with this my whole life yet never had a name for it 'til I read about SPD here on MDC, in response to my DS's issues! A lot of people think I'm really shy, and I guess I have become shy/quiet but really I just can't process what people say, can't deal with too many people (or objects) in my physical space, etc. I think that most people probably have a few things that make them uncomfortable but to me what makes it a 'problem' is when it's something you have to overcome constantly (rather than just in special situations, although certainly lifestyle/career choices could affect this too). "Normal" things like vacuuming, hugging my DH, talking on the phone, etc. are real struggles for me.
Edited by crunchy_mommy - 5/16/11 at 7:59am

[stealthmode]

Originally Posted by tibeca 

I have more than just a few sensory issues, but the sound ones are hardest for me. We aren't talking simple annoyance or discomfort. I can hear the sound of electricity humming. I hear every little sound, and can't hold a conversation and listen to music at the same time, even if the music is very quiet. I LOVE blackouts because it means true silence. When we watch television, it is always fairly quiet, and no talking over the movie as I get confused. I've never been to a music concert (I'm afraid it would be too intense), don't like the movies (too loud), and have physical responses to noise, including occasional mild confusion, that stops when the noise stops. Loud noise is like being on a spinning ride at an amusement park for me.

Having said that, I am highly intelligent (an IQ around 150) and did very well in school academically. Sensory disorder should not be confused with occasional stress, but instead looked at how it affects your life daily.

This sounds exactly like my husband. He's struggling with our very noisy and vocal toddler, and really he's struggled with her volume since she was a newborn. She's always been an exceptionally scream-y baby. ;) I'm glad to read some of these suggestions for him because so far we haven't come up with good solutions to keep him from getting overwhelmed.